Alcoholic Father

[Butters]

I posted this yesterday but I would like to turn it into a journal thread instead: 

Quote

 

The first time he was in the hospital was this summer. He had been drinking and then he blacked out in his home and lay there on the floor for 4 days before the police broke in. Then he was in a coma in the hospital. Then he awoke again and he recovered. After a month or so he was back home and doing well. 

Unfortunately this time is much different. He was doing quite well until he started drinking again a few weeks ago. He was found by the police in his home confused and taken to the hospital. He is confused, making up facts. He is quite unpleasant, the worst version of himself it seems. The doctors say he's had a delirium and some sort of infection. Not really sure. 

The first time was much easier to stomach for me because of the timeline. He didn't wanna die, and he fought for his recovery. We all cheered for his recovery and he recovered. it seemed like such a positive story. This time it's like his soul is completely gone, no more spark in his eye, only a shimmer of his absolute worst version. The version I always despised growing up, the version that's an alcoholic. 

I've done a lot of thinking and I understand that from an absolute perspective none of it is his fault (the drinking, his behavior etc.). But I also understand my own position. As the child of an alcoholic parent you have to take on so much, it's not fair. 

I find it very difficult to visit this version of my dad at the hospital. The version that is just dark, soulless. He seems completely gone, just stuck in a loop of material thinking, cut off from source. There's no self awareness from his end, nothing really comes in. At first I didn't wanna visit because I was really annoyed that we were all there supporting him last summer and then he drinks himself into the hospital again, which seems like such a lack of respect or acknowledgements to those around him who care for him. But then I actually saw him yesterday and it's just ... nothing. Just an empty shell. 

Now I don't feel blame or guilt, I just experience ego backlash. Needless to say I've been making enormous leaps forward in my personal development and consciousness lately, and this is how the universe works and tests us. 

 

In this journal I will write some thoughts about my dad. I've already gone through years of blame and hatred and anger and I'd like to think I'm towards the tail end of this but that took me years of personal work. I'm building my own future where there's no room for guilt or negative feelings about this, but at the same time I must allow feelings right now to transscent it in a healthy way. 

I can't hurry his physical death. I think the test is to stay on track with my goals and in tune with my feelings, raising my frequency, while still acknowledging the situation as it is. Or am I wrong? Because what I've been doing lately is simply ignoring all of my current circumstances in favor of the feelings of grattitude of my future circumstances, and that system has worked tremendously for me. My dad being in the hospital was the only physical situation that was able to pull me into this ego backlash. 

Actually there were other situations too, but I simply removed myself from them. Here, I'm not able to remove myself from the sitaution entirely. The situation will keep reocurring until perhaps after his funeral. So it is up to me to deal with it gracefully. 

My only responsibility in life is to raise my frequency. But at the same time it would be nice to deal with the "unwanted" gracefully. 

But this might be a bit of a fantasy. A story where I tell myself  "everything in my life was going perfectly well until my old frequency came back in the form of my dad drinking himself into the hospital". So, my dad passes and life is all roses? No. Then there will be something else that triggers me. It could be an intimate relationship, it could be the ignorance of lower spiral stages, it could be evil in the world seemingly directed towards me. So the trick is to deal with this. 

Comments are welcome in this journal. 

[Butters]

I would love to ignore it entirely. I've noticed how thinking about my goals all day, raising my frequency and meditating, working on my business, that's the sort of thing that makes me feel fantastic. I've been able to ignore everything in this way and I take pride in my ability to be so independent and focused. Making this journal and giving it any mental space seems like a stupid idea. Why would I hypnotize myself (napoleon hill calls it hypnotic rhythm) into something negative? I should be brainwashing myself with positive thoughts, like I've been doing for these past weeks. And then this happened. 

But in my physical reality this situation is un-ignorable. So I'd like to ignore it vibrationally, if that's even possible.