I want to die

[Ishanga]

Get back to the basics, Your too full of characters, ego and fantasy stuff brought about things You think You know, and psychedelics I would assume based on what You have shared here..

Go out, deep breaths each morning when You wake up, stretch your arms above Your head at the edge of the bed when You first get up, clean up in the washroom, have a cool shower to wake up and energize, do some asana routine for 15-20min, then get clear, don't have any technology on, just be clear for 5 min the first week of doing this then increase this time span as the weeks go on, in a few months you can be clear at will for an hour easy, then if You are not working get out of the house and walk around, try to enjoy the simple things, the fresh air, the nature, the very fact that your heart is still beating and you can breath and walk and think and do stuff, set up some simple tasks, writing, cooking, cleaning, don't sit around and think  yourself to death that is what is killing You.. don't watch videos all day or come here all day, that will make it worse, do some activity, take a nap after lunch, make things simple and relatable again.. Get out of Your head, your too attached to it...

Edited Sunday at 09:28 PM by Ishanga

[Keryo Koffa]

Update: Okay, so I'm back from a week long marathon binge of increasing unhuman doses of multiple dissociates and psychedelics simultaneously. Now I'm dying from my own cringe. Don't worry, I never do harm my body directly. I've been in states more elevated than anything, but I've also fell into the deepest manic delirium. I believe I chewed on a hundred mg of 5-meo at some point or imagined myself doing so. It feels like I've been asleep for a thousand years and at times, I felt like I was hopping through 4d space with my environment merging in and out of reality like a hypercube. It was really crazy and scary and irresponsible and also eye opening and transformative and I also faced a lot of my deepest worries, fears and emotions, as I was literally stuck in the same loop for hours and days and actually, a million simultaneous loops.

I felt as if there was a threshold to reach, beyond which my body would reach a state of perpetual motion and infinite energy. And I've literally been taking like 20 different supplements simultaneously.

But... I'm perfectly fine now somehow and actually, the chaos made me reorganize my life in profound ways. I still can't bear the cringe of the depths of delusions I fell inside of and could not discern anything from within. I keep thinking that at some point, I'd have experienced enough... not to be capable of being deluded, but when actual perception, reality, the very mind that discerns is being overridden from within... then there is too little awareness... imagine wearing a headset and being fully immersed.

Ughhhh...

Yet even after surviving all that Delirium, the worst feeling I have is that of how cringe I feel 😅

[PurpleTree]

On 2024-12-21 at 10:15 AM, Keryo Koffa said:

I want to die so bad, there I said it. There's no point in denying it. I hate this experience, I hate it so bad. I want to leave. I am ready. I don't want to live beyond this weekend. I want to move on. I want to evolve. I want to change. I wanna be selfish, selfless. I don't want to help others anymore. I don't want to be. I don't want to make art. I don't need to explore every possibility. I want to exist in greater terms. I want to be unbound. I want to have my own space. I want to be undistracted. I want to exist outside all expectations. I want to be forever psychedelic. I want paradise. I lived long enough. I lived way too long. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm too young to die. I don't want to reincarnate. I want to glitch out of here. I want to change form. I want to retain my memories, but not be bound to them, seeing them from outside, inside, continue them in the afterlife from unlimitation at my own pace. I want to see and be more, different, metamorphize this body into an alien one. I want to be the astral self I only experience fleetingly. I don't want to consciously make choices. I want to be free of all obligations. I don't want to make art, to create it in physicality, I just want to become it. I want to let go of the fear of having to continue to live. Having died is my highest passion. I want to stop suffering. I I I I I I I. 

Eraserhead 1977

"The wave of Positivity washed over me and in disbelief turned expectation,
dissonance too fast a slope, shadows cast invisible rays of imaginary potential,
cries of missing amplitudes self-devoid." - Me

"The holes in patterned walls are getting thinner" - Also Me

"Genes, Memes, (Consciousness) Cheems" - M2

"Tridecibiomefghjkpqsuvwyzallineuratrix" - Just ask Chat

"Progress can be halted, but not lost"

Phosphorescent       Luminescent       Florescent       Incandescent      

Translucent       Iridescent       Coral

Synthesgenesisia

 

On 2024-12-21 at 5:57 PM, Sugarcoat said:

Same

Merry Christmas guys 💜

 

12 minutes ago, Keryo Koffa said:

Update: Okay, so I'm back from a week long marathon binge of increasing unhuman doses of multiple dissociates and psychedelics simultaneously. Now I'm dying from my own cringe. Don't worry, I never do harm my body directly. I've been in states more elevated than anything, but I've also fell into the deepest manic delirium. I believe I chewed on a hundred mg of 5-meo at some point or imagined myself doing so. It feels like I've been asleep for a thousand years and at times, I felt like I was hopping through 4d space with my environment merging in and out of reality like a hypercube. It was really crazy and scary and irresponsible and also eye opening and transformative and I also faced a lot of my deepest worries, fears and emotions, as I was literally stuck in the same loop for hours and days and actually, a million simultaneous loops.

I felt as if there was a threshold to reach, beyond which my body would reach a state of perpetual motion and infinite energy. And I've literally been taking like 20 different supplements simultaneously.

But... I'm perfectly fine now somehow and actually, the chaos made me reorganize my life in profound ways. I still can't bear the cringe of the depths of delusions I fell inside of and could not discern anything from within. I keep thinking that at some point, I'd have experienced enough... not to be capable of being deluded, but when actual perception, reality, the very mind that discerns is being overridden from within... then there is too little awareness... imagine wearing a headset and being fully immersed.

Ughhhh...

Yet even after surviving all that Delirium, the worst feeling I have is that of how cringe I feel 😅

You know it’s funny. We make it so complicated when it maybe was just a day with low serotonin or something.

Edited 22 hours ago by PurpleTree

[NewKidOnTheBlock]

You're consuming a chemical psychoactive compound extracted from a toad poison, it shouldn't come off as any surprise that there can be dangerous side effects

[Keryo Koffa]

6 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

Merry Christmas guys 💜

You know it’s funny. We make it so complicated when it maybe was just a day with low serotonin or something.

I explored the Schizo route quite enough for a while 😅

Merry Christmas to you too! 💜

[puporing]

There's more "ego death" you can reach without harming the body in any way, I mean soberly, but you'll likely have to re-shuffle your life because there won't be hardly anyone you can "relate with" here anymore. 

[integration journey]

I hope you live a healthy life🤍🤍 take care of yourself.

[Keryo Koffa]

Today I dreamed I woke up in the future and was told that the year was counted in the millions.

I looked out the window and there were stacked buildings everywhere, basically Cyberpunk.

And I went into the City, was notified publicly and asked for my Birthday.

But it was ridiculous that we'd be in millions of Years, so I called that out.

That humanity was still around, and we'd still be on a Planet with Buildings, that AGI hadn't evolved us further.

So then I saw relatives, friends, superhero standoffs, Media flooded into Reality too.

But in the End, all of that came from Present shows, interests and visions.

It wasn't "unimaginably new", as one would expect from this Timescale.

And I'm up again and grounding myself in my current Life once more.

[Sugarcoat]

@PurpleTree thanks

[Schizophonia]

@Keryo Koffa Why do you feel cringe ?

 

It's a serious question. 

Edited 9 hours ago by Schizophonia

[Keryo Koffa]

2 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

@Keryo Koffa Why do you feel cringe ?

The things I sometimes say or the way I think are so far removed from reality, that it turns into real non-sense, that is to say, it's really funny and weird but also super embarrassing in hindsight, when I recollect events from everyone's perspective. On the other hand, it's really exciting and fun too. Anyway, the best way to describe what I'm going through is with this video.

Edited 7 hours ago by Keryo Koffa

[Princess Arabia]

12 minutes ago, Keryo Koffa said:

On the other hand, it's really exciting and fun too

If you call a spontaneous knee-jerking suicide scare exciting and fun and having people concerned about you, then maybe you might want to reconsider your ideas of fun. This is why I said nothing other than I love you. I tire of all these suicide scares and will treat them like the boy that cried wolf from now on. None will get my attention anymore other than maybe a "you are loved" comment.

[Keryo Koffa]

43 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

If you call a spontaneous knee-jerking suicide scare exciting and fun and having people concerned about you, then maybe you might want to reconsider your ideas of fun. This is why I said nothing other than I love you. I tire of all these suicide scares and will treat them like the boy that cried wolf from now on. None will get my attention anymore other than maybe a "you are loved" comment.

That's not fun at all. What I meant is the experiences I was able to feel after I stop pretending I'm fine and opened up to myself. Not that I need to concern everyone, that does slip out when I get unstable. But yeah, wanting to die does not mean I'll kill myself. These are not equal, so when I talk about it, I'm admitting my thoughts, not saying I'll act on them in any physical way.

The internet does have a way with me:

Edited 6 hours ago by Keryo Koffa

[Princess Arabia]

@Keryo KoffaWell, when you post in the mental health section that you want to die and don't want to suffer anymore, and everything else between, you must expect us to take it as that. Anyway, I'm glad that's all over and you're still here with us...apparently. Lol, yes, you're not gonna escape me, baby. Seemingly. Hehe. Love you.

[Keryo Koffa]

2 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

@Keryo KoffaWell, when you post in the mental health section that you want to die and don't want to suffer anymore, and everything else between, you must expect us to take it as that. Anyway, I'm glad that's all over and you're still here with us...apparently. Lol, yes, you're not gonna escape me, baby. Seemingly. Hehe. Love you.

I love you too. I didn't want to spam the other sections and it's weird to journal though it would have made sense. But it is about mental health, so I thought it's a good place to calmly talk about it. Sorry for the worry, Heart.

Edited 6 hours ago by Keryo Koffa

[Princess Arabia]

4 minutes ago, Keryo Koffa said:

Sorry for the worry, Heart.

No need, these circumstances loosens up the sense of self and allows for more opening. It's amazing how it works. Unexplainable.

[LoseYourvelf]

5 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

The things I sometimes say or the way I think are so far removed from reality, that it turns into real non-sense, that is to say, it's really funny and weird but also super embarrassing in hindsight, when I recollect events from everyone's perspective. On the other hand, it's really exciting and fun too. Anyway, the best way to describe what I'm going through is with this video.

A goodie for sure (the vid)