I have become aware that I still have shadows to deal with in regards to dating

[whh2222]

Hey all,

 

Just wanted to share some recent insights. Maybe you all have something to contribute/share too.

I have moved to a new city a few months ago after getting laid off. My primary focus these past few months have been focused on my career and becoming financially stable again. Fortunately, I am finally starting to find my way with this, and it has allowed me to spend some time on my social life. One aspect of this I would like to focus on is dating. 

I went out with a girl who I met on a dating app. I had a great time. We laughed, played some board games at the brewery we went to, and I would be open to seeing her again. It was ultimately a positive experience. 

But I definitely notice that I have some shadows when it comes to dating, and I think it's part of the reason why I took almost a year off from it. These shadows are rooted in insecurity and self consciousness, as well as my frustrations with the state of the dating world and gender views.

I am still processing how I feel, and what these shadows mean, but one thing that definitely stood out was how most women I meet seem to have a disdain towards the male gender in a general sense. To give an example of this, my date and I were talking to a woman at the brewery who was talking about how she named her dog 'Percy Jackson' (idk who that is) but didn't know about the bad things percy jackson did and was speaking in a nervous rushed tone about how shes such a feminist and her disdain for men (even though her boyfriend was the bartender lol). I tried petting her dog and he barked at me, so I was like oh well.

As we continued on our date, we got on the subject of her dog and how I was disappointed that I couldn't pet him. And my date goes "Well thats probably because she was going off about how she hates men and now her dog is trained to hate them too" then she paused and said "But I hate men too" with a smile. I guess it was meant to be tongue in cheek?

When she said that, it came off too me as slightly rude. And it reminds me of many women who I have met who are nice and friendly in practice, but will openly express their disdain towards men right in front of me as if I shouldn't feel any kind of way about it. And I notice that hearing this kind of bothers me. I understand it from a systematic perspective. So maybe in their minds they feel as if talking this way is okay and just, and I shouldn't take it personally. And maybe I shouldn't, but I don't think they would be to keen on me saying "Yeah I get it, I hate women myself!" (I dont hate women, thats just a hypothetical conversation).

Hearing things like this feel off putting to me, and I often get the general feeling that women who don't know me assume the worse and see all men with a guilty until proven innocent kind of vibe. I notice that within the dating realm, I don't feel comfortable cold approaching in any aspect unless I am getting very clear signals for her to do so. I know ppl on her say cold approaching is the best way to talk to women, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel as if it is much easier to talk to and connect with women where we have more a mutual ground and general sense of their safety, like a friend group, social activity where we all are expected to be there, etc.

My views on this and experience with it definitely contributes to one aspect of the shadows that I still feel when it comes to dating. I am not discrediting the plight and fear women feel in the world, but I have no harmful intentions towards women. I don't even care to rush into sex anymore, as I value being comfortable with women and having more of a connection, but I feel as if most women see men as people who are guilty until proven innocent, and it definitely gives me anxiety about being open with them or trying to hit on them/flirt with them if I feel like I would want to. 

I guess to summarize all this, I feel kind of frustrated that I get pigeon holed with all men even though I try to be a kind, caring, and respectful guy. It makes me feel insecure, paranoid about how I interact with women, and makes it hard to be this confident guy that people claim women are looking for. I also generally don't like being told how women hate men and I am just expected to take that as being fine and okay. 

If I am looking at this the wrong way or missing something, I am open to that, and adjusting my perspective. I just want to heal my shadows and feel okay with all this, and making dating as enjoyable as possible. Thanks all  

[Letho]

@whh2222 Practice 30-second identity shifts to activate your brain's plasticity. This breaks ego-bound identity, aligning you with a deeper, untouchable sense of self beyond societal labels. It’s a tool for mastering feedback loops, allowing you to engage authentically without reacting to external judgments. I am presently working on a theoretical model for the mastery of consciousness feedback via meta-ontological awareness and one of those inescapable categories is identity. When and to the level that one is identity meta-aware, they're untouchable socially speaking. I literally don't know of anyone or anywhere where a similar model I'm working on that's to be completed in the next few days has been created though so that people like yourself can at least answer for this area of your sticking points socially speaking. This should just be one of other areas that you independently decide on is important for your actualization in moving beyond this what you should strive to only be a short term difficulty in your life.

[whh2222]

59 minutes ago, Letho said:

@whh2222 Practice 30-second identity shifts to activate your brain's plasticity. This breaks ego-bound identity, aligning you with a deeper, untouchable sense of self beyond societal labels. It’s a tool for mastering feedback loops, allowing you to engage authentically without reacting to external judgments. I am presently working on a theoretical model for the mastery of consciousness feedback via meta-ontological awareness and one of those inescapable categories is identity. When and to the level that one is identity meta-aware, they're untouchable socially speaking. I literally don't know of anyone or anywhere where a similar model I'm working on that's to be completed in the next few days has been created though so that people like yourself can at least answer for this area of your sticking points socially speaking. This should just be one of other areas that you independently decide on is important for your actualization in moving beyond this what you should strive to only be a short term difficulty in your life.

I am not familiar with this practice, but I will look into it. Thanks! 

[Princess Arabia]

Not all women hate men, and not all men hate women. Sometimes these people are only hating their own insecurities and ideas about them. Their misunderstandings. Now you're not liking your own thinking that all women are hating men and now it has made you start reacting differently and you are in your head about women. Deal with this on an individual basis and don't carry on your previous stories about what you heard others say about the opposite sex. It's pretty simple. Every moment is a new moment and the woman you may meet tomorrow may be one that loves and cherishes men, and you may sabotage that believing she hates men. You're doing the same thing those women are doing. Living in the head.

You don't have any shadows and don't need any practices other than to stop believing everything the mind is telling you including that you have shadows in dating, and live in the moment. We create our own demise. You have logically explained away why you're telling yourself these things and how they make sense. Ditch all that and see the next woman anew. You'd be surprised at how she may respond to you based on your state. You are only aware of the mind telling you things, not that you have shadows. Forget about all these modern fancy terms and see yourself as someone just seeing the light of day like a child and be curious about life. You have been programmed and now you're trying to unprogram by doing practices when all it takes is to see the world with a different lens. IT'S ALL SPONTANEOUSLY HAPPENING NOW. No past, no future. Use the mind to reference and hit the memory to remember important dates, birthdays, events etc. Treat life as something that doesn't have a chain of events and everything is new in the moment and you will be surprised at what unfolds.

Edited December 10 by Princess Arabia

[whh2222]

9 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Not all women hate men, and not all men hate women. Sometimes these people are only hating their own insecurities and ideas about them. Their misunderstandings. Now you're not liking your own thinking that all women are hating men and now it has made you start reacting differently and you are in your head about women. Deal with this on an individual basis and don't carry on your previous stories about what you heard others say about the opposite sex. It's pretty simple. Every moment is a new moment and the woman you may meet tomorrow may be one that loves and cherishes men, and you may sabotage that believing she hates men. You're doing the same thing those women are doing. Living in the head.

You don't have any shadows and don't need any practices other than to stop believing everything the mind is telling you including that you have shadows in dating, and live in the moment. We create our own demise. You have logically explained away why you're telling yourself these things and how they make sense. Ditch all that and see the next woman anew. You'd be surprised at how she may respond to you based on your state. You are only aware of the mind telling you things, not that you have shadows. Forget about all these modern fancy terms and see yourself as someone just seeing the light of day like a child and be curious about life. You have been programmed and now you're trying to unprogram by doing practices when all it takes is to see the world with a different lens. IT'S ALL SPONTANEOUSLY HAPPENING NOW. No past, no future. Use the mind to reference and hit the memory to remember important dates, birthdays, events etc. Treat life as something that doesn't have a chain of events and everything is new in the moment and you will be surprised at what unfolds.

is it an overreaction for me to consider that a red flag? For a  woman to so casually declare that she hates men? It wasn't very negatively charged, but it rubbed me the wrong way. 

[Jwayne]

@whh2222 It sounds like you have low testosterone. I would get your a hormone blood panel taken. Aside from that, you need to lead from sexual desire when it comes to dating women and stop overthinking the philosophical implications of every sentence that she makes.

[Princess Arabia]

3 hours ago, whh2222 said:

is it an overreaction for me to consider that a red flag? For a  woman to so casually declare that she hates men? It wasn't very negatively charged, but it rubbed me the wrong way. 

Cats fight other cats and dogs fight other dogs. So what. Cats and dogs fight each other. Alligators eat their prey. I don't see the prey losing sleep over it only defending themselves in the moment they're being eaten. Their bodies are sometimes equipped with things to fight off their prey naturally. Please do the same and worry about the female you really like being a man hater, if not there's no problem in that department. Men hate women all the time, nothing to do with me. Why would a man be attracted to be if he hates me, and even if he is attracted, I surely wouldn't give him the time of day for long because that hate would surely not take any time to be projected outward. 

You don't realize what that hate is doing to that woman, yet you say it rubs you the wrong way. No, pity her instead and be glad you're not the one poisoning yourself.

[Princess Arabia]

3 hours ago, whh2222 said:

is it an overreaction for me to consider that a red flag?

Only from her. Are you trying to date her? Then go approach until you get a green flag.

[whh2222]

11 hours ago, Jwayne said:

@whh2222 It sounds like you have low testosterone. 

Thats a bold claim to make without providing me any context or truly knowing who I am. 

Edited December 11 by whh2222

[whh2222]

9 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Only from her. Are you trying to date her? Then go approach until you get a green flag.

Yes from her. Is it a red flag when a girl says that on a first date lol. I'm just asking a simple question.

[Princess Arabia]

33 minutes ago, whh2222 said:

Yes from her. Is it a red flag when a girl says that on a first date lol. I'm just asking a simple question.

No, your question is not simple. Red flag could mean different things depending on the context. If you are dating her and she says she hates men, then yes it's a red flag FOR YOU. If she is just another female that you are not dating, then it doesn't matter to you if she hates men or not. You said she dates the bartender so how much is she hating.

If I told you I love men, you wouldn't bat an eye and make a post about it, don't you see how negativity is what drives the fearful mind. You are only concerned about your own survival agenda and concerned about how many other women you are trying to date will be hating men. Impossible to know. 

 

Edited December 11 by Princess Arabia

[whh2222]

7 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

 You said she dates the bartender so how much is she hating.

Ugh, you don't even have the story right lol. I'm talking about the girl WHO I WAS ON A DATE WITH.

 

Edited December 11 by whh2222

[Princess Arabia]

Just now, whh2222 said:

Ugh, you don't even have the story right lol. 

Never mind, you're right its just a story. No need to "ugh" someone trying to help. I don't need these types of responses, even if I misread something. Have a bit more compassion for people who reach out and tries to help. Not "Ugh" them. 

[Princess Arabia]

On 12/9/2024 at 11:17 AM, whh2222 said:

how shes such a feminist and her disdain for men (even though her boyfriend was the bartender lol)

What is this?

[Princess Arabia]

7 minutes ago, whh2222 said:

Ugh, you don't even have the story right lol. 

 

On 12/9/2024 at 11:17 AM, whh2222 said:

To give an example of this, my date and I were talking to a woman at the brewery who was talking about how she named her dog 'Percy Jackson' (idk who that is) but didn't know about the bad things percy jackson did and was speaking in a nervous rushed tone about how shes such a feminist and her disdain for men (even though her boyfriend was the bartender lol)

How do I not have the story right. Its right here. Please tell me.

[whh2222]

2 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

What is this?

Thats the context for why my date said she hated men. She was talking to that girl. Read the story. 

That 'ugh' is my frustration with crowdsourcing to forums. I try to explain things with good detail and people still don't seem to understand. 

[Princess Arabia]

11 minutes ago, whh2222 said:

Ugh, you don't even have the story right lol. I'm talking about the girl WHO I WAS ON A DATE WITH.

 

Doesn't matter. Another female that you say hates men, is dating a man. Anyway, i'm through with this thread. It's not worth my time if you're gonna "ugh" me even if I misunderstood something. 

[whh2222]

5 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Doesn't matter. Another female that you say hates men, is dating a man. Anyway, i'm through with this thread. It's not worth my time if you're gonna "ugh" me even if I misunderstood something. 

no please dont go, I need you 

[Princess Arabia]

2 minutes ago, whh2222 said:

no please dont go, I need you 

Lol, how can I resist that masculine plea. Lol