My old journal

[Buck Edwards]

On 21/09/2023 at 10:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds and yopo seeds. 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 10:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't want pure LSA. Seeds are enough. 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 10:43 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Love Anadenanthera.. Anadenanthera Colubrina and Peregrina.. 

Anadenanthera spp in Indian River County. 

 

Anadenanthera spp (yopo) 

Alternative to dmt. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want pods and seeds lol.

 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 11:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't think I'll ever try datura or Salvia. Strongy for me. 

 

 

Your mate tom

 

 

Dakota of earth. 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 11:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

This is so cool. 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 11:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

This is so cool. 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 11:47 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm crying right now. I'm crying right now. 

 

I just needed to feel accepted. 

I feel like I am tripping. And I can see different shades of blue. 

And these shades are accepting me in all of my forms. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 21/09/2023 at 0:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm crying right now. I'm crying right now. 

 

I just needed to feel accepted. 

I feel like I am tripping. And I can see different shades of blue. 

And these shades are accepting me in all of my forms. 

 

I felt those blues were embracing me. 

 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 6:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I've been doing better since a couple of days. A few things and maybe I'm set. I don't know. 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 9:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I've a new lease at life and maybe I should just enjoy it. 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 9:21 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I think a more matured state of happiness has come to me. 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 9:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I've inflicted suffering on my ex. And I understand that. I take full responsibility for that. I don't condone my actions in any form. 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 9:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Mental illness can be a hell of a thing and there's just too much taboo around it. I've come to a sense of closure. My own suffering has caused my suffering to transfer to my ex. It wasn't fair them to suffer because of me and I'm forever guilty of hurting them. 

Of course I should try to be a better person but that takes time. I've learned so many valuable lessons on the way. 

 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 9:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Love is bigger than Everything. 

Love is bigger than Evil. 

Love is bigger than Trauma 

Love is bigger than Intelligence 

Love is bigger than Validation

Love is bigger than Submission

Love is bigger than Transcendence

Love is bigger than Excellence

Love is Purity 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 10:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 25/09/2023 at 10:02 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Lol. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 13/10/2023 at 6:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Last night we discussed about the idea of power and if karma really exists. 

 

On 13/10/2023 at 6:55 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to come to terms with the fact that I have autism. There's nothing around or beyond it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 13/10/2023 at 11:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm trying natural stuff and therapy. Drugs is plan b

 

On 13/10/2023 at 11:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had a peculiar dream last night and it strangely answered a lot of my questions and worries bothering me. 

In the dream, a woman accuses me of being a stalker. I try to explain in vain that I'm not. Then a certain person finds a friend who has been clued on about me. This man then sets up surveillance to keep a watch on my activities. I'm sitting in a car and I can see through the corner of my eyes that he is watching me sitting in a car parked just a few feet behind mine. It makes me uncomfortable as though I'm being watched. 

I can see myself in jail or prison. I can see a dog, a golden retriever who is used as a therapy dog in my prison stay for stress relief. I bond with that dog. I can see my sibling in the same prison. 

I try to convince this person in vain. The other surveillance guy comes up to me. 

I'm flooded in tears. I leave the surveillance guy a message, an oral promise - if anything happened to me and if I died, then just let that person know that I deeply loved them. That I wasn't manipulative or diabolical. Whatever they had assumed about me was a story in their brain they kept believing and the truth was very far from it. The surveillance guy said it was interesting to meet me. I explain him that wasn't my goal. I wasn't doing anything on purpose. Nothing was in my control except that my feelings were genuine but were never wholly believed 

In the end I'm dead and gone, unable to fully defend my claim and I wake up. Wow. 

      

To be free of you. To be free of wanting you.

This love hate relationship I have with you. I wish I could end it.

There's no true love. 

I love you for this. I hate you for this. 

 

 

I often play this character in my dreams where I'm both vulnerable and diabolical at the same time. I think this is a significant impact of past trauma and pedophile abuse. I can't think of anything else. 

I was groomed as a child. So. It's just not worth it. There is nothing good or bad, neither good nor evil. That's all I can think of. The complexity of my character. 

In the moment.... 

 

Lol. 

Because you keep an eye on me without being my soulmate. You keep watching me. At least try to understand me. 

Life path life path life path. Remember that. 

That's why after finding you, I'm not attracted to anyone else. You give me that strong intense soulmate/karmic soulmate energy I simply cannot get rid of. You were my healer. 

 

Obviously the course of the path between you and me has impacted me significantly. I'm too tired. Not tired of wanting you. But tired of seeking yet not finding that fulfillment with you. I think by closure I mean your fulfilling love. 

 

For the longest time, I relied on your approval of who I wanted to be. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 0:49 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Peace at all times. Breathe free of nonsense. 

Be the stoic you want to be. 

 

        

 

 

 

 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 10:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Recent insights during my lucid meditation. Key points. 

• Think positive 
• Moralizing too much leads to dogma 
• Both evil and good are like twins 
• You can find good in evil as well 
• Sometimes good is not as good as you think and evil is not as bad as you assume 
• Don't engage in black and white think 
• There is something called as necessary evil. 
• The road to Enlightenment is through acceptance 
• Find peace. Find closure 
• Good is for survival. Even evil is for survival. 
• We hate evil because we believe it harms our survival. Yet even good and innocent people are equally capable of harm. 
• Remember to not engage in black and white thinking 
• Don't judge. Be as non judgemental as possible. 
• Morality was invented for survival. 
• Sometimes the outcome of something evil is good. Leave it to destiny. These are not under human control. 
• Resolving evil is important. It's a major obstacle on the path to Enlightenment. 
• Supernatural evil is just as rare as supernatural good. 
• Leave moral dogma behind 
• Take the higher road. Be higher than Evil. 

 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 11:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm diagnosed hypomanic Bipolar. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bipolar runs in my whole family. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 3:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My mom has been prescribed olanzapine (Zyprexa) risperidone and Quetiapine.... And I'm currently on aripiprazole. 

 

I was on zoloft before. 

 

I don't understand and can't pronounce these med names properly 

 

 

 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 3:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

(((  1 hour ago, jdc7733 said:

@Leo Gura I’ve tried olanzapine, risperidone, amisulpride, flupentixol and aripiprazole. I’ve also tried CBT. I can’t tell if you’re just trying to sound like me when I used to just tell everyone who said things weren’t real “no because science”, I’m paraphrasing, and like used to believe in the medical community.)))) 

 

 

 

My mom has been prescribed olanzapine (Zyprexa) risperidone and Quetiapine.... And I'm currently on aripiprazole. It works well for me. 

 

 

I was on zoloft before. 

Sometimes they work. I don't have schizophrenia but I have paranoia related symptoms.. 

 

My mom was also prescribed Mirtazapine recently. (if you have sleep issues, it seems to help). 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 3:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I was prescribed Tryptomer and Inderal long ago. 

 

On 14/10/2023 at 5:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 15/10/2023 at 8:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

(this is my latest rap lyrics) 

 

Juicy J, Ez Mil coming up with a new release egging beeshes

You gotta chill, even if the world around you is crashing to pieces 

Remix, G shit, you know what it is, 

Black and Yellow, black and yellow 

People who preach others on what to do 

But don't do it themselves egging beeshes

Acapella Acapella 

Boom

All I do is egging win 

Rap is not rap, it's rapture 

We gotta teach 'em crackers, how to rap

We gotta teach' em incels how to tap 

You can bribe me with a dick-a 

When they can't argue 

They scapegoating the bigg-a

Only a bigg-a

Only a bigg-a

Bigg-a, sssorry there's no rhythm 

To ya lyrics, 

You rapping like a dog yapping

Rap should-da sound like hell from Kordhell, killers from the Northside 

By the way jokes aside, 

All the guras and the gurus, fake shit

Remix, G shit, 

We banging now, you like it? 

We banging now, you like it? 

I'm so yellow, you'd think I'm from Pittsb-a

The industry gurus like me, 

Wherever I go, yeah!!!! 

Hate ya, getch ya, 

Wiz Khalifa 

Yeah, chief-a

The biggest bigg-a

Get your fucking weed-a

I wanna fuck you in the ass, ah

I know you find it sexy, yeah 

Aren't you horny na, haha

My ego as bigg-a as the Mount Everest 

(nah-uh, Kailash-a),

My heart-a as bigg-a as Kalidasa

My brains on psychedelika

I'm CERTIFIED PLATINUM 

By the KHALIFA..... bigg-a

My next lyrics, I forgot damn, ahh! 

Mhmm I'm burning in penis envy 

You can see the gap between my front teeth 

You gotta take the edge off me 

What's that sound in the kitchen, baby!! 

Cuz I have to speak in codes and shit 

Since we're plagued by egging cancel culture 

They hatin on us, even if we tryna do better than most, 'em vulture 

Bring in your friends, C'mon... 

We wer supposed to be one, yet we keep fighting

This mess we keep cleaning 

There should be a time when all is done 

And we get to be shining. 

I told ya

This is not your art-a, you Crack-a

Remix, G shit, you know what it is, 

Black and Yellow, black and yellow 

 

 

 

On 15/10/2023 at 0:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm not in a good mood. I'm in a ferocious mood right now. I'm furious and sad. 

 

On 15/10/2023 at 0:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

The resolution to evil and the nature of evil is to bypass it. To take the higher road. For some time this has been bothering me. One way to circumvent this subject is to understand that evil need not be canceled or destroyed although such temptation exists. If there's enough good in this world and we all stay empowered, and live lives in strength and unity, no evil can touch us. If you are strong enough, nothing can touch you. 

 

On 15/10/2023 at 2:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How you communicate an idea to a person says everything you need to know. At the same time, you only get to know anything you want only partially from text. I wish it was more of a video conference system in here. Or a real Roundtable. Body language is so important 

I don't think I would have been competent enough to participate in that because sometimes due to my autism I can have adverse reactions like red rashes across my face and that can be embarrassing for me. 

This excerpt was taken from psychology today - 

Children with autism are more likely to have psoriasis, eczema, and allergies than neurotypical children. Estimates of the prevalence of eczema among children with autism range from 7 percent to 64.2 percent. Interestingly, women with eczema or psoriasis appear to be more likely to have children with autism.