Torn Between Truth and Family: A Heart-Wrenching Dilemma

[Sandhu]

I'm trapped between my true self and family ties. Raised in a traditional Pakistani Muslim household, I've intellectually escaped religious ideology but still feel emotionally bound. My family knows I've changed but thinks I'll return to faith – unaware of my inner turmoil.
Living with them means living a lie – forced to participate in religious rituals like offering daily prayers, fasting, and observing traditions that suffocate my soul. Every gesture feels like betrayal to my own beliefs, yet outward conformity maintains family harmony.
Living this double life exhausts me: outwardly polite, inwardly rebellious. Revealing truth would unleash outrage, fury, and irreversible relationship damage. Yet continuing this facade suffocates me – cognitive dissonance tortures my soul.
I'm torn between two unbearable paths: suffer shattered relationships by revealing truth or slowly die inside maintaining this illusion. Desperation whispers: abandon family to save myself. Am I selfish to consider this, or necessary for self-preservation?

 

 

**Note:** This post was drafted with the assistance of AI to ensure clarity and accuracy of emotions.

[BlueOak]

Summary of the below:

Personally I would see it as a cause for growth and move out. I would remain open to talking to my family and if I lived in a particularly religious community I would keep up with advanced metaphysical studies on religious texts, and use that as a vehicle for my own development but also to meet any questions or queries with something that will open up their own minds, while preserving my own standing in that community.

Let's look at this from a few perspectives.

1, Why do you consider religion to be a lie? Its no more a lie than me looking at a tree and saying tree, or your avatar and saying Sandhu. Sure the way religion is taught in your average church is somewhat limited but it can create a code of conduct to live a life by and harmonise a community if that community is able to be harmonised. 

If you want to consider religion beneficial for a moment, you could flip this and look at its communal aspect. If you want to take it as a vessel for enlightenment, there are scholars of the bible for example that have delved quite far into its metaphysical aspects, I haven't looked into it much but I assume for your family's religion the same exists.

2, Another perspective would be, to move out now and things are usually easier with distance.

3, You are experiencing a contrast, and to achieve what you seem to want, to stay living with your family, while pursuing some conscious development, this is what that contrast feels like.

4, You could alter the belief around the word lie. I indicated this a bit above. Recently, i've had to relax my own definition of the word lie, to allow for people to manoeuvre a bit more freely in their interactions with me.

5, Consider that you are not the only one that visits a place of worship and doesn't go for anything else but appearances and for other reasons (such as community/family), this may make doing so easier.

 

Edited December 11 by BlueOak

[RightHand]

The answer is simple : find a way to move out and become independent! 

[ChrisZoZo]

@Sandhu surrender in the fact you have to do these religious activities. 

This means stopping the mind from making it seem like a bad thing. To do this you probably need to put doubt in to the beliefs that make up the negative feelings.

If your family is forcing you into a box you don’t want to be In don’t be “sorry” for them. In this world we have to go against some peoples ideas of how the world should be. If we don’t the world is ABSOLUTELY guaranteed to end in a nuclear holocaust.

A commitment to truth is a great love of this earth.  

[QandC]

7 hours ago, Sandhu said:

I'm trapped between my true self and family ties. Raised in a traditional Pakistani Muslim household, I've intellectually escaped religious ideology but still feel emotionally bound. My family knows I've changed but thinks I'll return to faith – unaware of my inner turmoil.
Living with them means living a lie – forced to participate in religious rituals like offering daily prayers, fasting, and observing traditions that suffocate my soul. Every gesture feels like betrayal to my own beliefs, yet outward conformity maintains family harmony.
Living this double life exhausts me: outwardly polite, inwardly rebellious. Revealing truth would unleash outrage, fury, and irreversible relationship damage. Yet continuing this facade suffocates me – cognitive dissonance tortures my soul.
I'm torn between two unbearable paths: suffer shattered relationships by revealing truth or slowly die inside maintaining this illusion. Desperation whispers: abandon family to save myself. Am I selfish to consider this, or necessary for self-preservation?

 

 

**Note:** This post was drafted with the assistance of AI to ensure clarity and accuracy of emotions.

Sounds like you already got the answer, my friend. 

Create a contrast in your mind - between the life you have now, and the life you could have. Be motivated by this vision, and take very, very small practical steps to move toward the vision. You'll realize that by you already placing your vision as a tangible option in your life, you'll get a different perspective on your current situation. It's like as if you're struggling through a very difficult week, but you know that by the end of the week you will go on a date with your crush. Suddenly the 'pain' of your daily struggle becomes less intense. Cus' you can contrast it with something else

 

[Letho]

@Sandhu So off the cuff, there's zero distinction between truth and family, there is only a distinction between the truth of reality and the truth of you.

For truth, seek and remove falsity and the rest will work itself out. By saying there is a distinction between truth and family it means on some level, you view yourself incorrectly because the distortion is a defensive reaction to low self esteem that may have been created by unconscious familial dynamics however you are the only solution to its resolution otherwise you'd be out of this mess already. We all come from unique backgrounds with their own set of individual dilemmas and the way to address them is not in modulating our relationship with truth but having the courage to live it fully. You'll make mistakes, be humble accept that you're not master at it yet, and have compassion plus the resilience towards intelligence when you do make mistakes, but don't judge a "whole army of fools as an army of fools", regardless as to any partial validity it has because by equal validity it has invalidity relative to the gap in growth you're still yet to make.

Sweep your own porch and take responsibility for your own bullshit rather than projecting it onto your family, families let their counterparts get away with unconscious dynamics because of their tolerance in earlier years however for any progression from the individual, set or sum of therein within or external to a family structure, self-intolerance by some measure in spite of noted compassion must also simultaneously pre-exist in order to have your reticular activation system (RAS) better notice anything that resembles a higher path of personal integrity in order to subsequently from the future looking back be grateful you had the wisdom to do just that.

You're trying to hold two imaginary balls in your hand, truth and ____Fill blank space with illusion here___ . The very fact that you're entertaining any second ball means you're by definition excluded from the first and only have deluded perception that you're holding it because you're struggling underneath to handle the dissonance more in relation to personal strength and personal weakness that for both you're still learning to articular the definitions and corresponding parameters to. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. But you must be honest with yourself about what is accurately in front of you otherwise you won't be able to move forward with the same level of honesty. The distortion is a survival mechanism, which is fine we need those sometimes, but you have as far as I can tell all the time in the world to not have to act like a monkey with two coconuts in its hand oblivious as to what to do with in a jungle with them.

Sincerely, sit down, take a breath, everything is okay, you know what you need to do deep down upon deeper and longer introspection. Just avoid false trades by taking the time to only positively reinforce higher consciousness maturity within yourself.

All the best, throw the saddle on the horse, jump on, do your light kick and away your go with your elevated wisdom.

Edited December 12 by Letho

[Sandhu]

@Letho Thank you for sharing your profound insights. However, I feel your words, though wise, gently miss the mark – my conflict isn't entirely internal illusion vs truth, but a heartbreaking external dilemma: choosing between embracing my authentic self and potentially losing the family I love and owe so much to. Their influence shaped me positively before our ideological rift. Can one still honor truth while navigating beloved family ties, or is separation inevitable?
For me, family isn't just a bond – it's a core value that resonates deeply. Leaving them would mean starting life from zero, erasing decades of love, support, and shared history. As important as growth and truth are to my soul, family is equally essential – can these values coexist peacefully, or must one surrender to the other?

[Sandhu]

@QandC exchanging familiar family bonds for authentic selfhood isn't akin to awaiting a exciting weekend date; more like relinquishing lifelong roots for uncertain solo growth

[Sandhu]

12 hours ago, ChrisZoZo said:

@Sandhu surrender in the fact you have to do these religious activities. 

This means stopping the mind from making it seem like a bad thing. To do this you probably need to put doubt in to the beliefs that make up the negative feelings.

If your family is forcing you into a box you don’t want to be In don’t be “sorry” for them. In this world we have to go against some peoples ideas of how the world should be. If we don’t the world is ABSOLUTELY guaranteed to end in a nuclear holocaust.

A commitment to truth is a great love of this earth.  

Honestly, surrendering to religious rituals feels like living a lie, even if it's just on the surface. My heart rebels against pretending to believe something I don't – compromise like this would eat away at me, no matter how outwardly peaceful it keeps things with my family.

[Letho]

@Sandhu you used ChatGPT to understand my perspective instead of showing respect by taking the time to introspect on my supposedly endlessly wise thoughts.

As much as truth is absolute, its absoluteness also mirrors the truth of its adaptability. The truth here is that you need to follow your authentic self while being honest with your family in a way that isn't stupid, or you have to deal with the emotions that are involved in either not telling them more than creates genuine trouble or telling them but with the intelligence that creates the wisest outcome. However right now, you have to be honest and simply admit that you can't do either, as you're using ChatGPT to articulate what you yourself haven't taken the time to develop an authentic opinion on. So how do these two worlds match: (1) I am being my authentic self + (2) I am selecting between the answers of ChatGPT that best align with the patterns of my consciousness that I haven't yet written down and reflected on to get to the bottom of these worlds.

Your problem here as articulated, is not in resolving this real dichotomy, as it does not exist as I processed, it is in determining the truth of you itself, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking questions still doing nothing more than pattern matching to ease the pain as opposed to confronting that pain with vulnerable courage and working through it via something like Vipassana meditation.

I am sorry moderators if you find my response disrespectful, I am just trying to give the truth of the situation given by equal measure he finds it okay to give premium cow milk responses milked from technology as opposed to baring the truth of what's happening underneath in his own farmland. I am not trying to hurt this user in anyway, I am trying to help them face the truth of themselves to dig deep and find the truth that makes sense of all worlds inclusive to intelligently respond in the healthiest way possible. It is his choice if he wants to respond and @Sandhu I will not be offended if you choose not to reply however I will be slightly annoyed if you at the very least, don't face me with the full truth that is the correspondence of your deepest reflection. If your unconscious is automatically organising your perception in a way whereby it's acceptable to you to share people pleasing responses in this case towards me because you're unable to express yourself authentically because maybe there's a lot of emotions underneath that you haven't yet learned to deal with and that's the real truth here that upon addressing the truth would reveal itself to you, in what world 🌎 does it make sense that you're not going to also try and use ChatGPT before you speak to your family once ChatGPT has created a voice version for you so you can just press a button when you're in the family kitchen with everyone around while pointing to the speaker saying "See! See everyone! This is how I feel while trying to do my best not to hurt anyone", it's impossible is it not?

Take a deep breath, the answer is in how your subconscious is organising reality, you've learned social patterns that have programmed you to distort the world within and the social world thereby creating false dichotomies like I'm talking about. I have plenty of things within my heart ❤️ that I have struggled at times to articulate to my family, however the truth was always to figure out how to do it in a way that respected the most intelligent (inclusive of maturity) resolve of the situation that I had learned to date even when there were times especially in my teen and pre-teen years when I struggled with this. This didn't give me a license to pretend that the truth was something different other than developing the maturity to process my emotions and relay my intellect appropriately to my family, no, the truth was that I still had more inner work to go, that my family also had its issues and that I obviously wasn't going to be able to have the awareness until I got a bit older. I am trying to impress upon you that you should neither waste your time nor my time in the illusion that we somehow have endless time to speak about this subject when I have given you my perspective. Please move on if you're unable process my words for yourself on an authentic level that involves your own personal processing and that finishes with conclusions where you understand the words I have expressed. 

Sincerely, regardless I genuinely wish you the best 🙏.

Edited December 12 by Letho

[ChrisZoZo]

2 hours ago, Sandhu said:

My heart rebels against

You can. The point is rather to not allow your mind to suffer something that is only suffering because you make it so. 

[Leo Gura]

@Sandhu How old are you?

Moving out from under your family is a crucial aspect of this work. You have to develop towards living on your own. You can still see them and relate with them, but your daily survival should not be held hostage to them or their ideology or their value system.

Working towards financial independence should be a top priority for you. This enables you to live by your own higher values. Otherwise you'll always be a slave to someone else's corrupt lower values.

Hatch a plan to increase your financial independence, and as soon as you're able, move into your own place.

Edited December 12 by Leo Gura

[ryoko]

Everyone goes through this phase, man. 

What can they do? They don't know any better, all they have is the conformity of others doing the same thing around them. 

Your reality needs to be stronger than theirs. My advice: immerse yourself in building yourself so that they can't coerce you anymore into doing things. Nobody complains a soldier didn't pray at the time because he was fighting in a war and killing his supposed enemies. Why should anyone coerce you at all?

The battle is between whose truth is more integrous. And if you're struggling, use it as a catalyst for your growth. Force yourself to grow out of that old reality, in every way.

Edited December 12 by ryoko

[Nemra]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Hatch a plan to increase your financial independence

☝️is the actual solution.

Meanwhile, don't open yourself up to your family.

Keeping secrets can save your life, as your parents might not view your open-mindedness positively, especially when they are religious.

Knowledge is power. Sometimes you have to or will want to keep secrets for your entire life.

Edited December 12 by Nemra

[Alex4]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@Sandhu How old are you?

Moving out from under your family is a crucial aspect of this work. You have to develop towards living on your own. You can still see them and relate with them, but your daily survival should not be held hostage to them or their ideology or their value system.

Working towards financial independence should be a top priority for you. This enables you to live by your own higher values. Otherwise you'll always be a slave to someone else's corrupt lower values.

Hatch a plan to increase your financial independence, and as soon as you're able, move into your own place.

What if your parents aren’t intrusive, like in the OP’s case? Living with them and saving up is the fastest path to financial independence. In the US, moving out while single isn’t a big deal it seems because you have higher wages. But in my country, it’s a luxury, it means spending over half your salary on rent or sharing a place with strangers. I think we should strengthen family bonds and stop relying on banks or making greedy landlords richer. 

[RightHand]

22 minutes ago, Alex4 said:

 or sharing a place with strangers. 

Do that! You learn so much about autonomy, responsibility and boundaries when you live with roommates.

Edited December 12 by RightHand

[QandC]

6 hours ago, Sandhu said:

@QandC exchanging familiar family bonds for authentic selfhood isn't akin to awaiting a exciting weekend date; more like relinquishing lifelong roots for uncertain solo growth

So what do you wanna do then? Cut them off if you have to. Or perhaps you don't truly want to. 

[gettoefl]

Whatever bad happens in life is the karma you need to take on the chin and surrender to

Else you are postponing it

It's for your benefit not your demise

Your time will arrive and you will be happy

[Sandhu]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Sandhu How old are you?

Moving out from under your family is a crucial aspect of this work. You have to develop towards living on your own. You can still see them and relate with them, but your daily survival should not be held hostage to them or their ideology or their value system.

Working towards financial independence should be a top priority for you. This enables you to live by your own higher values. Otherwise you'll always be a slave to someone else's corrupt lower values.

Hatch a plan to increase your financial independence, and as soon as you're able, move into your own place.

I'm 20 yrs old, currently working and earning enough to live comfortably on my own. However, cultural expectations weigh heavily here – as the only son, family responsibilities fall squarely on my shoulders. My elderly father contributes minimally, leaving me to support my mother, sisters, and grandmother. Abandoning them emotionally scars both sides – leaving isn't just about my freedom, it's about ensuring theirs too. Your point resonates deeply: earning enough to support them while living separately might be my path to freedom.

[Sandhu]

4 hours ago, Nemra said:

Meanwhile, don't open yourself up to your family.

Keeping secrets can save your life, as your parents might not view your open-mindedness positively, especially when they are religious.

Knowledge is power. Sometimes you have to or will want to keep secrets for your entire life.

I know. But then you live a half life. 

Edited December 12 by Sandhu