What do I do? (urgent, please help)

[Thought Art]

@Leo Gura Yeah, but the guys needs to take a first step. These numbers can offer him more local resources.

[Sugarcoat]

This might sound like very basic and mainstream advice and I know you’re struggling financially so this might be a difficult option but consider medication being able to help you. I’m on meds and have experienced for myself how significant of an effect those chemicals can have. Sometimes a strong medication can help. It’s not something that will fix everything, the tips everyone else gave was good. But it can be something that can help calm you down for example. As an addition to everything else you might be doing to try to help your situation.

[Sugarcoat]

54 minutes ago, Jowblob said:

If you're gonna keep thinking that you need to heal yourself or that you need to do special practices all the time to heal yourself you're gonna manifest sickness. Your solution is simply to think that you don't need any healing and that you're fine how you are.

You def have a point in this. It sounds counterintuitive but I myself have experienced how the mind can amplify things.

[Leo Gura]

43 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@Leo Gura Yeah, but the guys needs to take a first step. These numbers can offer him more local resources.

Sure, that's fine.

[r0ckyreed]

I would recommend OP to try Betterhelp or find a local therapist that you feel compatible with. I know it costs money, but it will be money well spent. 988 is also available until you can see a therapist. In person is better.

Edited December 10 by r0ckyreed

[Leo Gura]

Betterhelp is a scam to resell your information. Look for a proper therapist.

Edited December 10 by Leo Gura

[Vibes]

@Leo Gura Can you unlock the option to ignore mods for us? Maybe allow to ignore posts and mentions but not PMs or something. Maybe unlock it only to old members, etc.

Edited December 10 by Vibes

[Sincerity]

Hello. I'll be blunt in hopes that this can wake you up a bit.

17 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there.

Listen to yourself. What are you even saying? "I hate myself" and "I want to become one with God". This is LITERALLY a contradiction. Pure misunderstanding. Really see this - YOU ARE DELUDED.

You do NOT want to become one with God, BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF.

"I fucking hate this stupid human life". No, no you don't. What you hate is yourself. You don't give a shit about life (reality), you hardly ever really look at it, you only care about you. Or, more precisely, you care about hating yourself.

Stop kidding yourself that you want God. Your hatred is so great that this couldn't be further from the truth. The thing you think you want is exactly the thing you're fiercely rejecting to the point of wanting to kill yourself.

You have a vague fantasy of this "God" you dream of which is just that - a fantasy. You are delusional. The actual God you are rejecting with all your might.

And no tripping will help you, because you are trying to use it to escape, therefore further spinning in your resistance. I guarantee you 100% psychedelics won't help you long-term because you're going to use them with the intent of "dying", escaping yourself. Really, you SHOULD give it up. It will NOT work.

And you will not really kill yourself because you want what is happening. See:

14 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I'll do what I can to improve my situation if it's not too difficult and doesn't take too long, so I'm not totally helpless, but if it's going to take years of grueling work, then forget it. It's my right as an individual to not participate in life if I don't want to. That often feels like the only sense of control I have over my situation. I don't care if it's cowardly or not right to do something like that. I just don't care anymore.

That's the crux of your issue right there. You want all of this happening. On YOUR terms. Which is exactly what you're getting and why you're suffering. Nothing you try will work because you're clinging fiercely and only using everything to resist further. The more you act on that intent, the more you suffer. But you can stop.

---

If you want some relief, I'd suggest contemplating what I said above. Be honest with yourself for once. Your motivations are delusional, you think you want God but you're just fooling yourself. You only want you.

How about you stop trying to erase yourself? Because the more you try, the more you there is to erase.

And suicide is an idiotic "solution". Do you seriously think you can "reset" your energetic system with killing yourself physically? Like, does this make sense to you? You REALLY believe this won't just happen again if you end it like that?

Listen man, I get you. I really do. I was going through this shit as well. Long periods, more than once. See this for example, from barely 3 months ago:

When you're honest with yourself about the truth of you and your motivations, some knots should be untied. Really, you're just completely misunderstanding yourself. And I get that. I wish you well.

I recommend talking to yourself. Split yourself into two - you who hates yourself vs you who'd like to live in peace, harmony, with God. And come to an understanding through dialogue. Best written in a journal, or spoken out loud and recorded. It's fun, try it. I developed the technique on my own. The two halves should both change somehow, it's not just about changing the "bad one". Talk to yourself with patience and an intent for compromise. And if there is genuine understanding, there appears the space for genuine behaviour change.

I also recommend just having the intent to live in peace. I am 100% sure you never actually wished for peace. You only wished to escape, resist suffering and fight yourself, therefore exacerbating the problem due to your intention being fucked. If you really want freedom, wish for it, out of a pure heart. Cry out for it:

If this resonates, you can DM me to talk further. I'm open to you and I wish you well. Good luck.

With love,
Sincerity

Edited December 10 by Sincerity

[Thought Art]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Betterhelp is a scam to resell your information. Look for a proper therapist.

Noted. 

[RightHand]

You are not alone in this, brother. There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Please take care of yourself.

Read the book Conversations With God if you have time, God can help you overcome your pain.

Edited December 10 by RightHand

[mmKay]

@Tristan12

Thank you for taking the time and effort to share your situation. Many people are so helpless that they aren't even capable of remotely articulating their struggles or reaching out for help, so you've made a big first step. Give yourself adequate credit for that.

First of all, I want to be completely transparent that I was very hesitant to engage with you. It's nothing personal, but I know you understand that your delicate situation makes it risky for anyone to publicly provide you with serious support. No one wants to be blamed for anything, and I’m sure you understand that.

That being said, what tipped me over the edge was seeing the topics you cover on your YouTube channel in the context of what you're sharing with us here.

It's absolutely obvious to me that your difficult situation has immense potential -- not just for personal evolution, transformation, and healing, but most importantly, for the impact you can have on others who are facing the same challenges as you are right now.

Just imagine the magnitude of the difference you could make for people who are RIGHT NOW, at this very moment, going through something very similar to what you’re experiencing -- if you only manage to be strong enough to learn the powerful lessons locked behind this challenging chapter of your life. It’s almost poetic.

That's why I’d like you to connect your current emotional suffering with the suffering of thousands of other people who are in your very shoes right now. Imagine the pain and suffering of those people who are wishing for someone like the wise and mature future you to help them out. 

I want to invite you to be strong -- not only for yourself, not only for everyone who has ever cared for you, not just for me (I’m sort of sticking my neck out here for you), but most of all, for all the people your story and service can impact throughout the rest of your long life. 

Of course, I have no idea if this aligns with the life purpose you’ve mentioned, but it’s what I intuit -- correct me if I’m wrong. If you got emotional at all reading any of this it's a good indicator on it being true, at least to a degree.

Who knows? What if you deliberately incarnated into this very situation to work through these challenges, learn the lessons they hold, evolve, heal, and help others do the same? What if there’s no escape and you’ll continue facing exactly the same challenges for ever, until you fully embrace them and finally grow? (Just food for thought -- don’t take this too seriously.)

One of the biggest lessons for you would be learning and understanding the mechanisms of how emotions work.

This understanding will likely give you most of the results you’re looking for -- and it means understanding the mechanisms of your mind: how beliefs and thoughts work in an extremely practical and hands-on way. You’d learn how thoughts and beliefs generate emotional reactions and how, by playing with perspective, context, and belief, you can dissipate, heal, and embrace your emotional reactions  and trauma, to the point where the suffering substantially alleviates and eventually disappears.

The good thing about your situation is that your suffering is only emotional, which is generated by your own mind. If you were physically ill or chronically unwell, it would be a completely different story. With adequate support and guidance about how emotions work and how your mind operates, you can begin to untangle the poor mental habits you have accidentally let develop over time.

The challenge with things like depression or negative thinking is that they’re self-fulfilling prophecies and self-reinforcing. At the end of this post I shared some relevant quotes that point this out .

If you think and believe that there is no way to improve your situation, that literally becomes your reality, and nothing you try will work. If you truly believe a door is locked, you won’t even try to turn the doorknob -- or your mind will  eloquently talk itself out of trying. Do you see? Being smart and thoughtful has its downside because your mind has the increased capacity of coming up with better negative arguments that sound very convincing and are well reasoned. 

But on the flip side, If you have a strong faith in that the door can be opened, you will not stop until you make it happen, even though you don't know how you will make it happen just yet.
 

One common explanation for why someone is depressed is simply that they’ve accidentally developed a negative, pessimistic self-talk habit. Of course, it can be much more complex than that, but sometimes this is a big part of the issue. 

It’s almost like your mind follows the same tendency as physical muscles, and you’ve accidentally developed a poor posture that becomes your default. For example, imagine you’ve chronically stretched your neck to look upwards at the sky all the time, so now you’re constantly staring at the sun. Then you wonder--why do my eyes hurt? ( " I'm consistently thinking depressing, desperate, disempowering negative thoughts therefore I suffer  " )

In terms of somewhat specifics of your situation, you’ve mentioned: intense emotional attachment to a girl (“heartbreak”--apparently the biggest struggle you’re facing now), feelings of inferiority because of a lack of experience with women, lifelong feelings of deep shame and abandonment, hypersensitivity to disapproval, anxious thought loops, overthinking, and a general feeling of hopelessness.

All of these challenges can be worked through, and there are thousands of people who have overcome them. It doesn’t have to take an excessive amount of time or effort. Once you identify the few core underlying tendencies that are holding you back, you could possibly get back on your feet relatively soon. It doesn’t have to take years.

Regarding psychedelics:
I do not recommend taking an excessively large dose. It is bound to cause a strong ego backlash and potentially destabilize you by giving you a glimpse of an unsustainable state of consciousness. It’s unlikely to result in much permanent steady improvement, which is what you need right now. Also It may be challenging to face certain things psychedelics point out to you if you're not very proficcient at using your mind and coping with emotions, so ideally working on that first would prepare you.

It doesn't have to cost thousands. Aren't mushrooms semi-legal or in a legal grayzone in Toronto and Vancouver? They're not the ideal  substance in my opinion but better than nothing. ( I'm assuming you live in Canada by your profile )

One good thing psychedelics can do for your situation is to give you some distance from your mind and not identify yourself with the mind to a dysfunctional level. It can help you to go from living your mind in the first person perspective,  to observing it from a more dettached third-person perspective.

Psychedelics increase your level of consciousness and allow you to see that you are not your mind ( there is more to you than just that) and that just because thoughts occur in your mind’s eye or because the mental voice is speaking doesn’t mean they’re true or accurate -- or that you need to believe them or take them seriously.

It's almost as though you were watching the television from a distance of 15 centimeters, and you were so caught up in it you truly believed that what's going on in the television is reallity. Whatever disgrace you saw there you would inmediately emotionally suffer in real life. But if you manage to step away from the television to a healthy distance of a meter and a half, you would be able to recognize what the television truly is, and you could detach your emotions from what you perceive from the television. You would gain a buffer between thoughts and emotions, where you get to question the validity of the thoughts that cause those emotional reactions.

Emotions are ALLWAYS caused by beliefs, whether you're conscious of what those beliefs are or not .
 

At an existential level, psychedelics might help you understand the nature of what you are. In a strange-loop paradoxical way, you both are and are not your mind. You are and are not your body. What you can identify with certainty is the silent observer of the mind and body -- pure awareness. 

In a way, this pure awareness is co-living in a single experience of existence together with the body and mind (which are almost separate entities). Sometimes, they are not aligned in interests or don’t entirely understand each other. Once you get clear about the body’s interests and the mind’s interests, you can begin to live in a more holistic way, learn to speak a common language between them, and stop sabotaging eachother.

These different parts of you are ultimately looking out for themselves. Whatever apparent negative thing you’re experiencing actually has a positive intention behind it, though it may be too twisted to understand at first glance. For example:

Your strong negative emotions are sending valuable information.

Your limiting beliefs are trying to protect your self-esteem.

Your neediness, obsession and oneitis with that woman is actually your biology hijacking your mind to maximize reproduction chances. ( Crush psychology)
 

If I knew more specifics about your situation, I could point out clearer examples.
 

Yeah, $30k in debt sucks. But on the other hand, it’s literally just the average student debt. It’s not the end of the world, and you can definitely get out of it. I don't know if you happen to have any prior work experience of skills, but you can start with less fulfilling less demanding jobs and build yourself up. (It would be useful if you shared more about this as well)

Not being smooth with the ladies at age 24 is no big deal. You’d be surprised how much you can experience and learn in just a couple of months. There are 4.000.000.000 women on the planet. A good 10.000 that are potentially in your local arms reach, attractive, young,  hot and single, almost desperate to meet a decent guy. Do you seriously think that NONE of them would want to be with you? Not even one?

---

If you find any of this helpful, feel free to share more details here or PM me. I could potentially hear you out and offer you a degree of free help. I'm not a licensed professional but I've helped a few dozen people with very similar issues.

DONT GIVE UP!




Some quotes for emphasizing the catch 22 of the mind, thoughts and beliefs:


Human beings act, think, and feel in accordance with what they believe to be true about themselves and their environment – Maxwell Maltz

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't -- you're right - Henry Ford.

You can’t solve a problem with the same mindset that created it. – Albert Einstein

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." – Epictetus . (( It's not the facts of a situation that matter, but the context and perspective which make sense of it ))

You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you."– Dan Millman

 

Edited December 11 by mmKay

[Davino]

2 hours ago, Jowblob said:

If you're gonna keep thinking that you need to heal yourself or that you need to do special practices all the time to heal yourself you're gonna manifest sickness. Your solution is simply to think that you don't need any healing and that you're fine how you are.

You need a reality check. This comment is dangerously ungrounded. Spirituality has brainwashed you of common sense.

Actually analyze and see when you're miserable in life, we all are at some point, it comes in cycles, when life is beating you up harshly. When you're in a terrible cold for days and refuse to take medication because you are fine how you are and that would be recognising sickness. Well maybe one is sick and therefore one does need to take medication. Why? to take care of oneself, to heal; This is self-love.

It takes courage to recognise the sickness, darkness and devil in oneself and denial won't help a bit.

[Tristan12]

14 hours ago, Jayson G said:

@Tristan12 Journaling + Sedona method saved my life emotionally. I was in deep emotional suffering but those 2 got me out. It's similar to therapy in that you are targeting specific emotions, acknowledging them, and releasing them. Think of journaling as your friend too. 

Many people have been in your situation and got out. Things may feel hopeless but that's just this current state you're in. You can do the work to get out, and I know it's exhausting, but one step at a time and you will get out. If you fail, just keep trying again. 

I don't know if that would really help me. I've been doing work with trauma healing, introspection, feeling through emotions, all those kinds of things for the last 5 years and I'm still in the same situation. I journal regularly which I enjoy but it doesn't really do anything to heal me. I could try the Sedona method as a regular practice, but considering my situation and weighing my options, it doesn't seem likely to help

[Francis777]

@Tristan12 Did you grow up around narcissist's by any chance?

You keep saying pain, pain, pain, but can't seem to pin down exactly where its coming from.  Seems as if you have a deep distrust with yourself which is actually blocking you from seeing what the actual problems are. In such case no amount of "tough" effort to heal is going work if you still can't figure out exactly what your feeling and why.

I asked if you have relationships with narcissist's  because I've got narcissists in the family and I've noticed the effect on me of how difficult they make self diagnosing. Not always in the way of doubting yourself either, but in being too sure of yourself that you cut of avenues you don't even know your cutting off because their self-assertiveness has rubbed off on you, it can be very subtle.

Not implying that's what's happening, just all this to say, you seem very set on how you want to live your life at the very young age of 24, how do you know that you can be sure that this is what you really want? Maybe the reason you cant move forward is because you secretly don't want what your moving towards and the resistance to that pursuit is the pain itself. Feeling torn can be a very painful experience.

 

[Tristan12]

@trenton I've seen both of your responses, I appreciate you taking the time to write everything. It's all stuff for me to think about. I'm going to write out some more in this thread about my situation and about what I feel like I need to resolve things, and hopefully that will answer the questions you had in your second response.

15 hours ago, trenton said:

May I ask you what is your life purpose and how did you discover it? How did you try to work toward it? I struggle with life purpose myself and you might be able to help me by showing me how you did it 

My life purpose is about creating deep emotional healing processes/techniques. I did Leo's life purpose course, but along with that my purpose was quite easy for me to find because I stumbled upon it from my life situation. As I started working on trying to heal myself, I realized I had a love for psychology and emotional healing. What really helped me was getting very clear on the exact niche and area that I'm interested in, and not discounting a potential career path just because of how it looks on the surface.

For example, I have no interest in being a regular therapist or psychologist. I want to work independently and create my own techniques, rather than following something I learned from school, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life working one-on-one with clients. I don't mind spending some time working with clients, but what I really love is learning about psychology and making healing processes.

What I am really passionate about is very deep, root level healing, and also learning about emotions and how they work and function. Depth is one of my highest values, so I love approaching psychology in that way, and I'm not interested in basic, surface level healing methods.

My point is that my life purpose is something very specific and niche that perfectly fits my personality and strengths, and if I discounted psychology and therapy just because I didn't like the idea of it on the surface, I wouldn't of found this specific niche that perfectly fits me.

Beyond that, I think gaining a lot of self-awareness is very important, such as learning your strengths and weaknesses, your values, things that you're passionate about and enjoy doing, learning as much about yourself as you can. I have pages and pages on these topics in my notes that I have been adding to for years, and it helps me to pinpoint exactly the kind of work I want to be doing in my life.

[Tristan12]

2 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

This might sound like very basic and mainstream advice and I know you’re struggling financially so this might be a difficult option but consider medication being able to help you. I’m on meds and have experienced for myself how significant of an effect those chemicals can have. Sometimes a strong medication can help. It’s not something that will fix everything, the tips everyone else gave was good. But it can be something that can help calm you down for example. As an addition to everything else you might be doing to try to help your situation.

I don't know, I've been very resistant to the idea of taking medication for a long time. I'd almost rather be dead than start taking that. Even if I did start taking it, I would feel like such a failure considering that my life purpose is in psychology, it's about creating healing techniques, and I plan on coaching people and teaching on YouTube, yet I will have been incapable of healing myself after years of trying, and I will have ended up having to resort to medication. Lol. It could potentially keep me alive, but at that point I would really struggle to want to be, because it would feel like such a slap in the face to have to resort to medication when I've been determined for years to figure out how to heal myself at the root. I already barely want to live even without that.

[Tristan12]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, I appreciate your help. It's difficult for me to spend a lot of time reading through everything and formulating responses because of the condition I'm in, and how difficult it makes it to focus and work, so I need to take my time, but I'll respond eventually.

For now I'll just say, about therapy, even if I could get a form of therapy that would cost me little to no money, I still go into more debt each month to cover living expenses, and I'm only a few thousand away from going bankrupt. That means I need to be in a good enough position to start working and making money within a few months at the most.

The main problem I have with working is that I get into really brutal emotional states at times, and I need to take breaks to relax or sleep or something, to be able to cope. If I have no choice but to go work a job when i'm in a state like that, I would get extremely suicidal. It would be bad for me, and I doubt I'd be able to keep a job being that way.

I would need a job that I could work on my own schedule, that I could work when I feel okay enough to do so. On top of that, it would have to be something I enjoy, because if I have to suffer a boring, mindless job, that I don't want to be doing, after all the suffering I've already been through and am going through, again, I'd rather be dead than do that.

The work load would also have to be not overly demanding, because it's very difficult for me to be productive, focus and get a lot of work done. I get super tense and anxious easily and I need to distract myself and take breaks frequently.

So it's a pretty tall order... lol

[vibv]

47 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, I appreciate your help. It's difficult for me to spend a lot of time reading through everything and formulating responses because of the condition I'm in, and how difficult it makes it to focus and work, so I need to take my time, but I'll respond eventually.

For now I'll just say, about therapy, even if I could get a form of therapy that would cost me little to no money, I still go into more debt each month to cover living expenses, and I'm only a few thousand away from going bankrupt. That means I need to be in a good enough position to start working and making money within a few months at the most.

The main problem I have with working is that I get into really brutal emotional states at times, and I need to take breaks to relax or sleep or something, to be able to cope. If I have no choice but to go work a job when i'm in a state like that, I would get extremely suicidal. It would be bad for me, and I doubt I'd be able to keep a job being that way.

I would need a job that I could work on my own schedule, that I could work when I feel okay enough to do so. On top of that, it would have to be something I enjoy, because if I have to suffer a boring, mindless job, that I don't want to be doing, after all the suffering I've already been through and am going through, again, I'd rather be dead than do that.

The work load would also have to be not overly demanding, because it's very difficult for me to be productive, focus and get a lot of work done. I get super tense and anxious easily and I need to distract myself and take breaks frequently.

So it's a pretty tall order... lol

But what are you able to give? And I mean this completely seriously. Take a good, hard, long look at yourself and find out what you can give. Do that and everything else will fall into place - also because it gives you a REASON to heal.

[r0ckyreed]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Betterhelp is a scam to resell your information. Look for a proper therapist.

A colleague of mine is a therapist at Betterhelp. I wouldn’t generalize to call the whole thing a scam. But I agree, in-person is better. But some people don’t even have a car. For some, it’s a platform that works for them. You can always call a place to see if they can be seen virtually. 

[Tristan12]

3 hours ago, Sincerity said:

Listen to yourself. What are you even saying? "I hate myself" and "I want to become one with God". This is LITERALLY a contradiction. Pure misunderstanding. Really see this - YOU ARE DELUDED.

You do NOT want to become one with God, BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF.

"I fucking hate this stupid human life". No, no you don't. What you hate is yourself. You don't give a shit about life (reality), you hardly ever really look at it, you only care about you. Or, more precisely, you care about hating yourself.

I wouldn't say that I hate myself. I don't love myself, but I generally like myself as a person, and self-hatred isn't something I've ever really struggled with. I hate being alive in this human life, because the suffering is so immense and it doesn't end. If you're saying that this human life/reality is God and so in that sense I hate myself/God, then okay, but when I say I want to become one with God, I mean I want to stop existing as a finite self, I want to leave this world/this dream of life, I want to become one with the Godhead, and not suffer anymore. I'm suffering because I have/am an ego and I exist as a finite self, and suffering is created by trying to maintain that sense of self, and I want to die so I don't have to suffer from that anymore.

3 hours ago, Sincerity said:

And no tripping will help you, because you are trying to use it to escape, therefore further spinning in your resistance. I guarantee you 100% psychedelics won't help you long-term because you're going to use them with the intent of "dying", escaping yourself. Really, you SHOULD give it up. It will NOT work.

Up to this point I've used psychedelics with the intent of healing and purging my blocked emotional pain, which I've done, although the healing doesn't last. Me saying that I'm considering using psychedelics to try and have a massive awakening and ego-death, that was only an idea. I'm not necessarily going to do that, and I certainly haven't been trying to do that with my psychedelic use up to this point. Frankly I'm terrified of ego-death, I just had the idea that maybe it would help me and be worth going for.

3 hours ago, Sincerity said:

And you will not really kill yourself because you want what is happening. See:

18 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

I'll do what I can to improve my situation if it's not too difficult and doesn't take too long, so I'm not totally helpless, but if it's going to take years of grueling work, then forget it. It's my right as an individual to not participate in life if I don't want to. That often feels like the only sense of control I have over my situation. I don't care if it's cowardly or not right to do something like that. I just don't care anymore.

That's the crux of your issue right there. You want all of this happening. On YOUR terms. Which is exactly what you're getting and why you're suffering. Nothing you try will work because you're clinging fiercely and only using everything to resist further. The more you act on that intent, the more you suffer. But you can stop.

I kind of understand what you're saying, and I kind of agree with it based on what I think I'm understanding, but I'd appreciate if you could explain what you mean further.

3 hours ago, Sincerity said:

And suicide is an idiotic "solution". Do you seriously think you can "reset" your energetic system with killing yourself physically? Like, does this make sense to you? You REALLY believe this won't just happen again if you end it like that?

I've thought about that, but it's hard to care at this point. I realize it's stupid if i'm just going to end up reincarnating back into a similar situation. I don't know 100% if that would actually happen, but even if it did, the pain gets so bad at times that I still want to end things, and not just not think about the repercussions of it. I know how stupid that is, but when the pain gets so unbearable, I don't care about anything but getting immediate relief

I think the reason I resist all of my suffering so strongly is because of how long I've been going through it. It's been 7 long years. Earlier on I would try to be with my emotions, feel through them, surrender to them, and not fight so much, but over time, the pain worsens, it becomes unbearable, and the suffering takes such a toll on me that I end up in this situation where all I do is resist and fight everything that's happening, because I can't take it anymore. It breaks me and destroys me and turns me into this giant mess that is frantically trying to get out of this hell that I'm in.

Thank you for your response. I think what you said was insightful and is helpful for me to think about, and hopefully you can clarify those things I asked about.