My name is Sara

[Buck Edwards]

Beauty starts with meaning. 

Edited December 16 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Won a Tokyo ring this time. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I felt shy and sexually deeply repressed when I joined this forum in March 2023. I felt awkward almost scared to enter a male dominated forum like this. I remember having a formidable presence. How could a shy girl like me exist on here? It was merely impossible in my mind. I decided to take up a male username of Buck Edwards and somehow survive on this forum as a man and pretend to be a man. I thought this would be a safer Idea. I wouldn't get much attention or lousy messages from men leering at me. Neither would I have to constantly defend my position as a woman. It felt freeing. It felt I could do this. I did well and thrived for over a year. It felt non threatening. Over time I got tired of role playing as a man and it didn't suit me. I was fed up. I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. I just love being a woman and wouldn't want otherwise. My deepest feelings couldn't have been expressed role playing as a man. So I gave up. My husband was by my side. I felt hopeful and confident. That day I stopped that facade and came to my normal self. Yes it was an identity crisis I was battling with.. It was hard on me. I had my insecurities as a woman. I felt like I would get a torrent of messages from men. I have felt shy all my life. Even boarding a bus full of men frightens me. I can feel awkward around men. It's just how I feel and have been raised. I mostly grew up around females. My dad was the only male member in my family. My dad was a sturdy figure for me. Finally in July I felt liberated. My male pseudo name I adopted for this forum is stuck and that's alright. My name is Sara. 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Engaging in acts of kindness and compassion holds great importance in the quest for enlightenment in my opinion. 

Why? Kindness fosters connectedness. Connection with Others. Acts of kindness and compassion  foster a sense of connection and empathy with others. By extending kindness and compassion, we recognize the inherent worth and interconnectedness of all beings. This sense of connection can deepen our spiritual understanding and promote a sense of unity. You need that fabric of connectedness. I have seen great changes in my life since my compassion practice, especially loving kindness meditation. Any opportunity in this regard should not be wasted. In fact I would feel guilty if I did that. Anything that births itself from kindness will never be lost in vain. Kindness is a virtue, a gift that keeps giving. You'll never see it until it actually does. 

Kindness and compassion are considered virtues in many spiritual traditions. Cultivate virtues. Engaging in these acts helps cultivate qualities such as empathy, generosity, forgiveness, and love. These virtues are seen as essential for personal growth, spiritual development, and living a meaningful life. Bind them to yourself. See every act as an opportunity. 

Suffering exists due to a dualistic nature. Nothing is really separate. Alleviating Suffering. Suffering of some form will always exist though.compassion is often motivated by a desire to alleviate the suffering of others. By showing kindness and compassion, we contribute to creating a more compassionate and caring world. This can bring comfort, healing, and support to those in need, and it can also enhance our own sense of purpose and fulfillment. Why bother to alleviate suffering right? Welll... When you reduce the burden of suffering you stop the cycle of suffering. Again this is a principle of vompassion. Spirituality without compassion is like a car without fuel. You can't really go anywhere with it. It wouldn't make sense long term. In its absence, everything is egoic. 

We have an inherent self centeredness anyway. Practicing Non-Attachment is ideal.Engaging in acts of kindness and compassion can help us develop a sense of detachment from our own desires, ego, and self-centeredness. It shifts our focus from personal gain to the well-being of others. By letting go of self-centeredness, we open ourselves up to a deeper spiritual experience and a greater sense of interconnectedness. This also fosters our inherent non duak nature. 

[Buck Edwards]

On 13/09/2024 at 4:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm slowly discovering new positive affirmations. 

One is "I woke up feeling refreshed."

 

 

On 13/09/2024 at 5:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The next affirmation is - I'm free. 

 

 

On 13/09/2024 at 5:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The other affirmations - 

I love my husband. 

I'm attracted to my husband. 

I'm in love with my husband. 

I feel hot for my husband. 

 

 

 

On 13/09/2024 at 5:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The next affirmation is - 

I feel free on this forum. I have a powerful grip now. I feel more confident and comfortable now. 

 

 

On 13/09/2024 at 5:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Move away from negativity and move towards confidence. 

 

On 13/09/2024 at 9:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll keep my anxieties at bay. 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 10:13 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Journaling is an effective technique for dealing with trauma. Much of my life has been dealing with trauma. 

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 10:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

A prayer for upgrading my knowledge database. 

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 10:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 14/09/2024 at 4:36 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Maha mrutunjaya mantra. 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 7:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 8:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 14/09/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In the end hard work wins. I worked very hard to come wherever I am. 

                         

 

Emotional Labour as Leo calls it. 

 

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 8:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Spirituality has been making an interesting comeback in recent years, or perhaps an entrée into the mainstream, with a new generation of young gurus and “spirit junkies” making it hip to be spiritual. Many of the lessons draw from religious tradition, yogic philosophy and meditation, and the idea of a greater, or universal, consciousness. One concept that’s been central, now and in some traditions over the millennia, is the idea of getting out of our own way, or giving up control to some higher power/consciousness/energy, whatever that may be. In other words, being “in the flow.”

                      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 8:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

But what’s really fascinating about this idea is that it’s not actually specific to spirituality: many people talk of feeling, under the right conditions, like they’re in the flow, as if something greater has taken over and they’re simply letting it happen. Writers, artists, musicians, designers, athletes, and many others have experienced this state of flow, or being in the zone.

 

 

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 9:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The simplest metaphor is that it’s like driving a car with one foot on the break and one on the gas. ” In the analogy, the gas is our brains’ the natural function, and the brake is self-referential processing. If you take foot off the break, the brain functions more effortlessly. Our brain is like ‘thank god, you got out of the way.’ And that’s when we get into the flow.

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 14/09/2024 at 9:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Meditation quiets the areas of the brain that are the equivalent to the “brakes”—the default mode network (DMN)—which helps us get into a flow state very quickly. To get out of our own way, and even out of more significant states, like depression, you have to utilize other methods besides your usual mode of thinking. What got us into this mess can’t get us out. Here’s the paradox: You’re the problem. You can’t solve the problem with the same consciousness that created it. Saying to yourself, ‘I’m going to make myself one with the universe’ is a futile task. It’s just like someone telling you to relax. It doesn’t work. We naturally let go, when we see how painful our usual process is.

 

 

On 14/09/2024 at 9:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

This is such a beautiful home. 

 

On 16/09/2024 at 4:29 AM, Buck Edwards said:

So this is how I really am. 

 

I'm not someone who can simply consume behaviors and watch everyone from a distance. Either I'm close to you emotionally or I'm not. My experiences in life shaped me into becoming an emotionally vulnerable and tender person. 

 

I am that person who cries in the bathroom but shows up next day to class with a hoodie and sweatshirt on and doesn't say much and carries on quietly, literally carrying a thunderstorm inside. One scratch on my surface and you will see glass inside. Yes I'm made of glass. I break and when I break, hell breaks loose, and I shatter to pieces. I'm an HSP, acronym for highly sensitive person. 

 

I have a spatial brain disorder which means I need ample space when I read things and I can't cobble words together or else I end up with spasmodic panic attacks. Therefore you will find my writing with lots of space left out here and there and a lot of irregularities in the way I format text, suddenly leaving large spaces in between or writing too little or too much. This is done because my brain likes it that way and finds it less anxiety provoking. 

 

I'm very emotionally chaotic and fragile so if I end up fighting with my boyfriend, I won't get sleep that night, so my best option is to simply sit silent even if I feel like protesting, which gives an unfair advantage to the other party and they begin to dominate my weaknesses.. 

 

I'm more prone to abuse than others because of my brain disorders and my lack of ability to "not suck it up." 

 

I was born premature, at the 8th month and severely underweight and malnourished to the point that I was placed under intensive care during my first few days and then my parents were informed of my delicate health.. 

 

When I walk I stumble a lot, lose balance too often and end up getting into many accidents which again has a lot to do with development delays in the womb. 

 

Yet I always tried to be the best kid in class, worked hard to get an A in every subject for a consecutive 10 years in school. I got many awards and honors in school and I was an A student.. 

 

I never did smoking, drinking, drugs or any of that shit ever. 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 8:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I need a time table and a set of goals 

 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 8:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 8:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to keep a strict timetable. 

Right now it's. 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 9:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

        September 20 Friday 

 

                    Morning 

 

 

     September 20 Friday morning 

I have to start early morning working on myself and motivating myself to get the work done that I want done. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 9:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have prepared the format now. I just need to focus on what needs to be done. 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 10:57 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I should also work on my organizational skills. 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 11:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My time table. 

September 19, Thursday. Night. 

I steamed my face well. And now I'll close my eyes and get some good rest. Goodnight to my silly self. 

 

 

On 20/09/2024 at 7:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

     September 20 Friday morning 

Woke up early. 

I woke up. Sleep quality not that great. But okay. 

I'll start my day with positive affirmations. 

 

 

 

On 20/09/2024 at 9:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I came back from the zumba class. 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 10:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 10:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Self soothing techniques. 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 2:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This doesn't help me much. 

Dialectical session. 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 3:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

"ground work for therapy." 

 

This should be done before, during and after therapy. 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 4:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So far the approaches that are useful - 

• Music 
• ASMR 
• Steaming the face 
• Vagus nerve healing 
• Somatic responses 
• Mindset change 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 4:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I forgot breathing techniques and supplements 

 

[Buck Edwards]

There's a place for this “the universe prompt,”  ya know —the idea of consciously giving in to something bigger. Every religious tradition that I’ve seen has something like this, just with different words. It’s letting go of the small self, so grace of god can flow through us. ‘Advaita vedanta’ [from the Upanishads]..... in Catholicism, it’s emptying so god can flow. The universe prompt is helpful. “where I realize I don’t need to do anything. That can be part of the work, but it’s not all of it."As to whether flow is our natural state, or the product of being in tune with something greater. “Does something (like the universe or God) need to be creating something that is our natural propensity? In other words, what makes water flow downhill (instead of uphill)? Our brain has evolved for efficiency. ‘Flow’ is likely a manifestation of the brain working in optimal conditions.So it may be that spirituality is a kind of psychological tool we use just to get ourselves into our natural state. Perhaps quantum physics or other disciplines will offer other revelations in the coming years, but till then, we have to look to our current ways of understanding—psychology and neuroscience. Which may really be all we need. But for some, part of the beauty may be that it is still a mystery, and we can’t quite explain it just yet.

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/09/2024 at 4:29 AM, Buck Edwards said:

So this is how I really am. 

 

I'm not someone who can simply consume behaviors and watch everyone from a distance. Either I'm close to you emotionally or I'm not. My experiences in life shaped me into becoming an emotionally vulnerable and tender person. 

 

I am that person who cries in the bathroom but shows up next day to class with a hoodie and sweatshirt on and doesn't say much and carries on quietly, literally carrying a thunderstorm inside. One scratch on my surface and you will see glass inside. Yes I'm made of glass. I break and when I break, hell breaks loose, and I shatter to pieces. I'm an HSP, acronym for highly sensitive person. 

 

I have a spatial brain disorder which means I need ample space when I read things and I can't cobble words together or else I end up with spasmodic panic attacks. Therefore you will find my writing with lots of space left out here and there and a lot of irregularities in the way I format text, suddenly leaving large spaces in between or writing too little or too much. This is done because my brain likes it that way and finds it less anxiety provoking. 

 

I'm very emotionally chaotic and fragile so if I end up fighting with my boyfriend, I won't get sleep that night, so my best option is to simply sit silent even if I feel like protesting, which gives an unfair advantage to the other party and they begin to dominate my weaknesses.. 

 

I'm more prone to abuse than others because of my brain disorders and my lack of ability to "not suck it up." 

 

I was born premature, at the 8th month and severely underweight and malnourished to the point that I was placed under intensive care during my first few days and then my parents were informed of my delicate health.. 

 

When I walk I stumble a lot, lose balance too often and end up getting into many accidents which again has a lot to do with development delays in the womb. 

 

Yet I always tried to be the best kid in class, worked hard to get an A in every subject for a consecutive 10 years in school. I got many awards and honors in school and I was an A student.. 

 

I never did smoking, drinking, drugs or any of that shit ever. 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 8:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I need a time table and a set of goals 

 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 8:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 8:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to keep a strict timetable. 

Right now it's. 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 9:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

        September 20 Friday 

 

                    Morning 

 

 

     September 20 Friday morning 

I have to start early morning working on myself and motivating myself to get the work done that I want done. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 9:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have prepared the format now. I just need to focus on what needs to be done. 

 

On 19/09/2024 at 11:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My time table. 

September 19, Thursday. Night. 

I steamed my face well. And now I'll close my eyes and get some good rest. Goodnight to my silly self. 

 

 

On 20/09/2024 at 7:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

     September 20 Friday morning 

Woke up early. 

I woke up. Sleep quality not that great. But okay. 

I'll start my day with positive affirmations. 

 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 3:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

"ground work for therapy." 

 

This should be done before, during and after therapy. 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 4:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So far the approaches that are useful - 

• Music 
• ASMR 
• Steaming the face 
• Vagus nerve healing 
• Somatic responses 
• Mindset change 

 

I finished dinner earlier. And now it's time to prepare for bed. I finished some farm work today. I need to focus on some goals. 

My four primary goals are

Being and living a spiritual life 

Adding more insights 

Being a great wife to my husband 

Being into my feminine essence 

Working on my trauma and CPTSD 

Being more peaceful 

Being more productive 

Working on my energy levels 

Working on my mental illness 

Working on my fitness levels

Learning "bonding energy"

Cultivating my relationship with God 

Getting a great job 

Improving my life 

High consciousness living 

 

 

Edited December 16 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

On 21/09/2024 at 4:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I forgot laughter therapy. 

 

 

On 21/09/2024 at 10:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I forgot exposure and desensitization. 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 9:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hyper vigilance is one of the symptoms of complex ptsd. 

 

I'm tough. I can take this. I'm tough I can handle this. 

Often trauma patients try to fix their trauma with temporary fixes. 

Symptoms of trauma 

• Sleep deprivation 
• Substance abuse 
• Alcohol abuse 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 9:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I submitted my intake form to my therapist yesterday. 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 1:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Another symptom of trauma is overwhelment. 

 

 

Visualization technique can be used. 

 

                        

 

Symptoms that I need to describe to my therapist - 

 overwhelming crippling anxiety

 quick to anger 

 outbursts

breaking things, lashing out

constantly triggered 

 self neglect 

addiction, comfort eating and hoarding

 

Coping skill - an ability acquired over time to beat the problem. 

 

Coping strategies - a strategy of coping and dealing and surviving through the problem. 

 

Coping technique - a method that can be quickly used in the moment. 

 

Coping mechanism - a way by which the problem is dealt with either positively or negatively to somehow or barely cope or survive with the problem. For example - comfort eating. 

 

How should a psychological program be? 

 

goal oriented 

present focused 

active 

brief 

CBT involves restructuring your thoughts. 

Words or CBT vocabulary. 

Automatic thoughts/snap judgements. 

Negative automatic thoughts 

Internalization of thought or past experience. 

Cognitive distortions 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

12 coping  strategies 

 

Strategy 1

 

 

Strategy 2

 

 

 

Strategy 3

 

 

 

 

Strategy 4

 

 

 

 

Strategy 5

 

 

 

 

 

Strategy 6

 

 

Strategy 7

 

 

 

Strategy 8

 

 

Strategy 9

 

 

Strategy 10

 

 

Strategy 11

 

 

Strategy 12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:40 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Strategy 1

Journaling. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 2

Creating and Reciting Affirmations

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 3

Identifying and Challenging Cognitive Distortions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 4

Worst Case Scenario Roleplay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 5

Exposure Therapy

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 6

Challenging Negative Thoughts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

. 

Strategy 7

Setting Goals 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 8

 

Mindful meditation. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:52 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 9

Thought feeling Action Charts 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 10

 

Create an Action plan 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:55 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 11

Self care

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 5:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Strategy 12

Find a Good Therapist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 9:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Father and mother wounds. 

 

On 22/09/2024 at 10:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel deeply nervous about my therapy session. Pre-anxiety. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 23/09/2024 at 11:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Causes of nightmares. Delve into that. 

 

 

Relaxing image therapy. 

 

 

On 23/09/2024 at 4:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How would you create a perfect day? 

I should ask myself. 

                              

 

 

 

 

 

On 29/09/2024 at 6:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My first therapy session went well. 

 

On 29/09/2024 at 6:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Why am I supposed to be so confused between masculinity and femininity? 

 

On 30/09/2024 at 6:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

When something is too good to be true, it's usually bullshit. 

 

On 30/09/2024 at 7:52 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My current specifics - 

• Focus on authenticity
• Integrate masculinity 
• Focus on core principle 
• Integrate anything 
• Therapy work
• Push away both masculine and feminine negativity. Don't absorb this stuff 
• Self development of course 
• Masculine feminine integration 
• High consciousness 
• Being authentically creative 

 

 

On 30/09/2024 at 7:52 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 4 core things that I have identified - 

• First is IQ
• Confidence 
• Emotional and mental health
• Mastery 

 

 

On 30/09/2024 at 8:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

When I look back at myself, there are just so many things that I did that I would consider "immature" and I have outgrown so much. It's incredible.. I still have some masculine energy to integrate and I don't do a good job at it. 

 

On 30/09/2024 at 8:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Inject this thing into my head - 

 

Who you are is what matters. 

Who you are is what matters. 

Who you are is what matters. 

Who you are is what matters. 

Who you are is what matters. 

Who you are is what matters. 

Who you are is what matters.

 

 

On 30/09/2024 at 8:55 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Beyond Self 

Beyond Self

Beyond Self 

 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 9:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If I look beyond the self, everything will just dissolve. Nothing will really matter and that's the kind of state I want to achieve. I interact in the forum everyday but I feel like my interaction is not enough. 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 10:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

This forum is not the entire world although it creates that sort of an illusion. There's also much greater out there and beyond whatever I perceive and see. I should adapt to my surroundings, just in general, know that it's never your fault, even the most miniscule effort you put in, it's worth it in the end. I keep nudging myself forward. I try to make meaning out of my own life. Keep things at bay, things that don't matter to me in the larger context. Everything is contextual after all. It's all hard work in the end that pays off. If there's no path then you carve a path, simple as that. There is no God out there to help you. Be gentle with yourself, keep pushing slightly and you will get there. I refuse to speak more and silence is my new language. I just try to make sense of everything. One thing is to just sit by sidelines and watch stuff as it unfolds, observe, don't rush. Don't tug at it. Keep a firm resolve. Maybe in another era things will be different. Remember you don't have to impress anyone. Just go with the flow and things will fall in place. Write random stuff, start somewhere. 

 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 0:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In a nutshell - every country does what they can for their own survival agenda without having any compassion for another country or people. 

It's also politics in a nutshell.

And that's why politics is dirty and that's why I don't bother with it, because I see all the brutality and I can't do anything to change it. Power is in the hands of corrupt criminal leaders. The least that people can do is vote for a conscious leader who is not into war mongering but even that is difficult to achieve, you can see that with Trump. I ranted a lot about it in the past but here we are once again and Trump is running. So what can be done? Just sit and watch. Or create an organization tha

 

         

One way in which I can change my life today. Think of it. I have been mostly vague lately with very little focus on what's essential. I'm just living but not thriving. Today I learned that I need to set an intention if I want to achieve my goals.

What I earned from the forum today? 

I got this piece of music that is so tantalizing and blissful to my practice. It helped me with my trauma processing. 

 

https://i.imgflip.com/94e4yj.gif

 

 

 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 4:08 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There's no use of interacting too much on the forum. It can lead to distraction from real work sometimes. Of course there are pros and cons. 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 4:12 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Doing your own work is best especially in solitude. 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 7:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to create a mini prototype of the forum in my journal. So I can track my progress chapter by chapter. 

Personal Development 

Spirituality and Consciousness 

Psychedelics 

Society and Politics

Life Purpose and career 

Dating and Relationships 

Health 

Philosophy 

Mental health 

High Consciousness 

Off Topic

 

I can use this for my guided meditations. 

 

 

On 01/10/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to create a daily checklist. 

Personal Development - doing bit by bit 

Spirituality and Consciousness - I learned something valuable yesterday 

Psychedelics - NA

Society and Politics - I want to be less interested in this as time goes by 

Life Purpose and career - I still have to figure out my life purpose

Dating and Relationships - I have a great relationship so far 

Health - I suck at this but getting there 

Philosophy - NA

Mental health - this is my area of focus after spirituality 

High Consciousness  - NA

Off Topic - NA 

 

                          

 

When something generates a prolonged emotional reaction in you, it's called a trigger event. 

Practice productive ways of handling life situations. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 2:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

To increase my self awareness I'll have to play the self awareness quiz. 

One of the best exercises for self awareness is to ask —

What are my thoughts today? 

Answer - 

I'm afraid that people will judge me. It worries me the most. I dislike judgement. I hate it to the core. I hate it more than I hate anything. It bothers me so much that it consumes a lot of my time and becomes a serious obstacle. 

 

1. Create space and time. 

Connect with yourself daily, avoid digital distractions, carve out solitude.

2. Practice mindfulness. Pay attention to your inner state as it arises. Try mindful walking, listening and eating. 

3. Journal your awareness - process your thoughts through writing. Record your inner states. 

4. Practice listening - pay attention to speaker. Observe emotions and body language. Don't judge or evaluate. 

 

5. Gain a different perspective. Ask for feedback. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 03/10/2024 at 3:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

DAILY CHALLENGES 📌 morning.... (Accomplished )

----------------------

📍

----------------------

📍Work on entrepreneurship (research business ideas, study business, work on a preexisting business) for an hour 

----------------------

📍2 hours studying

----------------------

📍2 hour reading

----------------------

📍50 minutes meditation

----------------------

📍1 hour walk

----------------------

📍9 min cold exposure 

 

----------------------

Gratitude exercise

----------------------

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 4:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Early morning I need to do is self awareness exercise. Just observe. Listen. Watch. Don't think. Especially don't overthink. 

 

Keep a self awareness questionnaire ready. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 4:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Self awareness exercise 1 - 

Body awareness. Self attack? How do you feel right now? 

 

 

 

 

Self awareness exercise 2 - 

Look briefly at the podcasts and videos you watch. Are they too random?are they all in one direction? Are you working to one goal? Are they all aligned? Is everything you do going in the same direction? Remove the junk and double down your focus on whatever develops your strength with you. See where that takes you.Be patient to develop that. And all the darkness and all the shadows that you encounter on that path. That's where all the freedom and growth lies. We usually arrive at the point after all the fluffy kind of distraction. 

 

 

Self awareness exercise 3 - 

Write down all categories of self help and then your current status. Or current state. Your life areas or self development areas and the current status or state. Write a description or a tick mark. 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 4:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Self awareness exercise 4 - 

Journaling. Write down your thoughts. Reflect on your goals, emotions and experiences. As well as expectations. This exercise helps you understand yourself better. You'll start noticing patterns in your behavior, it's a journey of self discovery. By writing consistently you gain clarity. You become more mindful and your decision making improves. You become more present. It's a game changer for personal growth. 

 

Self awareness exercise 5 - 

Find a quiet place. Open your mind. Ask yourself 5 questions -

What am I feeling right now?

What is my body feeling right now and how is my mind feeling right now? 

What am I thinking right now and where are my thoughts focused? 

What do I need right now? 

What am I doing right now? 

Who is really running my life right now? Who is in charge? 

 

 

 

Self awareness exercise 6 - 

Journaling

Meditation 

Reflection 

 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 5:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I revealed myself on the forum on July 18. August I don't even remember what I did. Maybe I spent my time on the other forum. There the journal was created on August 1. The first two weeks must have been spent in confusion. The discussion with Leo happened on mmm I don't remember. 

I had asked for a username change request on September 15.

Today is October 2. By September 15 I was still unsure about being on this forum. 

First discussion with Leo happened on July 19th. I discussed my b()n with him. Second discussion happened on August 2 regarding picture. I wanted to upload the profile. Then it was a long period. I was still calculating whether I really wanted to be here. 

My husband started his journal in the same time period. 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 5:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband's last entry was on August 3 on his other journal and the last time he visited the forum was on August 15. August 18th is the day we celebrated as our first anniversary. 

So I began to feel slightly comfortable with this forum only after August 15.

I don't remember any conversations with Leo or incidents in the last week of August. Everything was fine. 

So I was missing on the other forum for the last 15 days of August that I exclusively spent in journaling. 

I don't remember my first interaction with Leo.

Then came September. The first week of September I spent worrying about my name. That's when I slowly stepped out of my shadow. I had to affirm my true identity. I don't know when my family decided therapy. It was just last week so I have to note it down. It was last Wednesday. 

My therapy date has been postponed. 

So I started this journal on September 13 which is kinda odd and I started interacting on the forum since then. It took another 15 days to get used to it and to interact with Leo. 

So I was really active on the forum only in the last 15 days of September. The first 15 days of September were my identity crisis days because I really wanted my name changed. It was bothering me. 

I was trying to settle into the forum in the first 15 days of September. I wasn't interacting with Leo much. 

Anyways now I feel much more comfortable with the forum. 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 5:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The month of August, I really spent a lot of time with my husband as he was my priority. So I alloted an entire month to him.

I was super excited too because it was our anniversary month as well. 

So I gained a foothold on this forum only in the last 15 days of September. That's quite swift. 

Now I wish to focus less on the forum and more on journaling. 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 5:39 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My first therapy session was on September 25. Wednesday. 

Marking it down. 

 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 5:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband started his journal here on July 16th. 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 6:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I used to do 5 day challenges before and it had worked for some time. The goal is to keep a track. I'm mostly going to focus on reading something from the forum. Interacting takes a toll on me. 

 

 

 

 

So the first step would be self awareness. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 6:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

What did I learn today? 

 

How was I productive today? 

 

Today is 3rd October. 2024. 

 

I learned about self awareness exercises. Only mini exercises. 

 

 

• A daily time table 
• A 5 day challenge
• Specfic self awareness exercises
• Progress Report
• Grounding Exercise
• Self Focus 
• Self Awareness and Self Assessment Questionnaire 

 

 

I think when I woke up in the morning the first thing I did was interact on the forum. That needs to be dealt with. Interaction is good but it has its own place and time.

How was I aware of my day today? 

Keep a calendar ready.

 

 

        October 3 Thursday Evening 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 7:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

     October 3 Thursday evening 

 

7.15 pm. 

I have to read from pages 28 to page 50. I have skipped these pages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 03/10/2024 at 8:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I just distracted myself because my husband is sleeping. 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 6:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

          

               October 4 Friday morning 

            

                               6.44 am

I just woke up. And now I need to spend my day productively. 

                               7.29 am 

The first thing I want to do is read a bit on self awareness. 

                               7.45 am 

I get a negative feeling right now. First thing I need to do is purify my mind of such negativity. 

                               8.am 

Interacting with humans is not going to give me the satisfaction that I need. Although I crave human interaction. It feels really boring to just talk to myself all the time especially given that I'm an introvert. 

                            8.05 am 

I found that venting helps. But why do I need to vent in the first place. 

Just stay away from things that hurt my pride or ego and only take genuine feedback. 

                              8.07 am

I like to be on a timer now although it's very pressuring, it's a good way to spend my day. It really keeps me on track. I want to have stricter schedules in the future. 

                                 8.09 am

I saw that this exercise helps my self awareness.

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm on page 53 of this book. 

Major EQ skills - 

I want to take an emotional intelligence test today. An EQ test. 

EQ Skills that I want to work on —

Self awareness

Self management 

Social awareness

Relationship management 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 04/10/2024 at 2:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 3:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 6:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Event - - - - - - - > meaning we give to the event - - - - - - > creates the emotion. 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

When I get a panic attack I shouldn't try to fight it. 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:36 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Did I watch my anxiety level go down? 

Did I rate my anxiety from 0 to 10? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Point 8 from the panic pdf matters a lot. Calming myself down right during a panic attack. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 8:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Another problem is temptation and impulsivity.

There are different aspects to temptation and impulsivity. 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 8:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 7:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

There's too much negativity on this forum sometimes and I should just stay away from it. The thing is my feelings are never stable so being firm is difficult for me. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 7:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Wake up early in the morning and focus on what makes me feel better, not what makes me feel bad. This is my own operation and my own deliberation. 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 8:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today I have booked an appointment with my therapist. So I'm a bit anxious. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 0:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 6:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A little nervous right now. Today is October 5. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 6:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

the only way is removing totally all the identifications of you until absolutely nothing remains. I thought that was impossible, the environment in my family was twisted and rotten in a level very difficult to understand. You have to do a real change, as Leo said, you have to change your genes with your will.

 

In short, the only way for you is the real liberation. Imagine that your energetic structure is a knot of energetic beams tangled over each other. They must be liberated, open to the limitless. This is not a simple work, but from what appears from your text, you are qualified for it.

 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 6:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Panic rules pdf. 

Thought record sheet 

Automatic thoughts sheet 

Unhelpful thinking habits 

Grief process cycle. 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 7:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to be joyful with my husband. 

Past two days have been very productive for me.

I had backache for last 5 days so I couldn't resume my exercise although I still attended zumba class. 

I'm on a positive track at least for 2 days. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 10:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to deeply please my husband. I want to be his perfect wife. I want to do everything in the world that makes him happy. Today we were together and we laughed together so hard, I'm laughing uncontrollably until my tummy hurt. He has a way of making me laugh. He made chicken noises and I burst out in laughter. He is the kindest person I have known and I'm deeply grateful for him. I am so in love with him. I wanted to manifest a wonderful husband for me for months and months. We dated for 3 years and found each other and married each other, it's so beautiful and amazing. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 7:55 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up. 

Need to start work. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 9:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I like this video. It's very motivating. Especially Leo's part in it. It will be my early morning video. I think I'll start my morning with this video and some self expression. 

The opening lines are really good. You should welcome challenges. 

Somehow all these masculine videos are highly motivating. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 10:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to be peaceful in the moment. There are so many things that can make up my morning routine. 

First thing is motivation. Get a grip on your life. 

Some asmr. Just to induce a peaceful state. 

Self awareness exercise. This is a must. 

I have to ask myself certain questions. Like life related questions. What's my purpose today blah blah blah.... 

I'm still not good with my goals. 

The feeling of threat can really block my growth and the feeling of freedom really skyrockets my growth. 

This is an important understanding. It connects to my childhood trauma. I used to go into freeze mode whenever I was threatened or yelled at. My emotions are very subtle. They don't appear that suddenly but subtly here and there. Understanding that there will always be a solution to everything in the world. Why? Because there's light. Spiritual light. There's something out there. That's transcendental. The antidote to everything that's negative. Evil only exists because of negativity. But once positivity settles in, then that negativity just evaporates. 

 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 10:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday my therapist discussed about how I always lived in fight flight mode throughout my childhood. Once I crossed an emotion from level 0 to level 7, that's when I entered fight flight mode. In this mode the limbic system of the brain takes over and we react and respond from a state of fear, disgust, repulsion or trigger. That's what I did in adulthood because that's how I got trained throughout childhood. He made an important point. My whole childhood was survival. Physical survival and emotional survival. So I always responded that way. 

Anytime we're thinking from an emotional state we are making a mistake, because it's purely geared toward survival. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 10:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My therapist also encourages me to journal privately like this. So that helps to deal with childhood trauma. An example. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 04/10/2024 at 2:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 3:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 6:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Event - - - - - - - > meaning we give to the event - - - - - - > creates the emotion. 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

When I get a panic attack I shouldn't try to fight it. 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:36 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Did I watch my anxiety level go down? 

Did I rate my anxiety from 0 to 10? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 7:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Point 8 from the panic pdf matters a lot. Calming myself down right during a panic attack. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 8:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Another problem is temptation and impulsivity.

There are different aspects to temptation and impulsivity. 

 

 

On 04/10/2024 at 8:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 7:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

There's too much negativity on this forum sometimes and I should just stay away from it. The thing is my feelings are never stable so being firm is difficult for me. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 7:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Wake up early in the morning and focus on what makes me feel better, not what makes me feel bad. This is my own operation and my own deliberation. 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 8:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today I have booked an appointment with my therapist. So I'm a bit anxious. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 0:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 6:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A little nervous right now. Today is October 5. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 6:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

the only way is removing totally all the identifications of you until absolutely nothing remains. I thought that was impossible, the environment in my family was twisted and rotten in a level very difficult to understand. You have to do a real change, as Leo said, you have to change your genes with your will.

 

In short, the only way for you is the real liberation. Imagine that your energetic structure is a knot of energetic beams tangled over each other. They must be liberated, open to the limitless. This is not a simple work, but from what appears from your text, you are qualified for it.

 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 6:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Panic rules pdf. 

Thought record sheet 

Automatic thoughts sheet 

Unhelpful thinking habits 

Grief process cycle. 

 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 7:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to be joyful with my husband. 

Past two days have been very productive for me.

I had backache for last 5 days so I couldn't resume my exercise although I still attended zumba class. 

I'm on a positive track at least for 2 days. 

 

On 05/10/2024 at 10:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to deeply please my husband. I want to be his perfect wife. I want to do everything in the world that makes him happy. Today we were together and we laughed together so hard, I'm laughing uncontrollably until my tummy hurt. He has a way of making me laugh. He made chicken noises and I burst out in laughter. He is the kindest person I have known and I'm deeply grateful for him. I am so in love with him. I wanted to manifest a wonderful husband for me for months and months. We dated for 3 years and found each other and married each other, it's so beautiful and amazing. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 7:55 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up. 

Need to start work. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 9:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I like this video. It's very motivating. Especially Leo's part in it. It will be my early morning video. I think I'll start my morning with this video and some self expression. 

The opening lines are really good. You should welcome challenges. 

Somehow all these masculine videos are highly motivating. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 10:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to be peaceful in the moment. There are so many things that can make up my morning routine. 

First thing is motivation. Get a grip on your life. 

Some asmr. Just to induce a peaceful state. 

Self awareness exercise. This is a must. 

I have to ask myself certain questions. Like life related questions. What's my purpose today blah blah blah.... 

I'm still not good with my goals. 

The feeling of threat can really block my growth and the feeling of freedom really skyrockets my growth. 

This is an important understanding. It connects to my childhood trauma. I used to go into freeze mode whenever I was threatened or yelled at. My emotions are very subtle. They don't appear that suddenly but subtly here and there. Understanding that there will always be a solution to everything in the world. Why? Because there's light. Spiritual light. There's something out there. That's transcendental. The antidote to everything that's negative. Evil only exists because of negativity. But once positivity settles in, then that negativity just evaporates. 

 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 10:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday my therapist discussed about how I always lived in fight flight mode throughout my childhood. Once I crossed an emotion from level 0 to level 7, that's when I entered fight flight mode. In this mode the limbic system of the brain takes over and we react and respond from a state of fear, disgust, repulsion or trigger. That's what I did in adulthood because that's how I got trained throughout childhood. He made an important point. My whole childhood was survival. Physical survival and emotional survival. So I always responded that way. 

Anytime we're thinking from an emotional state we are making a mistake, because it's purely geared toward survival. 

 

On 06/10/2024 at 10:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My therapist also encourages me to journal privately like this. So that helps to deal with childhood trauma. An example. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 07/10/2024 at 7:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had promised myself, not much interaction.

 

On 07/10/2024 at 7:08 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm still scrolling through the forum early in the morning which I need to minimize as much as possible. 

Stay true to my work. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 8:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

One question I want to ask myself is - how I want to energize my mornings? 

 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 8:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Positive shaming - every time I see myself in the dating section I will actively shame myself. I don't want to do it. I feel guilty later. 

 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 8:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Dating looks like trash when I look at spirituality. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 9:57 PM, Buck Edwards said:

If someone is obsessed with me, I think I should be happy about it. No? I mean I'm not some celebrity and still some people can't let go, so I should be happy right. I mean how much obsession and animosity can exist out there. I should laugh at it. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Some people's lives are pathetic and sad. All they do is obsess about other people. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Just think about it. Will a person like Sadhguru act like that? That's why I love Eastern people. They don't rile up things like that. You need to surround yourself with high consciousness people like all the time. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Well actually that is the case. 

 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

With advantages there will be some disadvantages too. What can you do about it. Just let go. Be yourself. People from a higher consciousness show Containment, they show mercy and spirit. They show love and understanding. They show appreciation. You can't expect it out of low conscious people. 

 

On 08/10/2024 at 6:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up but with nightmares. 

 

On 08/10/2024 at 9:42 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Love this transformation

 

 

On 08/10/2024 at 9:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today the shaming worked. 

I'm not in the dating section and I did not allow myself to be baited.. I did well. I put a lid on my temper. I'm still looking forward to my next therapist appointment. 

 

 

 

 

On 10/10/2024 at 11:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I still struggle with articulation a bit. 

 

 

On 10/10/2024 at 9:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe I'm too attached to the idea of happiness. I have faced a lot of negativity in my life. If I let go and focus more on the process it might help me? Who knows. 

Make a set of goals. Do exercises. And work towards it. 

All of life is just an illusion. We come into this world thinking of happiness. In the end there's only peace. 

Let the world find peace. 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 6:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up and I did not feel impulsivity. 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 8:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have noticed some patterns in my behavior. 

• A serious lack of love 
• Constant feeling of void 
• A sense of vulnerability 
• I crave acceptance and a sense of belongingness 
• Rejection hurts me a lot 
• My masculinity is not integrated with my feminine 
• I need a leadership role in my life 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 07/10/2024 at 7:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had promised myself, not much interaction.

 

On 07/10/2024 at 7:08 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm still scrolling through the forum early in the morning which I need to minimize as much as possible. 

Stay true to my work. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 8:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

One question I want to ask myself is - how I want to energize my mornings? 

 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 8:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Positive shaming - every time I see myself in the dating section I will actively shame myself. I don't want to do it. I feel guilty later. 

 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 8:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Dating looks like trash when I look at spirituality. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 9:57 PM, Buck Edwards said:

If someone is obsessed with me, I think I should be happy about it. No? I mean I'm not some celebrity and still some people can't let go, so I should be happy right. I mean how much obsession and animosity can exist out there. I should laugh at it. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Some people's lives are pathetic and sad. All they do is obsess about other people. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Just think about it. Will a person like Sadhguru act like that? That's why I love Eastern people. They don't rile up things like that. You need to surround yourself with high consciousness people like all the time. 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Well actually that is the case. 

 

 

On 07/10/2024 at 10:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

With advantages there will be some disadvantages too. What can you do about it. Just let go. Be yourself. People from a higher consciousness show Containment, they show mercy and spirit. They show love and understanding. They show appreciation. You can't expect it out of low conscious people. 

 

On 08/10/2024 at 6:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Woke up but with nightmares. 

 

On 08/10/2024 at 9:42 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Love this transformation

 

 

On 08/10/2024 at 9:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today the shaming worked. 

I'm not in the dating section and I did not allow myself to be baited.. I did well. I put a lid on my temper. I'm still looking forward to my next therapist appointment. 

 

 

 

 

On 10/10/2024 at 11:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I still struggle with articulation a bit. 

 

 

On 10/10/2024 at 9:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe I'm too attached to the idea of happiness. I have faced a lot of negativity in my life. If I let go and focus more on the process it might help me? Who knows. 

Make a set of goals. Do exercises. And work towards it. 

All of life is just an illusion. We come into this world thinking of happiness. In the end there's only peace. 

Let the world find peace. 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 6:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up and I did not feel impulsivity. 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 8:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have noticed some patterns in my behavior. 

• A serious lack of love 
• Constant feeling of void 
• A sense of vulnerability 
• I crave acceptance and a sense of belongingness 
• Rejection hurts me a lot 
• My masculinity is not integrated with my feminine 
• I need a leadership role in my life 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 8:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I also need to make a comprehensive list of goals. 

 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 11:16 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My list of goals 

 

 

My four primary goals are

Being and living a spiritual life 

Adding more insights 

Being a great wife to my husband 

Being into my feminine essence 

Working on my trauma and CPTSD 

Being more peaceful 

Being more productive 

Working on my energy levels 

Working on my mental illness 

Working on my fitness levels

Learning "bonding energy"

Cultivating my relationship with God 

Getting a great job 

Improving my life 

High consciousness living 

Work on my organizational skills 

start my day with positive affirmations. 

Self soothing techniques. 

Causes of nightmares

Learning masculinity and femininity 

 

My current specifics - 

 

Focus on authenticity

Integrate masculinity 

Focus on core principle 

Integrate anything 

Therapy work

Push away both masculine and feminine negativity. Don't absorb this stuff 

Self development of course 

Masculine feminine integration 

High consciousness 

Being authentically creative 

Deep spiritual work 

Self awareness exercises

 

 

4 core things that I have identified - 

 

First is IQ

Confidence 

Emotional and mental health

Mastery 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 11:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to create a mini prototype of the forum in my journal. So I can track my progress chapter by chapter. 

 

Personal Development 

Spirituality and Consciousness 

Psychedelics 

Society and Politics

Life Purpose and career 

Dating and Relationships 

Health 

Philosophy 

Mental health 

High Consciousness 

Off Topic

 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 11:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Timeline building. 

On October 3 I did self awareness exercises as suggested by my therapist. 

 

What did I do on October 4? 

I read 97 pages of the book on EQ. 

What did I do on October 5?

This day  I booked an appointment with my therapist. I was reading the scripts he sent me and I was anxious throughout the day 

 

 

What did I do on October 6? 

It was a Sunday and I felt a sense of fear. Like very anxious. My mind felt blocked. 

This is my entry on that day - 

 

 

Also I journaled a bit with my therapist

 

What did I do on October 7? 

This is Monday. The Timeline on the forum is not set as per my place Timeline. So it's difficult to track because I had made a post in the night probably but it shows as evening. 

So maybe I should put a time stamp on my posts. As my current time. 

 

This day was fully spent being anxious about some people who are obsessed with me. It caused me terrible anxiety. I discussed this with my husband too. He could sense my panic. 

 

What did I do on October 8? 

This Is Tuesday. I felt relieved that the anxiety had passed. I watched some videos to feel better. Some of the days I could not post on the forum because of login or technical issues(wink wink) 

I did positive shaming technique to keep myself away from the dating section. The dating section can be very tempting in terms of low consciousness. Also during this time period I had started a thread on masculinity. 

I also used a positive shaming technique that worked successfully. 

 

What did I do on October 9? 

I spent the entire day looking for spirituality videos and content creators. That was a hugely productive day. I did a lot of work and got exhausted. 

 

 

What did I do on October 10? 

This is Thursday. 

I spent the whole of Monday reading a book on Tantra by Osho and compiling my posts about spirituality from it. 

Then I proceeded to hunt for YouTube channels the same day. 

Monday was October 7th.

Tuesday was October 8th. 

I spent Monday (Oct 7), Tuesday (Oct 8), Wednesday (Oct 9), Thursday (Oct 10) in continously hunting spiritual channels and content creators on YouTube in the Hope to learn some information. It was a tedious task but I completed it. 

 

 

Today is October 11.

 

 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 0:12 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Today is October 11.

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 0:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What do I want in my life - 

 

 

 

- a good morning routine 

 

- great food 

 

- organization of my life 

 

- improving my skills 

 

- a distinct spiritual practice 

 

- working on my mental disorders. 

 

- giving something to my honey 

 

- improving myself everyday 

 

- developing a philosophy for life 

 

- using EET and other therapies 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 3:51 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday and today I have felt really horny which is a significant improvement. I wasn't able to climax. So I stopped my medication. It's been a month since I stopped my medication and my horniness is back. It feels wonderful to want sex again. I have been squirting like crazy. 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 3:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

People are wearing oura ring these days. I don't know how effective it is. I don't like to wear something that tracks me. 

 

Today started out well. But I slept a lot. Which is not good. I masturbated. I I'm not guilty about that. That's okay because I masturbated almost after 2 months. 

I created a bunch of pics for Leo's crocodile contest. I couldn't watch a lot of videos today since I got bored. 

I created my Timeline in the morning. This was incredibly helpful for me to keep a track of my time. I'm now realizing that "every day time" is extremely precious and I should try to schedule it as much as possible and not waste it at all. 

I'm still failing to make a comprehensive set of goals. One thing I have understood is my layout for my future is fully clear right now. Which is a big thing for me. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 6:39 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

My goals 

 

• Work on borderline personality disorder
• Work on autism 
• Farm work 
• Shaktipat
• Kundalini energy work 
• Mental health improvement 
• INFJ personality
• Sigma characteristics
• Law of attraction 
• Manifestation 
• Bryon Katie work 
• Emotional healing
• Focus on getting my health on track 
• Prepare for my exams and tests 
• Cultivate a beautiful relationship with my husband. 
• Heal my sexual repression 
• Become a Tarot reader or pursue as a hobby 
• Tenets of Hinduism. 

 

 

On 11/10/2024 at 6:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This is the (my) most important post right now. I have highlighted the important part that I need to focus on. 

This will be the focus of my life for the rest of my life. Thank you Actualized.Org for sorting it out for me. 

Make a set of goals. Do exercises regularly. Work towards your goals little by little everyday. Have some fun in the meantime and die one day. That's my life summed up. That's all I'm going to do. I witnessed a lot of negativity. And the only solution is to turn to God. And turn to spirituality and my own goals and work rigorously towards them. Nobody is truly happy in this world, remember that. We just carry a mask around. True happiness lies in the heart. When you live Authentically and when you feel that peace in your heart, that's all of life summed up. That's deep satisfaction. Yes, romantic dissatisfaction exists. But it's just a part of life's tapestry. There are so many wonderful things buried deep in the heart that matter more than the obscure side of life. Treasure what's really worthwhile, this time, your goals, your consciousness, your exercises, your life path. 

 

I like how I'm progressing so fast. Faster improvements in last 14 days. The last week of September and the first week of October. I have progressed quite fast. Love this. I have transcended Actualized. Org and I have moved on and left it behind me. I don't need it anymore. I used it for distraction in the years I was here although a lot of growing happened during that time and learned a lot of lessons on communication and people skills. 2023 went in dealing with a lot of traumas. The start of 2024 wasn't great either. OCTOBER 2023 I was still dealing with a lot of guilt from my previous relationship. November and December were the coldest terrible months, too much fighting and family issues aggravated me. My health was really bad during this time. Come January, I thought things will be alright when I was banned from a Discord and it demoralized me completely. It was something I was holding on to.. Then came the worst months of February and March. My mental health steadily declined. There was simply no peace. Just platitudes platitudes platitudes. I swear. Then it was April and I saw some sunshine. It was May, June and July. I was still struggling. With my sexual repression. I engaged in playing video games and tried to forget myself. Because I just wanted to and needed to escape my problems. I had no direction. I was falling apart and using my addictions to not feel depressed. There was deep throbbing anxiety. In July I married my long term boyfriend of 3 years (@Marcel) and since then I have been happy. My life is still not fully on track. My family is fully supportive of my husband. This is October. September was spent in some anxiety over my presence on this forum. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be here. August I spent mostly with my husband, long periods of time. Because we are newly married. So I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. August was also spent in deciding whether I wanted to be in other places which I detested. The end of August was slightly better. September was okay and towards the end of it, my family decided that I needed therapy for depression. My first appointment was booked on September 25.

 

On 12/10/2024 at 3:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up in the middle of the night. It's October 12. I am not feeling that great. My husband felt a bit anxious too. I'll let him sleep now. 

I'm wondering what I can do right now. I want to plan the day ahead. Transcendence is an important aspect of spirituality. 

I drank a glass of water and relieved myself. 

Now I'm just sitting on my bed and thinking. Wishful thinking. Self expression should also be spirituality. It comes from the spirit. I want to write copious amounts on spirituality. I also want to work on manifestation and the law of attraction. 

 

On 12/10/2024 at 3:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I canceled my therapist appointment. I will resume it when I show some progress. 

It's gonna be Saturday. I need to recharge my mom's phone. And I'll make some more notes. I think I'll paste my notes here in the p section. The forum can be a distraction sometimes. Topics that are quite inflammatory, same old, same old. I should know better by now. Avoid too much of the dating section. It's people reflecting their anxieties and frustrations. Resume my work. Find more comprehensive goals to work on. Find stuff to read. Involve and engage myself positively in the pursuit of a beautiful life. Live in grace. God should protect me. I also want to write a bunch of prayers so I feel anxiety free. I want to set up a morning routine. I also want to make and plan my day in such a way that most of my tasks are spiritually oriented or there is some spiritual element to them imbued in them. That would be nice. 

 

On 12/10/2024 at 4:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm blessed. I feel blessed. I live in grace. I forgot that this journal could be hate followed. Anyway. 

Reminds myself that I shouldn't embroil myself into the negative patterns of the world. 

I should say to myself often that I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband. I feel blessed. I should spend my time in love more than anything. 

I can also import from my private diary. Or my other journal and paste it here. I should add more to my journal. The dating section has turned into a rampant garbage of sorts. I should dissociate myself from it, it's not healthy for me. Every comment is wild. And collect my notes from my private Notepad too. 

Also I need to add more to my list of goals. 

 

On 12/10/2024 at 4:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Goals and reminders. All I need to know. Remember empowerment. You have a powerful grip now, you know that. 

 

On 13/10/2024 at 3:43 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had quite deep thoughts today. The thoughts were like currents going through my body. Maybe indicative of something. I don't know. I fell asleep. Today is Sunday and I'll start with my 5 day challenges again. Today I was a bit tempted to debate again. Well there was an attack on my self respect. So I didn't tolerate it and I did well. It's not okay to be treated like that. This and everything else about society takes me more and more in the direction of spirituality. In the direction of mystery. I think I should focus more on authentic communication. Think about a mysterious high consciousness world where people understand and grasp each other's intentions quite well. Imagine a stream of consciousness. 

 

On 13/10/2024 at 4:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A high vibe communication is so beautiful in itself. A low vibe communication brings everything down. Learned an important lesson today. 

 

On 13/10/2024 at 9:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want my husband to hold me like that. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 14/10/2024 at 5:43 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up but I had nightmares. I wish I could get this shit under control. 

 

 

On 14/10/2024 at 11:02 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Just focus on myself for a while. Completed some tasks today. Everyday time is precious. 

 

On 14/10/2024 at 5:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had nightmares again. I don't remember what it was about. Maybe I heard gunshots or something. 

 

On 14/10/2024 at 5:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Isha banned him. 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 6:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Doooooooo dooooo dooooo Doooooooo. 

This is so strange. 

 

 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 6:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Life is not just an accumulation of beautiful experiences though. 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 6:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband is on a hiking trip. Blesses him. 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 6:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There are animals there where my husband is hiking. 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 6:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband. @Marcel

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 15/10/2024 at 7:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had series of nightmares over the last few days. I have been in a bad mental state. I'm waiting for the day when my situation is improves. 

I try to write as much as I can. At the same time I want to follow spirituality a little strictly. I have been doing this for so many years now at sluggish speed, never really getting there. My family is a huge distraction and that pisses me off. Someone from my family is always calling me on the phone. So I never focus on what I truly want to do. And the hours of the day are not enough. Everyday is a huge drag. Part of the problem is that my sleep quality sucks. I wish I had a better therapist. The therapist I was assigned talks endlessly and never really gives me the opportunity to talk. I'm tired of switching therapists. By now I have tried a couple of them. But to no avail. It's the same old same old. I need to get a grip on my distractions. 

A lot of my time and consequently life is spent in Anxious thinking. I am constantly worried about something without really knowing what I'm worried about. I want ACT, CBT, DBT and a bunch of other therapies. I need a mindset reset. 

So far the only good thing is my diet. Apart from it, everything else, especially my state of mind sucks. 

And my autism takes a huge toll on my memory. 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 7:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

First like I promised myself, a comprehensive set of goals. 

 

 

On 15/10/2024 at 8:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

@Marcel I also like this one hun.

 

On 16/10/2024 at 7:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

@Marcel I love you. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 7:03 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Waits for my husband to come back. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 11:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I slept like a log. I have understood that the core source of my anxiety is people. I don't feel peaceful around people. I feel rattled. In fact I can't even tolerate my own family, and that includes my mother and other members. Whenever they call me my heart jumps out of panic. I think I grew up in a Hyper controlling childhood and that completely scarred me. I feel lost. I tried very hard to program my brain to feel normal but I just don't feel okay. There's tremendous anxiety. I feel like being in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber. I am sick of the childhood trauma I went through. I am sick of meanness and constant judgement. I'm sick of the toxicity I was constantly fed. 

I have reached a point where if someone even calls me I get panicky. 

I hope my CPTSD doesn't get worse. 

My subconscious is telling me that I should go into a corner and cut off everyone from my life. And be alone in my Spiritual path. Everything feels like an over stimulation. This could be my autism. 

My therapist is not helping me because he wants sessions too fast without giving me any time to improve. He expects improvement in a couple of days which is way too fast for me. I always need at least 12 days before I can contact him again. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 11:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My mind has negative thoughts. And I have to struggle against these thoughts. This is a hard struggle. Days go by and the thoughts don't go away. I guess this is a symptom of CPTSD like my therapist told me. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 11:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I still feel ashamed of how I easily got blackmailed and I wasn't tough enough. My weakness got the better of me. Those events two years ago still haunt me. But I have improved. I give stronger responses. I try not to panic. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 11:29 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I still pay my bills on time. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 2:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Afternoon and my mood is a bit better. 

 

On 16/10/2024 at 5:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

October 14- 15. 

Not feeling that great. But okay. 

 

On 17/10/2024 at 6:28 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I just woke up but still had nightmares. 

 

 

On 18/10/2024 at 3:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had nightmares again and I'm very frustrated with the content of my nightmares. 

 

On 19/10/2024 at 6:47 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up and I didn't get any nightmares. So that's great. 

 

On 19/10/2024 at 7:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think this was the only night when I didn't have nightmares. 

 

 

On 20/10/2024 at 3:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

On 20/10/2024 at 4:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Count my blessings whenever I see a mean comment. 

 

On 21/10/2024 at 9:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

It's Sunday. It's fun day. Watches a movie right now.. 

 

On 21/10/2024 at 8:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Forums are so passe sometimes. 

 

On 21/10/2024 at 9:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I love this video. It calms my inner baby down. 

 

 

On 21/10/2024 at 9:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I really don't appreciate when people talk about BPD when they don't know what BPD really is. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

On 21/10/2024 at 11:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

5 ways to deal with a BPD person 

• Argue with them 
• Give them lot of space when they are venting or escaping 
• Comfort them when they are not resistant 
• Communicate with them as much as possible 
• Leave them alone when they don't want to talk 

Things to not do with a  BPD person 

• Do not violate their boundaries 
• Do not escalate their frustration 
• Do not escalate the situation 
• Do not panic 
• Do not fight when they are venting 
• Do not invade if they want to be alone 
• Do not comfort them if they don't want it in the moment. 
• Do not ignore them if they are directly communicating 

 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 8:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up early today. 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 8:41 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Famous real hauntings. 

The Smurl Haunting. 

Amityville story 

 

 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 0:38 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 3:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I did have nightmares again. But it was fine. I forgot the content though. 

These days a lot of time I see my ex in my nightmares. It's so weird. 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 3:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My family has assigned me a new therapist. I canceled the older one as he was too chatty and didn't really get to the root of my problems.

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 4:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I shouldn't bother myself with too much thoughts. But I should also take my life seriously. 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 4:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Looks like I have transcended a lot of stuff in my life. 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 6:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't even talk to my family members sometimes. 

 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 7:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I noticed that I do a lot of "getting away from things."

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 7:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel like sometimes I can even speak to mountains. Because it's better than spending time with people. I'm naturally introverted and avoidant. I don't purposely go out and seek company. I live by my own self and on my own terms. I get to eat and I have a roof over my head. 

 

Whenever I complain about petty stuff I don't realize how petty they Really are. Imagine if I suffered the most in the world working in a sweatshop and coming home tired and having 10 kids at home. Just thinking how pathetic my life would have been. So am I not lucky that life has given me so much yet I go through life like a drunk ass. 

I should be grateful. The things that I complain are just minor in the long shot. 

People tend to provoke me a lot although I like to spend time among people especially strangers. 

I see more value in a practical life than in an online persona. 

 

I don't know. Maybe I need sunshine. Maybe I need a new therapist. 

 

Maybe I need mountains. Why are people so hostile to each other? I will never understand. Isn't life already bad enough on its own?

 

So much of my life was spent in loneliness, depression and misery.

Then I'm clouded with thoughts and fears about my future? Where is it in this modern world? I feel lost sometimes. 

Lonely. Lonely.. Drunken loneliness. Yet I feel peaceful within. I feel best to cut off bonds when people don't really care to understand me. 

So much life in despair. 

 

 

On 22/10/2024 at 7:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

As a BPD, I have an escapist mentality.