What do I do? (urgent, please help)

[Tristan12]

3 hours ago, RightHand said:

You are not alone in this, brother. There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Please take care of yourself.

Read the book Conversations With God if you have time, God can help you overcome your pain.

Thank you 

[shree]

@Tristan12

Don't waste your money on Better Help.

 

Check out Teal Sean's Completion process.

There are many certificated practicioners that can guide you through.

I think it's worth the price.

 

[Tristan12]

3 minutes ago, shree said:

Check out Teal Sean's Completion process.

That's the process that I worked with for 4.5 years (I stopped in August). I started using it, it didn't work for me, then I spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how to make it work, making my own versions of it, and I eventually had to stop because I was going to end up killing myself if I didn't do something else. I know that working with a practitioner would probably be different, so that's an option I guess.

My main problem right now is that the healing I get doesn't stick. I had a really deep and profound healing experience one time in 2020 when I was toying around with making my own version of the completion process (although I was never able to recreate it) the healing I got with it was deeper than some healing experiences I've had with psychedelics, and I felt totally different after, but a few days later, the results were gone.

Then as I said before, I got a ton of healing from ayahuasca, and from a mescaline trip I had, but the healing faded away a few days after those experiences as well.

I really feel like there must be a part of me that is resisting the healing. I became aware a few years ago that I have a wound of powerlessness on top of my shame/abandonment wound. What that means is that I have a lot of resistance to the shame I feel, because it makes me feel deeply powerless when I feel it. I always figured that was the reason why the healing didn't stick with my experience in 2020.

With ayahuasca, I figured the medicine would have been intelligent enough to recognize and resolve any blockages like that that I might have, so it's strange to me that my results still didn't stick.

.

It doesn't make sense to me why the healing doesn't stick when I get big emotional releases on psychedelics. Childhood trauma is created when a child goes through an intensely difficult emotional experience, they can't handle it on their own because there is nobody there supporting them, and so they dissociate, which separates the painful emotion from their conscious mind, and suppresses it, with the intention of revisiting and releasing it later. If there was a parent there to comfort the child, the emotion could be processed and released, and there would be no lasting trauma.

Because of that, it would make sense that all you would need is to cry out and process the blocked emotion, so there would be no need for healing to take months or years, you just need to be able to access the emotion buried in your subconscious. That's what I did with that experience I had in 2020. The purging lasted maybe 10-20 minutes and I felt like a totally different person after.

Psychedelics allow you to get into your subconscious mind, to access and purge these difficult emotions, so if I can feel through and process these emotions on psychedelics, why would the healing not stick?

People say that psychedelics show you what's possible, and then you have to work towards it sober, but if that's the case, then it's kind of weird how that happens. For example, when I'm on a psychedelic, I process and release emotional pain. I cry, I yell, all of that, and then I feel so much better, and it lasts for a few days. If psychedelics want to show me what's possible, wouldn't they just bring me to positive emotional states in the trip that show me how I could feel? What's the point of doing all of that purging if it's apparently not actually real purging?

To me, it doesn't make sense that psychedelics couldn't heal you, even in a short amount of time, and it doesn't make sense that the purpose of them is to show you what's possible, considering the purging and apparent healing that happens.

.

I feel like the most important thing for me to do to be able to heal at this point is to figure out why my healing doesn't stick. I think there must be a part of me that is resisting and preventing it, so I think what I need is parts work or potentially IFS. I also want to get back in touch with the staff at the ayahuasca retreat I went to, to see if they have any advice. The fact that I spent 5 weeks there and spent as much money as I did, only for my mental health issues to still be as bad as they were before, that doesn't seem right, and I wonder if they would let me come back without charging me.

[shree]

@Tristan12

I can really see how much you’ve done to heal, and I get how frustrating it must feel when the results don’t last. It’s not easy to keep going when you’re putting in so much effort, so I really admire your determination.

I’d still suggest trying a Completion Process certified practitioner, even just once or twice, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Here’s what’s helped me personally:

A. Low-dose Psychedelics

Taking smaller doses of longer-lasting psychedelics, lying on the floor in a dark room, and just focusing on my emotions. I’d find where I felt them in my body, relax into them, and breathe through them.

B. Teal Swan Meditations

Her guided meditations and visualizations helped me process things I couldn’t get to on my own.

C. Inner Child dialoguing on a paper

D. Affirmations Before Sleep

Listening to inner child affirmations before bed (like Jessica Heslop’s on YouTube) has been great for reprogramming deep beliefs.

E. Focusing on My Life Purpose

Getting clear on what I really want in life and working toward it step by step.

For me, working on self-love (removing all the blocks to it) and building my life purpose made the biggest difference.

I’ve struggled with toxic shame, depression, and anxiety for most of my life, but these steps have helped me a lot. They didn’t make everything perfect, but they’ve made me a much stronger, healthier person.

I am sure you can figure out what works best for you.

 

[Sugarcoat]

9 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I don't know, I've been very resistant to the idea of taking medication for a long time. I'd almost rather be dead than start taking that. Even if I did start taking it, I would feel like such a failure considering that my life purpose is in psychology, it's about creating healing techniques, and I plan on coaching people and teaching on YouTube, yet I will have been incapable of healing myself after years of trying, and I will have ended up having to resort to medication. Lol. It could potentially keep me alive, but at that point I would really struggle to want to be, because it would feel like such a slap in the face to have to resort to medication when I've been determined for years to figure out how to heal myself at the root. I already barely want to live even without that.

Ok I see

[Davino]

12 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Psychedelics allow you to get into your subconscious mind, to access and purge these difficult emotions, so if I can feel through and process these emotions on psychedelics, why would the healing not stick?

Because there's so much more healing to do. The trip does as much as it can do, but 7years of trauma cannot be purged in one trip or by tripping alone. It just takes around as much time as it took to destroy yourself to heal yourself and psychedelics do speed that process.

Quote

I've been very resistant to the idea of taking medication for a long time.

Given that you are so bad that you cannot even work you could consider taking medication to get enough relief so you can have a normal job, earn decent money and then leverage yourself out of the situation. Consider this possibility seriously, sometimes we have to lose before we win. Being too puritan won't help you, it seems you gotta earn money in whatever way you can and use part of your income to heal yourself in the way. Meds are gonna help you stay calm and focused during work, till money comes for clearing your debt while addressing your problem at the root. Open your mind to such possibility, afterwards you can toss them out

[ChrisZoZo]

@Tristan12 Choose life many people have been just like you and made a full recovery. I was depressed also but not as much as you and it’s now 99.999% gone. 
 

If you choose life know that you have no choice but to work incredibly hard on yourself. I recommend inner smile, just be by moojiji, saying thanks in prayer or other, invitation to freedom. 
 

Watch this,

 

Even when you depression is there u can still be happy as you don’t suffer it anymore. 

[Sincerity]

19 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I wouldn't say that I hate myself. I don't love myself, but I generally like myself as a person, and self-hatred isn't something I've ever really struggled with. I hate being alive in this human life, because the suffering is so immense and it doesn't end.

"I like myself as a person" but "I hate being alive in this human life"... 

How about we get clearer on what it is that you hate, which is weaving your never-ending suffering.

1) Reality in front of you, experience --> No. I'm certain you don't give a fuck about what is actually happening - speaking from experience. All suffering is spun in the mind and it is always referring TO the mind. Your feelings are never actually referring to reality (good to contemplate).

2) A general idea of yourself as a person --> No. Alright. Ideas and fantasies are cool, but what about actual you?

3) A general idea of God --> No. Okay. What about actual God?

4) "This human life with its immense suffering" --> Supposedly this. But what is this actually referring to? I guarantee it's not reality/experience - again, if you observe you can notice that you're never actually hating reality which is real life. You're hating YOURSELF. But what are YOU? 

Really think about it. What is it that you hate? You say you hate human life, but what is "human life"? What are you referring to? Is it not YOU?

You're confused. You don't even realize you hate yourself. Hatred is not just hating the idea of yourself as a person. You don't hate the idea, but you hate YOURSELF! Your idea of yourself is detached from the reality of you, same as your idea of God from actual God.

You like the idea, but hate the actual thing...

Seriously, think about it. What do you hate? And what are you?

19 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

If you're saying that this human life/reality is God and so in that sense I hate myself/God, then okay, but when I say I want to become one with God, I mean I want to stop existing as a finite self, I want to leave this world/this dream of life, I want to become one with the Godhead, and not suffer anymore.

See above. You like the idea of God as some emptiness or whatnot, but hate yourself and disregard actual God right in front of you.

19 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I'm suffering because I have/am an ego and I exist as a finite self, and suffering is created by trying to maintain that sense of self, and I want to die so I don't have to suffer from that anymore.

"I want to die so that I don't have to suffer"...

Brother. You'll stop suffering once you start to want to LIVE.

By hating yourself, resisting and wanting to die you are only INCREASING your sense of self. Resistance is the ultimate "fuck you" to everything and closing yourself in your shell, away from God, peace, happiness. As long as you want to die, you will be suffering. You are getting exactly what you want. You're using your intention for this. HATING YOURSELF.

Decide to change your intention NOW, if you REALLY want to LIVE IN PEACE. 

I know it's a leap, but you can make it.

19 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I kind of understand what you're saying, and I kind of agree with it based on what I think I'm understanding, but I'd appreciate if you could explain what you mean further.

As above. Your intention is bringing you exactly what is supposed to bring. You want this and you're getting it. So become clear on your intention and motivations. And then change if you want.

19 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I've thought about that, but it's hard to care at this point. I realize it's stupid if i'm just going to end up reincarnating back into a similar situation. I don't know 100% if that would actually happen, but even if it did, the pain gets so bad at times that I still want to end things, and not just not think about the repercussions of it. I know how stupid that is, but when the pain gets so unbearable, I don't care about anything but getting immediate relief

"Immediate relief"... yeah.

The time to change this attitude is now. Until you don't stop banging your head against the wall, you will be banging your head against the wall. Why not stop now, instead of after 100 more hits?

The time is NOW. End your suffering NOW. THIS lifetime, not a future one. You have what it takes.

Your "problem" is purely spiritual. Start NOW and you'll be better of in no time. Get clear on your intention and you'll change so fast it'll be miraculous. In fact, you'll feel the effects immediately.

---

I see myself in you. I went through some dark fucked-up periods where I had no hope and was also hating EVERYTHING. I had my suicide walk to a bridge. I destroyed items from my past, all my notebooks, photos, etc.. I fantasized about stabbing myself all the time.

You have a sincere heart. I believe in change. And I believe in you.

#NoMoreLifetimes

Edited December 11 by Sincerity

[QandC]

On 2024-12-10 at 1:27 AM, Tristan12 said:

I'm in an extremely difficult life situation and I'd really like some advice on what to do. There is so much I could explain, but I'm going to try to keep this relatively short and just get to the point.

So I've been suffering from extreme mental health issues for the past 7 years. It has been absolutely unbearable, and the suffering gets deeper and deeper as time goes on. I've spent the last 5 years trying to heal myself by making my own trauma healing technique, but I never succeeded with it. I finally decided to stop working on it, because I was going to end up killing myself, so I decided to go do ayahuasca.

I spent 5 weeks around October this year doing ayahuasca. It ended up helping me tremendously and I felt totally transformed. Once I left the retreat, a few days later I lost almost all of my results, and they haven't returned since (it's been a month now). A week ago I had a really amazing mescaline trip that I felt I got a lot of good healing from, but then two days later the results were gone.

I've gone through so much suffering and spent so much time trying to heal myself, almost 5 years, then I finally decided to throw in the towel and do psychedelics, just to stay alive, and now even after 5 weeks of ayahuasca I'm still in the same situation I was in before.

I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining this, but you have NO IDEA how exhausted I am and how much I hate being alive. The fact that after all this time and effort, I still can't heal, I am so done, and I want more than anything than to be dead and put out of my misery. 

As a side note, over the years, as I've suffered more and more, I have developed a really deep connection to existential love. I can feel it and access it very easily, and I've come to realize that developing that connection has been the point of everything I've been going through, and that's helped me to hang in there. But it's gotten to the point where I don't care about that more and I just need this pain to stop, and I want to die. I hate being alive with a passion.

I've been thinking though, considering that I haven't been able to heal even with psychedelics, and thinking about this connection to existential love i've been developing over the years, I wonder if the way this chapter of my life is supposed to end is for me to have some kind of massive awakening, to merge with existential love. I feel like if I could stay in my physical body, but be totally dead inside, I would be happy, and I wouldn't suffer anymore.

Because of this, I have been thinking, maybe if I take a large amount of 5-MeO-MALT or 5-MeO-DMT and have complete ego death, maybe that would help me. I don't really expect that a state like that would stick, but maybe it would heal me in some way? Either way, if I was to do something like that, I know it would not be easy and it would totally terrify me and traumatize me. My ego is so sensitive and fearful that there is no way it would let go without putting up a fight, despite how much I hate being alive.

I really don't know what to do in this situation, so I'd appreciate general advice, but I'd also like advice on the psychedelic thing, on if people think going for ego-death would be helpful to me, even if I have to go through a terror trip to get there.

I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there.

@RendHeaven going to tag you here because you suggested a large dose of malt to me before, and it kind of got me thinking, so I'd appreciate your advice as well

You're clearly not spiritually mature enough to take any psychedelic. 

A psychedelic is anything but a quick fix. Ground yourself in current, material reality. Your wish to 'die and become God' is ridiculous. 

I'm not saying this to put you down. I've been there and having premature insights and awakenings is the opposite of infinite bliss

[Tristan12]

2 hours ago, QandC said:

You're clearly not spiritually mature enough to take any psychedelic. 

A psychedelic is anything but a quick fix. Ground yourself in current, material reality. Your wish to 'die and become God' is ridiculous. 

I'm not saying this to put you down. I've been there and having premature insights and awakenings is the opposite of infinite bliss

I've developed a deep connection to existential love from all the suffering I've been through over the years. It gets deeper and deeper over time and so I feel like I have good reason to suspect that this chapter of my life might be meant to end with a massive awakening.

What I wrote about using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening, that was just an idea. It doesn't mean I'm actually going to do that, or that I've been trying to do that with psychedelics in the past. I don't think I'm too spiritually immature at all to be taking psychedelics.

How dare you say my wish to die is ridiculous. I'm in an incredible amount of suffering, I have been for years. If I desire to die, to leave this world, become one with God, then that's how I feel, and I don't appreciate you saying it's ridiculous.

I don't care if you didn't mean to put me down. You don't speak to a highly suicidal person like that.

[QandC]

32 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I've developed a deep connection to existential love from all the suffering I've been through over the years. It gets deeper and deeper over time and so I feel like I have good reason to suspect that this chapter of my life might be meant to end with a massive awakening.

What I wrote about using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening, that was just an idea. It doesn't mean I'm actually going to do that, or that I've been trying to do that with psychedelics in the past. I don't think I'm too spiritually immature at all to be taking psychedelics.

How dare you say my wish to die is ridiculous. I'm in an incredible amount of suffering, I have been for years. If I desire to die, to leave this world, become one with God, then that's how I feel, and I don't appreciate you saying it's ridiculous.

I don't care if you didn't mean to put me down. You don't speak to a highly suicidal person like that.

If you make a radical post like this, expect to get radical answers. It seems as if you are connecting death with awakening, which is a big trap. You dying is not you becoming one with God. You talk about an idea of becoming one with God, a wish that you want to be realized, a certain state where you think suffering will end. Awakening is not an idea, nor a 'future hope for bliss and unconditional happiness'. Awakening is an extremely slow process of deconstructing yourself. Psychedelics should be used as an extra tool to help guide your path.

For example, if you want to get better at socialising, you can take a shortcut by snorting a line of amphetamines... you'll be the most social person in the room. But then you have to come down and end up with your real self. OR you can realize that there are no shortcuts that lasts, and start working on your social skills through dedicated practice.

I'm sorry to hear that you are suicidal. I've also been. I was clinically dead for a few minutes, after an OD of benzos, hand sanitizer and cocaine. I also wanted to die because I thought that everything is meaningless, and so I might as well just take the shortcut of dying and become one with God right? The disconnect, the gap, is way too big. Ground yourself in actuality. Not any idea.

[Tristan12]

On 12/10/2024 at 2:10 PM, mmKay said:

That being said, what tipped me over the edge was seeing the topics you cover on your YouTube channel in the context of what you're sharing with us here.

It's absolutely obvious to me that your difficult situation has immense potential -- not just for personal evolution, transformation, and healing, but most importantly, for the impact you can have on others who are facing the same challenges as you are right now.

Just imagine the magnitude of the difference you could make for people who are RIGHT NOW, at this very moment, going through something very similar to what you’re experiencing -- if you only manage to be strong enough to learn the powerful lessons locked behind this challenging chapter of your life. It’s almost poetic.

That's why I’d like you to connect your current emotional suffering with the suffering of thousands of other people who are in your very shoes right now. Imagine the pain and suffering of those people who are wishing for someone like the wise and mature future you to help them out. 

I want to invite you to be strong -- not only for yourself, not only for everyone who has ever cared for you, not just for me (I’m sort of sticking my neck out here for you), but most of all, for all the people your story and service can impact throughout the rest of your long life. 

Of course, I have no idea if this aligns with the life purpose you’ve mentioned, but it’s what I intuit -- correct me if I’m wrong. If you got emotional at all reading any of this it's a good indicator on it being true, at least to a degree.

Who knows? What if you deliberately incarnated into this very situation to work through these challenges, learn the lessons they hold, evolve, heal, and help others do the same? What if there’s no escape and you’ll continue facing exactly the same challenges for ever, until you fully embrace them and finally grow? (Just food for thought -- don’t take this too seriously.)

This means a lot to me, thank you. I forget that I have my channel linked in my signature, and honestly it's kind of embarrassing that I have videos talking about psychology and emotional healing, when I've spent years trying to heal myself and haven't succeeded, and I'm barely surviving. But it means a lot that you still view it in a positive light, and you see my potential. I think I'm too hard on myself expecting myself to be some psychology master when I'm 24, and on top of that the extreme emotional issues I've been dealing with over the years have definitely made me a lot less effective at my work than I could have been. 

Your response reminds me of my potential, and I know I could do something really profound with my life and my work down the road if I manage to hang in there, and as you said, learn the lessons that this chapter of my life is trying to teach me.

On 12/10/2024 at 2:10 PM, mmKay said:

I do not recommend taking an excessively large dose. It is bound to cause a strong ego backlash and potentially destabilize you by giving you a glimpse of an unsustainable state of consciousness. It’s unlikely to result in much permanent steady improvement, which is what you need right now. Also It may be challenging to face certain things psychedelics point out to you if you're not very proficcient at using your mind and coping with emotions, so ideally working on that first would prepare you.

Yeah, I don't think what I said in my original post about a large dose of 5meo would be a good idea, so I'm not going to do that until I get better. But I do plan to continue to work with psychedelics in smaller doses, for healing and emotional release, along with other kinds of work to try and figure out why my healing isn't sticking, and hopefully that will allow me to resolve things.

Thank you for your response

[Tristan12]

On 12/10/2024 at 2:44 PM, Francis777 said:

@Tristan12 Did you grow up around narcissist's by any chance?

No, I didn't

On 12/10/2024 at 2:44 PM, Francis777 said:

You keep saying pain, pain, pain, but can't seem to pin down exactly where its coming from.  Seems as if you have a deep distrust with yourself which is actually blocking you from seeing what the actual problems are. In such case no amount of "tough" effort to heal is going work if you still can't figure out exactly what your feeling and why.

I asked if you have relationships with narcissist's  because I've got narcissists in the family and I've noticed the effect on me of how difficult they make self diagnosing. Not always in the way of doubting yourself either, but in being too sure of yourself that you cut of avenues you don't even know your cutting off because their self-assertiveness has rubbed off on you, it can be very subtle.

I say it that way because the pain I experience is so complex and coming from so many different sources. It's become this way over time as my primary issues became more severe. The pain of it all seems to have broken down and degraded my mind to a point where every little thing hurts me and causes me suffering, and it's all so intricate and complex. I could articulate exactly what causes me pain, how I experience pain on a daily basis, where it comes from, but it would take a massive amount of writing to do that, which is why I haven't written it here

On 12/10/2024 at 2:44 PM, Francis777 said:

Not implying that's what's happening, just all this to say, you seem very set on how you want to live your life at the very young age of 24, how do you know that you can be sure that this is what you really want? Maybe the reason you cant move forward is because you secretly don't want what your moving towards and the resistance to that pursuit is the pain itself. Feeling torn can be a very painful experience.

The plans I have for what I want to do with my life are based on my passions and what I love. There isn't anything else that motivates or interests me more (at least that I've discovered so far). This comment makes me think of parts work though. The idea of exploring your mind to see if there are parts of you with opposing feelings and motivations, that may be holding you back or creating resistance, and working with them to create harmony. I think this is what I need to figure out why I haven't been able to heal and why my results aren't sticking, but I think this could be useful for me in other ways as well, to get a deeper understanding of my psychology.

[Tristan12]

@shree Thank you. I especially like what you said about psychedelics. I used a foam roller on one of my recent trips and I feel like that really helped me to release a lot of blocked emotions in my body. I think what you suggested is another good technique to use

[Tristan12]

On 12/11/2024 at 6:28 AM, Davino said:

7 years of trauma cannot be purged in one trip or by tripping alone. It just takes around as much time as it took to destroy yourself to heal yourself

I don't think so, for this reason: 

On 12/10/2024 at 5:51 PM, Tristan12 said:

Childhood trauma is created when a child goes through an intensely difficult emotional experience, they can't handle it on their own because there is nobody there supporting them, and so they dissociate, which separates the painful emotion from their conscious mind, and suppresses it, with the intention of revisiting and releasing it later. If there was a parent there to comfort the child, the emotion could be processed and released, and there would be no lasting trauma.

Because of that, it would make sense that all you would need is to cry out and process the blocked emotion, so there would be no need for healing to take months or years, you just need to be able to access the emotion buried in your subconscious. That's what I did with that experience I had in 2020. The purging lasted maybe 10-20 minutes and I felt like a totally different person after.

Psychedelics allow you to get into your subconscious mind, to access and purge these difficult emotions, so if I can feel through and process these emotions on psychedelics, why would the healing not stick?

When I suffer for years, the pain I feel on a daily basis is coming from a core trauma/emotional wound. Why would I have to heal from the pain that wound creates for years, on top of the original wound itself? To me it makes more sense that you would heal the core wound, and then all of the pain and symptoms coming from that would be healed as a result of that. That's the point of a root solution. Why would you also need to heal all the symptoms and pain you've gone through over the years on top of that? In that case, you would think that you would need emotional healing for every single day of your life, for every little bit of pain you go through

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Tristan12

Good day Tristan,

May I ask - apologies if this has been answered already - about your general routines & habits?

Our environment is not a healthy one. Poison at every turn.

Food, air, water, technology. These elements we work with in society are toxic now.

Slowly this has been getting worse.

Do you move? Clean food? Only water? Minimal caffeine, no drugs, no alcohol

You must be clean in this disgusting environment now.

More than ever.

You sound to me to be trapped in a cycle of escapism.

If you look after the self: clean food, water, gentle movement. The need to escape is no longer there.

Forward motion suppresses the fear response. Walking will do

I ask this as you have attempted to tackle your trauma with the mind.

Maybe a new strategy is needed - tackle the body.

My experience.

My experience.

I feel your pain in your words. Please have my endless love....

 

 

 

[Davino]

9 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Why would you also need to heal all the symptoms and pain you've gone through over the years on top of that? 

First of all, finding a root solution takes years of work. It's not a one time done thing as I'm sure you understand by now. When you manage to heal the root, well you have a putrid tree that will take time to be enlivened again. Another metaphor: it takes time for the domino effect to travel all your psyche and body. Another metaphor: imagine a fan that has been gaining speed for almost a decade. After studying engineering for some years you finally manage to unplug it, from that moment on it will lose speed but the inertia will still make it go for years. When that happens now you can build positive inertia in your life, in such a way that even if you have a horrible year, you would still have 3 more years of good inertia that will carry you in the good direction.

I'm not trying to discourage you or to encourage you, I'm trying to be truthful and assess the situation as it is.

[Tristan12]

@Sincerity That gives me a lot to think about. Thank you for your response

[Sincerity]

On 12.12.2024 at 0:16 AM, Tristan12 said:

How dare you say my wish to die is ridiculous. I'm in an incredible amount of suffering, I have been for years. If I desire to die, to leave this world, become one with God, then that's how I feel, and I don't appreciate you saying it's ridiculous.

It seems @QandC 's comment hit a nerve with you. Good! Recognize this as the great opportunity that it is. This is proof where the crux of your ego lies right now. Seeing it is a crucial step to resolve your suffering. Don't neglect it - if you REALLY want to change something in your life, you HAVE to confront your deepest held beliefs.

Your wish to "die and become God" indeed is misguided. I do empathize with it, because I had the same misunderstanding before.

You believe you have to kill yourself to become one with "God". Well, don't you think that if you believe this is the way, you will be unconsciously directing yourself to suffering forever, like you've done up to this point? And don't you think that recognizing this belief as incorrect would be VERY hard for you, because you already spent so much time acting on it? And you'd feel like an idiot when you see that it was all for "nothing"?

But it's NOT for nothing. THIS is the EXACT way to recognize the value of living and change attitude. Without going through this path, you aren't able to see it. So you don't have to feel stupid, truly. Going through such misunderstanding and suffering is the price for true insight and behaviour change.

As I mentioned before, the way to end your suffering is to start to want to LIVE. The way to God is through active life, not through killing yourself. You think your current belief is leading you to God, but in fact it's spiraling you further to hell. I mean, look at your direction. You're only feeling worse. The way to God does NOT have to feel like that, but you believe it does because that's what you've been doing so far. You have to change course.

And, importantly, you need to stop hoping for an ultimate awakening after all your suffering. It will not happen. This is an illusion.

It is part of your wish to "die and become God" - you believe you have to kill yourself/suffer so that you can reach this idea of God, the "ultimate thing"...

But maybe that "ultimate thing" was a delusion all along and you have to start living in reality. See what is in front of you. Maybe you could find something beautiful in that.

Wouldn't that be a nice lesson after this journey of suffering you've taken?

Edited Saturday at 11:16 AM by Sincerity

[Fountainbleu]

On 12/9/2024 at 6:27 PM, Tristan12 said:

I'm in an extremely difficult life situation and I'd really like some advice on what to do. There is so much I could explain, but I'm going to try to keep this relatively short and just get to the point.

So I've been suffering from extreme mental health issues for the past 7 years. It has been absolutely unbearable, and the suffering gets deeper and deeper as time goes on. I've spent the last 5 years trying to heal myself by making my own trauma healing technique, but I never succeeded with it. I finally decided to stop working on it, because I was going to end up killing myself, so I decided to go do ayahuasca.

I spent 5 weeks around October this year doing ayahuasca. It ended up helping me tremendously and I felt totally transformed. Once I left the retreat, a few days later I lost almost all of my results, and they haven't returned since (it's been a month now). A week ago I had a really amazing mescaline trip that I felt I got a lot of good healing from, but then two days later the results were gone.

I've gone through so much suffering and spent so much time trying to heal myself, almost 5 years, then I finally decided to throw in the towel and do psychedelics, just to stay alive, and now even after 5 weeks of ayahuasca I'm still in the same situation I was in before.

I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining this, but you have NO IDEA how exhausted I am and how much I hate being alive. The fact that after all this time and effort, I still can't heal, I am so done, and I want more than anything than to be dead and put out of my misery. 

As a side note, over the years, as I've suffered more and more, I have developed a really deep connection to existential love. I can feel it and access it very easily, and I've come to realize that developing that connection has been the point of everything I've been going through, and that's helped me to hang in there. But it's gotten to the point where I don't care about that more and I just need this pain to stop, and I want to die. I hate being alive with a passion.

I've been thinking though, considering that I haven't been able to heal even with psychedelics, and thinking about this connection to existential love i've been developing over the years, I wonder if the way this chapter of my life is supposed to end is for me to have some kind of massive awakening, to merge with existential love. I feel like if I could stay in my physical body, but be totally dead inside, I would be happy, and I wouldn't suffer anymore.

Because of this, I have been thinking, maybe if I take a large amount of 5-MeO-MALT or 5-MeO-DMT and have complete ego death, maybe that would help me. I don't really expect that a state like that would stick, but maybe it would heal me in some way? Either way, if I was to do something like that, I know it would not be easy and it would totally terrify me and traumatize me. My ego is so sensitive and fearful that there is no way it would let go without putting up a fight, despite how much I hate being alive.

I really don't know what to do in this situation, so I'd appreciate general advice, but I'd also like advice on the psychedelic thing, on if people think going for ego-death would be helpful to me, even if I have to go through a terror trip to get there.

I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there.

@RendHeaven going to tag you here because you suggested a large dose of malt to me before, and it kind of got me thinking, so I'd appreciate your advice as well

Ayahuasca is just an opener for you- now it's up to you with the new tools you've acquired to keep bringing them into your life. You can also meditate on the feelings/experience/memeories you had while on Ayahuasca to bring it into your day to day. I'm still reflecting on my beautiful and profound aya experience I had from 6.5 years ago. Another note, you can always call on the plant spirit of mama aya, she's with you forever now.

P.S. If you didn't already journal on the day after your aya ceremony about your aya experience, it's still fresh in your head- I'd write as much as you can about the experiences you had while on the medicine and see how that will open up some stuff up for you. Or if you did, refer to your notes.

 

Edited Saturday at 12:07 PM by Fountainbleu