Mescaline HCl Trip Report - Healing my shame

[Tristan12]

My first time doing mescaline (this is the synthetic HCl form). Total dose was 200mg

I took 100mg at 9:18am, mixed with water and drank it, on an empty stomach. After about 20 minutes I started to feel a soft buzz in my face. It’s 9:44am, I’m laying on my bed listening to Venice Bitch by Lana Del Rey, and everything feels so gentle and smooth. My thoughts are reduced, there is this beautiful, peaceful, airy sort of feeling. I feel a little nauseous, but not much. 

I can feel that this medicine is very gentle, soft and loving like how people say, similar to how I imagine MDMA would be. I’ve known for a long time that I’ve needed really soft and gentle love, like how a mother would love a small child. That’s something I didn’t get enough of as a child and I’ve felt many times in the past that that kind of love is what I need. Even though my previous ayahuasca and Bufo trips were great, I felt like I never really got that gentle love from it, but it feels like that is totally possible from Mescaline. Feeling this gentleness, this love, this ecstasy, and crying and purging from this place, this is EXACTLY what I need.

I started to feel into my shame a bit, and I started to cry, but when I cry, it doesn’t feel like just an emotionless purge like how it did on ayahuasca, it feels like someone is there with me listening to me and comforting me because of the ecstasy and love of this medicine, and that’s exactly what I need. My body feels warm and is buzzing all over, and it feels great. I started to feel like I don’t deserve an experience like this, I don’t deserve softness, gentleness, love and euphoria, but feeling into those thoughts and feelings helped me to release my shame more.

The love was pretty gentle and soft throughout the whole trip, but I remember there was a moment around this point in the trip where it was mixed with ecstasy as well, which really amplified the love and softness, and to cry out my emotional pain while in that state was absolutely incredible, and I would love to have more experiences like that.

 

Second dose

I eventually stopped working on my shame as much, and continued to listen to music, lying on my bed. It’s 11:13am. Overall everything feels great, there’s no issue, but it’s very light and I want to do deeper work on myself, so I took another 100mg. I noticed throughout this whole trip, that the nausea was pretty minimal, and whatever I did feel wasn’t really uncomfortable because it was overlapped by the body high. Maybe it’s because I took it on an empty stomach and took two light doses.

It’s 11:50am, I can feel it getting deeper. I’m listening to music, on my bed under a blanket, and I can feel myself starting to go into my shame again because that’s where I want to go. I can feel the love of the medicine helping again like it did before, and it’s pushing me to go into my shame, but it’s uncomfortable going into it, because I know I will have to face it and feel through it all. 

I have a few hours by myself at home until my mum comes home, but I keep thinking about how much I wouldn’t want her to hear me crying and reacting like this. Even though I know she won’t be coming home until later, I keep thinking about her hearing me. 

I started thinking to myself, my mum makes me feel more shame and socially anxious than anybody else, and I am trapped living with her and cannot get away from her. As long as I’m around her, I’m not free because I can’t express myself. The only way past that is to become comfortable expressing myself around her and not let the shame I feel around her affect me anymore. She’s where I originally got it from anyways, so you will only really be free by facing and resolving the source.

I kept crying more and more as I thought about the shame my mum makes me feel. I could feel the medicine getting stronger and taking me deeper. I realized that me being afraid of my mum hearing me cry is something I need to purge, because that fear comes from the shame I hold inside. Another thing I realized is that part of being authentic is expressing myself and my authentic needs, telling her when she does something that bothers me, and continuing to enforce it and rebel against her if she doesn’t listen and respect it. I have the right to do that.

 

Thinking about my abandonment trauma

After all of this, I started to think back to my original abandonment wound around my mum, the wound that caused all of this shame. I started to feel how it felt to be a small child, 3 years old, and for my mum to walk away from me and leave me when I was hurt, crying and upset, and I really needed her. I felt how ashamed that made me feel. All alone, nobody loved me or cared about me enough to help me. I felt like an outcast, like there was something so wrong and bad about me. I could see how extremely painful shame can be, especially when there is this much of it.

It was hard to get myself to go deeper into it. I was wanting the medicine to force me in deeper, so I could sit with it and release it, because it was hard having to willingly go into it, and eventually it seemed to do that. It got a bit uncomfortable and I started to want to not be in this experience, but I realized I was being forced to feel deeper into my shame exactly how I wanted.

Throughout all of this I was crying really hard and loud. I was so happy about this experience that I was having, because I have been wanting to work on and release this shame for a long time, it’s been my top priority for things I want to heal, and I was not only addressing it, but it was being done in such a loving and gentle way, exactly as I needed. I cried a lot throughout this whole trip, really deep and hard.

 

Releasing tension in my body

Throughout all of this I was shaking my body a lot, and starting to hit my thighs. There was a lot of tension in my body that needed to be released. I decided to grab my foam roller and go on the floor and start using it. Amazing idea! I used it on my thighs. I was groaning and breathing so loud as I used it, and it felt so good. When I would use it on my hamstrings, especially higher up and more along my inner thigh, I would start crying really hard. I think using a foam roller was such a good idea because I feel like I released so much more tension in my thighs than I would have by hitting them or shaking my legs, and it was great for doing more emotional purging. After doing foam rolling and some stretching, I feel significantly more flexible and loose than I’ve ever been, more than months of sober stretching I’ve done in the past.

I also used the foam roller on the front part of my shoulders, and I spent time massaging that area with my fingers. That led to some emotional release as well, and I feel like I released a lot of tension there. I got the craving to bite down really hard on something, so I got a flattened toilet paper roll that I brought home from my ayahuasca retreat after using it there, and I bit down on that. That felt awesome, and I released a lot of tension in my jaw. I then used it in combination with massaging the front of my shoulders. That area is really tense and painful, and by biting down hard, I felt like that made it easier to release the pain and tension.

I had moments of really intense crying and emotional release, largely from the beautiful music I was listening to. I would go back and forth between crying hard and feeling into emotions, and doing physical work to release tension in my body. This is just what I felt like doing but I feel like that works perfectly for healing trauma.

 

Other realizations

I realized that I won’t ascend to God and reach massive spiritual development while still having all these emotional wounds, and still being so hurt and crippled by them. I will fully recover from them, 100%, as if I never had them to begin with, and I will reach God in a totally clean, pure, healed state, left with only the wisdom and development gained by suffering from excruciating emotional issues for the first 24 years of my life. All of the emotional baggage I have can be overcome and released, despite how deep it is, and I will reach God and wholeness as if I never even lost my wholeness to begin with.

I realized that using a substance like mescaline was perfect for me. I’ve known for a long time that very gentle, motherly love is what I really need, and so choosing to work with a psychedelic that can most easily provide that is the most intelligent choice for me to make when picking a psychedelic to use for healing.

When I get farther into healing my shame, there’s a point that I reach where I feel like it’s very hard for me to go much farther, because I’m really getting out of my comfort zone at that point. At that point it’s like I don’t want to let go of my shame beyond that, because it’s comfortable for me, and fully letting go of my shame and being totally open and authentic is scary, unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me. I think more trips to gradually heal my shame at deeper levels, along with pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone in social situations and be authentic and expressive when I feel okay enough to do so, I think that will help me.

 

Conclusion

By the end of the trip, and since it’s finished, I definitely feel a big improvement in how I feel emotionally, and my body feels so loose and relaxed, and like such a significant amount of tension has been released. I’m so grateful that I was able to work on my shame, because that’s what I wanted to work on the most, and the beautiful loving energy of mescaline felt like exactly what I needed. It was amazing. I’m grateful for how much healing I got considering that this was just meant to be an introductory trip, so I’m glad I took a second dose. 

Along with the gentle, loving energy of mescaline, I noticed it also feels kind of foggy and airy, like there is fog in between my perspective of everything. In between me and my thoughts, my perception of the external world, by perception of how I’m acting. It’s hard to judge or make sense of what is going on because it feels like I can’t see or perceive it clearly. This isn’t anything negative, it’s just an effect. I also didn’t have any visuals at all. I thought everything had a purple glow to it, but then I realized I had a purple light on. 

Amazing experience, I definitely want to work with mescaline again. 

Attached are two audio clips, one of me crying, one of me using my foam roller

Crying.mp3

Foam Roller.mp3

Edited December 3 by Tristan12

[PurpleTree]

Beautiful