My Fantasy journal

[Buck Edwards]

I don't know where to start but a fantasy world is better than a real world. 

 

Edited 13 hours ago by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I have sexual fantasies too. 

Different types. 

In my fantasy world I imagine both good and bad things. 

These fantasies are a doorway to my psyche. 

I probably didn't want this life, this existence. So there's a strong need to be attracted to fantasies. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Maybe I wanted domestic tranquility. 

Maybe I craved domestic bliss. 

Either way it was supposed to be something really powerful.

What happens when you hate life? 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My fantasies range from sexual to something evil or strange, weird, dark, odd. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

In almost all of my fantasies there's a factor of control, power, dominance, possession, need to be controlled, authority and submission. 

There's also archetypal components in these fantasies that relate to subjects of good, evil, limerence, mercy, psychopathy, greed, tolerance. 

The fundamental theme of these fantasies is — "I want to feel good." 

But the way to feel good or better does not follow a straightforward route. Rather it goes through a convoluted pipeline of dirt, confessions, love, romance, sex, domination, control, exposure, vulnerability, masculine feminine polarity and a sense of security from authority. 

Why!??? 

 

Maybe these fantasies are an escape route from an inner world of frustration and pain, torment and anger and helplessness. 

 

 

Edited yesterday at 03:01 PM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Some of my fantasies are rape fantasies. I don't know why I have them. But I have them. 

And there's a sense of comfort in these rape fantasies. 

No I don't wish to be gang raped. That would be awful. 

But I have an inclination to be desired in a sexual way by a male especially in a way where I feel coerced and raped. It's something I find hard to confess. But it regularly bothers my mind. 

It's tough to be this vulnerable without feeling like prying eyes are judging me. 

Like I should be forcefully taken. I should be stripped off that layer of innocence. Like I have the art of writing that can make a male horny. 

 

 

Edited yesterday at 03:13 PM by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

My fantasies could also be driven by trauma I felt as a child. I experienced tremendous trauma as a child. Somehow I feel like I remained trapped in the identity my mind created as a child. 

Why do people do drugs? 

Why do people chase sex? 

Why are people addicted to alcohol? 

Why do people engage in dirty fantasies? 

These must be either escape mechanisms or coping mechanisms. 

Why do people turn to spirituality?  

Maybe people find their closure in something, anything. Maybe they want that closure really badly. Is this closure God? I often contemplate on these subjects. 

Maybe this is how people find their closure. The phenomenon of spiritual bypassing? 

I don't know. 

I think the last thread that broke my back is my family turning away from me. 

[Buck Edwards]

My sister makes me ask her validation which is terrible. 

[Buck Edwards]

In my fantasy, I wanted to be dominated. Captured. Conquered. Taken. 

 

Edited 13 hours ago by Buck Edwards