Psychedelic and suicide ideation

[TheSomeBody]

So it all started when I was 16 and had really bad depression and suicidal thoughts, my mind was really corrupted by materialism and theism and mainstream science ideas. Mainly because truth it my highest value so I studied science all day long pretty much. Maybe the depression part is genetic or something but materialism did not helped at all.

 

I was given ssri and it stopped my depression and suicidal thoughts and me being a human being with emotions too.

 

When I was 18 I stopped the ssri and I was emotionally blunt same as with ssri but my emotions started to come back and I had suicidal thoughts again and I didn’t wanted to get back to the ssri because it was like being a zombie. I read about shrooms to help with it and I was like it is better than killing myself so I took it.

It was really helpful for my depression  (pretty much ended it) and I was really curious how it works and the more I discovered the more I needed to destroy materialism.

But I was so young , I took them when I was 19 years old and I wanted to use more psychedelics. But it is not recommended for this age, also I was very attached to societal view on psychedelics and still was materialist so I decided to do a BA in psychology and philosophy to verify what leo and other mistics say and also maybe make some kind of career because I need money like everyone ( I did LP course of leo, over all I have don’t it 4 times every 2 years). I leant mainly materialist theories of conciseness in uni and the more I studies the more stupid they looked like till I stopped believing in materialism.

I didn’t had any depression or suicidal ideation during my studies, I struggled mainly with ADHD till I found and it looked pretty promising career for me. I could make good money from it , it wasn’t devilry, really revolutionary treatment , I could make lots of money and then talk about psychedelics and philosophy and all the things I like and had money to support myself.

So I was teaching this method to other people and got some results but the more I worked in this business I could do less and less each day till I couldn’t do anything. It sounds good but I don’t want to help people with ADHD , I want to learn about truth! I like conciseness because it is dealing with truth and I really liked to discover all the mechanism of the mind which this method helped me with some of them, till I discovered them and I had no interest in them.

 

So I got all my plans destroyed , I didn’t had any idea what to do with my life because leo says you need to get money  and be indented and also not have depression and suicidal ideation so I was kinda stuck.

And I talked about this with my psychologist, and lots of the information was in hindsight here , I didn’t know that I wanted to do psychedelics, I just looked for what I can do instead of my ADHD biz, till we talked about that I want to do psychedelics and pretty much nothing else for now,I am just worried about finance in the future because now I am fine and I avoid psychedelics because it is not recommended and because I had some fear from ego death experience i had but I think it is less relevant because I had some solutions (just do it or taking something lighter and work my way from there)

 

I am stuck in a some kind of a loop of being depressed and suicidal , then thinking about doing psycadelics, being normal and happy , getting scared of it, thinking doing something instead, getting depressed and suicidal instead and it repeats.

 

On one hand I don’t have any money making LP (not money making LP I do have) and I cant pressure anything that will make me money because it will make me depressed ,I have neuroticism and suicidal ideation when I don’t do psychedelics at least so I am kinda confused on if I should just do psychedelics.

Even my psycologist tell me that I should do it but something stopping me.

 

Anyway, I don’t really know the solution go get me to do it. Maybe encouragement?

 

   

Edited November 29 by TheSomeBody

[Oeaohoo]

When I was a late teenager I dabbled in psychedelics and it exaggerated my suicidal tendencies. I was living in London at the time and I used to feel a strong urge to throw myself in front of the tube…

 

[puporing]

Depression + suicidal ideation are (usually) a sign you can (and probably should) awaken further.. I would not recommend taking on what mainstream tells you about depression and suicidal ideation, they don't understand it from a spiritual standpoint, all they try to tell you to do is to "DISSOCIATE IT" with drugs and whatever. It could well be something spiritual (that this world simply does not understand and does not want to understand). Even your "top gurus" do not understand it! Be careful whom you are taking advice from (especially people who are not even remotely spiritual).

I can pretty confidently claim at this point that nobody (that I've come across) understands it from a spiritual perspective, because none of the spiritual teachers, therapists, "doctors" I have come across has experienced this "substantially" themselves. They all treat it as a problem, but it is not a problem actually. I STRUGGLE WITH THIS EVERY FKING DAY. Actually, the closer you are to the truth, the more you will have these feelings.

Anyway if you feel like reaching out feel free, I am familiar with such topics.  I am experienced with shrooms, not much else though.

Edited December 5 by puporing