Contemplating why I panic in relationships

[Oppositionless]

Pickup works , I have a girlfriend now. She's moving to Spain in two months so this is a perfect opportunity to commit to something for two months but I'm finding it difficult because I panic and over analyze the situation. I'm super avoidant and it's bringing me into contact with anxious women. Codependence is a big red flag. I'm also full of red flags myself such as lying , strong avoidant attachment style 

[Oppositionless]

[NoSelfSelf]

Huge problem i see on the forum is lack of specific self awarness.You are just describing your interpretation of what you are experiencing,without knowing what actually you finding difficult and what situation.Then you will get as vague answer.

Edited December 1 by NoSelfSelf

[Buck Edwards]

What is the thing that you're specifically worried about. 

 

[Raze]

Try ifs therapy 

[Emerald]

Do you have any experiences in childhood with controlling parents? This is a common reason for relationship avoidance.

Another common reason is if we had family members going over our boundaries frequently when we were growing up. This creates the sense that "connection means allowing people to go over my boundaries."

In both of these patterns, the main over-riding theme is the sense of connection and authenticity/boundaries/freedom being mutually exclusive, where you can have one but not the other.

Does any of this resonate with you?

[Loving Radiance]

In addition to what Emerald proposed above, it also can be low self-worth expressing in core beliefs like "I am not good enough.", "I am unlovable.", "I am powerless", etc. Avoidance of intimacy and depth in order to avoid fear of rejection, in order to avoid shame, in order to avoid hurt and feeling low in worth.

 

Embrace intimacy and do deep conscious breaths when you feel like running away. Embrace your emotions which you would avoid feeling when you are avoidant. Only step outside your comfort zone as much as you can manage: have a balance of embracing your avoidant tendency (creating distance and having alone time to breathe) and going out of your comfort zone (creating closeness and going into intimate situations and relaxing into them).

Toxic self-reliance is toxic. More often than not, accept her help when she offers it (even if you think you can manage on your own). Ask her for help when you need it (don't trust your mind or automatic behaviors) and accept feeling weak. Take a moment and do deep belly breaths before you do it in order to ground yourself in your body. Again, only step outside your comfort zone as much as you can manage.

Connect to your emotions and feel into them daily. (google "insighttimer Morning IFS Parts Check-In | Jenna Riemersma" and open the site on your desktop or in desktop mode on your phone)

Surrender to the feeling that she could become dependent on you. Surrender to the discomfortable feeling arising in your body. Breathe deeply and feel it. Same here, only step outside your comfort zone as much as you can manage.

[Oppositionless]

On 12/1/2024 at 4:36 AM, NoSelfSelf said:

Huge problem i see on the forum is lack of specific self awarness.You are just describing your interpretation of what you are experiencing,without knowing what actually you finding difficult and what situation.Then you will get as vague answer.

I'm afraid of disappointing her. And of losing my freedom 

[Oppositionless]

23 hours ago, Emerald said:

Do you have any experiences in childhood with controlling parents? This is a common reason for relationship avoidance.

Another common reason is if we had family members going over our boundaries frequently when we were growing up. This creates the sense that "connection means allowing people to go over my boundaries."

In both of these patterns, the main over-riding theme is the sense of connection and authenticity/boundaries/freedom being mutually exclusive, where you can have one but not the other.

Does any of this resonate with you?

Yes, to an extent. I actually didn't think my parents are controlling but what I did realize is they had an unhealthy relationship with lots of fighting when I was a kid so I associated intimate relationships with conflict.

[Hojo]

When you are attached to something you think about it

When you think about it you go to extremes and things that dont exist or wont ever exist

Now when you meet the person the imaginary scenarios of that person dumps out of your subconscious mind and you fuck up.

Don't think about scenario or person think about why am I thinking about this on a deeper level.

The answer is almost always I have no faith in God.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, Oppositionless said:

Yes, to an extent. I actually didn't think my parents are controlling but what I did realize is they had an unhealthy relationship with lots of fighting when I was a kid so I associated intimate relationships with conflict.

That makes sense. There could be an underlying belief that "intimate relationships always lead to conflict." And that could certainly be a reason for avoidance.

[Oppositionless]

8 hours ago, Emerald said:

That makes sense. There could be an underlying belief that "intimate relationships always lead to conflict." And that could certainly be a reason for avoidance.

That makes a lot of sense and I seem to manifest it because of that belief. Or perceive it when it's not there.

Edited December 3 by Oppositionless

[Atb210201]

Are you suggesting that you want to cheat on your girlfriend and you're having second thoughts about it and this is a problem??

[Oppositionless]

On 12/3/2024 at 10:54 AM, Atb210201 said:

Are you suggesting that you want to cheat on your girlfriend and you're having second thoughts about it and this is a problem??

No I'm quite happy with one woman. You can't go deep with a harem. My anxiety stems from any type of relationship. It would be 100x worse with multiple women.

Edited December 11 by Oppositionless

[Atb210201]

17 hours ago, Oppositionless said:

No I'm quite happy with one woman. You can't go deep with a harem. My anxiety stems from any type of relationship. It would be 100x worse with multiple women.

Are you having anxiety and panic attacks with your relationship with your current girlfriend?

And if so are those about you and her?

Or is it about something else?