The News

[Princess Arabia]

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I exist because my parents fucked what do you mean? 

This is why I know there's something wrong with that picture, because you shouldn't have to suffer because of your dad's orgasm.

[Schizophonia]

11 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I exist because my parents fucked what do you mean? 

Yes daddy did a good job lol but but all this is duality.

You imagine that, but in reality from a non-dual point of view you are god who imagines experiencing sugarcoat.

12 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It’s funny 😹😹

Pov : Valentin and his mom after having make fun of mentally handicapped people

😹😹

12 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

You need duality to love because something loves something else you mean? 

Yes.

I guess there is a reason why god just not exist/suicide himself to be peaceful. 

[Schizophonia]

12 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

This is why I know there's something wrong with that picture, because you shouldn't have to suffer because of your dad's orgasm.

Lol it looks like the beginning of a psychoanalytic analysis.

[trenton]

@Irina Wolf hello, I'm Trenton. I'm writing to you because I want to do everything in my power to help you live a life you can be proud of. I have struggled with things like PTSD, depression, grief and so forth. I have studied several books and resources on emotional mastery and psychology hoping to help myself through these problems. I struggled with finding meaning and purpose while suffering from an abusive and dysfunctional family. Sometimes I turned to spirituality looking for purpose like you seem to do with the afterlife despite not being religious. I tried various therapists, treatments, and medications. I have helped people who were severely depressed and traumatized based on the things I researched. That all said, here is what I think might help you. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you want that for yourself.

3 hours ago, Irina Wolf said:

I don’t get why I still feel depressed.I have nothing to be depressed about. It just seems like, as soon as my life is actually safe and stable, my mind will make trouble for me. So it can despair like it always has. 

 

What if that’s all my brain knows? To suffer like my parents. 

One thing is for sure, they sure taught me how easy it is to grow up bitter. Sometimes I wonder if I already am. 

 

Maybe I’m not grateful enough for the life I live. The privileges and opportunities I have. Compared to others, my life is quite easy. I was reminded today of why I do not watch the news. The Netherlands is gaining more junkies, they showed videos of users passed out on certain locations. I cried. 

I thought the past was bad or I was just unaware of it as a child but the world/humanity seems to grow darker.
It’s hard to accept this as part of the trip. The other side of the coin.

I feel helpless actually. I wish I could help create peace. I wish I could donate money to those in need. I wish I had money. But I guess I’m also angry at myself, for staying in that victim role. Not really believing in myself to create real and positive change.

Or I’m just beating myself up again for not being good enough to save the world. Part of my shadow keeps holding on to the fear and pain or maybe it’s just a PTSD trigger or both at the same time. All this time I’ve been holding on to my responsibility for other people's happiness. I suffer when I see suffering. I feel I have no capability to change that. 

 

As if I have a responsibility to save the world. But perhaps that’s a path in the brain or an echo of the fact that it truly felt as if my world was crumbling when other people cried or shouted when I was a little girl. And once my mother eventually died, it felt as if the floor was taken out from under me, my mind scarred and my heart broken.

I constantly live life with a fear of death and who or what it can take away from me. A constant unsatisfied, itching desire to know if there’s a god or an afterlife at least. Because I never stopped feeling the need to see my mother. How do you let go of something that left such a deep traumatic impact on your brain from childhood.

The anger towards God because there’s no one else to blame for her death. The anger towards my mother for promising me to give me a visit if she discovered there was an afterlife. The years waiting for that. Maybe I’m just incapable of seeing her in the people and things around me.  I don’t get too close to you because I’m scared to lose you again. How needy of me. I carry your absence with me like a mascot.

I slept all day today. Maybe I should spend more time with others and stop worrying so much. But I don’t know how. I’m at an all time low and I cannot seem to get back up, for a year now.

I like to fantasize about how before I was born I made a deal with God for him to teach me what Love is in this life. I'm not religious. And here I am so darn torn about the absence of it. Thanks to Ram Dass I try not to take every thought so seriously and to have compassion for this one.
Am I truly compassionate towards others if I’m not compassionate towards myself? 

There I go worrying again. I just don’t know what I need right now.

Firstly, I see that you are trying to find a reason for your depression because you are trying to make sense of your suffering. Sometimes this can turn into a cycle of looking at past trauma trying to find out why. The hope is that if you work through whatever holds you back psychologically, then you can cure your depression and move on. This might backfire by keeping you stuck in rumination, thus reinforcing trauma patterns while stirring in emotions rather than processing and letting go. This can lead to bitterness, feeling not good enough, thinking you are weak, or other things of this nature.

I want you to understand that what you are going through is not easy. Your suffering might have many different sources and many different reasons. Based on what you shared when you said you were suffering like your parents, it might mean that your parents suffered from parental depression. This kind of depression and the psychology that comes with it can be programmed into you as a child based on constant exposure to the suffering of your parents. Children often blame themselves for their parent's problems because as young children the ego isn't fully developed and doesn't fully distinguish itself from the parents.

You may be describing learned helplessness as this victim mindset became a survival strategy to recognize the world as a threat, but I only know you from this post, so I can't be sure of everything I write here. You likely grew up in a seemingly dangerous environment like seeing all the horrible things on the news. I don't know what kind of trauma You might have or if somebody physically attacked you, but if they did then it might cause these kinds of behaviors to emerge. You don't act this way because you are not good enough, but rather because you feel unsafe and because you want to protect yourself. This does not make you a bad person and I want to be crystal clear that you are worthy of support and love no matter what you have accomplished. I know it sounds like a cliche with me trying to tell you hold on because there is always hope, but in reality I say this because I want nothing more than for you to feel worthy of love. I struggled with self love all my life and I would never wish this suffering upon you.

I see that you seem to be judging yourself as a bitter person and you seem conflicted with yourself by arguing that you should be grateful for how easy you have it. What you are doing is You are comparing your suffering to the suffering of others and then using the suffering of others to invalidate your own suffering. This is a form of emotional self abuse. Telling yourself you should be grateful because others have it worse. This is not conducive to healing because tough love does not work on trauma clients. It can backfire and entrench you in feelings of worthlessness for not being motivated enough, thus creating a painful cycle of self reinforcing depression. You must recognize that your feelings are validate and you are not immoral for feeling this way. I hope you don't deny your own suffering to yourself.

I want you to know that when you cry at the news, it is a sign of very strong emotional compassion and empathy. You see what it is like to suffer and you would never wish that suffering on other people. There are signs that you are a good person no matter what lies your mind is telling you about your unworthiness. That said, if it is impairing your ability to function, then you may need to work through it with a therapist. I don't want you to suffer this deeply over the daily news because it becomes something you avoid and fear. To be fully functional in my opinion I would want to be able to look at the news, understand it, but not be distraught or choose not to look at the news not out of fear but because you have something better to do. I don't want you to live in fear and avoidance or severe sadness. That seems to be where you are. You care too much and it is hurting you.

You mention that the world seems to grow darker. I understand why you may feel this way. For example, Trump was elected president of America despite having 34 felony convictions against him. I feel pessimistic about the future of America and the progress I will see in my life time. My country is so polarized that it makes meaningful change seem like a pipedream. Furthermore, there are things like climate change and poverty that carry significant threat now and in the near future. This can make it seem like the world really is getting worse. I can sympathize with you.

Nevertheless, I feel the need to challenge this stance. It is not a resourceful perspective and seems to drain you of your motivation. It reinforces a sense of hopelessness and futility that I don't want you to live in. The way I cope with these things is that I recognize I don't have control over these things. As much as I would love to save people from the horrors of terrorism, genocide, and war, there is only so much I can do as a lone human being with a picket sign. There needs to be a massive mobilization to change these things from all across the globe. You may be very compassionate, but your level of compassion seems much deeper than most people to The point that it hurts you. If you want to help others, then you need to limit the harm caused by your own sympathy. If most people don't share your compassion then it might be impossible to change the world to what you want in this lifetime.

Therefore, I would rather focus on self improvement and doing what I can to improve my life while helping anybody I can along the way just because I can. I don't need to save a million people to be a good person worthy of love. Perhaps you should consider the scale of change you set yourself for. Maybe you can't influence a million people, but You can offer love to the people on this forum who suffer like You do and would never want to suffer like this. This alone is the proof of your goodness and love even if you don't accomplish as much as Jesus Christ which seems to be the standard you hold yourself to. It is a mistake to the your sense of self worth to your ability to help others. For example, imagine I was a disabled blind homeless man and I was starving to death. Does my inability to help others mean I'm not good enough or unworthy of love? Don't tie your self worth to uplifting humanity like you need to be the saviour before you can love yourself. I know you might think you suck right now, but I want you to find it in you somehow to love yourself. Honestly, I struggle with this everyday. If I find a formula to self love, I will share it with everyone. I can't just preach love and peace at you until you feel happy and grateful.

I want to mention your victim mindset. What I found is that personal development sets unrealistic expectations for overcoming the victim mindset. In a sense, you have been through a lot of difficult things and objectively you are a victim. I found it helpful to validate these feelings of being hurt. Denying that you are a victim will not work. Rewiring your psychology is more complex than this. It is better to recognize that in some aspects of your life you may be a victim, but this doesn't have to limit you nor do you have to live like this permanently. You can be a competitor or a creator in other areas of your life. For example in my case, I am a victim of my abusive family, trauma, and depression, I am a competitor in chess tournaments against strong opponents, and I am creator in creative writing and in generating insights that I use to help people like you and many others just because I can. Try to look at yourself in a more nuanced way, considering these mindsets in different areas of your life.

This post is long. I will post more later.

There is more to it than what I said here. Please try to love yourself. That is all I want for you.

[Princess Arabia]

@trentonYour comment touched me and I I wanted to say thank you for reaching out to OP with such a heart-felt response. You did that from the heart and poured a lot of emotion and thought into it. I know your partial story too, and I could tell you could relate to what OP was expressing; and as a lover of life and humans you probably felt called to respond with so much love, care and compassion. It always touches my heart when I see genuine acts of love between humans shared with one another and when expressed in such a genuinely heart-felt way. When reading OP's post, i felt like responding because it touched me so and I could see parts of myself within it, but I decided not to, just to give myself space to not respond to everything that gives a rise in emotion within me and to allow for it to settle itself on it's own. I felt every word expressed on both ends and I just wanted to thank you because you didn't just reach out to OP but to anybody that read your words and probably needed to hear. That's the power of Oneness. 

[trenton]

@Princess Arabia thank you. I know sometimes I complain about my trauma and life situation. My goal isn't merely to make people feel sorry and pity me. The reality is that I know there are people out there suffering deeply like me. I know if I killed myself, then I would be unable to help others make it through these challenges by sharing what helped me. I know deep down if I can overcome the challenges I face in life, then I can use all the wisdom I gained along the way to help countless others. I have saved people from things like suicide, an existential crisis, kidnapping, and predatory loaning before. These people would be dead if I didn't find the strength to carry on. Humanity would be hurt if I killed myself. I try to find meaning in my suffering by using it to develop deep compassion and empathy and then using my wisdom to help whoever I can. I think my life purpose has something to do with this, but first I want to love and accept myself. Once I master this, I will be able to help an unknown number of people.

[Princess Arabia]

14 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Princess Arabia thank you. I know sometimes I complain about my trauma and life situation. My goal isn't merely to make people feel sorry and pity me. The reality is that I know there are people out there suffering deeply like me. I know if I killed myself, then I would be unable to help others make it through these challenges by sharing what helped me. I know deep down if I can overcome the challenges I face in life, then I can use all the wisdom I gained along the way to help countless others. I have saved people from things like suicide, an existential crisis, kidnapping, and predatory loaning before. These people would be dead if I didn't find the strength to carry on. Humanity would be hurt if I killed myself. I try to find meaning in my suffering by using it to develop deep compassion and empathy and then using my wisdom to help whoever I can. I think my life purpose has something to do with this, but first I want to love and accept myself. Once I master this, I will be able to help an unknown number of people.

Keep doing what you're doing and you're in my heart.❤️

[Sugarcoat]

3 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

This is why I know there's something wrong with that picture, because you shouldn't have to suffer because of your dad's orgasm.

What picture?

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Yes daddy did a good job lol but but all this is duality.

You imagine that, but in reality from a non-dual point of view you are god who imagines experiencing sugarcoat.

Pov : Valentin and his mom after having make fun of mentally handicapped people

😹😹

Yes.

I guess there is a reason why god just not exist/suicide himself to be peaceful. 

Thanks

Ok understood

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

What picture?

You said you exist because your parents had sex. So, I'm saying, that can't be what really happened because we as humans shouldn't have to bear suffering because our parents had sex, so something is wrong with that picture. Didn't ask to come here, but we have to figure life out. 

[ryoko]

It's just as you said. When there's no real problem, your mind will create imaginary ones. It's a real phenomenon. And especially if you have mental health problems. It can escalate when there's no actual problem or challenge. 

Part of it is your mindset, you beleive problems are a part of life 😂. Do you believe you can live without any problems? I think you don't. But you can. Problems are subjective. Nothing changes even if you die, everyone you know dies. Whenever you worry over a problem, ask yourself, "is it worth dying over?", and when you get a yes, you've found your purpose. Now you have a real problem to solve.

[Sugarcoat]

9 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

You said you exist because your parents had sex. So, I'm saying, that can't be what really happened because we as humans shouldn't have to bear suffering because our parents had sex, so something is wrong with that picture. Didn't ask to come here, but we have to figure life out. 

Ok

Edited December 8 by Sugarcoat

[trenton]

On 12/7/2024 at 1:25 PM, Irina Wolf said:

I feel helpless actually. I wish I could help create peace. I wish I could donate money to those in need. I wish I had money. But I guess I’m also angry at myself, for staying in that victim role. Not really believing in myself to create real and positive change.

Or I’m just beating myself up again for not being good enough to save the world. Part of my shadow keeps holding on to the fear and pain or maybe it’s just a PTSD trigger or both at the same time. All this time I’ve been holding on to my responsibility for other people's happiness. I suffer when I see suffering. I feel I have no capability to change that. 

 

As if I have a responsibility to save the world. But perhaps that’s a path in the brain or an echo of the fact that it truly felt as if my world was crumbling when other people cried or shouted when I was a little girl. And once my mother eventually died, it felt as if the floor was taken out from under me, my mind scarred and my heart broken.

I constantly live life with a fear of death and who or what it can take away from me. A constant unsatisfied, itching desire to know if there’s a god or an afterlife at least. Because I never stopped feeling the need to see my mother. How do you let go of something that left such a deep traumatic impact on your brain from childhood.

The anger towards God because there’s no one else to blame for her death. The anger towards my mother for promising me to give me a visit if she discovered there was an afterlife. The years waiting for that. Maybe I’m just incapable of seeing her in the people and things around me.  I don’t get too close to you because I’m scared to lose you again. How needy of me. I carry your absence with me like a mascot.

I slept all day today. Maybe I should spend more time with others and stop worrying so much. But I don’t know how. I’m at an all time low and I cannot seem to get back up, for a year now.

I like to fantasize about how before I was born I made a deal with God for him to teach me what Love is in this life. I'm not religious. And here I am so darn torn about the absence of it. Thanks to Ram Dass I try not to take every thought so seriously and to have compassion for this one.
Am I truly compassionate towards others if I’m not compassionate towards myself? 

There I go worrying again. I just don’t know what I need right now.

@Irina Wolf I hope you are doing better and I hope to hear an update on how you are doing. I'm ready to continue.

I want to start out by saying you are making a positive change weather you recognize it or not. You may not be helping millions but you can make a positive difference in every interaction you have with individuals by showing your capacity for compassion. Even by showing your deepest suffering you have helped me to find love and compassion within myself. I am part of the proof that you are valuable even if your mind lies to you and tells you otherwise. Baron Katie argued that many of us are doing good for others but don't realize it. She argued that even violent criminals inadvertently left a positive impact because their suffering in prison deterred children from going down the same path they did. I want you to recognize your goodness even if you don't see it now.

I want to tell you that I share many of your struggles. After a traumatic experience from my childhood, I tried to regain my sense of self worth by dedicating myself to a higher purpose cause to uplift humanity in the hopes that it would compensate my misery by proving my value to others. The problem is that my goals became grandiose and unobtainable just like yours. This in turn reinforced feelings of worthlessness because of my impossible standards. Although world peace would be beautiful, you need to recognize that most people in the world are not like you, making this goal unobtainable in our life time.

I don't know what your fear and ptsd is rooted in. You seem to have learned to blame yourself from your childhood. You need to understand that whatever abuse you faced is not your fault or something you deserved. I used to blame myself for everything including my father's abandonment and awful fights with my mom. Some of my traumatic memories left me feeling dirty and tainted as if I had become impure because of my actions. If you ever felt this way then you need to know that this is a trauma response and it is not reflective of reality. You may feel ashamed of yourself because you feel that you deserved to be hurt, but this is based on the fallacy of the just world as if your suffering must somehow be deserved. I felt this way when my dad made me commit crimes for him when I was child along with some messed up sexual situations. You need to have the realization that your feelings when rooted in trauma are not telling you who you are because you were always worthy of love.

So long as you hold the fundamental belief that you need to change before you can love yourself, you will be stuck in self sabotage. You are struggling to change your sympathy for the suffering of others even though it is rooted in your personal understanding of suffering. As children we learn to treat ourselves as if we are the cause of other people's emotions. In reality many people need to just grow up and learn to control themselves rather than lashing out to pin blame on you. You are not the only one who needs to take responsibility.

I can definitely relate to your fear of people shouting and crying. I am extra sensitive to this stuff too. When my family would yell and cuss me out, I would run away crying. This is part of normalized emotional abuse that society has deemed acceptable, or at least the people you interact with. They want you to take responsibility for their feelings, but they feel no need to take responsibility for your feelings. You sound like you were emotionally abused and you did your best to survive. Your current behavior is hard to let go of because it is a deeply ingrained survival strategy. You can't simply will your way out this. It takes a lot of love and support to change these things.

The death of your mother has clearly hurt you very deeply. Personally, I struggle with losing the person I loved and trusted most. There are no easy answers here. When you realize how much pain you feel after loss, it makes you afraid of getting close to other people because you want to avoid the pain of loss. This attempt to avoid suffering ends up backfiring by making it difficult to accept love from others, seeing that all of these bonds will ultimately fall apart upon death. The paradox is that suffering becomes unavoidable as avoiding loss leads to loneliness and isolation. This reinforces depression rather than escapes it.

I struggled with the death of my grandpa for a long time. After my father's abandonment he was the closest thing to a decent father figure in my life. He did everything in his power to stop me from going down the same path as my father. As a child I didn't realize how much he meant to me and I took it for granted. This led to shame as if I didn't love him enough while he was alive. I continued blaming myself for not valuing him enough. Losing someone close to us is like losing a significant part of your identity. This pain cannot be undone easily, but I found some ways to cope.

First of all, your mother clearly loved you deeply. She would not want you to feel this way. You may be punishing yourself because you wished you knew how much she meant to you. Did you try writing out what your mother would have wanted for you or writing a letter to her? This is a method used in therapy.

In my case, my grandpa wanted me to be good by avoiding the gang activity my father involved me in. I remembered his simple words "be good" as he was on one knee with his hand on my shoulder. I stayed true to what my grandpa wanted by rejecting the criminal behavior of my family and seeking to understand for myself what it means to be good. I valued his wisdom and guidance. Once I lost him, I was on my own to become my own guide by seeking wisdom. I became like him and I now share wisdom through deep self reflection to help others. Although his death was painful, it didn't shape me in a strictly negative way. I transformed it by emulating his positive values and virtues. I became my grandpa, and my goal is to offer myself the same love he gave me. Ultimately, I was successful in getting my mom off of drugs and evicting my abusive stepfather. I protected my siblings from physical harm and showed my love for them even while putting myself at risk.

I want you to understand what virtues and values your mother held. She cannot be here for you, so it is up to you to be here for yourself. How can you give yourself the same love your mother gave you? How can you embody that love and offer it to others in her absence? Do you have any qualities that make you like your mother? As much as you value her, you are just as valuable. Your mother knew you were worthy of this love, and you need to realize for yourself that she was right. This is how you can stay true to her wishes.

This spiritual forum would tell you, your mother is a symbol of love. Ultimately you are your mother and she is not separate from you. Your mother is love and so are you. The distinction between self and other is imaginary, not absolute.

As for the afterlife, I would submit to you that the afterlife is real. I literally have a picture of a ghost on this phone. She looks like a Victorian Era woman in a black dress. If you look at the evidence of ghost, you will find that they are real. I was skeptical at first, but I looked at the evidence and changed my mind.

Furthermore, there are people who had near death and outer body experiences. There are people who were clinically dead with no heartbeat and they came back to life anyway. They tell stories about consciousness without a body, kind of like a ghost. The afterlife makes you feel free and without the limits of the body. Perhaps in the after life our consciousness leaves our body and merges with universal consciousness, returning to God. You become nothing, yet you become all form. The afterlife is interesting to look into and these were my findings. Maybe not everybody comes back as a ghost as your mother wanted. Maybe we are not in control of what happens in the afterlife no matter our wishes.

You seem to consistently focus on weaknesses, your lack of energy, your worry and so forth. It may not be much but you can right a list of 100 good things about yourself or what you did. It may not emotionally make you feel worthy of love, but if you logically understand you are worthy of love, then it is a start that can help you get better.

Personally, I think you can be compassionate toward others without loving yourself. For me I beat myself up all the time for not being good enough even though I never say that to others. I can treat you with love and compassion to help me learn how to love myself. You can do the same since you clearly care for the suffering of others.

I hope you find value in my posts. If you have any updates I hope to hear from you.

I wish you the best. Good luck. 

[OmniNaut]

In doubt go to Ken 😄

@Irina Wolf 
I have been struggling with the same thing for a long time, overly sensitive periods that turn into almost stoic person as a form of self protection. It comes and goes in waves. But Hurts more, Bothers less is my way of accepting and even deeper exploring this side of me.