The News

[Irina Wolf]

I don’t get why I still feel depressed.I have nothing to be depressed about. It just seems like, as soon as my life is actually safe and stable, my mind will make trouble for me. So it can despair like it always has. 

 

What if that’s all my brain knows? To suffer like my parents. 

One thing is for sure, they sure taught me how easy it is to grow up bitter. Sometimes I wonder if I already am. 

 

Maybe I’m not grateful enough for the life I live. The privileges and opportunities I have. Compared to others, my life is quite easy. I was reminded today of why I do not watch the news. The Netherlands is gaining more junkies, they showed videos of users passed out on certain locations. I cried. 

I thought the past was bad or I was just unaware of it as a child but the world/humanity seems to grow darker.
It’s hard to accept this as part of the trip. The other side of the coin.

I feel helpless actually. I wish I could help create peace. I wish I could donate money to those in need. I wish I had money. But I guess I’m also angry at myself, for staying in that victim role. Not really believing in myself to create real and positive change.

Or I’m just beating myself up again for not being good enough to save the world. Part of my shadow keeps holding on to the fear and pain or maybe it’s just a PTSD trigger or both at the same time. All this time I’ve been holding on to my responsibility for other people's happiness. I suffer when I see suffering. I feel I have no capability to change that. 

 

As if I have a responsibility to save the world. But perhaps that’s a path in the brain or an echo of the fact that it truly felt as if my world was crumbling when other people cried or shouted when I was a little girl. And once my mother eventually died, it felt as if the floor was taken out from under me, my mind scarred and my heart broken.

I constantly live life with a fear of death and who or what it can take away from me. A constant unsatisfied, itching desire to know if there’s a god or an afterlife at least. Because I never stopped feeling the need to see my mother. How do you let go of something that left such a deep traumatic impact on your brain from childhood.

The anger towards God because there’s no one else to blame for her death. The anger towards my mother for promising me to give me a visit if she discovered there was an afterlife. The years waiting for that. Maybe I’m just incapable of seeing her in the people and things around me.  I don’t get too close to you because I’m scared to lose you again. How needy of me. I carry your absence with me like a mascot.

I slept all day today. Maybe I should spend more time with others and stop worrying so much. But I don’t know how. I’m at an all time low and I cannot seem to get back up, for a year now.

I like to fantasize about how before I was born I made a deal with God for him to teach me what Love is in this life. I'm not religious. And here I am so darn torn about the absence of it. Thanks to Ram Dass I try not to take every thought so seriously and to have compassion for this one.
Am I truly compassionate towards others if I’m not compassionate towards myself? 

There I go worrying again. I just don’t know what I need right now.

[NoSelfSelf]

Well you need to be surrounded by positive outside influences.Because everything outside of you is shaping your thinking, then your thinking shapes your emotions and based on those emotions you interpit that's who i am and what situation is.

At the core is ego,outside influences formes thinking that is poking the ego and what "holes" in the ego are poked that's what you feel based on how those thought makes you think about yourself(ego).

As a man im working from inside out,you as a woman work from outside in.

If you wish to become more masculine, then its backwards you form thinking about yourself that creates how you feel about yourself and based on that you come in situations.Man doesnt look at the past,people,surroundings to tell them how to feel about themselves because they create their own fundation.But its a process and i dont think woman can come there but i could be wrong.

 

 

Edited December 7 by NoSelfSelf

[Sugarcoat]

I didn’t read the entire post but a thought I had about depression is that our minds are not made for the average western lifestyle we have today. We have so much free time , so much comfort. In the past we would be worried and occupied by survival and have no time to be depressed because of this constant occupation and also thighknit community probably contributed too to us not being depressed vs today we are more isolated. 
 

It’s ofc possible to live the modern todays lifestyle with zero depression but this was a thought I had about what might contribute to it. 

Edited December 7 by Sugarcoat

[Princess Arabia]

1 minute ago, Sugarcoat said:

I didn’t read the entire post but a thought I had about depression is that our minds are not made for the average lifestyle we have today. We have so much free time , so much comfort. In the past we would be worried and occupied by survival and have no time to be depressed because of this constant occupation and also thighknit community probably contributed too to us not being depressed vs today we are more isolated. 
 

It’s ofc possible to live the modern todays lifestyle with zero depression but this was a thought I had about what might contribute to it. 

Please don't underestimate the power of poisons affecting our neurological systems. Lots of poisons in our foods today and can have effects on our moods and disrupt our hormones. Nobody speaks about this much, but it is a factor.

[Sugarcoat]

Just now, Princess Arabia said:

Please don't underestimate the power of poisons affecting our neurological systems. Lots of poisons in our foods today and can have effects on our moods and disrupt our hormones. Nobody speaks about this much, but it is a factor.

Absolutely. I agree. If one eats a bad diet

[Princess Arabia]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

Absolutely. I agree. If one eats a bad diet

It's not so much about eating a bad diet. They can be in your cows milk, water, frozen or canned food and also in chemicals used to clean your home.

[Sugarcoat]

Just now, Princess Arabia said:

It's not so much about eating a bad diet. They can be in your cows milk, water, frozen or canned food and also in chemicals used to clean your home.

I know there’s toxins in almost everything nowadays. If you eat a healthy diet, especially organic, it has less toxins, I don’t know how much of an effect it has though, how much it is in it. So I can’t say in that case. I think in most cases if a person eats healthy and are still depressed it’s probably not due to diet

[Princess Arabia]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

I know there’s toxins in almost everything nowadays. If you eat a healthy diet, especially organic, it has less toxins, I don’t know how much of an effect it has though, how much it is in it. So I can’t say in that case. I think in most cases if a person eats healthy and are still depressed it’s probably not due to diet

It helps of course; problem is, some aren't even aware of what "healthy" is. It's not so cut and dry and gmo's are prevalent too. An apple may not even be an apple these days. People might think cows milk is healthy, fluorinated water, eating wheat bread, it's very complicated if you're not educated in this field somewhat. Lots of misunderstandings. Eating mostly organic, fresh and whole is usually the better choice, but many unhealthy foods are lurking around as healthy to unsuspecting consumers who either misinterpret the packaging, e.g low fat, gluten free, thinking its healthy or meatless burgers filled with poisons. These are just random examples of how we may think we're eating something healthy but aren't. Not to mention those sports drinks advertised as healthy. 

[NoSelfSelf]

20 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I didn’t read the entire post but a thought I had about depression is that our minds are not made for the average western lifestyle we have today. We have so much free time , so much comfort. In the past we would be worried and occupied by survival and have no time to be depressed because of this constant occupation and also thighknit community probably contributed too to us not being depressed vs today we are more isolated. 
 

It’s ofc possible to live the modern todays lifestyle with zero depression but this was a thought I had about what might contribute to it. 

Funny thing today i figured out reason i was depressed.It goes deep but the cause of it so i dont write an essay if basically not being sure of oneself.Depression is being unsure of yourself on most aspects of life.

[Sugarcoat]

11 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Funny thing today i figured out reason i was depressed.It goes deep but the cause of it so i dont write an essay if basically not being sure of oneself.Depression is being unsure of yourself on most aspects of life.

It might apply to some with depression. I know a person with depression and they have struggle with self image too, unstable sense of self, so it might be what you mentioned. So mind will be all over the place. It can also be connected to having a negative self image. Or a disconnect from oneself. It’s a tricky topic and depression probably has a wide variety of causes 

Edited December 7 by Sugarcoat

[NoSelfSelf]

4 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It might apply to some with depression. I know a person with depression and they have struggle with self image too, unstable sense of self, so it might be what you mentioned. So mind will be all over the place. It can also be connected to having a negative self image. 

Exactly, negative self image is created by not being sure of oneself,so the more self image takes a hit and one is not sure of itself(have strong foundation like i said to lady in a thread) the outside impact will be stronger, self image gets a hit because its not matching the expectations the more the hit is personal the higher degree of depression.

Like if i dont find being asocial as my self image a problem,no matter how much i get a hit i wont get depressed(or affected in any way) ill get depressed if im not sure of myself(some aspect of my ego is fragile) and outside things keep hitting it/ruining my self image.Self image makes my self worth go down the more bad i feel about myself.

Edited December 7 by NoSelfSelf

[Princess Arabia]

2 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It might apply to some with depression. I know a person with depression and they have struggle with self image too, unstable sense of self, so it might be what you mentioned. So mind will be all over the place. It can also be connected to having a negative self image. Or a disconnect from oneself. 

The reason why I mentioned poisons, is because they can disrupt the hormones, create a neurological imbalance which can also cause one's dopamine levels to drop or oxy...levels (not sure of the mechanisms), but bottomline, drops the mood and creates those kinds of thought patterns. They can be related. There can be biological or neurological or psychological reasons why people think of themselves a certain way or develop low levels of dopamine. These can be traced back to certain poisons/chemicals in our food.

[Sugarcoat]

37 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

It helps of course; problem is, some aren't even aware of what "healthy" is. It's not so cut and dry and gmo's are prevalent too. An apple may not even be an apple these days. People might think cows milk is healthy, fluorinated water, eating wheat bread, it's very complicated if you're not educated in this field somewhat. Lots of misunderstandings. Eating mostly organic, fresh and whole is usually the better choice, but many unhealthy foods are lurking around as healthy to unsuspecting consumers who either misinterpret the packaging, e.g low fat, gluten free, thinking its healthy or meatless burgers filled with poisons. These are just random examples of how we may think we're eating something healthy but aren't. Not to mention those sports drinks advertised as healthy. 

I think if one sticks to Whole Foods and eats a variety of plants one is good to go. But ofc not everyone knows how simple it can be. 

[Sugarcoat]

27 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

The reason why I mentioned poisons, is because they can disrupt the hormones, create a neurological imbalance which can also cause one's dopamine levels to drop or oxy...levels (not sure of the mechanisms), but bottomline, drops the mood and creates those kinds of thought patterns. They can be related. There can be biological or neurological or psychological reasons why people think of themselves a certain way or develop low levels of dopamine. These can be traced back to certain poisons/chemicals in our food.

Yes it def contribute. That’s why I think a holistic approach is good. So taking care of what you put in your mind, your mindset, etc. It all plays a role

Edited December 7 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

25 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Exactly, negative self image is created by not being sure of oneself,so the more self image takes a hit and one is not sure of itself(have strong foundation like i said to lady in a thread) the outside impact will be stronger, self image gets a hit because its not matching the expectations the more the hit is personal the higher degree of depression.

Like if i dont find being asocial as my self image a problem,no matter how much i get a hit i wont get depressed(or affected in any way) ill get depressed if im not sure of myself(some aspect of my ego is fragile) and outside things keep hitting it/ruining my self image.Self image makes my self worth go down the more bad i feel about myself.

Bad self image can be created by others, by being unsure of yourself so you’re easily affected by outside. Or it can be created more internally like you have some ideal standard in your mind and you’re not meeting that so you have a negative self image of yourself, doesn’t need outside to tell you that you’re bad you still feel like you are. Or it can be both outside and inside. Like you can have an internal standard for yourself that comes from outside influence. You can be “sure of yourself” in a negative way, when you have bad self image. Ideally you’ll be sure of yourself in a positive or neutral way (like having the self image of being asocial but not caring about it like you said)

[NoSelfSelf]

4 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Bad self image can be created by others, by being unsure of yourself so you’re easily affected by outside. Or it can be created more internally like you have some ideal standard in your mind and you’re not meeting that so you have a negative self image of yourself, doesn’t need outside to tell you that you’re bad you still feel like you are. Or it can be both outside and inside. Like you can have an internal standard for yourself that comes from outside influence. You can be “sure of yourself” in a negative way, when you have bad self image. Ideally you’ll be sure of yourself in a positive or neutral way (like having the self image of being asocial but not caring about it like you said)

Yeah and if its a mix then its no good either (when i say good im coming from paradigm of my idea of best life).

So ultimately when one has foundation there are no good/bad its just is,it makes who i am and the bad is only bad if its stops me from something,then one must get rid of it.

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Yeah and if its a mix then its no good either (when i say good im coming from paradigm of my idea of best life).

Because you think it should all be internally based, I’m guessing . One should remove the outside influence.
 

1 minute ago, NoSelfSelf said:

So ultimately when one has foundation there are no good/bad its just is,it makes who i am and the bad is only bad if its stops me from something,then one must get rid of it.

 When one is sure in oneself (has foundation) it’s neutral how one is, unless its a hindrance, if I’m getting you. 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

Because you think it should all be internally based, I’m guessing . One should remove the outside influence.
 

 When one is sure in oneself (has foundation) it’s neutral how one is, unless its a hindrance, if I’m getting you. 

 

Should/shouldn't is all on the individual im expressing my prefrence.I want to be so sure of myself because my aim is to be most effective as possible.I value my inner growth over materialistic gain and worlds/humans connections/ways.Ofcourse my aim is materialistic and all inbetween, but its not about it,its about me being completely independent psychologically.So the more outside influences i have its just shows me where im lacking in my own influence over me.

Its neutral because you dont compare it to nobody, so there are no emotional reactions or problems, its just i see this is not effective lets remove it because its not serving me to where i want to go/want to be for me.

 

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Should/shouldn't is all on the individual im expressing my prefrence.I want to be so sure of myself because my aim is to be most effective as possible.I value my inner growth over materialistic gain and worlds/humans connections/ways.Ofcourse my aim is materialistic and all inbetween, but its not about it,its about me being completely independent psychologically.So the more outside influences i have its just shows me where im lacking in my own influence over me.

Its neutral because you dont compare it to nobody, so there are no emotional reactions or problems, its just i see this is not effective lets remove it because its not serving me to where i want to go/want to be for me.

 

Understood. I know it’s your way of thinking, and it’s unique 

Edited December 7 by Sugarcoat

[NoSelfSelf]

10 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Understood. I know it’s your way of thinking, and it’s unique 

To conclude with a quote i heared today:if there are 1000 unique men in the room, there will always be the one so unique, its like he can stand on the top of the needle from the rest,be that one.