My name is Sara

[Buck Edwards]

On 26/10/2024 at 10:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

In the last few days I have been addicted to certain things. 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 10:30 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I try to grab on to things any silly things to feel better. Of course I know that this is a part of my disorder. 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 11:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

List of paranormal activities in situations of a poltergeist haunting —

 

Unexplainable thumps, knocks, thuds, and the sounds of nonexistent furniture moving.

Lights turning on and off by themselves.

Bricks flying at people’s heads out of nowhere when they venture down into the basement.

Dogs barking at unseen objects.

Areas in rooms that are strangely cold.

Fires erupting out of nowhere.

Picture frames turned upside down.

“Extreme smells” such as the odor of burning sulfur.

Objects moving and levitating.

Weirdly shaped and colored orbs appearing in photographs taken at the house.

Stuffed animals—teddy bears, specifically—rearranging themselves in an upstairs bedroom.

 

On 26/10/2024 at 5:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm too exhausted. 

 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 6:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Why should I allow anyone to dictate my sexuality? 

 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 6:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't know how to feel about it. But I hate some specific people. They are not bad people. Maybe I seek their validation. But I'm sure they don't give a fuck about me. I feel bad when these specific people don't give me the validation I want. I think one of them is my family member. 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 6:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe it's those specific people who hate me. It bothers me a bit though. I don't know why. One way to change my thought process is to realize that those specific persons who hate me do so out of judgement. Maybe I judge others too. So why should I care if others judge me? I might be judging someone the way they judge me. It's a hierarchy then. 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 8:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Just liking someone is an idea of attachment. 

My new persona came into effect on Oct 26. 

 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 11:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In my mental landscape I still think a lot sexually. It arouses me. Sometimes I'm filled with guilt and shame. It's a part of my sexual repression.. Sometimes going away from it is better. 

Why do I get so much comfort in the idea of sex? And not the ordinary sex. Usually that involves me being in some sort of control, like chains. 

I wanted a sense of control. There has to be a power imbalance in my relationship. Him snatching it from me. Him stealing it from me. Him freaking me out. Him dragging it from me. But not begging for my love. I imagined being tied up in my dreams. Taboo sex. Then him liberating me. 

I remember something echoing in my spirit. Like he said in the dream to me - "well I don't feel left out." 

And it tugged at me. Did he simply want to conquer me? His masculine instinct rising up again and competing with me fiercely as he gains control of me, my body. 

Next day I feel lifeless. Into the vastness outside my window, I see nothing. Just thinking. Why attraction feels like love? 

Why can't it be normal? Why does it have to be so draining? Why did it suck the life out of me? Then he is gone and I'm alone. All alone. 

For a moment it was empowering. Like he made me desire him. Then it was taken away. 

This feeling that I desire him. The feeling that I cling to. This romantic desire arising like a passionate trembling fire in me, this passion that keeps flowing through my veins, wanting him to do that over and over to me. Endlessly. Till there is no life in me. This mad desire. The ecstasy. Him holding me one minute, abandoning me the next like I'm some rough caracas. He drew a line around my pussy with his penis and marked his territory. He wanted me bad. I was his muse. I'm his muse. That's what I desire to be. 

 

On 26/10/2024 at 11:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Says goodnight to myself. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 2:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Even if people got everything out of you, they won't get anything. There will be lies, rumors, gossip, attacks, all that. But you don't have to care. Just move on. You are steady. Sometimes my own paranoia gets the better of me. Sometimes I just wish to be left alone. You are safe now. You are safe now. You are safe. No one will bother you. You'll be okay. At least in real life you are okay. And...... I didn't want to separate myself from an illusory life. Somehow. I don't like it there. I feel watched all the time. This feels like home. Maybe I found my home. Don't cry about it. Its okay. Everything will be okay. They can't hold anything against you. They don't have anything against you anymore. Everything has disappeared. Nor will anyone ever have that power to destroy you. You have a firm grip now. The threats are all gone. You should celebrate whatever time you have. Instead of wasting it in anxiety. Maybe it will be short lived for various reasons. Still. No matter how short lived, enjoy loving your second home. Some witches will complain about you. Somehow. In some way.. But you don't have to care. Because the final thing is imperative, it's the final thing. So their complaining will fall on deaf ears and you will be free forever. The final thing is that you're protected. I know this matters a lot to you. It hurts you. Silence is your best defense this time, because you are completely innocent. Remember the final thing is imperative. The final choice matters and not the sound of constant complaining. So reassure yourself. Cut contact. Change your code and mannerism. Become a new you now. The final you. The you you always wanted. Just block all noise. Yes people judged you and it impacted you. I feel like holding a strong grudge against them. You have to forgive them. Let go the grudge. They do not understand what you went through and even if they did, they will still keep hopelessly judging you through their narrow inner lense. So forgive them. Grow a bigger heart. I know with trauma it's kinda hard. Every little thing begins to hurt. But it's not like that. Just forgive. Their lack of empathy. They can't grasp what you are going through. Maybe if they did they would have had great compassion for you. They can't. Because they aren't lucky enough to suffer as much as you did 

Now you need to put an end to this train of anxiety. Just walk straight. Ignore everything. Focus solely on what you want. Get what you want. Be serious. Don't let this opportunity fly. Get a grip. Keep looking ahead and just focus entirely on your own growth. A spectacular growth. A spectacular vision. This was finally and fortunately the last of the enemies. Now you are free. So keep growing wonderfully. You have already grown so much. Still another long journey awaits. Don't pay attention to naysayers. You found yourself. You are brave. You worked for a whole year. You did well. God listens. God hears. Humans aren't greater than Gods. Justice will be done. Peace will come. It wasn't your fault. So don't guilt yourself. Follow a straight line. Work hard again. I know it's hard to do it. But the fruits will come. Just have a single minded focus.. Slowly you'll pick up speed. And you'll keep going. And one day you will look back at yourself and you will shine again. This will only happen in solitude. When you are free of distractions and negativity. You will rediscover that which you always had and always wanted. Work on it from tomorrow. Create your own reality. Forget the BS. Your own strength will pull you through. Think about pulling yourself out everytime someone is pulling you back.. Ignore the put down. Ignore the negativity. Ignore the judgement and ignore the hate and ignore the rejection and alienation. 

Keep going at the speed at which you are going. 

That day you'll simply look back and you'll feel at peace and fulfillment and a strange tranquility will stare at you. You will wipe your face with a towel. You will reward your hard work. You will take a cup of coffee and put your past behind you. You will look at the waves and then you will know that you are the strongest. You survived. 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 2:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

And not just survived, you thrived. Your own evolution was important to recognize and sharpen your strengths. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had poor sleep. This is the end of the road for me. Enough of it. I don't know how I felt. But I felt a sense of terror. I didn't feel good when I woke up. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Waking up in the morning and feeling like shit is a bad way to start a day. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 9:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

I won in Tokyo again. This is my best place. I have 4 Tokyo rings in the game by now. 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 11:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 11:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

This is so pleasant and I have a husband who is exactly like this. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 27/10/2024 at 11:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

True again. 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 11:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I always felt like I met people who never understood me truly. They stereotyped me, cocooned me, Jailed me in their mental prisons. Some people were disappointed in me, people I can never impress no matter how hard I tried, not that trying to impress anyone ever makes any sense to begin with. When we don't get the love we want, we find coping mechanisms, don't we? Some people got upset at me because I didn't give them myself completely, they could not realize my failures, they judged my harshness as a betrayal of trust, some people lamented at me, some people were desperate to grab me, I met all kinds of people from time to time, some disappointed and look at me with contempt and disdain because they don't want to favor me, some people mad at me because I don't wish to favor them. On both ends I became a victim of their opinions, whether I liked it or not. Nobody truly cared for what I felt, how I felt, what I wanted, how I wanted. It's like my autonomy did not matter. Someone's lack of approval hurt me. My coldness hurt others. On both sides there was misunderstanding. Misunderstanding that I never got a chance to resolve. Because both parties don't want to hear. The first ones think that I can never deserve better, the second ones dispute that all my reasoning are just weird excuses to my true nature. The first ones, I cannot impress, the second ones I cannot convince. The first ones, whose love I'll never receive, the second ones whose love will never matter. 

In all of this mental conflicts of human needs and judgements, I try to find my place.. Where am l?   I'm in the middle being dragged on both sides, side to side. I don't know what to conform to. I get blamed on both sides, though no fault of my own. One side I'll always fail to impress and the other that always fail to empathize me. It's hard and harsh living sandwiched between the two. 

My soul craves liberation. My soul is a bird. I don't wish to be trapped. I want to feel free. I want to feel loved. I don't want to feel rejected. I don't want to feel controlled and owned. 

With one I crave love and acceptance. With the other I crave freedom and space. 

My femininity sadly never understood and obscured into darkness. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 0:06 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A person's coping mechanism can be literally anything. It can be feeling like they have solutions to everything. It can be their avoidant behavior. It can be their dismissive attitude. Or it can be their "I know better than anyone." 

It's fundamentally a cope. The preaching cope. They still feel superior realizing that they have identified the problem correctly and also retired the problem with a solution. Simple as that. For them problems appear far too simple. And if you appear to be complicating it, then you are drama. They look at everything and everyone from a strictly logical lense. It's the density of their brain and not your mistake that they project their circumventing on to you. They fail to grasp that emotions can go much deeper or that someone is even rarely capable of feeling such emotions. It's out of their mental circuit. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 0:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What I'm doing right now is not greatly better than a cope either. 

Such people usually cling onto someone to worship usually a non threatening feminine figure. They want a super polite female who feels like music to their ears. They use dismissal and disdain as a way to reject their own shadow, a part of themselves they don't want to confront because it's too challenging to confront that. It's too challenging to hold someone with love or to show love to someone they have been holding with contempt and prejudice. Anything you do or don't, they see it with contempt and dismissal.. Because this is the only way they can reject rejection, or rather cope with it. It's a deep fear of narcissistic injury. A deep fear that they might regret something so they have to go the extra mile to prevent the presumptive injury. They want to cope with rejection, a rejection that their own mind invented, a rejection that simply doesn't exist and never existed. But they have to be extra protective of their ego, hence the dismissal. They will never be able to love something they just can't, and they won't feel the need to justify it. Instead, clinging on to that feminine figure for life and admiring, praising and worshipping it feels like a better coping option. It also secretly is a divisive tactic. The way a narcissistic parent coddles the golden child and dismisses the other one as a failure. Because they don't want to feel like a failure themselves. It's praising one female and putting down another, pitting one female against another, it's one of those juvenile things where a girl tries to make a guy  jealous by praising another guy in front of him, flirting with him on purpose so that he feels bad about himself. It's a careful well calibrated manipulation that is not detected at the surface. But what you feel is what you feel and the damage is already done, especially when you as a guy begin to internalize it. Funny enough, how these things come up in real life in different patterns, one varying from another, but all and each one of them rooted in the same flavor. Always appearing. Since the ego likes to appear. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 0:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It takes time to process my feelings. But I did a good job at it this time. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 0:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I said this yesterday. Just yesterday. I can't believe it. And today is October 27. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 1:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So today is a very productive day. I processed some stuff that had been bothering me some time. 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Timeline of past few days. 

Second discussion with therapist occurred on October 5th. 

October 7, 2024 was a really really bad day for me. I was extremely anxious and I couldn't sleep that day and I also know why. It was exhausting that day. 

 

I have no clue what I did on October 10th. 

Was I trying to pay bills? Was I sick? There's no specific entry.

October 11th entry says that I canceled my therapist appointment. I wanted to see some progress. 

 

By October 11, I knew I had a powerful grip. 

 

I ran into a huge debate on October 13th but I felt better.

 

October 14th was just a waste of time. I had nightmares and I felt anxious throughout the day.. Maybe I was desperately waiting for the new Halloween event in the game. It started on October 16th probably. 

 

 

October 15th, my husband went on a hiking trip. Took pictures. Shared them here. 

 

 

October 15th was also a very depressing day for me. Because I had taken an important decision that day early in the morning. I was very fed up, tired and frustrated. (you already know that girl). 

October 16th - the game event began and I was super excited. This is something I had been waiting for for months. I quickly finished my goals that day. 

 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Timeline continued. 

October 16, 17, 18 and 19th were spent in playing the event compulsively as it was the most important event of the game. Only happens once a year during Halloween. Like 15 days before Halloween. I was upset because the cue I won wasn't what I was exactly expecting but nevertheless the cue was okayish. 

 

I don't remember how I spent October 20. Maybe I was too exhausted from playing the game. I had also lost 40 million coins in the game overnight and gained 20 million. So maybe I was a bit upset about the loss during this time. Also during this time I was ignoring some mean comments and hoping things would get better. October 20 was a Sunday. Sunday is always a fun day. So I spent it eating and enjoying myself. I thought I needed to collect a few movies or make a playlist of movies for upcoming Halloween. So I guess I watched some horror movie that day. But I don't exactly remember. 

 

Wait a minute, uuuuuh! 

 

October 20 was a Sunday. But as per my journal records, I treated October 21 as a Sunday, being clueless about it. 

 

But.... October 21 was a Monday. Girl be good at tallying the calendar please. Don't mess up days. 

Anyway. 

I treated October 21 as a Sunday.

It was A Monday though. 

 

 

October 21. Monday. I watched a ton of movies throughout the day. The movies strangely did not impact my nightmares in any way. For the entire month of October, I struggled a lot with nightmares on an almost regular basis. I also started a thread on the Off topic culture  section about a list of horror movies for Halloween. 

In my mind I really wanted to celebrate Halloween for the first time. I never remember celebrating anything as a child because my parents would constantly fight, there was nothing to celebrate.. So I thought this year was a great chance to have the time of my life to celebrate both Diwali and Halloween. As also because Diwali is right on the day of Halloween so it was a double celebration for me and the first time I would be celebrating Halloween with my husband. So it was exciting and I didn't want to miss out on it. 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Timeline continued. 

October 22. Tuesday. 

I had nightmares and I saw my ex mocking me. 

 

I learned that my family had assigned me a new therapist. My last therapy session was somewhere on October 5. So many days had passed. My conversation with Leo also happened on October 4/5. 

 

My new therapist name is Simon. My previous therapist was Steven. 

 

 

October 23. Wednesday. 

This is my journal entry on Wednesday. 

I was binge watching horror movies. It's Halloween week and I really want to enjoy this entire week. 

These horror movies are low budget but nice, better than Netflix. 

I also got a bottle of coke. I went outside I felt good. 

After watching these movies, the lesson I learned is life is too busy, life is too good when you have your family with you, no matter how bad your family can be but other people out there are extremely hostile and toxic. It's better to spend time with family. 

Now I seek comfort within Myself. I still have that itch to think too much about others. 

 

 

October 24. Thursday. 

I think I wasn't feeling great on this day. Just backache. Ya know. My family decided it was therapy day for me. So I guess I had a session with Simon that evening of October 24 which was a Thursday. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:26 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Timeline continued.. 

October 25. Friday. 

 

This was my entry. 

Victory is always mine.  

 

I was a bit annoyed this day. I was feeling off and anxious. I had been binge watching horror movies all through the week. I was exhausted from my therapy session the day before. 

 

October 26. Saturday. 

 

This is my journal entry on Saturday. 

I was moody and grumpy. I had backache. 

 

I slept well but I woke up from a dream and in the dream I was looking for my scorecard and grades. My exams were over and it was time for results. There was a big digital board and everyone was able to see their scores except me. I couldn't find mine. My family kept searching too. Finally I remember my examination ID number which was a 4 digit number and I inserted that number and my score appeared. 

 

Nothing spectacular happened. I mostly avoided talking to anyone. I wasn't in great spirits. Dampened mood. Saturday was the worst moodwise. 

 

I didn't find a good Halloween movie to watch. I binged on junk food, chips, coke and cake. 

 

October 26. Saturday. 

I also felt a bit more comfortable with my own sexuality. I thought to be more open about it. But I felt shut down immediately. Guess what?? I felt like others don't have the right to judge someone's sexuality. But I had a rude Awakening. Lol. Forget it. It happens. Shit happens. No chance. Even if it's western society lol. 

I thought I had become a new persona. A more sexually confident persona, I don't know. 

But I still feel like a new persona. 

 

October 27. Sunday.

I finally figure out my new persona. I don't want to be sandwiched between wanting and wanted. I want to feel free. I did some major psychoanalysis on myself and why some people hated me. Specific persons in my life, mostly in the past, exes and all. Then realized that no matter the hate, I don't need to internalize their judgement. It's okay how they feel about me. Let people feel what they feel and I shouldn't have the need to impress them. Back to Original self. 

 

This new psychoanalytic approach helped me more than any therapist who I pay a lot of money to. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 8:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In a complete rich analysis of all the days gone by (in this month), I think I spent some time on the forum. Significant portion. The last 15 days of September, I was active. But not thoroughly engaged. I have listed the reasons previously. 

 

I don't know the heck I was doing in the first 15 days of October, probably just miserable and impatiently waiting for the event. 

 Throughout October I was active on the forum. 

That is enough. 

Now I need to take some time off and focus forward. 

 

Sometimes I feel guilty when I don't talk to people. October was a clean up month. Got rid of whatever toxicity I didn't need to have around me.  

 

On 27/10/2024 at 10:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

(heart emoji) 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 10:43 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to reward myself with crystal tokens. The event will last another one week. 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 11:08 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So true 

 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 11:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This can be a great closing quote for my day. 

This is how I feel. 

 

 

On 28/10/2024 at 0:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm very happy today. 

 

On 27/10/2024 at 0:26 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Dear Sara

It's all a psychological rot in the end. Why do you care so much? Why take offense? 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 28/10/2024 at 7:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up today. October 28, 2024. Monday. 

I don't think I slept well. I'm still a bit grumpy. I had a nightmare in which a man was luring lots of women to their death. He had a wife and he was cheating on her with this other beautiful girl. My sister was in the dream suggesting me they can't be married as they are flirting strangely. It was wicked. There were mean girls fighting in a local dormitory. The whole atmosphere was so chaotic. 

This guy was bragging about how good he was at pulling women. He was doing all kinds of mental gymnastics. 

Me and my sister were trying to talk to each other and he was interrupting trying to hear our conversations and then he suggested we use a special earphone kind of device and that it's completely safe and nobody would hear anything. 

End of weird dream. 

 

On 28/10/2024 at 7:55 AM, Buck Edwards said:

October 28, Monday. 

 

 

On 28/10/2024 at 10:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Let's see what happens today. 

 

On 28/10/2024 at 11:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Diwali Calendar. 

 

 

Tomorrow is Dhanteras.

Diwali begins tomorrow. But Main day is October 31st. 

 

 

On 28/10/2024 at 6:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So I brought a lot of stuff today. Lots of lights, diyas, lamps to celebrate tomorrow.

 

On 28/10/2024 at 7:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to forget past traumas. When my husband sleeps I want to give him his space and let him deal with his emotions. 

 

On 28/10/2024 at 10:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel very peaceful when I see Leo's picture. 

 

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 7:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have a stomach upset now. Last night I threw up twice. Don't know what happened. 

I drank lots of water. 

And then I had terrible nightmares. 

In one of the bad dreams I was sexually assaulted by a guy on public transport. It was humiliating, excruciating, degrading and messed up. I called him out on it publicly and he denied and mocked me and nobody on there believed me. Everyone mocked me. 

Truly terrifying experience. 

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 7:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I threw up a lot yesterday. My body heated up a lot yesterday. I almost had like a heat fever. This is October 29. Today is Diwali. I get a bit stressed out on festivals. 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 8:02 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I just want to fall asleep and not think about anything. 

Life is great when there are no worries. 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 8:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to lie in a swimming pool. 

Just soak in the water and relax. And not worry about anything at all. Just cool down my body. My body is still very hot. 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 3:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So I took a 7 hour break and I'm feeling much better. Recovering slowly. I lay down in a tub of water for 3 hours to cool myself.

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 6:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

We all want love, security,safety. 

I have strong needs for love from the masculine. 

 

Maybe being addicted to drugs could be a sign of a huge cope. One can be paranoid of human company.

I have done wrong things too.

I wish I had a strong loving mother. I never had. When children don't get love,they grow anxious. 

Sometimes I cry because it's so hard. Especially when nobody understands you. 

Women want a strong masculine figure in their lives. I understand now why. Maybe they miss their mothers. Maybe they want the boyfriend or husband to give them the love they wanted from their moms.

What happens when you live in a community where nobody cares about your safety. It can be so hard and lonely. 

In women, I always searched for a mommy figure. 

Being adult is not enough. You still have child like needs. 

Acceptance. Surrender. Let go. 

Let go of the need for human company. Maybe this is also a cope. 

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 6:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Physical weakness. Anxiety. These are human issues. Human emotions. 

Sometimes I like people who are harsh and rough. I wonder how they remain so strong. 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 6:55 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Why do I seek validation so much? 

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 6:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Women are emotionally sensitive. They can be manipulated easily. 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 7:12 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The one thing that helps me a lot is gratefulness. Just being grateful that I'm alive. 

I do experience deprivation emotional deprivation from time to time. 

Since my husband came to my side, I have been feeling much better. 

 

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 8:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I still battle feelings about my ex. The rejection and Abandonment hurts me still. 

 

Why was I rejected? 

Maybe I was super needy with him. Just like I hate neediness in people. He must have hated my own neediness. 

I love how people are so quick to judge others. 

 

 

On 29/10/2024 at 8:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wanted to celebrate today but I suffered very badly after throwing up. My intestines are still hurting. I cannot even move my body. 

 

On 30/10/2024 at 6:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

It's early in the morning and I woke up with no nightmares. So that's good news for today. Yay. 

 

On 30/10/2024 at 6:49 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband is still asleep. And I woke up early. I have to plan this day to have the best of the festivities. 

 

On 30/10/2024 at 1:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wanna do this to my husband.

 

 

On 30/10/2024 at 1:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Some posts on this forum are so disgusting, I can't read them. 

 

On 31/10/2024 at 8:13 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up early in the morning. But still had nightmares. It wasn't that bad though. 

 

On 31/10/2024 at 5:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have a session with my therapist Simon in two hours. Feels nervous. 

It's Halloween on top. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 01/11/2024 at 8:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The session went well. 

 

On 01/11/2024 at 9:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Well I guess that's life. Life is just lost into something whether we like it or not. 

 

On 01/11/2024 at 2:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My mother is a compulsive talker and that upsets me a lot. 

 

On 01/11/2024 at 5:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So I woke up from a nightmare. 

Contents of the nightmare - I'm taking care of a lot of luggage. Lots of bags and boxes that I'm shuffling. Some contain valuable stuff. I am arguing with my mom. She has lost some of my stuff at her short hospital stay. I can see something in the sky. It's hovering like a large object. I have this sudden fear that it will fall on me. I am rushing somewhere. Along with my luggage I have three cats that are messing with it. I am scared that I will lose my cats and I want someone to watch over them. I have to cross the road. The middle crossing section of the road is empty. I can probably take my travel trolley and move some luggage to the middle section for security. So it won't be damaged. I'm trying but I seem to be running out of time. I want to cone to that middle section. Large trucks and huge vehicles are passing by. I'm just trying to breathe and relax because it's a boatload of luggage that I need to be moving quite quickly which seems like a quick ordeal to me. 

 

Dream interpretation - I think I have a lot of emotional baggage in life to sort through. 

 

 

On 01/11/2024 at 8:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My Diwali celebrations 

 

 

 

On 01/11/2024 at 9:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My journal is my safe corner away from my family. This is where I don't feel judged. This is where I feel safe and heard. And also a bit more comfortable. Like a retreat. A place where I retire my emotions. I also develop an intimate relationship to my own journal. I know it sounds like a cope but I like it this way. My family is a big distraction to me but I'm still grateful to them for tolerating a person like me. I guess. I should be grateful that I'm not in jail or a mental institution or facility or trapped in a hospital. There are so many people in America who don't have a decent life and are trapped in jails. Sometimes even being innocent. I have a roof over my head and I can keep myself safe under a blanket. That's enough of a good life already. 

At least I am not a criminal on American TV. I might not have the best life that so called people (fashionable) on Instagram who have a perfect life get to flaunt that super uber duper perfect life. I'm not like them and I get it that I will never be like them and I can never become like them but that's okay too. At least I am not suffering in the worst manner possible. So I should at least satisfy myself with that. It doesn't matter in the end. We all die.. We are all not perfect. We are born with flaws. We cherish life even if it's unfair to us. We should just make the best of what we are given. 

Well the good thing for me to remember is that I am not a fucking criminal on American TV. And that's my satisfaction. 

 

On 01/11/2024 at 9:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There are fireworks outside my house and I have tears of joy in my eyes and I'm feeling blessed.

 

On 01/11/2024 at 10:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This is November 1. There are fireworks outside my building right now. Yay. 

I can hear them. Can't see them because of the high rise apartments blocking the view. But I heard them. It's fun. 

 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 8:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Did not wake up early and still had nightmares. 

Content of the nightmares - I'm in a chemistry class and all the females in the class are being hostile to me. I'm only pointing out the truth in the place and the policies that I don't agree with. Then a huge fat intimidating female approaches me and lectures me about something and tells me off. None of them allow me to work with them. They get overly defensive and dismissive of my presence. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel terrible. 

And then I'm in a different place. Like a dorm. It's like a huge hall and I'm trying to collect my items. I'm trying to keep things in their places. Yet a lot of people from the chemistry class are trying to disrupt the place. There is commotion. I am constantly arguing with them. 

Dream interpretation -  i have a fear of being an outcast. Fear of fights, chaos and arguments. Fear of hostility. 

 

 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 8:51 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I can now see an emotional pattern emerging in my nightmares and this ties with my childhood trauma. 

I have a deep fear of Abandonment, anxiety, feeling neglected, outcast, isolated, dumped, lack of acceptance and validation, betrayal of trust, brokenness, negligence, void, fear of chaos, authority, arguments, conflict, fights, hostility, fear of judgement, policing, cold shoulder treatment, feeling of being unaccomodated, distrust, mistrust, fear of being policed, fear of being watched, stalked or invaded on, rejection sensitivity, inability to cope with tension, repression around sex, multiple Phobias, excessive need for validation, excessive apprehension around people, fear of missing out on, insecurity about my present and future, desperation to fit into social structure, inability to cope with social pressure, wanting to be attached but fearing such attachment, excessive vulnerability around judgement, validation, social acceptance, rejection. 

 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 9:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't want to look beautiful anymore. And that's a huge liberating experience. 

 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 9:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe I also secretly pursue perfectionism. 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 9:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe I should stop hiring old aged therapists. They can't connect with my young person problems. They are out of loop. They treat me like a kid. There is a huge age gap between me and my therapist. They are from another era of sorts. They didn't have internet in their times. My life revolves around the internet. This is modern life. They don't understand it. They don't understand that people make friends online. They don't understand social media because they never use it themselves. So it's annoying that they can't relate to my issues and problems. I have to keep repeating myself to be taken seriously. Like they don't understand my internet addiction. What's the point of such therapists who can't relate to what's being told to them? 

I should look for young therapists who understand the struggles of modern life and who are more relatable to me and who don't treat me like a kid.. 

 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 11:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What i lack is social confidence and social tact and that's obvious. 

 

 

On 02/11/2024 at 11:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My family voted for Kamala Harris a few days ago and it's pretty big given they are also voting for the first time. 

 

 

On 03/11/2024 at 9:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up from a nightmare and felt uneasy. 

Contents of the nightmare - I visit Actualized org after a long time and it has completely changed. It has turned into a merchandise website. It is selling kitchen items and sports memorabilia. People discussing and playing video games on the site too. My mom bought a ready made popcorn maker from the site. I ask my mom - "seriously. You got that. That's not that great." I get upset that she did that. I'm also upset that the website turned into a video game. I was also offered a teaching job by two ladies of the website and I decline the offer. 

Interpretation - I think that I'm looking for a sense of security and things are changing fast which I'm not appreciating. I don't have a good relationship with my mom which is often reflected in my dreams and nightmares. I declined a job offer in the dream which means I don't agree with something or some lifestyle which I don't want. I'm seriously in disagreement with the world. 

 

On 03/11/2024 at 9:34 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I would love to play this game with my husband. It's such a fun family game. 

 

 

On 03/11/2024 at 9:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about myself and my journey through life. 

One lesson I told myself was to not internalize things I hear and or see. It's mostly our own thoughts that impact us. 

Another aspect that impacts me hugely is being shamed. I mean it impacts everyone right but it impacts me rather disproportionately. 

So along with the multiple fears I stated earlier I also fear being shamed a lot. 

 

 

 

On 03/11/2024 at 10:02 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I switched my therapist once again 

 

My first therapist was Steven. He was too old and did not understand my needs and situation. He was just babbling his own philosophy. It sucks that we can't try them first. We already have to pay and find out later it's not a good fit. The next therapist was Simon. He was only slightly better than the first but he began treating me like a child and not taking my symptoms seriously. He went on to say how everything is labeled as a disorder these days. But I have serious and severe mental issues and I suffer a lot. I'm stuck in a rut. So for a therapist who claims 18 years of experience, it felt a bit odd for him to say that everything is a disorder when I'm genuinely suffering from disorders. I mean I don't want to hear that from a therapist who is trying to normalize everything, the job gets easier for him then, he has to treat nothing. I mean it's not even about treatment, what exactly is he gonna do than just talk like a friend. I have friends for that, I don't need a therapist for a casual chat. 

I switched to a younger therapist whose name is Chris. He has 3 years of experience so I will see how that goes. I found it hard to get an IFS therapist. 

 

On 03/11/2024 at 10:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today I went for an early morning walk and spotted a cat. It took one look at me and ran away. Bad luck. Catty be mine! 

I clicked a picture of the cat. Cute one. 

 

On 03/11/2024 at 10:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today is Sunday. Sunday is a fun day. 

November 3, 2024. 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 8:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday was a real fun day. 

 

Today.... Woke up early but don't remember the contents of the nightmares. 

 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 9:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Goes for a morning walk. 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 4:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Today. 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 6:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Today I won a lot in the game. But sometimes I'm tired of playing it. 

 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 6:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How to stay away from people? 

I just don't know. I inevitably get sandwiched into people even when I don't like it. It's a painful situation to be in.. I will have to actively seek ways to be away from people as I can see that people's presence in my life is causing some real harm to my mental state. 

I feel like running away to the hills or some meditation retreat or travel to a very very remote place like a log cabin and just forget myself in nature. Not have to worry about how I present myself to people anymore. It's getting tiring. 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 6:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have taken a firm decision that I'll stay away from people for the next few years of my life. I can't take it anymore. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 04/11/2024 at 7:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How to tune out people from your life? 

 

• First you have to be quite fortunate to achieve this, if you are stuck in a job around miserable people, that is hard luck. 
• Be closer to nature 
• Be more involved in art 
• Be around "salt of the earth" kind of people 
• Invoke the idea of "perfect love" 
• Listen to calming music and meditate 
• Have a gratefulness journal or do gratitude exercise 
• Stay close to animals and pets
• Read books 
• Read articles 
• Read news articles websites like New York Times to keep up with the latest stuff 
• Watch horror movies and comedy movies 
• Nurture your inner child
• Understand that every person has intrinsic value 
• Do shadow work and understand that you don't have to internalize people's opinions and egos. 
• Don't crave validation of any kind 
• Stay away from stage orange culture 
• Play video games 
• Cut off "competitive people" from your mind mentally. 

 

 

On 04/11/2024 at 7:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

These are just cursory ways to stay away from people. With time I will find better and deeper ways to avoid and stay away from people. Hopefully. 

 

 

On 05/11/2024 at 8:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up super early today. 

 

 

On 05/11/2024 at 11:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm a bit nervous. It's Election day. 

 

On 05/11/2024 at 0:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Today is also therapy day. 

 

On 06/11/2024 at 8:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Trump can win. So sad. 

 

 

On 06/11/2024 at 11:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 06/11/2024 at 11:49 AM, Buck Edwards said:

November 6 Wednesday 

What are my thoughts these days? I need to think seriously. I need to focus on my life. I need to fix things. My life this year has been quite monotonous. First I need to make a list of everything I like. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 06/11/2024 at 1:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

A bit upset about Donald Trump's victory. But that's just everyday stuff. World will always move on. I'm looking for some kind of closure. Some sort of satisfaction. 

How would my life change if I had everything? I think my life would still suck. I don't like quiet afternoons. Something dark about it. Just lazy quiet afternoons.  Back to my childhood days that I don't wish to remember. I had witnessed 3 terrorist attacks in my life. Even as a child. 

The afternoon brings the feeling of "life will always be the same." Nothing will change. The poor streets. Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I hate it. Who has ever liked poverty? How can anyone like poverty? I grew up in massive poverty? It wasn't fun.. People always clashing and fighting. A bad neighborhood. I remember the stores and shops I visited as a child. What's there to admire about poor streets? 

The same old bus rides and tuk tuk vehicles. We had our private family vehicle. My dad used to take me to the same place. Everything was always the same. Is there any beauty in boredom? 

 

 

 

On 06/11/2024 at 1:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My life sucks because I probably do not have the maturity or satisfaction I'm really looking for. I hate travel and airplanes. Every time I'm at an airport I get this sinking feeling and homesickness rapidly kicks in. 

Maybe I'm hyper 

Forget the elections. Don't think too much about it. It's depressing I know. 

Make a list of goals. 

Make a list of what you really like. 

Make a list of what triggers and bothers you.

Also make a list of what makes you feel insecure and things you need a closure on. 

When you are surrounded by beauty, understanding, acceptance, and resonance, can you be impacted by anything at all? Whatever is not beauty reject it. Cut it off and throw it out of your life.. Your life is meant to be beautiful Girl.

When you are closer and closer and closer to God, you'll begin to feel the resonance. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 07/11/2024 at 5:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm just mostly in my own world. 

 

On 07/11/2024 at 5:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Why can't my life purpose be exploring beauty, magnificence and intelligence. 

Why can't I just be an observer? 

 

On 07/11/2024 at 5:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Why can't my life purpose be exploring love and peace? 

 

On 07/11/2024 at 7:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A few exercises. 

Visualization technique 

Writing 10 beautiful lines. 

Love of Krishna. 

Honesty 

Negative Visualization 

Self Deprecation

Exploring success.

 

 

On 08/11/2024 at 8:28 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband told me this and it's the best thing - 

The only solution I have found to this is doing my best every day and slowly calibrating my focus back to myself and being proud of my work.

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 09/11/2024 at 7:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up early. Yesterday was my sister's birthday so I spent a lot of time talking to her. 

 

On 09/11/2024 at 11:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

How did I make my morning wonderful today?

I went out for a walk on grass and stayed there for an hour. 

 

On 09/11/2024 at 6:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Is life only eating and sleeping and working? 

Where's the beauty? 

I think we all crave for something. 

I think humans look for 3 core things 

• Beauty
• Satisfaction or fulfillment 
• Growth

 

 

On 09/11/2024 at 8:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 10/11/2024 at 6:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up early but with nightmares. 

 

On 10/11/2024 at 10:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Is it necessary that I must be beautiful. 

 

 

On 10/11/2024 at 11:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Lunch for today. 

Rice, veggies, a whole salmon and orange juice. 

 

On 10/11/2024 at 6:51 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It's not necessary. Just be free. 

 

On 10/11/2024 at 7:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

As time goes by, it makes more sense to just focus on myself. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 7:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up, not so early. But still had nightmares. 

I don't remember the content. But it had something to do with a girl extracting information from families and using it to promote her business but she is a good painter, inspiring me to paint. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 8:43 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Life depends on how much we put into it. Remember to surround yourself with people who uplift you and don't bring negativity into your life. 

What did I do today to make my mornings bright and beautiful? 

I should start my mornings by listening to calming joyful happy music. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 10:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Video of my husband successfully petting a cat. Second time. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 11/11/2024 at 10:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband exercising. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 11/11/2024 at 10:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Video of my husband unsuccessfully petting a cat on first attempt. Lmao.. 

 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 10:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Video of my husband's second attempt to unsuccessfully petting a cat. 

 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 10:45 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband's grandma made these wonderful cookies for Christmas. 

 

 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 10:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

A piece of cake. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 10:59 AM, Marcel said:

@Buck Edwards

I just misheard myself in the first video of the trolley patting attempt.

Instead of „he meowed“ I understood „he moaned“ My god. I knew it was wrong the second I heard it and burst out laughing 😂 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 1:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm not going to look at the society section anymore with the constant put downs. It's disheartening. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 2:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Cooks spaghetti noodles for my husband. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 3:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Sometimes I get upset thinking about the future. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 4:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Even if life is not good, a better life can be visualized.

 

On 11/11/2024 at 5:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

God bless Americans. 

 

On 11/11/2024 at 7:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I got the things I wanted today. 

 

On 12/11/2024 at 9:00 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up but didn't feel good. 

 

On 12/11/2024 at 9:24 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hopefully today is going to be a good day. Hopefully. 

 

 

On 12/11/2024 at 5:55 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Today was a great day. 

 

On 12/11/2024 at 8:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It's okay. Don't feel bad. Don't be upset. It's hard to not feel triggered. It's not my fault 

If someone says something mean to me, I feel extremely triggered and emotionally exhausted.. 

 

On 12/11/2024 at 10:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Rats leave the ship only when the ship is about to sink.. 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 8:28 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today I woke up early but not feeling refreshed. 

I was emotional and exhausted last night. 

But the tension is over thank God. 

The drama is out of my way. 

At least temporarily. 

 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 8:42 AM, Buck Edwards said:

How is the salt? 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 10:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

This is so beautiful. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 13/11/2024 at 2:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Doses of happiness. 

We live. We do the best that we can. And we look for happiness. We create families. Life is so complex. And both beautiful and ugly at the same time. 

I have decided to start a new exercise which I'll call doses of happiness. Just visualizations where I feel extremely happy and elated and note anything that makes me happy. 

 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 3:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wanted a life of meaning, love and purpose. I didn't want this life nor this family. I wanted a compassionate life, not a hard life that is rewarded for being hard. A life of substance, a life of spiritual growth. A life of deeper meaning and mystic, not just in name but also in manifestation and embodiment.

 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 3:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My life is reductionist. It's been reduced to sleeping, eating, brushing, working and going back to sleep. I don't like that. I feel bored. I want more in terms of spirituality. 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 3:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What can be considered spiritual? 

An intention 

A pure heart 

A generous spirit

A compassionate attitude 

An understanding of the universe 

A beautiful guidance 

A joyful manifestation 

A wise thought 

A loving consideration

A kind gesture 

A bond of trust 

A loyal bond 

A peaceful surrender 

A pure existence 

A beautiful togetherness 

A frank honesty 

A resonance and harmony 

 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 3:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Resonance, harmony and alignment are important words. 

 

On 13/11/2024 at 7:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I ate the healthiest lunch today. Fish gravy and rice. Salmon gravy and rice. 

 

On 14/11/2024 at 4:51 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up early but I had a serious nightmare. Maybe it means something. 

So in this terrible dream I was failing a test. The test was a complicated test based on drama, prose and poetry. There were tons of paper sheets.. I asked my sister for help but she was indifferent. There were multiple stairs and it was physically tiring to climb up the stairs to reach a person who was supervising the tests. All test resources were with him. When I went downstairs to take the test, no one would help me. I was completely confused on how to filll up the test forms. A girl sitting next to me was cooperative in the beginning but after a while she stopped talking and every time I asked her about the test, she was looking elsewhere and wouldn't reply. So the guy tells me to speak to the supervisor upstairs. This is really stressful to me as time of the test is running out and I have barely filled one sheet at all, rest of the answer sheets are blank. I run upstairs again and speak to the supervisor who tells me that there is a test manual that I need to read before I attempt the test. I grab the test manual book and I try to run downstairs with it but he stops me, grabs it from my hand and tells me that we aren't allowed to take it. I look perplexed at him because it's impossible to read the entire manual in a minute. And I'm running out of time. I run downstairs again in the hopes that I'll complete the test in time yet I feel helpless with the whole system. It doesn't help that I didn't prepare for the test at all. But the preparation time was only two days and that wasn't enough for me. 

 

 

On 14/11/2024 at 5:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Empath 

Compassion 

Holistic living - not putting junk food in your body 

Being in tune with nature 

Positivity 

Power of prayer

Resilience building 

Grounding 

Intuition work 

Soulwork

Dream interpretation

Shadow work 

Morality - good versus evil 

Consciousness

Conscience 

Self awareness 

Forgiveness and non judgement 

Wholeness and infinity 

Abundance 

Honest self expression 

Being your authentic self 

Power of the subconscious

Heart mind unity

Staying Balanced

Understanding Human nature

Maslow's hierarchy of needs 

Chakra method 

Different kinds of meditation

Contemplative insight work 

Devotion 

Attachment and Detachment 

Emotional regulation 

Emotional expression 

Self inquiry 

Repetition of a sacred phrase 

Alignment with the divine purpose is also a form of prayer

All non duality is love 

Love is the greatest sacred intent

Happiness is key 

Bringing divine power into our lives 

Divine Healing 

How to grow and upgrade spiritually 

Spiritual unwinding

Spiritual wisdom 

Wellspring or Sacred Fountain 

Love 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Just don't think too much about it. Don't be too stuck in the vent zone. I love how everything female gets cheapened,shallowed, denigrated or minisculed somehow. As though female struggles aren't real struggles. It's some real BS. And how everything important about a woman should always carry a male approval stamp on it. Does it feel empowering to be constantly validated by men? I dont think so. 

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/11/2024 at 8:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Recording my morning and night routine. 

 

 

On 16/11/2024 at 9:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

  On 14/11/2024 at 5:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up early but I had a serious nightmare. Maybe it means something. 

So in this terrible dream I was failing a test. The test was a complicated test based on drama, prose and poetry. There were tons of paper sheets.. I asked my sister for help but she was indifferent. There were multiple stairs and it was physically tiring to climb up the stairs to reach a person who was supervising the tests. All test resources were with him. When I went downstairs to take the test, no one would help me. I was completely confused on how to filll up the test forms. A girl sitting next to me was cooperative in the beginning but after a while she stopped talking and every time I asked her about the test, she was looking elsewhere and wouldn't reply. So the guy tells me to speak to the supervisor upstairs. This is really stressful to me as time of the test is running out and I have barely filled one sheet at all, rest of the answer sheets are blank. I run upstairs again and speak to the supervisor who tells me that there is a test manual that I need to read before I attempt the test. I grab the test manual book and I try to run downstairs with it but he stops me, grabs it from my hand and tells me that we aren't allowed to take it. I look perplexed at him because it's impossible to read the entire manual in a minute. And I'm running out of time. I run downstairs again in the hopes that I'll complete the test in time yet I feel helpless with the whole system. It doesn't help that I didn't prepare for the test at all. But the preparation time was only two days and that wasn't enough for me. 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 6:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Empath 

Compassion 

Holistic living - not putting junk food in your body 

Being in tune with nature 

Positivity 

Power of prayer

Resilience building 

Grounding 

Intuition work 

Soulwork

Dream interpretation

Shadow work 

Morality - good versus evil 

Consciousness

Conscience 

Self awareness 

Forgiveness and non judgement 

Wholeness and infinity 

Abundance 

Honest self expression 

Being your authentic self 

Power of the subconscious

Heart mind unity

Staying Balanced

Understanding Human nature

Maslow's hierarchy of needs 

Chakra method 

Different kinds of meditation

Contemplative insight work 

Devotion 

Attachment and Detachment 

Emotional regulation 

Emotional expression 

Self inquiry 

Repetition of a sacred phrase 

Alignment with the divine purpose is also a form of prayer

All non duality is love 

Love is the greatest sacred intent

Happiness is key 

Bringing divine power into our lives 

Divine Healing 

How to grow and upgrade spiritually 

Spiritual unwinding

Spiritual wisdom 

Wellspring or Sacred Fountain 

Love 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 11:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had a good day so far. 

 

Not the healthiest lunch today. Cheat day. 

Salmon gravy, rice, 2 hard boiled eggs and some coke 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I ate chocolate cake. 

 

It's the doing of Pure Philosophy

It's thousands of hours of contemplation and deep existential questioning

It's understanding the 9 Stages Of Ego Development and working through each stage

It's developing profound Construct-Awareness

It's taking psychedelics

It's observing your own ego in action and the egos of others

It's study and research, reading and watching videos

It's educating yourself about the world, cultures, geography, politics, science, various forms of spirituality

It's developing a life purpose

It's getting crystal clear about your values and principles

It's the study of self-deception

It's the study of epistemology and its many traps

It's deconstructing everything

It's understanding your own corruption and selfishness

It's studying your own emotions and developing mindfulness over them and understanding how and why they work

It's recognizing immaturity within yourself and working towards mature ways of being

 

November 14. Thursday. 2024. 

I have a therapy session in an hour.

Im nervous. 

If the therapy session goes well, I'll eat a piece of cake as a reward. 

 

 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 6:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Finished my therapy session. I was about to have a mental breakdown during the session. It was that tiring and frightening. But I carried myself somehow. I have a good therapist this time. 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I lost 60 million coins in the game. But it's okay. 

 

  On 15/11/2024 at 6:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Feeling okay this morning. 

 

  On 15/11/2024 at 7:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I can't believe I spent 60 million coins on a cue. Oooooof. 

 

 

I went for a morning walk. On the way two cats rejected me and I picked this little flower on the sidewalk. 

I had a slice of cake as a reward for my effort yesterday. 

 

The cat that rejected me. Sneakily looks at me. 

 

I also saw a struggling butterfly on the ground. 

 

 

Trolled once more. 

 

  21 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

I'm going to make soya chunk gravy today for lunch. 

 

  11 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday therapy session went well. 

 

 

  11 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Today I ate a cake as a reward. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/11/2024 at 4:10 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My life is great when I get to cook great food. 

I made a stuffed bun and soya chunk gravy today. 

Today I ate a healthy lunch.. A whole fried  salmon, stuffed bun, soya chunk cashew  gravy. 

 

Along with some lime water. 

And some pickles. 

 

My food was great and  I'm extremely happy. 

 

 

 

On 16/11/2024 at 4:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had 21 million coins in my game wallet. 

Yesterday I worked hard and made another 6 million. So now my current wallet balance is 26.5 million. I still can't believe that I lost like 60 million coins  in one day. I don't know if it was worth it. 

I really wanted that beautiful cue and I got it. I thought what's the point of holding the coins anyway, if I don't have my favorite cue.

Compromise is tough if I waited months and months for a great cue. I have an animated cue now.. 

 

 

On 16/11/2024 at 5:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A large hibiscus has grown in my garden. That's a new plant I bought today from the store. 

 

 

 

Flower in my garden. Video. 

My husband's trolling cat sneaks into the bushes.  

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/11/2024 at 7:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This is so funny. 

 

 

On 17/11/2024 at 6:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't want anyone to say I have a good heart. Saying that I have a bad heart is better. So manipulative. Call me a good person and then proceed to insult me. This forum never changes. 

 

 

On 17/11/2024 at 11:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today I'll be making butter chicken for lunch. 

 

 

On 17/11/2024 at 4:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So I ate a wonderful meal for lunch. Sunday is a fun day. 

Butterchicken gravy, rice and lime water bottle. 

 

On 17/11/2024 at 7:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Time to have a wonderful dinner. Chicken again. Lots of it. I love chicken. 

 

Time for me to sleep. 

 

 

Compromise is tough if I waited months and months for a great cue. I have an animated cue now.. 

Yesterday I made another one million. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 18/11/2024 at 6:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up super early. Yoohoo. 

 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 9:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up early today. 

Have a lot of work pending today. Plus a therapy session in person with a new therapist. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 19/11/2024 at 8:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Finished my therapy session today. November 19. It wasn't a good experience. The therapist kept asking a lot of questions. When I asked her how she felt about me as a client, she was being just numb and not saying anything at all. She refused to talk to my family which is the general protocol I have had with therapists in the past. She said there was no homework and that she will never assign any homework. I was clueless as to what sort of therapy model she wanted to use on me. She talked about breathing exercises and kept asking me about the next appointment saying she is always too busy. I was sort of pissed off with her casual attitude because she offered absolutely nothing for me to work on neither discussed about future therapy sessions. It was money down the toilet. Sometimes I just don't want these f****** therapists, they always fall short of even basic expectations. There is no plan, model or homework or implementation that a client can use. They just listen. But I want more than that. I want real solutions and techniques and some homework where I can record some progress and the therapist can actually walk me through it. So it was a waste of money. 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The last thing that my sister said to me was to find a new therapist nearby. My new therapist Chris is still my current therapist. He was quite better than the previous ones I met. 

Yet he isn't always fully available. Plus I can't meet him in person. 

So I need a new therapist that I can meet regularly. 

There's a small hospital near my place and I think I can try there. There are only 3 therapists there. Generally I'm more comfortable with a male therapist. So far the female therapists just too chatty and don't offer anything other than sweet words of assurance. The male therapists offer something constructive like worksheets. 

So once hunting for a new "good" therapist. 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Therapy is a big big deal. 

At the end of the 1 hour therapy session I had dry mouth. I was craving water badly. I had been speaking to the therapist for a full hour and my mouth was running dry. I just couldn't speak anymore. She couldn't have the courtesy to offer me water or a pause or break. I swear they only care about money. She wanted to drag the time to an accurate hour and then abruptly end the session without discussing any future plans or follow ups. 

It's like they don't understand patient dissatisfaction at all and take us for granted on top of exorbitant fees. Geez. 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

And the one routine I find quite awkward about any or every therapy session is the need to answer a plethora of personal questions. Going over my childhood over and over and over with each new therapist is extremely exhausting. An exhausting ritual I have to repeat with every new therapist. They keep digging up my trauma. I have to repeat the story of my childhood, my PTSD, my current marriage, my past boyfriends, my mom's bipolar manic episodes, my father's passing, all over and over. The whole story repetition takes a lot of time and strength. I do feel heard and validated but that's not what I'm paying for. I want real ways to deal with my nightmares. So far absolutely nothing has worked to cure my nightmares and flashbacks. They continue. Sometimes they are mild and sometimes severe. They are absolutely horrendous sometimes. 

 

My core psychological issues revolve around —

• Nightmares and flashbacks
• Depression and social anxiety 
• CPTSD
• Borderline personality disorder 
• Autism 
• Addiction 
• Codependency and limerence and tiny bit of OCD
• Suicidal ideation 

 

 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm working on it. I just wanted a very knowledgeable therapist to work with. I had my diagnostic sheet in hand where the result indicated that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and I showed her the diagnostic sheet. She even took a printout of it. And then she said that she doesn't believe in psychological disorders.. I mean fuck you woman. Why in the world is your website stating that you have a specialization in treating borderline personality disorder only for you to say in the very first therapy session that you don't believe that disorders exist. WTF... The only reason I opted for her out of other therapists is because she explicitly stated that on her website. It also stated that she is specialized in treating bipolar disorders. I mean a giant WTF.... You say you treat people's disorders and the first thing you tell them is that there is no diagnosis. Are you fucking kidding me? You should have stated that on your website then!!!!?!!!!

I swear I'm having a fit of rage now. I'm going into a borderline episode. My mother is bipolar. So she could have spoken to my mother which she didn't. I mean is this a joke??????

If disorders don't exist, what the fuck are you treating? 

And why not be honest about your client approach so they have an idea about what they would be dealing with before spending their huge sum of money on these so called therapists. 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

She even stated on her website that she specializes in Dialectical behavior therapy. Wtf???? Dialectical behavior therapy(DBT) is necessary for borderline personality disorder clients. I swear it was such a scam. She didn't know anything about DBT. I WANT MY MONEY BACK. 

I didn't ask for any refund. I was exhausted and confused and in a state of daze and I had dry mouth and I walked out of the clinic. 

Now it hits me. I feel like a coward right now. I swear. I should have demanded a refund of my money.....

I swear I'm too pissed off today. No therapy. No assurance. No plan or model. No insight. No advice. Nil.. Nada. Nothing. I got nothing you bloodsucker fucking therapists..... 

Took my money and sent me home. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 19/11/2024 at 8:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Finished my therapy session today. November 19. It wasn't a good experience. The therapist kept asking a lot of questions. When I asked her how she felt about me as a client, she was being just numb and not saying anything at all. She refused to talk to my family which is the general protocol I have had with therapists in the past. She said there was no homework and that she will never assign any homework. I was clueless as to what sort of therapy model she wanted to use on me. She talked about breathing exercises and kept asking me about the next appointment saying she is always too busy. I was sort of pissed off with her casual attitude because she offered absolutely nothing for me to work on neither discussed about future therapy sessions. It was money down the toilet. Sometimes I just don't want these f****** therapists, they always fall short of even basic expectations. There is no plan, model or homework or implementation that a client can use. They just listen. But I want more than that. I want real solutions and techniques and some homework where I can record some progress and the therapist can actually walk me through it. So it was a waste of money. 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The last thing that my sister said to me was to find a new therapist nearby. My new therapist Chris is still my current therapist. He was quite better than the previous ones I met. 

Yet he isn't always fully available. Plus I can't meet him in person. 

So I need a new therapist that I can meet regularly. 

There's a small hospital near my place and I think I can try there. There are only 3 therapists there. Generally I'm more comfortable with a male therapist. So far the female therapists just too chatty and don't offer anything other than sweet words of assurance. The male therapists offer something constructive like worksheets. 

So once hunting for a new "good" therapist. 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Therapy is a big big deal. 

At the end of the 1 hour therapy session I had dry mouth. I was craving water badly. I had been speaking to the therapist for a full hour and my mouth was running dry. I just couldn't speak anymore. She couldn't have the courtesy to offer me water or a pause or break. I swear they only care about money. She wanted to drag the time to an accurate hour and then abruptly end the session without discussing any future plans or follow ups. 

It's like they don't understand patient dissatisfaction at all and take us for granted on top of exorbitant fees. Geez. 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

And the one routine I find quite awkward about any or every therapy session is the need to answer a plethora of personal questions. Going over my childhood over and over and over with each new therapist is extremely exhausting. An exhausting ritual I have to repeat with every new therapist. They keep digging up my trauma. I have to repeat the story of my childhood, my PTSD, my current marriage, my past boyfriends, my mom's bipolar manic episodes, my father's passing, all over and over. The whole story repetition takes a lot of time and strength. I do feel heard and validated but that's not what I'm paying for. I want real ways to deal with my nightmares. So far absolutely nothing has worked to cure my nightmares and flashbacks. They continue. Sometimes they are mild and sometimes severe. They are absolutely horrendous sometimes. 

 

My core psychological issues revolve around —

• Nightmares and flashbacks
• Depression and social anxiety 
• CPTSD
• Borderline personality disorder 
• Autism 
• Addiction 
• Codependency and limerence and tiny bit of OCD
• Suicidal ideation 

 

 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm working on it. I just wanted a very knowledgeable therapist to work with. I had my diagnostic sheet in hand where the result indicated that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and I showed her the diagnostic sheet. She even took a printout of it. And then she said that she doesn't believe in psychological disorders.. I mean fuck you woman. Why in the world is your website stating that you have a specialization in treating borderline personality disorder only for you to say in the very first therapy session that you don't believe that disorders exist. WTF... The only reason I opted for her out of other therapists is because she explicitly stated that on her website. It also stated that she is specialized in treating bipolar disorders. I mean a giant WTF.... You say you treat people's disorders and the first thing you tell them is that there is no diagnosis. Are you fucking kidding me? You should have stated that on your website then!!!!?!!!!

I swear I'm having a fit of rage now. I'm going into a borderline episode. My mother is bipolar. So she could have spoken to my mother which she didn't. I mean is this a joke??????

If disorders don't exist, what the fuck are you treating? 

And why not be honest about your client approach so they have an idea about what they would be dealing with before spending their huge sum of money on these so called therapists. 

 

 

On 19/11/2024 at 8:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

She even stated on her website that she specializes in Dialectical behavior therapy. Wtf???? Dialectical behavior therapy(DBT) is necessary for borderline personality disorder clients. I swear it was such a scam. She didn't know anything about DBT. I WANT MY MONEY BACK. 

I didn't ask for any refund. I was exhausted and confused and in a state of daze and I had dry mouth and I walked out of the clinic. 

Now it hits me. I feel like a coward right now. I swear. I should have demanded a refund of my money.....

I swear I'm too pissed off today. No therapy. No assurance. No plan or model. No insight. No advice. Nil.. Nada. Nothing. I got nothing you bloodsucker fucking therapists..... 

Took my money and sent me home. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 20/11/2024 at 2:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up early today and still had nightmares. 

 

 

On 21/11/2024 at 9:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I need to have constructive goals. 

 

On 21/11/2024 at 0:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

https://img.vdoerig.com/

 

On 21/11/2024 at 11:08 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm doing better today. 

 

On 22/11/2024 at 2:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I hate how doctors don't take me seriously just because I look good. 

 

On 22/11/2024 at 3:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

It was the weirdest dream. I had to defend my morality in the dream. It was a nightmare again. My heart was pounding. I felt the trauma of constantly being hated. In the dream someone from the forum (I won't reveal who) was preaching me and constantly laughing at me and probably unintentionally labeling me as a bad person and the feud got pretty intense, it reached fever pitch, I was suicidal in the end and a police officer stepped in and heard my pleas, and the police officer tried to understand what I was going through and told the person to stop mocking me. It really brought back my forum trauma. 

 

On 22/11/2024 at 8:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm so happy with my husband. 

 

 

On 22/11/2024 at 8:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My nerves are buckling under pressure. 

I feel like I can't take it anymore sometimes.

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 22/11/2024 at 8:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Since the winter has begun, I have been feeling seasonal depression. 

I don't know if it's my Meds. But I have been feeling somewhat off. 

My mother can never get along with the new generation. She lacks basic sense and that's a huge frustration. Sometimes I agree with her. Sometimes I don't. 

I don't like the world either or how it works. How our lives are never secure or ensured? 

How it's a dog eat dog everywhere.... 

Home should be a place of sweetness and not negativity. 

People can be so negative.....fuck it. 

 

 

On 22/11/2024 at 9:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So my entire life will only be spent in coping??? 

Seems like it. 

 

On 22/11/2024 at 9:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

If everything is going to be criticized, there's no point in living life. 

 

 

On 24/11/2024 at 6:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up refreshed. All I need is a warm cup of tea or coffee. 

 

 

On 24/11/2024 at 6:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It takes a degree of bravery to be completely vulnerable. 

It feels like people will take advantage of that. 

 

 

 

 

On 24/11/2024 at 6:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel a degree of frustration when I deal with certain kinds of people whether online or offline - 

 

 

- people who are constantly negative 

- people who lack empathy for others 

- people who take others pain or frustration for granted. 

- people who complain about petty nonsense 

- people who focus entirely on their own identity and issues 

- People who love playing social games 

- people who aren't sensitive to others problems 

- people who call others victims whilst playing victim themselves 

- people who unnecessarily intrude into others lives. Like mind your own business 

- people who never care to understand what it is to be in someone's shoes

- People who take mental health issues lightly

- people who invalidate and downgrade others suffering just because they don't suffer enough 

 

 

On 26/11/2024 at 10:43 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Certain things come back to haunt me. 

 

On 26/11/2024 at 10:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My life has been a long journey of trauma. 

 

On 26/11/2024 at 10:34 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm kind of tired of stuff.

 

 

On 25/11/2024 at 2:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't have to care what anyone thinks. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 24/11/2024 at 9:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Love this music right now. 

 

 

On 25/11/2024 at 0:43 PM, Buck Edwards said:

When someone's life revolves too much around women, it's probably because they don't have a woman in their life. 

 

On 25/11/2024 at 0:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 26/11/2024 at 11:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm blessed too. 

To have you. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I did well yesterday. Wrote parts of my book. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I feel a bit mixed today.