I made an effort and failed miserably

[caspex]

This post is about procrastination. I know a lot of people deal with it, and that there are many resources out there to help me out but I have looked at a lot and nothing has helped me. I have an exam tomorrow, it's 6PM, and I still do not feel anything.

To give you the context, I never studied growing up, like many, I crammed stuff last second or got by with what I understood in the class alone. Fast forward to when I am 18, I pass highschool by studying last minute once again.

I took up a very difficult course after that on the advice of my father, while I was living alone at the time, with absolutely no one to guide me. The course has 3 levels, and the first level had a pass rate of 24%, I started studying for that 11 days before the actual exam, after having done nothing related to it in the last year of highschool. Normally you take up foundational subjects related to that course such as maths in highschool towards the end.

I hadn't done that but somehow, maybe by sheer luck, passed the exam.

This was my limit though. The intermediate portion of this course is so difficult it asks of you to study at least 8 - 12 hours per day for at least 4 months to be able to pass it with great marks. As you would have guessed, due to my track record, I hadn't developed any sort of work ethic or discipline. I started living with my parents again back in October last year and I vowed to beat my procrastination. I was aware, fully aware of my procrastination and the consequences it would lead up to. I started studying for Intermediate since Jan. 1, a month later I got slow again. Another 30 days go by and I finished one of the 8 subjects.

From that point on, I wasted many of my days, I studied, but then took breaks. I was diagnosed with severe anemia due to years of bad eating habits, I got that fixed and thought that all of my laziness problems were due the low hemoglobin. My blood is completely fine now, I have even taken supplements and vitamins keeping my mind in perfect shape. But let me tell you that as this year comes to a close, nothing has changed about my mindset.

I was supposed to pass the exam back in September. Now I considering giving only half of the subjects in Jan and giving the other half in May next year. I successfully wasted a full year, due to my procrastination habits.

I see myself falling into the old problems that I have tried to tackle for a whole year now, but nothing seems to work. Even now with an exam of mine being tomorrow of another course I have taken (which is simply the earlier, more complex course, just in a simpler form), I seem to not care and have procrastinated the entire day.

I am exactly where I knew I would be months ago if I continued with my procrastination, and I still let it happen. I saw the days go by, I vividly remember each month and week this year, telling myself that if I don't fix up I am done for. And I still let it happen.

I am at a point where my procrastination prevents me from beating it. Even now, I write this post as a method to procrastinate.

What hurts more is that I have lied to my parents, they think I am studying a lot and it's the course that's too hard. No, the truth is that I have wasted many months. I hate tricking the people I love. I would have been done with my academics at 23 and done many things if I just didn't procrastinate. I am 21 now, I have lost close friends, a social life and gave up a lot of time just to pretend that I am studying. I have nothing to show for this entire year.

[Letho]

Your problem is "Who am I?" Outside of others. It's why you lie. You wouldn't fucking lie if you had sense of self like a belt wrapped around your fucking pants. So you're walking around with your pants down coming up with fabrications so others don't notice as you don't know how to pull them up. Well I just told you how. Deep contemplative slow building of  emotional intelligence. That's what you need. Not this fucking academic bullshit that's meandering around most subjects anyway being taught at a max level usually at IQ 120, no once you've done a course even one that's self designed that'll develop your emotional intelligence then you'll not only have the confidence gained from completing it you'll have the competence gained by now being able to manage your states of consciousness that best correspond to you taking not just action but meaningful action where your social reference frame begins and ends with you and where any social additions to that are only where they're complementary to your sense of self therein. No mother fucker knows this shit these days, and the unis are not gonna tell your unwise ass they want you laying at the desperate sugar lick man. You need your own self scope on a personal existential kaleidoscope you can do reruns on continuously to the point where your internal narratives are no longer dominated by external authority and are working more and more to creating internal authority where the outside is again, solely and only complementary.

Love your folks no matter what. Love people no matter what. And use those two virtues to manage how you're going to execute the previous paragraph and vice versa. Now hit the fucking ball off the T and get your home run and don't call it quits until you've made it the whole way as well as using your time wisely to do so. Peace.

[caspex]

@Letho Thanks man. Ill take your advice. I'll be me, I'll be authentic. Truth is naked.

[Letho]

@caspex no problem. The universe rewards accurate physics. It's not against you and that's what you always need to remember. It's for you in as much as you're for it. It's difficult sometimes to handle I get it, but results are going to happen as a result of the progression we make in the journey not as a result of what we want or when we want the results to happen.