My name is Sara

[Buck Edwards]

My stats have improved. 

And I'm feeling better today. 

Waiting ardently for tomorrow. 

Sometimes I want time only to myself. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I sometimes wonder if I could stop being all over the place. I don't know if it's a mental disorder but I tend to be scattered brained a lot. If I can't be appreciated that's completely fine. God appreciates everyone and everything. In his eyes everything and everyone is perfect. I have a sense of vulnerability that becomes my source of composure. I lack maturity and I understand that. Well that part will never change as that is who I am, I mean I have problems and flaws of personality and character that I accept. Immaturity is one of them. Well I'm not trying to achieve anything big in life so I'm not super critical of who I am. I can only do as much as I can and I have already done well for myself in whatever way. With mental disorder life is hard. Nothing feels normal and nothing works normal. I try not to slide down but stay up as much as possible. I don't judge myself so in the same breath I don't judge others either. My life is unique. My personality is unique. I have an innocent heart and a sense of vulnerability that allows me to be empathetic. But I need to remember that I can always do better than what I already do. I need a lot of space for that though. Any changes in my life take place slowly. I hate how others perceive me because that's not who I am. I'm extremely introverted and I'm fine with it. Although it handicaps my social skills a bit, my autism does that too. I move slowly at my own pace. Any negativity impacts my growth. Negativity is my devil, destroyer of my soul. So I hate that. I can only speak in vacuum, I can never hold a normal conversation like other people do because my brain works at a grudgingly slow pace. I'm proud of who I am. There are dull days in my life, days when I don't even want to get out of bed. But it's okay. Like I said I don't judge myself because judging just makes everything worse. People are as they are. You have to be your best version everyday no matter what. 

[Buck Edwards]

I woke up early in the morning and didn't sleep well. So I was feeling dull and sluggish. 

 

[M A J I]

Hi Sara, I like your new profile photo with the Rose. I wanted to ask though, I notice you change it multiple times a day, could this be some struggle with stability and structure around your ego / image? Just curious, have you tried writing a journal in person or private?

Edited December 28, 2024 by M A J I

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, M A J I said:

Hi Sara, I like your new profile photo with the Rose. I wanted to ask though, I notice you change it multiple times a day, could this be some struggle with stability and structure around your ego / image? Just curious.

Yea I have some struggle around my personality. 

 

[M A J I]

3 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Yea I have some struggle around my personality. 

 

I feel that, I used to change my online names a lot, could never sit with one if I had the option to change it, although I did it more for artistic expression, today I felt like playing this character, other days I felt like another. I feel it could be related to the lack of grounding. Nevertheless, you are a beautiful being and thanks for sharing and honesty.

Edited December 28, 2024 by M A J I

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, M A J I said:

I feel that, I used to change my online names a lot, could never sit with one if I had the option to change it, although I did it more for artistic expression, today I felt like playing this character, other days I felt like another. Nevertheless, you are a beautiful being and thanks for sharing.

Same to you too. 

[Buck Edwards]

I don't reveal much about myself over the internet. I don't trust the internet fully. So I only reveal as much as I feel comfortable with. I don't like revealing anything that makes me feel uncomfortable in any way. I don't like that constant discomfort. And even if I disclosed sensitive information about myself it can easily be twisted to harm me, I don't want that. People already twist so much. I have zero obligation to reveal anything about me to anyone, I don't need to justify, neither do I owe anyone any kind of explanation. This is the internet, no matter what. It will always be the internet. There will always be some toxicity inherent in it. It is unavoidable. It's difficult to trust. I have to remind myself that this is the internet and not real life so I tailor everything I speak keeping that in mind, it doesn't always have to be real or have any connection to anything real in my life, I'm not here to make solid real life friendships or bondings because I'm wary of it, I already have a solid relationship and that is my husband who I met on this forum and that is already enough for me, I don't need anything other than that, I myself cannot believe that I married someone who I met over the internet because I never thought it was possible. But anyway. I don't want much of my life to be spent over the internet. It shouldn't be this way. Real life is much more valuable just like gold is more valuable than wood. Internet has its benefits, that's okay, it has its own place. But it's place is limited. You can't live your life over the internet. I have to keep the limitations in mind. And I always speak within such limits of the internet. That's how I survived the internet in the first place. It has its good as well as bad. But it can have a sucking effect. It can suck you in and give you the illusion that you are actually living life by simply being on the internet, this is very dangerous and misleading and can turn into an addiction and actually prevent real growth in real life. So you have to know how to keep your reel life aka internet life away from your real life because if you don't do it, the toxicity of the internet can seep into your real life and you become another victim of this rabbit hole. It already eats away a lot of your time. Go touch grass. Soak in some sunshine. Live real life. Don't make the internet your life. Mostly it's a cope when you do it because you aren't enjoying your real life as you would want to so you use the internet as a crutch. But anyway. Use the internet for whatever you want to use it for and return back to your real life where you find real connections with real people and enjoy real time in a high quality way. Leave the internet behind because it's an illusion at the end of the day. It cannot replace real life. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I don't like opening up about it too much to men. But I always have very painful period. So much that I have trauma about it. Every time it comes I'm reminded of how it always is. The mood swings are wild. I get grumpy. The pms. The cramps are awful and recurrent. Sometimes I can't work when I have it and don't feel like leaving home during those times. I also lose/gain sexual desire (don't know how to put it), depending on the period but mostly hate men or tend to dislike male presence during this specific time, like a male around might cause me irritation (it's just my biological response, my brain associating period with sex, men etc.) 

I don't want sex on a period, I would feel terrible. This is one of the biggest aspects of being a woman that I personally hate the most most most. I don't like it at all. And I shouldn't be ashamed of disliking it. It's difficult to embrace it because I get nasty feelings and temper tantrums and frustrations on my period. I tell everyone to get away or leave me alone. Sometimes I tell my family to shut up because even too much talk or sound irritates me. I'll be like shh. 

I avoid talking to my husband on my period. I don't know it irritates me and I need my space to deal with my frustration and mood swings. I want to be stress free on those days. 

I discussed with my gynec and she said that my womb is naturally that way. 

I can take those painkillers but I have to watch out because I generally bleed a bit more if I take pills of any sort. So I just tolerate the pain. 

I am grateful that my family and husband don't disturb me too much when I am on my period and they let me have my space. But sometimes I have had the need to get angry, throw temper tantrums and I get aggressive. And male presence is generally not appreciated. 

The opposite side. On some periods, it's different. I get a very strong sexual desire right before the day it's gonna start or at least a week before it starts. The desire to have sex is extremely strong and it feels like I'm in heat and I get horny like crazy. I get wet dreams, those kind of dreams and rape fantasies and stuff. And I get the feeling that I should be f*. It's not particularly enjoyable because I know that my hormones causing me to be sexual so it's no big deal. An attractive male around me looks even more attractive during such a time. His height, his gestures, masculine jawline, body strength, his style, his talk might appear more appealing during this time. My mind is naturally drawn to the sexiness in men (of course I control it because I want to be faithful), but just giving an Idea of how my biology functions when I'm going through the heat time before the period.

When the period comes on, I might still feel sexual and horny. I can crave sex on the second day. This is only during horny periods not regular ones. On the third day, the sexual craving disappears. 

On the fourth day the symptoms begin to fade. I don't feel horny when my period is about to end. 

I feel slightly horny in the next three days after the period has ended as my sexual drive comes back and the disgust feelings are gone. 

Then it has to be at least 10-15 days before I feel hormonal again. This is the day when I feel a bit warmer than usual and my body temperature goes up. I feel horny. It lasts only a day. But I feel unusual, my forehead gets warm, my nipples tighten a bit and my breasts  feel sensitive and sore. And I tend to get a bit sensitive than usual and I don't hate male presence at this time. It's like I like it. I usually crave sex on this day. Not a lot but still better than other days. 

It lasts only a day. After that it's just normal till the next period starts. So I usually appreciate male presence only on the days when I'm horny. Rest of the days I don't get any thoughts about men in general. 

I have observed that my love-hate cycle with men fluctuates depending on my horniness and how my period regulates it. Some periods I don't want sex at all, some periods I'm unusually horny and sexual cravings go up.

So the sexual cravings go up and down throughout the month depending on the day of the entire month cycle. 

[Buck Edwards]

Today is a good day hopefully. Today is Sunday December 29. 

Again reconsider a lot of things. Make plans for 2025. Focus on your goals baby. Cherish what's important. 

Remember that your time matters in every way. I'm gaining some foothold. Making sluggish progress. There's some anxiety regarding the future. Keep going. You're doing awesome. The battle against mental health is still on. 

I still have to write a lot of stuff. Half the year in 2024 was spent trying to mend my trauma. I tried different therapists. I had some conflict with my family. Days went by. Things weren't good till April 2024. I was still coping. 

May, June, July were coping months. I struggled a lot during this period. 

Until July I got married. And things changed radically. I was very happy. Happy days were back again. After that I had some ups and downs and some stress because of this new relationship in the form of marriage. It was sudden. And the emotional anxiety of handling a new relationship was overwhelming. So August and September were pretty much dealing with the onset of a new person in my life and the sudden changes to my schedule. It was also the honeymoon phase of my relationship with this wonderful person in my life. October was slight bumpy, emotionally speaking as any emotional event tends to give me a jolt sort of. I remember November being spent in family conflict. I still want to recollect what happened in November. There must be something. I don't remember much about November somehow. 

[Buck Edwards]

I wrote this on the 11th October 2024 as my list of goals. 

 

My list of goals 

 

My four primary goals are

Being and living a spiritual life 

Adding more insights 

Being a great wife to my husband 

Being into my feminine essence 

Working on my trauma and CPTSD 

Being more peaceful 

Being more productive 

Working on my energy levels 

Working on my mental illness 

Working on my fitness levels

Learning "bonding energy"

Cultivating my relationship with God 

Getting a great job 

Improving my life 

High consciousness living 

Work on my organizational skills 

start my day with positive affirmations. 

Self soothing techniques. 

Causes of nightmares

Learning masculinity and femininity 

 

My current specifics - 

 

Focus on authenticity

Integrate masculinity 

Focus on core principle 

Integrate anything 

Therapy work

Push away both masculine and feminine negativity. Don't absorb this stuff 

Self development of course 

Masculine feminine integration 

High consciousness 

Being authentically creative 

Deep spiritual work 

Self awareness exercises

 

 

4 core things that I have identified - 

 

First is IQ

Confidence 

Emotional and mental health

Mastery 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

15th October my husband went hiking. So that was an important day. 

Timeline building —

I was intensely interested in watching horror movies in the entire week before Halloween. This is also the time of Diwali. I remember spending a lot of money on Diwali which I don't regret. 

I wrote this entry on October 26th. 

I slept well but I woke up from a dream and in the dream I was looking for my scorecard and grades. My exams were over and it was time for results. There was a big digital board and everyone was able to see their scores except me. I couldn't find mine. My family kept searching too. Finally I remember my examination ID number which was a 4 digit number and I inserted that number and my score appeared. 

 

 

 

This is my entry from 1st November 2024. 

So I woke up from a nightmare. 

Contents of the nightmare - I'm taking care of a lot of luggage. Lots of bags and boxes that I'm shuffling. Some contain valuable stuff. I am arguing with my mom. She has lost some of my stuff at her short hospital stay. I can see something in the sky. It's hovering like a large object. I have this sudden fear that it will fall on me. I am rushing somewhere. Along with my luggage I have three cats that are messing with it. I am scared that I will lose my cats and I want someone to watch over them. I have to cross the road. The middle crossing section of the road is empty. I can probably take my travel trolley and move some luggage to the middle section for security. So it won't be damaged. I'm trying but I seem to be running out of time. I want to cone to that middle section. Large trucks and huge vehicles are passing by. I'm just trying to breathe and relax because it's a boatload of luggage that I need to be moving quite quickly which seems like a quick ordeal to me. 

Dream interpretation - I think I have a lot of emotional baggage in life to sort through. 

 

 

This is my entry from November 3 —

 

I woke up from a nightmare and felt uneasy. 

Contents of the nightmare - I visit Actualized org after a long time and it has completely changed. It has turned into a merchandise website. It is selling kitchen items and sports memorabilia. People discussing and playing video games on the site too. My mom bought a ready made popcorn maker from the site. I ask my mom - "seriously. You got that. That's not that great." I get upset that she did that. I'm also upset that the website turned into a video game. I was also offered a teaching job by two ladies of the website and I decline the offer. 

Interpretation - I think that I'm looking for a sense of security and things are changing fast which I'm not appreciating. I don't have a good relationship with my mom which is often reflected in my dreams and nightmares. I declined a job offer in the dream which means I don't agree with something or some lifestyle which I don't want. I'm seriously in disagreement with the world. 

 

I wrote this entry on November 3rd 2024. 

 

I switched my therapist once again 

 

My first therapist was Steven. He was too old and did not understand my needs and situation. He was just babbling his own philosophy. It sucks that we can't try them first. We already have to pay and find out later it's not a good fit. The next therapist was Simon. He was only slightly better than the first but he began treating me like a child and not taking my symptoms seriously. He went on to say how everything is labeled as a disorder these days. But I have serious and severe mental issues and I suffer a lot. I'm stuck in a rut. So for a therapist who claims 18 years of experience, it felt a bit odd for him to say that everything is a disorder when I'm genuinely suffering from disorders. I mean I don't want to hear that from a therapist who is trying to normalize everything, the job gets easier for him then, he has to treat nothing. I mean it's not even about treatment, what exactly is he gonna do than just talk like a friend. I have friends for that, I don't need a therapist for a casual chat. 

I switched to a younger therapist whose name is Chris. He has 3 years of experience so I will see how that goes. I found it hard to get an IFS therapist. 

 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Entries from November 6th 2024. 

 

 

 

November 6th was a sad day for me because Donald Trump won. My family had voted for Kamala Harris. 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

I don't know what this was about but I wrote this on November 13th, 2024. I think I was scared that day. 

Today I woke up early but not feeling refreshed. 

I was emotional and exhausted last night. 

But the tension is over thank God. 

The drama is out of my way. 

At least temporarily. 

 

 

Yep November 13th was some thing going on. I remember that. It was tedious but I handled it gracefully. 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

So I had my new therapist on November 3, 2024. 

This is my entry from November 3,2024. 

I switched my therapist once again 

My first therapist was Steven. He was too old and did not understand my needs and situation. He was just babbling his own philosophy. It sucks that we can't try them first. We already have to pay and find out later it's not a good fit. The next therapist was Simon. He was only slightly better than the first but he began treating me like a child and not taking my symptoms seriously. He went on to say how everything is labeled as a disorder these days. But I have serious and severe mental issues and I suffer a lot. I'm stuck in a rut. So for a therapist who claims 18 years of experience, it felt a bit odd for him to say that everything is a disorder when I'm genuinely suffering from disorders. I mean I don't want to hear that from a therapist who is trying to normalize everything, the job gets easier for him then, he has to treat nothing. I mean it's not even about treatment, what exactly is he gonna do than just talk like a friend. I have friends for that, I don't need a therapist for a casual chat. 

I switched to a younger therapist whose name is Chris. He has 3 years of experience so I will see how that goes. I found it hard to get an IFS therapist. 

 

 

I also wrote this on November 2.

 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I wrote this on November 4,2024.

How to tune out people from your life? 

 

• First you have to be quite fortunate to achieve this, if you are stuck in a job around miserable people, that is hard luck. 
• Be closer to nature 
• Be more involved in art 
• Be around "salt of the earth" kind of people 
• Invoke the idea of "perfect love" 
• Listen to calming music and meditate 
• Have a gratefulness journal or do gratitude exercise 
• Stay close to animals and pets
• Read books 
• Read articles 
• Read news articles websites like New York Times to keep up with the latest stuff 
• Watch horror movies and comedy movies 
• Nurture your inner child
• Understand that every person has intrinsic value 
• Do shadow work and understand that you don't have to internalize people's opinions and egos. 
• Don't crave validation of any kind 
• Stay away from stage orange culture 
• Play video games 
• Cut off "competitive people" from your mind mentally. 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I think November 14 was a total nightmare for me. I woke up from a nightmare and that day was my appointment with my therapist Chris. It was really terrible. I felt extremely exhausted, anxious and nervous during the session. I also lost a lot of coins in a game that day. I had somewhat of a game addiction. 

 

These are my entries. 

  On 14/11/2024 at 6:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Finished my therapy session. I was about to have a mental breakdown during the session. It was that tiring and frightening. But I carried myself somehow. I have a good therapist this time. 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I lost 60 million coins in the game. But it's okay. 

 

  On 15/11/2024 at 6:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Feeling okay this morning. 

 

  On 15/11/2024 at 7:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I can't believe I spent 60 million coins on a cue. Oooooof. 

 

 

 

I bought a hibiscus from the store. This is on November 16th. Uneventful day. 

A large hibiscus has grown in my garden. That's a new plant I bought today from the store. 

 

Edited December 29, 2024 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

November 19th entry. Faced a lot of frustration that day. 

 

Finished my therapy session today. November 19. It wasn't a good experience. The therapist kept asking a lot of questions. When I asked her how she felt about me as a client, she was being just numb and not saying anything at all. She refused to talk to my family which is the general protocol I have had with therapists in the past. She said there was no homework and that she will never assign any homework. I was clueless as to what sort of therapy model she wanted to use on me. She talked about breathing exercises and kept asking me about the next appointment saying she is always too busy. I was sort of pissed off with her casual attitude because she offered absolutely nothing for me to work on neither discussed about future therapy sessions. It was money down the toilet. Sometimes I just don't want these f****** therapists, they always fall short of even basic expectations. There is no plan, model or homework or implementation that a client can use. They just listen. But I want more than that. I want real solutions and techniques and some homework where I can record some progress and the therapist can actually walk me through it. So it was a waste of money. 

 

And the one routine I find quite awkward about any or every therapy session is the need to answer a plethora of personal questions. Going over my childhood over and over and over with each new therapist is extremely exhausting. An exhausting ritual I have to repeat with every new therapist. They keep digging up my trauma. I have to repeat the story of my childhood, my PTSD, my current marriage, my past boyfriends, my mom's bipolar manic episodes, my father's passing, all over and over. The whole story repetition takes a lot of time and strength. I do feel heard and validated but that's not what I'm paying for. I want real ways to deal with my nightmares. So far absolutely nothing has worked to cure my nightmares and flashbacks. They continue. Sometimes they are mild and sometimes severe. They are absolutely horrendous sometimes. 

 

 

 

My core psychological issues revolve around —

 

Nightmares and flashbacks

Depression and social anxiety 

CPTSD

Borderline personality disorder 

Autism 

Addiction 

Codependency and limerence and tiny bit of OCD

Suicidal ideation 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

I was quite frustrated on November 19th because of the behavior of the in person therapist. I also did not like how she treated my mother. It was an awful day for my mother and me. 

[Buck Edwards]

On November 22, I suffered a bout of seasonal depression. 

This was my entry. 

Since the winter has begun, I have been feeling seasonal depression. 

I don't know if it's my Meds. But I have been feeling somewhat off. 

My mother can never get along with the new generation. She lacks basic sense and that's a huge frustration. Sometimes I agree with her. Sometimes I don't. 

I don't like the world either or how it works. How our lives are never secure or ensured? 

How it's a dog eat dog everywhere.... 

Home should be a place of sweetness and not negativity. 

People can be so negative.....fuck it.