My dad is in the hospital again

[Butters]

The first time he was in the hospital was this summer. He had been drinking and then he blacked out in his home and lay there on the floor for 4 days before the police broke in. Then he was in a coma in the hospital. Then he awoke again and he recovered. After a month or so he was back home and doing well. 

Unfortunately this time is much different. He was doing quite well until he started drinking again a few weeks ago. He was found by the police in his home confused and taken to the hospital. He is confused, making up facts. He is quite unpleasant, the worst version of himself it seems. The doctors say he's had a delirium and some sort of infection. Not really sure. 

The first time was much easier to stomach for me because of the timeline. He didn't wanna die, and he fought for his recovery. We all cheered for his recovery and he recovered. it seemed like such a positive story. This time it's like his soul is completely gone, no more spark in his eye, only a shimmer of his absolute worst version. The version I always despised growing up, the version that's an alcoholic. 

I've done a lot of thinking and I understand that from an absolute perspective none of it is his fault (the drinking, his behavior etc.). But I also understand my own position. As the child of an alcoholic parent you have to take on so much, it's not fair. 

I find it very difficult to visit this version of my dad at the hospital. The version that is just dark, soulless. He seems completely gone, just stuck in a loop of material thinking, cut off from source. There's no self awareness from his end, nothing really comes in. At first I didn't wanna visit because I was really annoyed that we were all there supporting him last summer and then he drinks himself into the hospital again, which seems like such a lack of respect or acknowledgements to those around him who care for him. But then I actually saw him yesterday and it's just ... nothing. Just an empty shell. 

Now I don't feel blame or guilt, I just experience ego backlash. Needless to say I've been making enormous leaps forward in my personal development and consciousness lately, and this is how the universe works and tests us. 

[Butters]

I've decided to turn this into a journal thread: 

 

[Michael569]

I'm sorry to hear that , dude. I've got a raging alcoholic in the family and I can absolutely understand how you feel when they slide back after some time of recovery. I've seen that story over and over. 

The lies about not drinking. The morning blackouts blaming everyone that they are "making stuff up", endless gaslighting of people in the family, the glassy eyes promising they "just had one" , the clinking of bottles when you open a random cupboard, the disgusting breath, the shame and anger that makes you want to kick them and punch them into blackout..

Someone once said to me "once an addict, always an addict". After years I have come to accept that that's how it is.

I am trying to unconditionally love this person but I am finding it harder and harder. Maybe that's what you're trying as well and it isn't easy. 

Just remember they don't do it to harm you, they do it because they can't help themselves. The way their brain operates they have zero contorl and zero willpower. Just don't make it your purpose to try to change them. Help where help can be given but focus on your own life and keep this lesson with you the whole life, channel into how you raise your kids and the parenting you give them (the one you wish you had). Nothign else is in your control. 

if it starts impacting your own life too much, start cutting ties slowly. Move abroad or at least move out of family home. 

Take care! Hope you're well. 

Edited December 12 by Michael569

[Butters]

3 hours ago, Michael569 said:

The lies about not drinking. The morning blackouts blaming everyone that they are "making stuff up", endless gaslighting of people in the family, the glassy eyes promising they "just had one" , the clinking of bottles when you open a random cupboard, the disgusting breath, the shame and anger that makes you want to kick them and punch them into blackout..

This was daily life for me between age 11 and 18. The worst part was that to the outside world, he looked like a victim. His alcoholism enraged me as a teenager so I'd throw stuff and unleash my anger just to get attention. To the outside world this poor single father was the victim of this out of control teenage son. Disgusting. This made me never feel sorry for an adult man in my life, get over yourself. 

3 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Just don't make it your purpose to try to change them.

I've given up on this a while ago. But after his last hospital, it appeared that he was really making an effort. Part of me still wants to see that human side of him. But it didn't last very long. Besides, I don't know what's real anymore. Was everything just appearances? Who knows. 

3 hours ago, Michael569 said:

if it starts impacting your own life too much, start cutting ties slowly. Move abroad or at least move out of family home. 

I've done this on multiple occasions. Go without any contact, and I moved abroad twice, which I later realized was probably related. 

Good luck with your family member Michael. I think the best position to get to is to not let is effect you any longer. To me it no longer sends me into a tailspin of anger but it still can make me regress into overeating, watching porn etc. 

[Hojo]

Ask him if he wants to die and ask him if he wants to take shroom before he dies. Theres nothing to lose. When I was alcoholic I was doing it because I was very scared of dying and drinking was the only way I could turn my brain off 

[Raze]

Tell him to get ifs therapy and try Andreas nlp 

[Butters]

@Hojo @Raze these are nice suggestions but not realistic or relevant at this point. He's likely going to be diagnosed with Korsakoff syndrome. 

This period is interesting to me. After the anger came sadness and acceptance. It's also quite interesting that now family and friends of his hear about his alcoholism for the first time, in a sense that gives validity to my perspective. 

[Hojo]

@Butters Yea you cant stop someone from doing something. Sucks but thats the way it is. You could drug him and force something on him if he won't it could save his life but highly illegal.

[Butters]

@Michael569 I have another question, maybe you could give perspective on. Since I was young my dad would not take care of himself and the house would be a total mess and I'd feel ashamed to the outside world. This hasn't changed. He gets cleaning service for his house but these women stop showing up after 1 or 2 times. Later I learned that he just walks around naked and things like this. He had a female friend visit him in the hospital and he did the same thing just a few days ago. That's why I'm so sick of it cause you can't help him at all, he keeps fucking shit up like this. Do you think that he does this on purpose? Like a big "fuck you" to "the outside world"? Any other person would put on pants first. 

This sort of behavior makes him play away any empathy people might have for him, or their willingness to take care of him. And then he goes back into the victim role saying he feels so lonely. 

He probably has some sort of autism too, but that's not an excuse. He almost definitely has neurological damage, but unsure when that even started or what it is exactly. 

Last week I was able to see this situation from God's perspective and it is very interesting, as God shows unconditional love and understanding for all different ways I see and feel about him and the relationship. But my ego doesn't, and these things will probably continue to bother me. I try to be indifferent, which seems to work best. 

Edited Tuesday at 11:46 AM by Butters

[Michael569]

@Butters it sounds like your dad needs a psychiatric support. I doubt you would be able to convince him to get that tho. The alcohol with its known neurotoxic damage doesn't help either. I'm sorry you're going through this during Christmas dude, thats reallty fucked up. 

We can't choose our family and who we get born. We can tolerate our parents but if they are dysfunctional it is not our job to fix them. From the sound of it, your best way is to create some sort of distance. If you can afford a solo rent, I'd highly encourage that, perhaps even change country / city. It is an escapism but you won't be able to fix him and you don't wanna ruin your life trying to... not sure how old you are, where you live, what your financial situation is etc. have you finished school already? Do you have a job? 

P.S. this is just my opinion but I wouldn't  mess around with non duality and gods perspective right now. your priority should be to get out of there and figure out how to live your own life without getting pulled into family drama too much. Spirituality won't help a mentally unstable alcoholic, I'm sorry to say that but it won't. 

Edited Tuesday at 02:38 PM by Michael569

[Butters]

1 hour ago, Michael569 said:

@Butters it sounds like your dad needs a psychiatric support. I doubt you would be able to convince him to get that tho. The alcohol with its known neurotoxic damage doesn't help either. I'm sorry you're going through this during Christmas dude, thats reallty fucked up. 

We can't choose our family and who we get born. We can tolerate our parents but if they are dysfunctional it is not our job to fix them. From the sound of it, your best way is to create some sort of distance. If you can afford a solo rent, I'd highly encourage that, perhaps even change country / city. It is an escapism but you won't be able to fix him and you don't wanna ruin your life trying to... not sure how old you are, where you live, what your financial situation is etc. have you finished school already? Do you have a job? 

P.S. this is just my opinion but I wouldn't  mess around with non duality and gods perspective right now. your priority should be to get out of there and figure out how to live your own life without getting pulled into family drama too much. Spirituality won't help a mentally unstable alcoholic, I'm sorry to say that but it won't. 

Yes I know these things, I'm 35 and I've lived on my own since I was 18. I really feel I've already gone through most of the  process and my emotional attachment now is about 1 percent where it used to be 100. 

It's more like a post mortum analysis for me at this moment. I know to distance myself from it emotionally. 

[Michael569]

@Butters ah fair enough, seems like you've done all you can. Yeah, in such case a curious introspection seems like the right thing to do. I have yet failed to unconditionally love that person in my family but I've learned to make better peace with it than i had in my 20s.