What do I do? (urgent, please help)

[Tristan12]

I'm in an extremely difficult life situation and I'd really like some advice on what to do. There is so much I could explain, but I'm going to try to keep this relatively short and just get to the point.

So I've been suffering from extreme mental health issues for the past 7 years. It has been absolutely unbearable, and the suffering gets deeper and deeper as time goes on. I've spent the last 5 years trying to heal myself by making my own trauma healing technique, but I never succeeded with it. I finally decided to stop working on it, because I was going to end up killing myself, so I decided to go do ayahuasca.

I spent 5 weeks around October this year doing ayahuasca. It ended up helping me tremendously and I felt totally transformed. Once I left the retreat, a few days later I lost almost all of my results, and they haven't returned since (it's been a month now). A week ago I had a really amazing mescaline trip that I felt I got a lot of good healing from, but then two days later the results were gone.

I've gone through so much suffering and spent so much time trying to heal myself, almost 5 years, then I finally decided to throw in the towel and do psychedelics, just to stay alive, and now even after 5 weeks of ayahuasca I'm still in the same situation I was in before.

I could write paragraph after paragraph explaining this, but you have NO IDEA how exhausted I am and how much I hate being alive. The fact that after all this time and effort, I still can't heal, I am so done, and I want more than anything than to be dead and put out of my misery. 

As a side note, over the years, as I've suffered more and more, I have developed a really deep connection to existential love. I can feel it and access it very easily, and I've come to realize that developing that connection has been the point of everything I've been going through, and that's helped me to hang in there. But it's gotten to the point where I don't care about that more and I just need this pain to stop, and I want to die. I hate being alive with a passion.

I've been thinking though, considering that I haven't been able to heal even with psychedelics, and thinking about this connection to existential love i've been developing over the years, I wonder if the way this chapter of my life is supposed to end is for me to have some kind of massive awakening, to merge with existential love. I feel like if I could stay in my physical body, but be totally dead inside, I would be happy, and I wouldn't suffer anymore.

Because of this, I have been thinking, maybe if I take a large amount of 5-MeO-MALT or 5-MeO-DMT and have complete ego death, maybe that would help me. I don't really expect that a state like that would stick, but maybe it would heal me in some way? Either way, if I was to do something like that, I know it would not be easy and it would totally terrify me and traumatize me. My ego is so sensitive and fearful that there is no way it would let go without putting up a fight, despite how much I hate being alive.

I really don't know what to do in this situation, so I'd appreciate general advice, but I'd also like advice on the psychedelic thing, on if people think going for ego-death would be helpful to me, even if I have to go through a terror trip to get there.

I want nothing more than to die and become one with God/existential love. I fucking hate this stupid human life. That's why I think an experience of ego-death/God realization could really help me, but I'd have to be sure it's what I really want, because I'm sure I'll have to go through a terror trip to get there.

@RendHeaven going to tag you here because you suggested a large dose of malt to me before, and it kind of got me thinking, so I'd appreciate your advice as well

[Raze]

Stop taking psychedelics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aU0yppsE_bA

Try the detox dudes, “break through difficult emotions” by Shinzen Young, IFS therapy, and EMDR or Andreas NLP

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdQ67mOP01g

 

Edited December 10 by Raze

[Leo Gura]

You shouldn't expect psychedelics to fix you. They offer a temporary state change. If you hate your life, that's not something a psychedelic will fix. You have to address the reason why you hate your life. Which is going to involve lots of work building a good life. There's not a magic pill to skip all that work.

Lots of people have trauma but that doesn't mean they hate life. It sounds like your trauma is not really the root issue in your case. You shouldn't need to heal all your trauma to enjoy life.

Please don't harm yourself. Work on developing something to be passionate about.

Edited December 10 by Leo Gura

[Tristan12]

@Leo Gura I hate my life because of the severe emotional issues I have, and how much pain I am constantly in. When I got back from my ayahuasca retreat, I was feeling great and got starting on building new habits, starting to build my career, etc but then a few days later my emotional issues started to come back and I had to stop everything I was doing because I felt so awful again

I have lots of things I’m passionate about, I know my life purpose, I know exactly what I’d want to do with my life if I was well and healthy. But I am in such an extreme amount of pain, day after day, and its been this way for years. It only gets worse, and even with all the work I’ve done with psychedelics, I still can’t recover.

The pain has taken so much out of me that I just have no desire to continue living. I’ve felt this way all year and it just gets worse. I’m not on the edge of ending things right now, I just need a solution because its driving me crazy

[Majed]

@Tristan12 Did you try to see a psychiatrist ?

Edited December 10 by Majed

[Thought Art]

@Tristan12 I fell into the trap of thinking psychedelics would heal me years ago.

But, they don't. They can show you glimpses of peace, wellbeing, trust, etc which can act as guideposts. There is not magic pill here. 

We need to focus on holistic solutions, systems, and slow painful progress over years and decades of work. That being said, you can start seeing results sooner than later.

This is going to take the right set of tools. Don't rely on these substances alone.

You got this. Take a long term approach.

 

[Tristan12]

17 minutes ago, Majed said:

@Tristan12 Did you try to see a psychiatrist ?

No I haven't

[Raze]

19 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

@Leo Gura I hate my life because of the severe emotional issues I have, and how much pain I am constantly in. When I got back from my ayahuasca retreat, I was feeling great and got starting on building new habits, starting to build my career, etc but then a few days later my emotional issues started to come back and I had to stop everything I was doing because I felt so awful again

I have lots of things I’m passionate about, I know my life purpose, I know exactly what I’d want to do with my life if I was well and healthy. But I am in such an extreme amount of pain, day after day, and its been this way for years. It only gets worse, and even with all the work I’ve done with psychedelics, I still can’t recover.

The pain has taken so much out of me that I just have no desire to continue living. I’ve felt this way all year and it just gets worse. I’m not on the edge of ending things right now, I just need a solution because its driving me crazy

Is it physical pain?

[Rigel]

That’s a great question. What do you do? On a day to day basis? What actions are you taking in your life? What about the basics? Do you get good sleep & move plenty? Do you eat fresh? Do you drink clean water?

Psychedelics aren’t going to do the basics for you.

Break a sweat every day is my two cents. I am sure your situation is more complicated but try to simplify as best you can.

Build a healthy character before going on trying to obliterate it with psychedelics. You build a healthy character by acting on the basics every day. 

Basics. Simplify. What can you do right now? You are asking the right question.

[Tristan12]

@Thought Art Why do things like ayahuasca retreats and psychedelic assisted therapies exist then? What's the point if they don't heal you?

I've spent the last 5 years studying trauma healing techniques and trying to heal myself without psychedelics, and none of it worked. If psychedelics are meant to give me glimpses of what's possible so I can work towards it sober, then I'm just back in the same situation as before.

If I have to play the long game even now at this point, when I'm absolutely at my wits end, I'd rather just be dead. 

[Tristan12]

5 minutes ago, Raze said:

Is it physical pain?

No, just emotional pain. PTSD, anxiety, shame, a whole assortment of issues, and the combination of everything together has gotten worse and worse over the years to the point where every single thing I encounter in life causes me so much suffering and it's just unbearable.

[Tristan12]

5 minutes ago, Rigel said:

That’s a great question. What do you do? On a day to day basis? What actions are you taking in your life? What about the basics? Do you get good sleep & move plenty? Do you eat fresh? Do you drink clean water?

Psychedelics aren’t going to do the basics for you.

Break a sweat every day is my two cents. I am sure your situation is more complicated but try to simplify as best you can.

Build a healthy character before going on trying to obliterate it with psychedelics. You build a healthy character by acting on the basics every day. 

Basics. Simplify. What can you do right now? You are asking the right question.

I used to do all those things (working out, eating healthy). I'm a very ambitious person and in my teenage years I was so into doing all these kinds of things and doing everything I could to grow myself and be the best version of myself.

I only stopped when my emotional issues got too bad. I started working out again a couple months ago, but before that I took a break for a few years because it became another thing that overwhelmed me and stressed me out. I also used to eat really clean, but I let myself start to eat junk food just to have something to enjoy while I go through all the pain I'm in.

My point is that I used to do all those things, and the only reason I don't do all of them now is because of the emotional pain I suffer from, so building all of these habits again isn't going to help me cope with my emotional issues.

33 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

When I got back from my ayahuasca retreat, I was feeling great and got starting on building new habits, starting to build my career, etc but then a few days later my emotional issues started to come back and I had to stop everything I was doing because I felt so awful again

 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

severe emotional issues I have, and how much pain I am constantly in.

What is the emotional pain?

[Rigel]

51 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

@Thought Art Why do things like ayahuasca retreats and psychedelic assisted therapies exist then? What's the point if they don't heal you?

I've spent the last 5 years studying trauma healing techniques and trying to heal myself without psychedelics, and none of it worked. If psychedelics are meant to give me glimpses of what's possible so I can work towards it sober, then I'm just back in the same situation as before.

If I have to play the long game even now at this point, when I'm absolutely at my wits end, I'd rather just be dead. 

I get it, but if there is a healthy life free of this pain out there, will it really be accessible while eating junk, stagnating(literally not moving) & indulging in a wide variety of coping mechanisms? We all need coping to some extent but you are overlooking the principle of right action.

The actions which would create the state you want to inhabit need to be taken for that state to manifest. Now it seems to me you are putting the state before the action. You are thinking that your state prevents action.

It’s a process. And it’s difficult. But what else are you going to do? Chip away at it slowly. Always keep the basics in mind because a life without them is never going to fix itself.

edit: wrong quote don’t mind it.

Edited December 10 by Rigel

[Rigel]

Reach out to people IRL that can emotionally support you. This forum is too far removed from your lived experience.

[Raze]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

No, just emotional pain. PTSD, anxiety, shame, a whole assortment of issues, and the combination of everything together has gotten worse and worse over the years to the point where every single thing I encounter in life causes me so much suffering and it's just unbearable.

Apply what I recommended, stop psychedelics for now 

[trenton]

@Tristan12 I recognize that you have been in a state of mental torture for a long time. To be honest, I don't know enough about your emotional problems to help you. I would need to ask further questions.

Are you willing to list as many of these emotional and mental problems as you can? How exactly are they impacting your mind and thoughts? What are the feelings and judgements you have of yourself? What are the concrete patterns you recognize in your mind when you observe yourself? Are they accompanied by life stressors like work and relationships?

If you doubt your value and self worth, then I want to start by saying you are helping others and providing value weather you realize it or not. You might believe that your suffering was meaningless and is not providing value to anybody. In reality, reading your post has actually helped me. I myself suffer from many emotional problems. Sometimes I thought that psychedelics could help me and I have considered doing exactly what you did to yourself. You have shown me that I can't fix my emotional problems through these means. You have helped me to see a trap that I could have fallen into myself.

Seeing as you can help others despite your deep suffering, this is proof that others would be hurt if you killed yourself. I want you to find meaning despite the hell you go through on a daily basis.

May I ask you what is your life purpose and how did you discover it? How did you try to work toward it? I struggle with life purpose myself and you might be able to help me by showing me how you did it 

the main reason I considered psychedelics was because I thought radical states of consciousness could help me recontextualize my life, thus giving me a new perspective from which to approach life purpose. I believed that life purpose would give me the strength to accept my suffering and push through it, giving me reason to live. Meaningless suffering is what pushed me to suicidal thoughts as it has for you.

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

@Thought Art Why do things like ayahuasca retreats and psychedelic assisted therapies exist then? What's the point if they don't heal you?

I've spent the last 5 years studying trauma healing techniques and trying to heal myself without psychedelics, and none of it worked. If psychedelics are meant to give me glimpses of what's possible so I can work towards it sober, then I'm just back in the same situation as before.

If I have to play the long game even now at this point, when I'm absolutely at my wits end, I'd rather just be dead. 

I feel the need to challenge what you said here. You say that you are back in the same situation as before, but I disagree. First of all, you discovered what was possible and experienced relief although temporary. Secondly, you are now wiser to the reality of using psychedelics to fix your problems. Furthermore, seeing as you observed your mind going back to the same place, you can recognize that you are not in control of what your mind is doing at the moment. This is significant because you mentioned shame earlier and it may have something to do with the idea that you should be in better control of what your mind is doing. Your suffering is preventing you from achieving what you think you should be doing or becoming who you should become. Common in therapy is to recognize these should statements, although it is probably exhausting hearing this over and over again.

I have been suffering for a long time too and from a lot of different things. I did a lot of journaling, self observation, therapy, medication, emotional mastery and so forth. I still struggle, but I did make enough progress to help others based on the wisdom I accumulated through my journey. You are on this journey too. I want you to take stock of the wisdom you accumulated along the way.

I tried therapy and it wasn't as helpful as I hoped. There are many incompetent therapists unfortunately. I ended up just reading many books on emotional mastery and psychology. I had to do so much research that I ended up knowing better than these therapists and I recognized there mistakes. Most of my insights come from self observation, but I have made significant breakthroughs in research to. They have helped me recontextualize my trauma responses so I could work through them. For you, I don't know what kind of trauma You carry or struggle with. This depends on further information.

I want to offer you whatever value I can. Suicide can be tempting when you seem to be stuck in meaningless and hopeless suffering. I would never wish this upon you. I don't know what you need, but at the very least I see value in you even if you don't see it.

I wish you the best. Please don't kill yourself.

[Tristan12]

41 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

What is the emotional pain?

It's complicated, because there is so much of it from so many sources that I can't easily label it as one specific condition. I've suffered from deep shame and deep abandonment wounds all my life. The past 7 years I've suffered from PTSD and bad anxiety. The PTSD has morphed and shifted over time, getting worse and worse, and at this point I'm in an extremely severe state.

I spend probably 3-5 hours a day stuck in anxious thought loops, and it's been like that every day for the past 7 years. I am extremely sensitive, even the slightest bit of disapproval, sense that I did something wrong or made someone not like me, it REALLY hurts and I can't stop thinking about it. I get overwhelmed easily leaving the house and going to new places. It's extremely difficult to get any work done. I don't have a job or anything so I have all day every day to work on things, an I can only get 1-2 hours of work done a day (if even that) because of constant thinking, and having such a strong need to distract myself.

Every little thing in my life causes me pain. I remember in one of my ayahuasca ceremonies, I had this vision of me looking at my to do list, in such deep anxiety and suffering, only because I was stuck in an anxious thought loop over the way my to-do list was formatted - like the order that the tasks were in, etc. There is just so much tension and suffering over even the smallest things, and it's been like this day after day for 7 years

The worst thing of all is that over the past year I've dealt with really bad heartbreak from a girl (we never got into a romantic relationship but I still got really attached to her). What makes it so bad is experiencing that heartbreak through the lens of all of these emotional issues I have. I got so addicted and attached to her because I needed her as an escape from my emotional pain so badly, and of course that drove her away and made her want nothing to do with me, and that heartbreak has been hell. That has been the absolute most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. I cannot get over her. It drives me insane every single day. I fucking hate that I have to be alive in a world where I have to be without her.

On top of that it drives me crazy that I'm 24 and a virgin. I'm a horny guy and I wish I could have sex so badly, and it makes me feel so inferior and emasculate that I can't attract a girl. Again, experiencing that through the lens of my horrible emotional state makes it 1000% times worse/more painful. Knowing that there's guys out there that get to fuck this girl I want more than anything, but I can't, and I have to stay in my situation and suffer.

On top of that I'm $30k in debt, almost bankrupt, can't work because of my condition, I'm stuck living with my mum who I do not like at all.

.

.

Throughout these 7 years, despite how ridiculously difficult it's been, I've always felt like it was there to grow me, and so there was always a part of me that was still somewhat on board with life, despite how bad things got. But over the past year, it's gotten so bad that it doesn't feel like just a challenge anymore, it feels like pure torment and cruelty. It feels like some sick, twisted hell that is torturing me and I can't get out of it. It's gone too far.

I've become so exhausted, burnt out, and sick and tired of my situation, that I absolutely despise life at this point and I have no desire to live. I do not like being alive, I don't want to be alive, I don't consent to being alive, I'm alive against my own will. I want to be dead. I don't want to participate in life, I don't want to 'play the game' of life. It's all gone too far and been too much, I'm just done with it, and I have been for a long time, but I keep living.

I've felt this exact way all year. I remember saying these same things to myself during a time in May when I got really burnt out and suicidal. I barely managed to convince myself to keep going, trusting that things would eventually work out. I kept going for a few months, then got really burnt out again in August, and for the first time I attempted suicide multiple times. I came to the unfortunate realization that it's a lot harder to kill myself than I thought, especially when I'm not 100% certain I want to do it. So I eventually decided to keep going with life. 

Then I did ayahuasca over the past few months, things got so much better, then I lost all my results when I got home and now I'm back in the same situation. So throughout this year I REALLY have been making an effort to make things better, despite how much I don't want to keep living. The fact that nothing has changed up to this point and I still want to be dead as much as I did at the start of the year, it just makes it even more convincing to end things.

I hate being alive so much and have such little desire to participate in life, that it makes me want to say: if anyone reading this wants me to keep living, then YOU do something about it. I know you'll say "take responsibility for your life and your situation, other people aren't gonna hold your hand". But that assumes that I even want to keep living or try so hard to improve my situation.

I'll do what I can to improve my situation if it's not too difficult and doesn't take too long, so I'm not totally helpless, but if it's going to take years of grueling work, then forget it. It's my right as an individual to not participate in life if I don't want to. That often feels like the only sense of control I have over my situation. I don't care if it's cowardly or not right to do something like that. I just don't care anymore.

[Leo Gura]

@Tristan12 Your issues require that you work with a therapist or someone like that who can give you one-on-one attention. Some internet talk is not going to be enough for your situation. You have to slowly work with a therapist to unravel all this stuff and work on your psychology bit by bit.

There is not going to be a simple one-shot cure here. Psychedelics can help but only as part of a larger theraputic agenda.

If you can afford a therapist please get one immediately. The most important thing for you at this point is to have face to face meetings with a professional.

Edited December 10 by Leo Gura

[Ulax]

http://ifsbuddy.chat/