What do I do? (urgent, please help)

[Tristan12]

@Sincerity It's hard to understand exactly what you're saying, because I don't know if I have the right idea about the things you're talking about and what you're referring to.

Both you and @QandC say the following thing:

9 hours ago, Sincerity said:

Your wish to "die and become God" indeed is misguided.

On 12/11/2024 at 7:08 PM, QandC said:

You dying is not you becoming one with God.

I'm assuming you're talking about physical death here. That's what I was referring to originally. My idea of what happens once the physical body dies is that the ego dissolves, you leave the dream of life, and you merge with God and infinity, like a water drop falling into the ocean. That is my idea of what happens when you die from what I've learned about spirituality. If this is wrong, then please explain what happens after death.

9 hours ago, Sincerity said:

You believe you have to kill yourself to become one with "God". Well, don't you think that if you believe this is the way, you will be unconsciously directing yourself to suffering forever, like you've done up to this point? 

9 hours ago, Sincerity said:

you'd feel like an idiot when you see that it was all for "nothing"?

All of the suffering I've been through over the years has led to me developing a connection with existential love, and when I access existential love, I can feel my ego fading away, and the love getting stronger, and that effect increases more over time as I suffer more. It feels like I have been meant to stay stuck in suffering for years to chip away at my ego, and connect me to existential love. All of this has also made me significantly more interested in the spiritual path, and I'm barely interested in material goals at this point (beyond what's needed for basic survival).

It's clear to me that I've gotten a lot of spiritual development out of the suffering I've been through, I have a strong intuition that all of that was meant to happen and that's why I've suffered so much to begin with, so it doesn't resonate and I don't agree when you say that I have the wrong idea about needing to suffer, or that it was all for nothing.

9 hours ago, Sincerity said:

you need to stop hoping for an ultimate awakening after all your suffering. It will not happen. This is an illusion.

How do you know? Isn't it a common occurrence throughout history that people go through massive amounts of suffering, which ultimately leads them to a massive awakening one day? I have already gotten a lot of spiritual development from the suffering I've been through. Of course I don't know if it would lead to a huge awakening or not, but I don't see why it would be unreasonable to think that it might.

I don't think that more suffering and then a massive awakening needs to happen at this point, but I'm just saying that I don't think I'm unreasonable to have suspected that it might.

[Tristan12]

9 hours ago, Fountainbleu said:

Ayahuasca is just an opener for you- now it's up to you with the new tools you've acquired to keep bringing them into your life.

That's what people keep saying, but I don't understand what that means. I spent years doing emotional work on myself without psychedelics before ever doing ayahuasca. Now that I've done it, I don't feel any different, and I am back in the same place of having to do sober work.

9 hours ago, Fountainbleu said:

you can always call on the plant spirit of mama aya, she's with you forever now.

That's good to know

[Adrian colby]

@Tristan12 hi tristan12: when psychedelics open your mind, you see the light ( symbolically speaking) when you come back to life here, you are in an enlightened state where everything is balanced. The ego and your old thought patterns which may still be unknown or unconscious /subconscious to you, will creep back in a few weeks or months later. That’s why the contentment disappears and thus is because you haven’t caught the ‘thoughts’ that lead to the emotions that make you feel like the world is not worth it. It is inherently meaningless but that’s not because it’s cold and dead, it’s because it is a blank slate for you to ‘create’. If your thoughts are negative or self deprivating, the associated emotions will follow. Don’t put responsibility in the psychedelics, take responsibility back for yourself and regain your own power. Turn that ‘love’ back on yourself. Use it to heal yourself from the inside. Allow yourself to l really love yourself again and regain that independent confidence. Regardless of what is going on around you, build the strength within. Liberate your mind from its negative thoughts and generate something positive for yourself. From that place of personal contentment you can venture out and create a purpose of passion for yourself. Don’t mind what others say to you at this time. You can deal with that later. Find something to love and be passionate about again. I understand completely and also feel this desire to leave the human life behind but there is so much to do here and this life is so short it will be over in the blink of an eye. You can teach all you have learned while perusing something you love.just love yourself first. And remember the universe loves you too. In oneness, I love you and hear you. 

Edited Sunday at 12:04 AM by Adrian colby

[Fountainbleu]

On 12/14/2024 at 3:54 PM, Tristan12 said:

That's what people keep saying, but I don't understand what that means. I spent years doing emotional work on myself without psychedelics before ever doing ayahuasca. Now that I've done it, I don't feel any different, and I am back in the same place of having to do sober work.

That's good to know

Did you have any insights while on the medicine? What did you learn? Start implementing that into your life- in other words, now the 'real' work starts.

[Tristan12]

17 minutes ago, Fountainbleu said:

Did you have any insights while on the medicine? What did you learn? Start implementing that into your life- in other words, now the 'real' work starts.

Not much honestly. Most trips were very bodily, like a lot of physical discomfort, vomiting, groaning, and then the more mental or emotional trips I had were mostly different forms of purging (crying, groaning, shaking, etc). The few insights or realizations I had weren't really things that I could apply to my everyday life. 

I took very deep and extensive notes on my trips, and spent hours writing out trip reports, so I have record of what happened and I could go back and look at them, but off the top of my head I can't think of anything I learned that I could apply to my everyday life, at least anything that would help me heal. But maybe it would be valuable to look through my trip reports and contemplate what I could apply from my trips to my everyday life, and maybe I could get new ideas for tools I could use from that.

[Fountainbleu]

1 minute ago, Tristan12 said:

Not much honestly. Most trips were very bodily, like a lot of physical discomfort, vomiting, groaning, and then the more mental or emotional trips I had were mostly different forms of purging (crying, groaning, shaking, etc). The few insights or realizations I had weren't really things that I could apply to my everyday life. 

I took very deep and extensive notes on my trips, and spent hours writing out trip reports, so I have record of what happened and I could go back and look at them, but off the top of my head I can't think of anything I learned that I could apply to my everyday life, at least anything that would help me heal. But maybe it would be valuable to look through my trip reports and contemplate what I could apply from my trips to my everyday life, and maybe I could get new ideas for tools I could use from that.

Maybe it wasn't the best medicine? Not enough DMT? Working with a reputable center is super important. I know after my first ceremony it just felt like a really strong marijuana high. i mentioned that to the facilitator and they seemed to tweak it or use a different plant (there's many different kinds of Ayahuascas) and it was a totally different experience, that's when I really started to experince the magick of Aya. Don't know if you sat with the Shipibo's but they are the surgeons, they go in there and start working on the most essential parts of your being/body/mind. Huni Kuin for example is a lot of dancing and singing (including participants), I've been told it's more of a therpay versus the deep deep work done with the shipibo's. I should also mention I did 7 ceremonies in the span of 2 weeks, if you only did 1 ceremony sometimes it takes more than 1 to fully understand the experience and learn how to work with it.

I should also mention, maybe you did grow/heal from it but your just not letting yourself notice it? If you tend to think negatively for example, that's a possibility. 

[Tristan12]

1 hour ago, Fountainbleu said:

Maybe it wasn't the best medicine? Not enough DMT? Working with a reputable center is super important. I know after my first ceremony it just felt like a really strong marijuana high. i mentioned that to the facilitator and they seemed to tweak it or use a different plant (there's many different kinds of Ayahuascas) and it was a totally different experience, that's when I really started to experince the magick of Aya. Don't know if you sat with the Shipibo's but they are the surgeons, they go in there and start working on the most essential parts of your being/body/mind. Huni Kuin for example is a lot of dancing and singing (including participants), I've been told it's more of a therpay versus the deep deep work done with the shipibo's. I should also mention I did 7 ceremonies in the span of 2 weeks, if you only did 1 ceremony sometimes it takes more than 1 to fully understand the experience and learn how to work with it.

I should also mention, maybe you did grow/heal from it but your just not letting yourself notice it? If you tend to think negatively for example, that's a possibility. 

I went to one of the highest rated ayahuasca centres out there. They were great. Their shamans were Shipibo, the centre was in the Amazon in Peru. https://www.arkanainternational.com/

I was there for 5 weeks. I did 16 ayahuasca ceremonies, 6 Bufo ceremonies, and a plant diet for one week. I had a lot of issues connecting with the medicine at first. I tried to control the trips too much, I would think too much, it was hard for me to surrender.

Things only started to work for me in my last week there, and I had a series of ceremonies with massive amounts of purging.

I have an idea of why the healing might not have stuck for me. I think it has to do with parts of me resisting other parts, and not allowing the emotions to integrate. It's surprising because I thought ayahuasca would have been intelligent enough to notice that and resolve that, but maybe I was still controlling too much and still had issues connecting with the medicine.

Over the past week I've been using my prior psychology knowledge + working with psychedelics to try and get an understanding of why my healing didn't stick, and I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with it. So I'm hoping I'll be able to heal myself.

Even though the healing didn't stick with ayahuasca, I worked with it for so long that surely it must have healed me in some ways. Maybe there was healing done at a much deeper level that I'm not aware of, and I need to take care of my main emotional issues with the work I'm doing now.

I don't think me losing my results has anything to do with negative thoughts. When I left the retreat, a lot of my emotional issues were gone, but a few days later they started to come back, and I didn't change anything about how I was thinking or the kinds of thoughts I was having.

[Fountainbleu]

@Tristan12 Just sent you a message.