My old journal

[Buck Edwards]

A compilation. 

[Buck Edwards]

On 03/08/2023 at 11:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm just not feeling well today. I feel I went through a lot of crap. Just unnecessary stuff. 

 

 

On 03/08/2023 at 4:43 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 03/08/2023 at 7:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I was thinking about the dark night of the soul 

 

 

On 04/08/2023 at 3:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I began lucidly meditating again. I could see being pushed and pushed. 

 

On 04/08/2023 at 4:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Dealing with autism can be a hard job. But I'm doing my best. 

 

On 05/08/2023 at 6:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm terrified right now. I saw a huge UFO in my lucid meditation. 

 

 

On 06/08/2023 at 9:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Wise words

 

Your ultimate deceiver is you, the one who finds self-centered reasons to believe in lies.  Humans instinctively prioritize survival, so when self-interest conflicts with truth, we are naturally more inclined toward defending the former.

 

On 06/08/2023 at 10:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I felt for a while that I was losing in life once again. Once again I'll be a failure. Once again I will be nothing. 

 

But I want to have hope. I don't want to lose. I don't want to feel like nothing is possible. 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 1:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Once again my life was saved in lucid meditation. 

I was meditating on a wooden structure. 

Then a yogi came to me. He stood next to me and told me to get up. I did what he said. After two minutes, the wooden structure completely collapsed. 

I looked at it. I could have died had the yogi not come to my rescue in the nick of time. 

He saved my life. 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 10:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 11:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I suffered a bipolar episode a couple of hours ago and now I realize how it must feel. I felt terribly neurotic, vexatious and felt like pushing everything away. . I never thought I would suffer this. 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 0:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel sleepy. 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 0:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think I might have bipolar depression and not mania. I felt irritability and frustration. 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 3:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Leo is instrumental to me but more on the practical side of things. I enjoy his content. I can't expect much. I think Sadhguru is more fulfilling on the spiritual side of things. It's time for me to cut ties with Leo. At least on the spiritual side as it doesn't benefit me the way I would want it to. Regarding other things Leo still has lot of helpful advice, pointers and opinions. But character-wise I trust Sadhguru. 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 3:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I also enjoy Spira, Adyashanti, Kahn, Bashar and Ralston as well. There's Jiddu Krishnamurti And Maharshi but they are dead. 

Sadhguru of course. There are many more. 

 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 3:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

And there's Osho and Mooji. 

Although I'm not a big fan of Osho I sometimes like his stuff. 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 3:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Last one week has been quite tough. My lucid meditation caused loss of sleep. 

 

 

On 07/08/2023 at 3:51 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I was completely fine until last week and I derailed majorly. 

I feel like I lost it with my bipolar episode.

 

I have to be back on track. Those who are mentally ill should follow Sadhguru. Glimmer of hope. 

The spiritual ego and material ego bugs me. 

Unusual. 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/74987-this-forum-is-lip-opend-minded-forum/

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89017-can-a-sociopath-like-andrew-tate-become-enlightened/?do=findComment&comment=1262079

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 2:21 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Late night driving. 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 2:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You can never deal with a narcissistic psychopath. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 5:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Well that got sorted out thank goodness. Now move to the next. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:08 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I need to build a proper supportive structure. 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:13 AM, Buck Edwards said:

From now on, I'll be using Sadhguru's picture during my trips. 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I already had my fair share of arguments in the spirituality section

 

***discuss supportive structure. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 0:26 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Beautiful 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 0:26 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Beautiful 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 0:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Fav

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Awesome. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:06 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:10 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

  

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 0:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Fav

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 0:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Awesome. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:06 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:10 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

  

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 1:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

https://youtube.com/watch?v=hs1ySJAF80Q&feature=share8

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 1:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

https://youtube.com/watch?v=hs1ySJAF80Q&feature=share8

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 1:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 08/08/2023 at 1:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Late night driving. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:12 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Late night driving. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Late night driving 3

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Late night driving Atlanta. 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Falling asleep on the train

 

 

 

On 08/08/2023 at 6:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 10/08/2023 at 3:38 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Sometimes it all plays right into my insecurities. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 10/08/2023 at 5:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Just woke up. Slept a couple of hours. And decided to make some Cajun crab. 

Got a dainty blue crab. 

 

 

 

 

On 10/08/2023 at 6:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I love the enticing blue colors of the crab. 

Made Cajun crab.. 

 

On 11/08/2023 at 4:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

There are just so many interesting things to do in this world. 

 

On 11/08/2023 at 5:38 AM, Buck Edwards said:

As life gets increasingly complex, focus on what's important 

Collect all the wisdom you need. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do. Some stuff privately. 

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 6:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I love it when I feel crappy after meditation. It means the meditation is working. The subconscious mind is surfacing old mental garbage and purging it. This is what spiritual purification looks like. Most people mistake it for a sign of trouble when actually is very healthy.

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 10:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm attracted to the essence of love. 

Love is all around. And when you have love in your heart, you're automatically attracted to it and you find it somehow, no matter how far you might feel you're from it, you eventually get to it like moths to a flame. 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 10:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I am naturally drawn to national parks and forests. I find peace in nature. Close to nature. It has a healing effect on me. 

I'd love to meditate in a forest. 

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 10:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Yea mostly in a frozen forest I don't think anyone would jump at me. I can set up camp there and a camp fire. Most animals are scared of fire so they won't come around. It's best to choose a spot that is designated as free of bears and coyotes. 

I'm where the Sasquatch lives. 

I'm where the Sasquatch lives. 

I'm where the Sasquatch lives. 

Deep deep in the forest 

My soul is lost 

The only thing that embraces my dead soul is dead wood. 

 

 

 

It's difficult for me too. Like a tightrope walk. The balance between showing vulnerability versus strength and not knowing if it's even worth it. The false illusion that all vulnerabilities are forgiven. Then putting a lid on it and smiling in public yet knowing that this is not my true authentic but a veneer I must hold on to. Emotional and psychological vulnerability is the toughest thing in the age of social media and I struggle plenty with that. 

The shadow follows me around in the forest.

The shadow follows me around in the forest.

Little did I know

What life was gonna show 

We're in this mystery of life for eternity 

Some day when I'm free, 

I'll breathe the breath of peace and sing the song of love 

Cuz life you know, it's always meeting you when you least expect it 

Till then and forever 

The shadow follows me around in the forest. 

I guess I need to go to bed and leave everything in the forest. 

[Buck Edwards]

On 10/08/2023 at 5:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Just woke up. Slept a couple of hours. And decided to make some Cajun crab. 

Got a dainty blue crab. 

 

 

 

 

On 10/08/2023 at 6:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I love the enticing blue colors of the crab. 

Made Cajun crab.. 

 

On 11/08/2023 at 4:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

There are just so many interesting things to do in this world. 

 

On 11/08/2023 at 5:38 AM, Buck Edwards said:

As life gets increasingly complex, focus on what's important 

Collect all the wisdom you need. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do. Some stuff privately. 

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 6:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I love it when I feel crappy after meditation. It means the meditation is working. The subconscious mind is surfacing old mental garbage and purging it. This is what spiritual purification looks like. Most people mistake it for a sign of trouble when actually is very healthy.

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 10:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm attracted to the essence of love. 

Love is all around. And when you have love in your heart, you're automatically attracted to it and you find it somehow, no matter how far you might feel you're from it, you eventually get to it like moths to a flame. 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 10:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I am naturally drawn to national parks and forests. I find peace in nature. Close to nature. It has a healing effect on me. 

I'd love to meditate in a forest. 

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 10:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Yea mostly in a frozen forest I don't think anyone would jump at me. I can set up camp there and a camp fire. Most animals are scared of fire so they won't come around. It's best to choose a spot that is designated as free of bears and coyotes. 

I'm where the Sasquatch lives. 

I'm where the Sasquatch lives. 

I'm where the Sasquatch lives. 

Deep deep in the forest 

My soul is lost 

The only thing that embraces my dead soul is dead wood. 

 

 

 

It's difficult for me too. Like a tightrope walk. The balance between showing vulnerability versus strength and not knowing if it's even worth it. The false illusion that all vulnerabilities are forgiven. Then putting a lid on it and smiling in public yet knowing that this is not my true authentic but a veneer I must hold on to. Emotional and psychological vulnerability is the toughest thing in the age of social media and I struggle plenty with that. 

The shadow follows me around in the forest.

The shadow follows me around in the forest.

Little did I know

What life was gonna show 

We're in this mystery of life for eternity 

Some day when I'm free, 

I'll breathe the breath of peace and sing the song of love 

Cuz life you know, it's always meeting you when you least expect it 

Till then and forever 

The shadow follows me around in the forest. 

I guess I need to go to bed and leave everything in the forest. 

[Buck Edwards]

On 12/08/2023 at 2:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wanna hike on the blue ridge mountain trail and soon I'll be there. I want to set camp there deep in the woods. Surrounded by spruce. I wanna listen to some country and jam on full blast. I wanna cook some carrots and potatoes and carry a radio with me. 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 2:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Who ran off to the mountains like a monkey in the middle of the night? 

Answer - me. Lol

 

On 12/08/2023 at 2:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll just say blush nude and spruce up. 

 

 

On 12/08/2023 at 8:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

autistic people have hyperactive & hypersensitive DMT levels. 

 

 

Who knew. 

 

On 13/08/2023 at 4:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Time for me to sleep in the forest

 

The mud is brown. Mud brown. 

The tea is brown. Tea brown. 

Almonds are brown. Almond brown. 

 

 

On 13/08/2023 at 10:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Neuse River

Swan Creek, Broad Creek, Brown Creek, 

Brown Creek; Orchard Creek; South River. Hardy Creek; Big Creek; Mulberry Creek; Old House Creek 

The name of the Neuse River comes from the Neusiok, an American Indian tribe.

The Neuse River is 275 miles long and is entirely contained within the state of North Carolina. It begins in Western Durham County and drains into the Pamlico Sound. The Neuse River is a habitat for many endangered species like the Carolina madtom (a freshwater catfish), the piping plover, and the loggerhead turtle. Many animals that travel between freshwater and the salty ocean are also found in the Neuse River, like the American eel, herring, shad, blue crab, and oysters.

 

Cape Fear River

The Cape Fear River is 202 miles long. It begins where the Haw River and the Deep River converge in the town Moncure and flows into the Atlantic Ocean. 

The Cape Fear River’s water is slow as it moves through wetlands and forested swamps. The river also passes through Wilmington.

French Broad River

The French Broad River is 213 miles long. It might be one of the oldest rivers in the world. Big Laurel and Puncheon Fork, Madison, US highway 25 to confluence with French Broad River, 5, Flows through a 1200 foot deep gorge.

The French Broad River is older than the Southern Appalachian Mountains.

Great Pee Dee River

The Pee Dee River begins in the Appalachian Mountains in North Carolina and flows for 232 miles until it empties into Winyah Bay and the Atlantic Ocean 

The Pee Dee River is home to both freshwater fish and saltwater fish.

Yadkin River

The Yadkin River is 215 miles long. Many areas of the river are dammed for flood control, creating various lakes and reservoirs along its course.

 

Tar River

The Yadkin River flows through two state parks (Morrow Mountain State Park and Pilot Mountain State Park), as well as the Uwharrie National Forest.

 

The Tar River hosts migrations of striped bass, American shad, and hickory shad. Throughout the year bowfin, panfish, gar, and largemouth bass reside in the river. It also is home to many other types of wildlife, like eastern turkeys, bald eagles, river otters, and beavers.

 

Dan River

The Dan River is 214 miles long, stretching across both states of North Carolina and Virginia. It begins in Patrick County, Virginia, flowing into Stokes. The Dan River (or 'Dirty Dan' as we call it when planning a tubing trip) is a 214 mile river that flows through both NC and VA.

The Dan River terminates at the Kerr Reservoir, which is the largest reservoir in Virginia.

 

Lumber River

The Lumber River is a blackwater river. Decaying vegetation leach tannins into the water, which makes it look like it has a dark color to it. Big Swamp, Robeson, Bladen, Hoke, From confluence with Gallberry Swamp to RM O, confluence with Lumber River at Lumberton

The Lumber River was originally named “Drowning Creek.” Its name was changed in 1809 to reflect the area’s growing lumber industry.

New River

The New River is landscaped with fast-moving water and big rocks, as well as slower stretches. This makes the New River an excellent place for fishing. The New River is one of the oldest rivers in North America and considered by geologist to be one of the oldest rivers in the world.

River otters live in and near the New River, along with minks, beavers, and muskrats.

The forests that grow along the banks of the New River are filled with a variety of trees, including:

Mixed oak

Oak-hickory

Oak-yellow pine

Oak-maple

Hemlock-hardwoods

Cove hardwoods

Northern hardwoods

Bottomland hardwoods

Floodplain hardwoods

Sedges, pines, and cedars

The New River provides habitats and ecosystems to several species of wildlife, including:

 

65 species of mammals (river otters, minks, beavers, and muskrats)

40 species of reptiles (stinkpot turtles, snapping turtles, river cooters, five-lined skinks, black rat snakes, and copperhead snakes)

Various types of birds ( bald eagles, loons, osprey, cormorants, great blue herons, hooded mergansers kingfishers, and Cerulean warblers)

 

Roanoke River

The Roanoke River contains many rich ecosystems, like bottomland hardwood forests, alluvial forests, large back swamps, bald cypress, and water tupelo swamp. The Roanoke River is considered one of the major rivers of the Southeastern US. Spanning for 410 miles through Virginia and North Carolina. The longest river in North Carolina is the Roanoke River with an approximate length of 410 miles followed by the New River in the second position. The Roanoke River has been known to have dangerous spring floods. Because of this, it is sometimes nicknamed “The River of Death.”

 

Nantahala River

Nantahala River, Macon, Headwaters in Standing Indian basin near NC-GA State line to backwaters of Nantahala Lake, 21, Native trout waters.The Nantahala River is a 40-mile river that runs near the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. With class II-IV rapids, It's one of the most popular. The river is located in the Nantahala National Forest, and it has a controlled section of whitewater rapids. 

 

Deep River

Deep River is a translation of the Indian name sapponah which means “deep river.”Deep River: Greensboro and Sanford, two important population areas in central North Carolina, are located on the Deep River's path to the Atlantic Ocean.

 

Catawba River

The Catawba River is named for the Catawba tribe of American Indians.  The Catawba tribe lives along the banks of the Catawba River and call themselves “yeh is-WAH h/reh,” which means “people of the river.

 

Chowan River

Bennetts Creek, Gates, Merchants Millpond to confluence with Chowan River, 19, Isolated stream bordered by swamp forests; habitat for variety of flora. 

 

 

Cullasaja River

Remote float stream that flows through Bladen State Forest. Fish, Recreational, Scenic, Wildlife, Black, 1982. Cullasaja River, Macon. 

 

Northeast Cape Fear River

Goshen Swamp, Duplin, NC 403 bridge to confluence with Northeast Cape Fear River, 19, Abundance and diversity of wildlife. Fish, Wildlife. 

Northeast Cape Fear River – 131 miles

The Northeast Cape Fear River is home to many unique species of wildlife, including the carnivorous Venus flytrap.

 

White Oak River

White Oak River, Jones, Onslow, Confluence with North Prong White Oak River to powerline, 19, Fishing, hunting, picnicking, camping, canoeing. 

Tuckasegee River

The Tuckasegee River flows entirely within western North Carolina. It begins its course in Jackson County above Cullowhee at the confluence of Panthertown and Greenland creeks. It flows in a northwesterly direction into Swain County, where the Oconaluftee flows into it before the Tuckaseegee heads northwest

 

 

Cane Creek

Cane Creek is a 24.21 mi (38.96 km) long 4th order tributary to the Haw River, in Alamance County, North Carolina. 

Rocky River

The Rocky River's headwaters begin in southern Iredell county and terminate at the confluence with Yadkin Pee Dee at Fork Farms (Catawba Lands Conservancy has a conservation easement on this property) in Stanly County. It is unconfirmed but believed that the Rocky River is the longest undammed river in North Carolina.

 

Broad river 

 

Although they share a name, the Broad River is a distinctly separate river from the French Broad River.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Info taken from 

coastalcarolinariverwatch.org

www.carolinathreadtrailmap.org

 

 

On 13/08/2023 at 6:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Just barely waking up. 

I woke up at 4am earlier. Quite early. But I slept long. I had vivid dreams. 

A British nun was thrashing me. Everything was British origin. Weird. 

What has happened to me? Why? Gloomy gloomy. 

 

On 13/08/2023 at 6:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wrote this short poem when I woke up —

Along the Appalachian trail, near the foothills of the Blue Ridge is my sweet home and where I wanna spend the rest of my life in peace and harmony with nature and my hillbilly folks who admire and adore me, my salt of the earth kind of people. Life is beautiful here, more beautiful than the trees, younger than the mountains, growin' like a breeze. 

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/uploads/emoticons/sleep@2x.png

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/uploads/emoticons/happy@2x.png

 

 

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/uploads/emoticons/dry@2x.png

 

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/uploads/emoticons/mellow@2x.png

I'll probably just use the sleep emoji. 

I'm mostly either sleepy or dry. 

 or  or 

I looked up what a mellow face looks like and it seems it's supposed to be drunk or mellowed out or just relaxed pleasant. The emoji doesn't express it like that. 

It's my favorite emoji in the scarce little emoji pack given by by our forum boss. 

So is this how mellow is to look like? 

 

 

On 14/08/2023 at 1:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Sunday is the day of sleeping because Monday is the day of Manic.

 

 

On 14/08/2023 at 10:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe someone was going through a bad mood. 

Maybe I misinterpreted their words and actions as an attack on my sovereignty. 

Maybe I felt triggered for nothing. 

Maybe I shouldn't have engaged in a passive aggressive back and forth. 

I won't engage again anymore. I don't want to hold bitter feelings. 

Maybe I simply wanted to keep venting. Maybe they thought it was an attack on their character.

I should not do that. I don't like fighting. I am too passive for that. I like to be in a harmonizing mood. 

I didn't wish to trigger or bother anyone but that time I felt like purging the intensity I was experiencing from the past. And I felt being rubbed in my face directly with all that salt.. 

But I forget. Everyone has a right to roll the dice. Everyone has the right to feel offended. And express their offense whatever way they choose to do it. If what others say hurts me, then what I say must hurt them as well. I can't expect someone to not be offended when I get offended too. I know I wanted a tit-for-tat kind of a situation, I wanted to express my pain too. But if someone wants to hurt me, let them as much as they want to, let them play their game, let them win, let them have their turn. I know I felt awful. And even more awful when they continued hurting me  and the battle began. In a way I realized that they will never accept me, they will never love me, they will never understand me. And it's okay too.. Love lies in letting go and forgiveness. I wish the bitterness had never existed. I wish I hadn't attacked them. That's not my character. It's always around them that I begin to act out of character. Because emotions are strong. Because I simply  cannot hold back. Because I simply  go wild the moment their presence interferes my energy. Because they heavily impact my mind. Because my wild emotions are attached to them. Because I can't control my impulses around them. Because nobody till date has impacted my emotional state to this extent. 

I never wanted war. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 14/08/2023 at 10:42 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I should learn to accept that others could be going through a rough patch. That others can feel frustration that I don't. That I should be patient and not be impulsive.

I shouldn't act entitled to my own emotions. But let others vent their emotions too. How else will I know what they feel? And maybe this is their way of seeking closure for what happened to them, instead of being offended, upset and getting into war mode. I am a grown up. And I shouldn't act petty and start a tiff right away. 

Everyone has a right to express themselves even if their expression offends me. It would be incredibly narcissistic if I only care about my own emotions and sabotage the expression of others. 

I simply didn't want an all out war. Neither did I mean an attack on someone's reputation. I need to humble myself. Deep down I have a reservoir of love that is untapped. 

Maybe because of my autism I can't express myself the way I would have wished to and it gets misinterpreted. 

It was all my fault. I got upset and I decided to blow off steam. I can never be able to convince that I don't mean bad things. But this is my own incapacity and I shouldn't fault others for not understanding me. 

At the end of the day, I care, even if I can't show it. I care deeply. I don't wish bad. My emotions are volatile especially around the ones I had some fondness with and those I shared some karma with. They were/are an important presence in my life. They meant a lot to me. Things have turned sour. It's ok.. I can never receive the love I wanted. And I should let go. To love is to wish happiness and peace. And not hold on to something like a child. I acted like a child. I couldn't let go. My impulses get the better of me. It's difficult, if anyone was in my shoes, they would have realized how my own passion destroys me. 

 

 

On 14/08/2023 at 11:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

And even if someone is not compassionate to my character or situation, that's really not up to me. 

 

On 14/08/2023 at 9:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I slept ok and I'm back up. 

And feeling good. 

Goofy. New day begins. 

 

 

On 14/08/2023 at 9:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Life is an ocean, a glacier and love is a tree. 

 

On 16/08/2023 at 3:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Life has always been a mystery. 

 

On 16/08/2023 at 5:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Time to celebrate. 

 

On 16/08/2023 at 5:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm extremely happy and blessed. Hooray! 

 

On 16/08/2023 at 5:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Northern territory 

Just woke up. Early morning here and time for cold showers. 

ybiMbQrETryV.jpg?o=1

https://gcdnb.pbrd.co/images/

 

 

 

On 17/08/2023 at 7:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 19/08/2023 at 7:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm a bit depressed. Just thinking. I need to revamp things. This cannot go on. I'm again on the path of destruction. I feel like a loser again. Pushing myself. I should not ruminate over things that don't matter.. I need to put a halt to this cycle. Last 5 years were brutal. 

I still have no peace. 

 

 

 

On 19/08/2023 at 8:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 19/08/2023 at 8:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 20/08/2023 at 8:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In an alternate universe I would have given you a piece of my mind. 

 

On 20/08/2023 at 9:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Love is greater than any other value. And compassion is the highest. If you have animosity, then your spiritual progress is a mere blunder. 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 3:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 23/08/2023 at 4:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 25/08/2023 at 2:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The frequency of intrusive feelings was not that high 

 

On 25/08/2023 at 3:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I just died over time like a dead leaf. 

 

 

On 25/08/2023 at 5:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You never have to worry 

 

On 25/08/2023 at 7:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If you keep looking for love, you'll end up destroying yourself. Most people play games in the name of love. Don't crave love so hard, you'll end up attracting weird narcissistic individuals ready to hawk on your needs. Love is a serious illusion. In fact true love is like mental illness, you really have to be crazy enough to give all your love to a person on a mad level. And nobody does that. The love that you see is bland and boring, just people putting up smokescreen to look perfect together. Most people don't have the emotional capacity for true love because a lot of emotional labor goes into that. Attraction is nice and alluring but it's mostly temporary. Any love that is lasting is like companionship, yet it's not as romantic as you'd like to imagine, just companionship. These relationships are a representation of the mind's needs for attachment, neediness, stimulation, deprivation, comfort, excitement, passion. The right time to think about love is when you are actually in love. Ruminating about love is a waste of time when you don't have an actual partner. 

Also merely thinking about love is not enough. It's an intellectual gllue. It sticks and doesn't come off and perpetuates. Creating voids and holes and woundedness within. Just a recipe for depression, melancholia and further un-healing. You'll never get anything productive out of this. It's preoccupation and rumination of love. 

Also realize that people have suffered in love. They found someone, fell in love and attracted a lot of suffering. Betrayal, breakup, abandonment, cheating, rejection, discord, fights, damage, destructiin, volatility, coldness, chaos, failure. These are packages that come handy with the idea of love and romance. And it's immense emotional torment and suffering. Mental suffering. Emotional suffering. These are not easy to deal with and these people deserved fairness and justice. They didn't deserve hurt and pain. Heartbreak and heartache. So it's not all rosy and rainbows when you are in love. This needs to be realized. That companionship comes at a cost. Either the cost is compromise or it's pain. The gain is very little. The hurt can be too loud. 

If you feel so entitled to someone's love, then what do you feel about people who suffered after falling in love. Aren't they worse off than you? 

This world is a game of unfairness. Life is unfair. It will never be fair. It doesn't care about your desires and passions. This is not nihilism or pessimism of any kind. If you cannot take the torture of not being loved, you're in for a rude awakening, if you cannot take the disappointment of not getting or finding love, then you will be completely broken if someone breaks your heart and damages you in love or abruptly abandons you after years of emotional attachment, you'll completely fall apart and be in absolute shambles. You won't be able to deal with the pain, frustration and struggle of a damaging destructive relationship. What's the point of all this other than endless cycles of emotional damage and years of unhealing, uphill battles that countless single parents, warring couples, divorced partners, separated lovers have to go through and they barely scratch by everyday. They not only suffer loneliness and emptiness, lack of love but the added burdens of their past mistakes of bad relationships, toxic partners, sometimes legal issues, endless drama, mistakes and wrong partners they chose that now come to bite them and they not only come to regret them but also have to pay for the repercussions and consequences of these precious mistakes. 

Put yourself in their shoes and think for a second. Most likely love will not look so beautiful then. 

You're a dream chaser. You're looking at it with rose tinted glasses. Love is not easy and is often painful and distrustful and hopeless. 

It only looks nice when you want it. Not when you actually have it. It's like a mountain, looks nice from a distance, yet climbing it will make you bored and stressed.

A healthy relationship is worth the hard work yet you can't be sure of its expiry. Then everything you put in is wasted. All effort, time, resources, emotional cost wasted. 

Love is the single biggest cause of despair in the world. It makes us crazy and excited yet it comes at a huge cost. 

If you turn your life into a mathematical equation of summation of costs and benefits, you'll benefit more that way.

Apply mathematics to love. Right now the math is that you're not in love so thinking about it is "zero" benefit. 

 

 

On 25/08/2023 at 3:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up. Listening to dis.

 

 

On 25/08/2023 at 3:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Raw talent. 

 

That's some impressive choreo. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 26/08/2023 at 3:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

August 26th. 

Happy Birthday Ben, have a nice one!

 

 

On 27/08/2023 at 2:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Got the cake and celebrated it. Ben lives far away so did it myself. 

 

 

 

 

 

Ate. 

 

 

On 27/08/2023 at 4:34 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I hope you forgive me. I know I hurt you again. It wasn't intentional. I acted out of my impulses. The impulse was to show anger and vent my frustration at you. I hope you understand why. I have no hate for you. I wish things were different in an alternate universe. You mean a lot to me. I might not mean that much to you and that's okay. I have nothing but love for you in my heart. I hope some day you would understand me completely. I never meant to cause hurt and pain. You always had my deepest affections. But those were ruined by my own doings and the series of things that happened thereafter. You have been my inspiration and I look up to you. In hindsight, I should have done things differently, but I suffer autism and I didn't have the calibration for it. I am still aware I hurt you rather badly. I have the utmost respect for you and I never wanted to say hurtful things. Maybe I shouldn't have but I did it in the heat of the moment. I will always have the same love for you that I always had. Stuff doesn't phase me or make me love you any less. Yes I do feel hurt and I vent, but that's for a few seconds. The next day I'm back to loving you. I can never hate you. What we had was special, maybe not for you but it was special for me. 

I did wrong things but they were against my will. I hope you let go and realize that nothing destroys what I have for you. My love goes deeper. Maybe some day you won't judge me. Maybe some day you will have sympathy for me. The fact that you left hurts. I never wanted things to be the way they turned out to be. Sometimes life is not in our control. I don't mean to cause you any problems or pain. And if I caused you that, I feel intense guilt over it. Things won't be the same as before and I understand. I don't want anything from you. I only wanted your acceptance. 

I don't want you to love me back. I don't think I'm worthy of it. But I thought some day you'll accept me. You'll understand me. Some day you'll stop hating me. 

This is the last I speak of you on your birthday. I'm too tired and I wanted peace. And I wanted the last time to be special. I'm not perfect and I'm sorry I couldn't be perfect. But I'm only human and I made mistakes. 

I'll always remember you. You changed me in many ways. In my dreams, youll never part from me. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 28/08/2023 at 10:39 PM, Buck Edwards said:

You probably just saw me as a distraction. 

 

 

On 28/08/2023 at 10:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Because I built a shrine for you in my head and now I cry at your altar, since you won't take me. I was always a part of you. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 0:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The kind of people who can never deal with things directly and everything must turn into a soap opera. 

Inconvenience.. Annoyance? 

 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 0:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Are you sure that the people that you admire are the people who you would like to talk to regularly? 

I guess the answer is no.. One of those days where I feel like I'm back in a mental asylum. 

I just had to keep building myself from scratch. It's impossible to feel sane when you're surrounded by madness on all sides. 

Buck, why don't you take action and be done with anything that doesn't serve your purpose fully/wholly? 

 

 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 1:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have found that my sleep quality has suffered a bit. Also because of these ongoing issues, some resolved, some not. I'm just an alpaca farm worker. 

 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 2:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel like eating some mineral. 

 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 3:13 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm feeling warm and cold at the same time. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 3:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Will I come to regret all the decisions and choices I made in life?

 

 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 3:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I was lucidly meditating once again.. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 3:38 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Lucid meditation 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 4:21 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have bad habits. I must accept that. 

 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 6:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Sprayed my face wit Bulgarian rose spirit. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 6:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm feeling a bit dizzy after trying this concoction of Bulgarian rose water and grape juice. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 7:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll be okay. Don't worry. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 5:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Countdown begins. Feeling anxious 

 

 

On 30/08/2023 at 1:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What is pain? 

Pain is losing you. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/08/2023 at 6:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm feeling a bit dizzy after trying this concoction of Bulgarian rose water and grape juice. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 7:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll be okay. Don't worry. 

 

On 29/08/2023 at 5:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Countdown begins. Feeling anxious 

 

 

On 30/08/2023 at 1:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What is pain? 

Pain is losing you. 

 

 

On 30/08/2023 at 2:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Deep down I'm not a bad person just someone who is ill equipped and deeply flawed. 

 

 

 

On 30/08/2023 at 8:06 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Do we just go through life or do we just cope through life? 

 

On 31/08/2023 at 4:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Lucid visions. 

I had a lucid vision where I saw people as zombies and they appeared naked to me. In their naked state they were too ugly. Just gross. 

 

On 31/08/2023 at 5:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm autistic. Actually awtistic. I'm weird. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 24/01/2024 at 10:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Having to live with experiencing child abuse has had a huge effect on me - anger, depression and anxiety have been emotions which were hard for me to live with but easy for me to relate to. Even so the abuse had not affected the real sense of ‘uniqueness’ my situation gave me.

 

 

On 24/01/2024 at 10:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

All of my cumulative experiences has had  wrapped a vial of pain and fear around me, it has also had a dramatic impact on my sense of self, myself development impacting on my behavior and in affect causing really a big gap in between my self-concept (myself as I am) and the ideal self (myself as I would like to be). It was a case of how I saw myself and how much other people saw me. I strongly believe my journey through adolescences at a social level it was my task to shape my identity or self image in the best way I could in very difficult circumstances.

 

On 24/01/2024 at 10:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In the midst of chaos, I had returned. I had found my footing. Once again, I don't wanna betrayed. I want that sunshine to sneak through the slit. Take away this dark world. Bring on that old world charm once again.. Woo me with treasures of frankincense and mythical tales. 

 

On 24/01/2024 at 11:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Who the fuck believes in mythical creatures and dmt entities? 

 

I can never share something like that with anyone. 

 

Now if anyone told me that they saw creatures in dreams, I would burst out laughing. Yet.... I have my own bunch of imaginary beings I believe in. 

I don't know. I used to believe in tulpas and stuff. 

 

 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 8:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

My love will rise. 

Today there will be love in my heart. 

Moksha in my soul 

Deep in my heart I love you to bits 

My thoughts are with you Do you love anyone?

And he is still with you What is the pain that you have given me in your heart?

Why don't you fall in love too?

My love shall pass me by. 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 9:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 25/01/2024 at 9:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to eat gond katira

 

 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 10:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think I have hypomania

 

 

It's a complex combination of adrenal dysregulation-hyperactivity-mania-substance abuse-dopamine craving-adrenal fatigue-adrenaline addiction salt sugar imbalance-general deficit disorder.

 

ADHMSADCAFAASSIGDD

This is what I will call it. 

I'll shorten it to ADDGDD

Which as per me means - Adrenal dysregulation Dopamine General Deficit Disorder 

 

 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 10:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll also call it the Chocolate Disorder because I constantly crave Chocolates(anything related to Chocolate), coffee, anything stimulants. 

This also involves hyper sex cravings. 

 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 10:51 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I went a bit mad today. I felt like hitting myself, some self harm, I wanted to hit myself with a belt. I wanted to feel pain and then be addicted to it. 

I wouldn't calm down. I wanted to disrupt, throw things, break things. There was no reason. I wasn't angry. But I just felt like I was going manic, I wanted to dance like mad in the room and then just drop dead  on the floor. Some adrenaline rush I needed. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also craved sex. Couldn't get that. Then I imagined paragliding. I was high as a kite. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then some music got stuck in my head. Couldn't get that out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally a chocolate drink calmed me down. I went bonkers like a wild tiger, totally insane and wild. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad bad bad bad mad mad mad mad 

 

 

 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 11:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I turned into a horny tood for some time. Lol. 

 

 

On 25/01/2024 at 11:12 PM, Buck Edwards said:

And this is me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 26/01/2024 at 5:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 26/01/2024 at 5:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I mean this strange relationship between ruler and destitute. 

 

 

On 26/01/2024 at 6:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

ADDGDD

The destitute 

The industry 

Creative freedom

 

 

 

On 26/01/2024 at 6:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I also want to delve into Indian Spirituality. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 26/01/2024 at 11:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm gravely ill. It's just what it is. I have nobody to blame but my self. 

 

On 26/01/2024 at 11:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have been throwing up since the last few hours. I don't know what I did that caused that. I have been suicidal too. The pain in my neck is excruciating. Just feel like life is no good when nothing works. 

 

 

On 26/01/2024 at 7:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Finding it hard to see beauty in life. 

 

On 26/01/2024 at 7:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want some stage red in my life. 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 2:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I need to start healing myself. 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 5:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The latest set of events have been a bit scary. 

 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 7:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I can't blame anyone. 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 2:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There are limitations in human life.. I should learn to integrate these limits 

 

 

 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 4:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It's someone's birthday in my neighbors. 

They are screaming. 

 

 

I wanna get laid with you. On a hot Sunday afternoon. I imagined having sex with you. It was passionate. I couldn't let go. Our bodies just rubbing against each other. I was just sleepy after that. I couldn't open my eyes. My eyes were fast shut. And I could faintly see your outline. I was drifting. Some random romantic song was playing in the background. I was dog tired. We shared a hot passionate kiss. I was so tired. It was pure bliss. My heart beats for you. I could barely keep my eyes open. Then we went for round 3 and 4. It lasted so long. Hours. We can't get enough of each other. 

I wish we could have sex everyday. Like that. Just wrapped around each other. I want to marry you and spend every waking minute of my life with you for the rest of my life. 

 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 6:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There is no heart left to break (anymore). 

 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 7:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Forget about body, you even took your heart back. What did I get? 

 

On 27/01/2024 at 8:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Secondary Soul. Pain body. 

Earth 

 

Earth = you have to be wiser. Just don't plan anything. Your strength matters. 

Me = I feel weak, dehydrated and depressed. It's an uphill battle. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 14/09/2023 at 7:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Goebbels was the third of five children of Friedrich Goebbels, a pious Roman Catholic factory clerk, and Katharina Maria Odenhausen. His parents provided him with a high school education and also helped support him during the five years of his undergraduate studies. He was exempted from military service during World War I because of his clubfoot (presumably a result of having contracted polio as a child), which later enabled his enemies to draw a parallel with the cloven hoof and limp of the Devil. This defect played a disastrous role in his life by engendering in Goebbels a strong desire to be compensated for his misfortune.

 

         

 

On 15/09/2023 at 6:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I wanna be here. Amicalola-Falls

 

 

On 16/09/2023 at 8:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

This made my day. 

 

 

On 17/09/2023 at 0:52 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Where should I vent my frustrations? 

Rejection is so hard to deal with. 

You can't please anyone. Sometimes it's just best to let go. 

I develop trust issues. Rejection is rejection and you simply cannot do anything about it. 

There is no harmony in rejection. Home is where the heart is. Your heart will forever revel in restlessness if it's core desires aren't getting fulfilled. It's like chasing the rainbow, it will never belong to you, no matter whatever you do. 

I have been frustrated lately, conflicted and torn. The only thing left is to cope and not allow the hurt to keep wallowing beneath my wings. Even if I chose to live in fantasy, I shouldn't let it take over and still stay grounded to reality. 

This is reality. Deal with it. Cope with it. Let go. Think about filling your cabinet with all the good stuff. Your heart should be on something that keeps your interest. Distance yourself from anything that creates a wound in my heart. Don't try to patch it. Just let go. Distance. Distance. A change of climate perhaps. 

 

On 17/09/2023 at 0:57 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Existential crisis can also be a possibility. Use the pms , don't be lazy duh. Also take pictures of places next time. Use coping strategies. I know. I know. I know. It seems hard. Right now. Life is short. So invest in harmony. I can't figure out a dang thing. But the more I sit trying to figure out things, the worse it's going to get for me. I achieve nothing. I get nothing. One of the few occasions where someone's virtues aren't of great personal help, rather a pain in the ass with their constant overbearing judgemental cynicism. 

 

On 17/09/2023 at 4:43 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 3:00 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 3:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had pledged that I would be a better person everyday. 

Yes??? 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 3:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

In all of this, I've forgotten who I am. 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 3:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I guess the closure is no closure. 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 6:28 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Don't be upset. Don't let go. 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 3:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Don't be around emotionally charging people. The less the better. Be around nobody. 

Just around trees. 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 7:08 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 7:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 18/09/2023 at 7:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Oh I see. I did it because I get nervous when someone follows me. I'm not going to be changing that. Sorry for the inconvenience. 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 7:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Narcissists are always trying to get edge on you. 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 7:34 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Words like boundaries, cutthroat, civil, respect, shame, walls, trivial, insult, humiliation, criticism, discrimination, judgement. 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 8:02 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I need to start watching podcasts that are helpful to my life. 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 3:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

If someone hates me so much, I'm better off dead. 

From today, I'm dead for them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 4:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 4:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 4:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

You just have to expect that one day they stop hating you and things change for the better. 

I'll hope for that day. Then it won't be so bad. 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 4:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Note this - Don't seek anyone's approval because you're always in the habit of doing that. You don't need someone's appreciation to feel your own value. Approval seeking behavior stems from needs not being met early on. Not feeling good within. Always looking for a substitute. 

Look for a substitute even if you have to, then look for a good one. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 20/09/2023 at 4:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

On top of that I have amnesia. 

I think it's a condition of autism. Combined with taking cues and adjusting behavior accordingly. Acting inappropriate. Then looking for approval. Slow or fast talk. Briefing, commands, cue words, clear instructions, flat communication lines are helpful with managing autism as well as managing a situation. 

Impulsive reaction during a situation is common. 

There's delay in processing, understanding and improving on cues and interpretation - action. Takes time to adjust to new cues. 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I've decided to let go of the person I was involved with for some time in the past. I've decided to take a more compassionate approach. Not disturb them anymore. Although I still care about them, I won't bother them anymore. They're sick of me and that's understandable why. My own behavior hasn't been exemplary. I troubled them to the tilt. I was a pain in the ass. I kept gnawing at them. I was disrespectful and did not care. I treated them badly. 

I got on their nerves. Now I'm guilty of hurting them over and over. I'm guilty of my emotions getting the better of me. 

I have decided to give them peace forever. I have decided to not let their thoughts impact me anymore. I have decided to stop ruminating about them. They deserve their space and quiet and peace. 

I have behaved in an absolutely awful manner and caused them pain, unnecessary stress and constant provocation and I accept full responsibility for this. Although it's difficult for me to not love them, it's best to let them have the absolute peace they deserve. 

I should back off. I should not trouble them anymore. Wherever they are, I wish them the best. They will always be important to me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 20/09/2023 at 5:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 7:18 AM, Buck Edwards said:

It's tough out there. No??? 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 7:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

             

 

         

 

      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 7:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have been taking therapy for schizoid disorder. 

   

 

 

 

 

@Sidra khan yep. 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 9:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 9:18 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds. 

Hawaiian baby woodrose grows in Florida, California, and Hawaii. The seeds of Hawaiian baby woodrose contain a chemical called lysergic acid amide. Internet sellers promote this as a "natural LSD", even though these chemicals are not the same.

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 9:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

There is a TEKK where you can mix your morning glory seeds in Sherry wine and no side effects at all. Morning glory seeds are also very loving. 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 9:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Taken from previous notes

 

 

 

From last month (taken from my notes) 

I took 5 hawaiian baby woodrose seeds. Crushed it to powder format. Soaked in lemon juice. And than drank it. Whole. 

 Hawaiian Baby woodrose Seeds, as fresh as possible. 

Light dose. Mini. 

Side Effects I felt - Nausea, crampy, sluggish heart rate 

 

One hour after I drank the concoction, I began to feel nausea. I began to feel stuff after 4 hours. For the first like 2 hours after this, It felt like a more euphoric trip. I really enjoyed the substance so far, and thought I already reached the peak. No visuals. 

In about let's say 6 hours later, I felt tired yet the trip still felt potent. I experienced dissociation from life and stuff. I did feel like I was dying but I quickly dissociated from it. I layed down and just went with it. 

I had thoughts racing through my mind that everything is just stupid. That enlightenment and  my "work" towards it utter nonsense, watching actualized.org videos and starting psychedelics as though not meant for me, me having permanent effect. All the negativity around it.  It's just my mind feeding me negative blah blah. I dozed off. 

I woke up 3 hours later, still tripping considerably. I felt wide awake. I felt more focused. 

Everything was murky. Colorful. Woof woof. I'm not myself anymore. I felt like a human being with a ghost in the brain, told to do stuff. Not free. Free your mind and you'll see. I was meant to live life a certain way. Tired!!!!!!!!! 

Mmmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmmmm mmmm.... 

I felt astral entities. Mmmm. Mmmm.. I began to see patterns on the walls. 

 I CLOSED MY EYES..... DANG!! 

I felt infinite love for all beings. So sweet. Passion flows through. Eat a fruit buck. You don't love yourself. I had to put end to the chatter in my mind because it's nothing. Just human garbage. I felt like I was born again.. Everything was beautiful and amazing. 

 I felt it for 2 days. 50 hours later I returned to normal state/baseline. 

 

 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 10:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Why do I always want everyone's approval? 

And at the same time, I'm schizoid. 

If someone hates me or dislikes me i feel depressed. Like I feel like a piece of crap. 

Why o why. 

And I also don't wanna be around people. 

Why can't I just be me all the time. Why do people have expectations with me and how to deal with that? 

 

On 21/09/2023 at 10:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Is it my fault that I was born schizoid?