Letting go of spirituality

[trenton]

I noticed something significant during my walks as I thought about my ego reactions. Firstly, I noticed how I compared myself to other seemingly more conscious or intelligent people. I noticed how my mind was wrestling with something until I labeled this movement in my mind and body as envy. I started evaluating why I had this reaction.

As I let go of current thoughts and patterns I noticed older memories and novel thoughts would take their place. I wanted to follow this rabbit hole and see where it took me. What eventually came up was my conception of God.

I have been questioning this lately because although I had a few breakthroughs in consciousness, most of my understanding of God was intellectual and based on things I've read and theorized about. I noticed how my mind seemed to be strongly and happily attached to this matrix of beliefs.

I decided to continue letting go. As I did that, a lot of intense feelings started coming up. I noticed how I used spirituality and this matrix of beliefs as a coping mechanism for my deepest existential fears and pains. This is about my fundamental struggle with purpose. I lost a sense of direction and purpose when there were complications with my career path. I tried to find a new purpose through spirituality, personal development, and actualized. My struggle with purpose goes back to childhood as I tried different grand narratives to find purpose. Truth is a common ideal I hold.

I continued letting go. Suddenly, I felt intense and overwhelming fear, anxiety, depression, and suffering. I noticed how I had been using spiritual ego and my beliefs about God to cope with suicidal thoughts by giving me a sense of purpose. This became my survival strategy, but sometimes I would still have strong feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.

I wanted to let go of this identity that I have been using to mask my wounds. I wanted to face my problems, but I wanted to be cautious. I have done deep reflection like this before and it caused me lasting pain.

I remembered how I had used spirituality as a method of self harm and punishment due to depression corrupting various teachings. This is what led me to questioning my beliefs about God and spirituality. I knew parts of it were hurting me, but the parts that were helping me were masking deeper pain. I felt that maybe I wasn't mature enough for spirituality and I should let it go and come back to it in a couple years.

Part of spirituality that hurt me was my belief that suffering would ultimately transform me by facing it. Sometimes this led to methods of emotional and psychological self harm. I tried to rationalize my suffering with spirituality and I have been doing that since I was a child following severe trauma. This is part of what drives me to post a lot about suffering, my fears, and so on.

I wanted to build myself into someone who could better withstand suffering. This twisted into constant self punishment in terms of how my mind and emotions function. This was a result of a spiritual dream I had back in high school in which I saw Jesus. It describes my feelings pretty well, but was influenced by Christian beliefs and potentially social expectations of men to endure suffering. I don't see how society did that to me because it seemed like I did it to myself. I thought my suffering ultimately served a higher purpose, kind of like a martyr.

Anyway, at the end of all of this reflection I feel less attached to spirituality and the identity I created to cope with hardship. Maybe all the stuff I thought about God still stands, but I don't need it to mask suffering as if I must be spiritual to be good enough. I tried to be careful not to devolve into continued depression like I did in previous reflections.

On the surface I feel okay, but I don't know if the fundamental existential problem has been solved. I tried to find purpose in suffering to rationalize it and make it seem acceptable. I am cautiously trying to address these deep wounds without harming myself further.

Most of the time I have these kinds of experiences when I just go for walks and Mindfully observe my thoughts, emotions, movements, reactions and so forth looking for self knowledge. At the end of the day I just sleep on it and see how my mind changes the next day. This mindfulness is part of me trying to transform myself to ultimately beat depression.

any thoughts on this reflection and situation? I think my struggle with purpose is much deeper than the life purpose course could provide. Purpose is how I try to cope with suffering.

[James123]

2 hours ago, trenton said:

decided to continue letting go. As I did that, a lot of intense feelings started coming up. I noticed how I used spirituality and this matrix of beliefs as a coping mechanism for my deepest existential fears and pains.

Amazing brother. Many folks here just read and learn about spirituality. But, you can not know the path, you have to walk it. This is one of the example of walking the path. 

2 hours ago, trenton said:

. I have done deep reflection like this before and it caused me lasting pain.

The one who is cautious and feel pain have to let go. The identity must be surrender. 

2 hours ago, trenton said:

I wanted to build myself into someone who could better withstand suffering.

I is the suffering. You have to let go the I. 

2 hours ago, trenton said:

Most of the time I have these kinds of experiences when I just go for walks and Mindfully observe my thoughts, emotions, movements, reactions and so forth looking for self knowledge. At the end of the day I just sleep on it and see how my mind changes the next day. This mindfulness is part of me trying to transform myself to ultimately beat depression

İ was in the same shoes with you. İ let go the suffering identity with long term sitting (at least 3 hours per day) and did a psychedelic retreat in darkness and silence for 6-7 months. Then mind suddenly become quite. 

2 hours ago, trenton said:

any thoughts on this reflection and situation? I think my struggle with purpose is much deeper than the life purpose course could provide. Purpose is how I try to cope with suffering.

Pm me brother. İ will help you. 

[Ishanga]

5 hours ago, James123 said:

Amazing brother. Many folks here just read and learn about spirituality. But, you can not know the path, you have to walk it. This is one of the example of walking the path. 

The one who is cautious and feel pain have to let go. The identity must be surrender. 

I is the suffering. You have to let go the I. 

İ was in the same shoes with you. İ let go the suffering identity with long term sitting (at least 3 hours per day) and did a psychedelic retreat in darkness and silence for 6-7 months. Then mind suddenly become quite. 

Pm me brother. İ will help you. 

Your contradicting Yourself again, first You say one cannot know the path, that one has to walk it alone, then You offer help, which is basically You offering a path.

The path is not about the consequence, its to set up the consequence to happen naturally, like planting flowers, nothing You are doing to produce the flower has anything directly to do with a flower, but from the work (path) the flower appears. 

Paths just offer to a person a faster route, the old saying of using another experience to become wise is true, of course each person has a unique experience and sort of path, but using others experience is wise, with Spirituality this is very true, without Guru's there would be that much less Transformation in the world, they help immensely!!!! 

[James123]

19 minutes ago, Ishanga said:

Your contradicting Yourself again, first You say one cannot know the path, that one has to walk it alone, then You offer help, which is basically You offering a path.

Yo, are you ok? He has to walk, i can only show the path. 

Edited November 27 by James123

[Javfly33]

10 hours ago, trenton said:

 

any thoughts on this reflection and situation? I think my struggle with purpose is much deeper than the life purpose course could provide. Purpose is how I try to cope with suffering.

I don´t see anything bad happening. You are just going through what is needed to awaken, as any of us here.

Suffering or pain is one the most fundamental ingredients, is the way you know that something is wrong, in some way you are not conducing life right, in some way you have no clarity, in some way you really don´t know what you are. 

♥️ Keep walking, you must not stop until you get to the destination. 

[Princess Arabia]

11 hours ago, trenton said:

Mindfully observe my thoughts, emotions, movements, reactions and so forth looking for self knowledge.

I know this is a teaching that people say to do and it sounds good and effective. What you're doing is actually strengthening the thoughts. Putting awareness on them, expanding them, giving them life and momentum. In the beginning this is fine but there comes a time when thoughts have to be let go of and not be consciously, mindfully observed. Notice the one that is observing the one doing the observing. Meaning, there is something there that notices you being mindful of thoughts. Notice that. Focus on that more. We shun self-inquiry practices but then we are still confused about reality and our true nature. We call it woo woo and that we are being practical and need to get to a certain point first. It is the only thing needed. When you recognize you are not the doer nor the changeful body/mind, lots of unnecessary problems fall away. You gain a sense of peace and serenity within. Problems still arise but they don't have the same pull and power they used to have. 

Notice the thoughts, but not mindfully. See them as a function. The mind thinks, the body reacts. You are neither. Take this for whatever it's worth; and I know you know deep down what's going on, but it's the mind's activity that has a hold on you. You are lost in it and every human's problems stems from this. Not normal everyday challenges, but spiritually speaking and all the existential crisis's. This is true spirituality and really the only thing that matters. 

[Ishanga]

12 hours ago, James123 said:

Yo, are you ok? He has to walk, i can only show the path. 

Your starting to post hypocritical things, so I'm calling You out on it that is all, we have too much of this stuff going on here and other places..

People are allowed to say what they want, but they should expect push back at times, that's only fair..

[James123]

24 minutes ago, Ishanga said:

Your starting to post hypocritical things, so I'm calling You out on it that is all, we have too much of this stuff going on here and other places..

People are allowed to say what they want, but they should expect push back at times, that's only fair..

You are lost brother. 

Peace!

[Razard86]

On 11/26/2024 at 9:31 PM, trenton said:

I noticed something significant during my walks as I thought about my ego reactions. Firstly, I noticed how I compared myself to other seemingly more conscious or intelligent people. I noticed how my mind was wrestling with something until I labeled this movement in my mind and body as envy. I started evaluating why I had this reaction.

As I let go of current thoughts and patterns I noticed older memories and novel thoughts would take their place. I wanted to follow this rabbit hole and see where it took me. What eventually came up was my conception of God.

I have been questioning this lately because although I had a few breakthroughs in consciousness, most of my understanding of God was intellectual and based on things I've read and theorized about. I noticed how my mind seemed to be strongly and happily attached to this matrix of beliefs.

I decided to continue letting go. As I did that, a lot of intense feelings started coming up. I noticed how I used spirituality and this matrix of beliefs as a coping mechanism for my deepest existential fears and pains. This is about my fundamental struggle with purpose. I lost a sense of direction and purpose when there were complications with my career path. I tried to find a new purpose through spirituality, personal development, and actualized. My struggle with purpose goes back to childhood as I tried different grand narratives to find purpose. Truth is a common ideal I hold.

I continued letting go. Suddenly, I felt intense and overwhelming fear, anxiety, depression, and suffering. I noticed how I had been using spiritual ego and my beliefs about God to cope with suicidal thoughts by giving me a sense of purpose. This became my survival strategy, but sometimes I would still have strong feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.

I wanted to let go of this identity that I have been using to mask my wounds. I wanted to face my problems, but I wanted to be cautious. I have done deep reflection like this before and it caused me lasting pain.

I remembered how I had used spirituality as a method of self harm and punishment due to depression corrupting various teachings. This is what led me to questioning my beliefs about God and spirituality. I knew parts of it were hurting me, but the parts that were helping me were masking deeper pain. I felt that maybe I wasn't mature enough for spirituality and I should let it go and come back to it in a couple years.

Part of spirituality that hurt me was my belief that suffering would ultimately transform me by facing it. Sometimes this led to methods of emotional and psychological self harm. I tried to rationalize my suffering with spirituality and I have been doing that since I was a child following severe trauma. This is part of what drives me to post a lot about suffering, my fears, and so on.

I wanted to build myself into someone who could better withstand suffering. This twisted into constant self punishment in terms of how my mind and emotions function. This was a result of a spiritual dream I had back in high school in which I saw Jesus. It describes my feelings pretty well, but was influenced by Christian beliefs and potentially social expectations of men to endure suffering. I don't see how society did that to me because it seemed like I did it to myself. I thought my suffering ultimately served a higher purpose, kind of like a martyr.

Anyway, at the end of all of this reflection I feel less attached to spirituality and the identity I created to cope with hardship. Maybe all the stuff I thought about God still stands, but I don't need it to mask suffering as if I must be spiritual to be good enough. I tried to be careful not to devolve into continued depression like I did in previous reflections.

On the surface I feel okay, but I don't know if the fundamental existential problem has been solved. I tried to find purpose in suffering to rationalize it and make it seem acceptable. I am cautiously trying to address these deep wounds without harming myself further.

Most of the time I have these kinds of experiences when I just go for walks and Mindfully observe my thoughts, emotions, movements, reactions and so forth looking for self knowledge. At the end of the day I just sleep on it and see how my mind changes the next day. This mindfulness is part of me trying to transform myself to ultimately beat depression.

any thoughts on this reflection and situation? I think my struggle with purpose is much deeper than the life purpose course could provide. Purpose is how I try to cope with suffering.

1. I recommend taking a break from Spirituality. The first thing I would do is find out what issues you have with yourself. Do you have body image issues? Issues with the way your body smells or moves? Do you have issues with the clothes you wear? Do you have issues with your career or social status? Do you have unhealed relationship issues with the people in your life?

2. Next thing I would do is make a list of all of my talents and then ask myself what is the best way I can use them to create something? This is how you find purpose through your natural gifts. 

3. Lastly I would make a list of all the things I love about myself, and pat myself on the back. Then make a list of your favorite hobbies and go do them and if you have any friends, go hang out with them. 

The key to dealing with Depression is discovering how amazing you are. Take stock in all the things you have accomplished even things you think are little.

[trenton]

@Razard86 I've come to this forum to complain about my problems many times in the past. I am trying to make a conscious effort to not rant and rave about my family, my career, my mental health, and so forth. I have a plan in place for dealing with these things, but it might take a couple of months. It is hard to brute force my way out of these problems.

One issue that concerns me is an apparent neurological disorder that is causing tingling in body and muscle spasms. It is unclear what caused this along with my hyper awareness that makes it hard to sleep. The doctor thinks it might be caused by trauma, but I don't know which trauma. This happens along with thoughts of killing myself even though I don't actually want to kill myself.

I know how amazing I am. I used my wisdom, intelligence, and research to help transform people's lives. I once helped a woman who was a victim of predatory loaning that had her 60,000 dollars in debt. I made her cry tears of joy. I also helped a three year old girl who was abandoned by her parents. I have done all kinds of awesome things aside from helping people, not to mention all my successes in my chess career. I trained children well enough to win tournaments and even defeated a national master in a real tournament. Although I suffer from depression, I managed to use all of my research and self reflection to develop deep wisdom and self knowledge that I use to help others. I helped my brother stop his suicidal thoughts and I have helped people better process trauma by combining psychology and spirituality. Sometimes I do better than actual therapists. Some therapists were using tough love on clients and I was more helpful to them because of how insightful I have become through my own experience with depression.

I'm really good at helping others with mental problems, but I don't understand why these suicidal thoughts keep happening to me even though I don't want to die. There is hope for me and I tried using spirituality to find that hope before, but it didn't pan out the way I hoped.

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, trenton said:

@Razard86 I've come to this forum to complain about my problems many times in the past. I am trying to make a conscious effort to not rant and rave about my family, my career, my mental health, and so forth. I have a plan in place for dealing with these things, but it might take a couple of months. It is hard to brute force my way out of these problems.

One issue that concerns me is an apparent neurological disorder that is causing tingling in body and muscle spasms. It is unclear what caused this along with my hyper awareness that makes it hard to sleep. The doctor thinks it might be caused by trauma, but I don't know which trauma. This happens along with thoughts of killing myself even though I don't actually want to kill myself.

I know how amazing I am. I used my wisdom, intelligence, and research to help transform people's lives. I once helped a woman who was a victim of predatory loaning that had her 60,000 dollars in debt. I made her cry tears of joy. I also helped a three year old girl who was abandoned by her parents. I have done all kinds of awesome things aside from helping people, not to mention all my successes in my chess career. I trained children well enough to win tournaments and even defeated a national master in a real tournament. Although I suffer from depression, I managed to use all of my research and self reflection to develop deep wisdom and self knowledge that I use to help others. I helped my brother stop his suicidal thoughts and I have helped people better process trauma by combining psychology and spirituality. Sometimes I do better than actual therapists. Some therapists were using tough love on clients and I was more helpful to them because of how insightful I have become through my own experience with depression.

I'm really good at helping others with mental problems, but I don't understand why these suicidal thoughts keep happening to me even though I don't want to die. There is hope for me and I tried using spirituality to find that hope before, but it didn't pan out the way I hoped.

On 11/26/2024 at 9:31 PM, trenton said:

I noticed something significant during my walks as I thought about my ego reactions. Firstly, I noticed how I compared myself to other seemingly more conscious or intelligent people. I noticed how my mind was wrestling with something until I labeled this movement in my mind and body as envy. I started evaluating why I had this reaction.

As I let go of current thoughts and patterns I noticed older memories and novel thoughts would take their place. I wanted to follow this rabbit hole and see where it took me. What eventually came up was my conception of God.

I have been questioning this lately because although I had a few breakthroughs in consciousness, most of my understanding of God was intellectual and based on things I've read and theorized about. I noticed how my mind seemed to be strongly and happily attached to this matrix of beliefs.

I decided to continue letting go. As I did that, a lot of intense feelings started coming up. I noticed how I used spirituality and this matrix of beliefs as a coping mechanism for my deepest existential fears and pains. This is about my fundamental struggle with purpose. I lost a sense of direction and purpose when there were complications with my career path. I tried to find a new purpose through spirituality, personal development, and actualized. My struggle with purpose goes back to childhood as I tried different grand narratives to find purpose. Truth is a common ideal I hold.

I continued letting go. Suddenly, I felt intense and overwhelming fear, anxiety, depression, and suffering. I noticed how I had been using spiritual ego and my beliefs about God to cope with suicidal thoughts by giving me a sense of purpose. This became my survival strategy, but sometimes I would still have strong feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts.

I wanted to let go of this identity that I have been using to mask my wounds. I wanted to face my problems, but I wanted to be cautious. I have done deep reflection like this before and it caused me lasting pain.

I remembered how I had used spirituality as a method of self harm and punishment due to depression corrupting various teachings. This is what led me to questioning my beliefs about God and spirituality. I knew parts of it were hurting me, but the parts that were helping me were masking deeper pain. I felt that maybe I wasn't mature enough for spirituality and I should let it go and come back to it in a couple years.

Part of spirituality that hurt me was my belief that suffering would ultimately transform me by facing it. Sometimes this led to methods of emotional and psychological self harm. I tried to rationalize my suffering with spirituality and I have been doing that since I was a child following severe trauma. This is part of what drives me to post a lot about suffering, my fears, and so on.

I wanted to build myself into someone who could better withstand suffering. This twisted into constant self punishment in terms of how my mind and emotions function. This was a result of a spiritual dream I had back in high school in which I saw Jesus. It describes my feelings pretty well, but was influenced by Christian beliefs and potentially social expectations of men to endure suffering. I don't see how society did that to me because it seemed like I did it to myself. I thought my suffering ultimately served a higher purpose, kind of like a martyr.

Anyway, at the end of all of this reflection I feel less attached to spirituality and the identity I created to cope with hardship. Maybe all the stuff I thought about God still stands, but I don't need it to mask suffering as if I must be spiritual to be good enough. I tried to be careful not to devolve into continued depression like I did in previous reflections.

On the surface I feel okay, but I don't know if the fundamental existential problem has been solved. I tried to find purpose in suffering to rationalize it and make it seem acceptable. I am cautiously trying to address these deep wounds without harming myself further.

Most of the time I have these kinds of experiences when I just go for walks and Mindfully observe my thoughts, emotions, movements, reactions and so forth looking for self knowledge. At the end of the day I just sleep on it and see how my mind changes the next day. This mindfulness is part of me trying to transform myself to ultimately beat depression.

any thoughts on this reflection and situation? I think my struggle with purpose is much deeper than the life purpose course could provide. Purpose is how I try to cope with suffering.

I agree that it sounds like you have a neurological disorder. If you are not suicidal but are getting those thoughts it probably is that. When you say thoughts you mean voices in your head right? Or is it imagery, or both?

I recently was doing some Spiritual Work and entered a State of Consciousness where my mind started creating personalities within me that talked to me and tormented me. I had to take some medication to get it to stop. You could be suffering from psychosis. What did the Doctors say?

[trenton]

@Razard86 I have an inner dialogue about these sorts of things. Occasionally they are accompanied by imagery of knives or bridges. The only time I heard voices was during sleep paralysis. Other than that I'm not having hallucinations like voices in my head.

I have a doctor's appointment on the seventh. I never was told I might have psychosis.

[Razard86]

On 11/29/2024 at 9:44 AM, trenton said:

@Razard86 I have an inner dialogue about these sorts of things. Occasionally they are accompanied by imagery of knives or bridges. The only time I heard voices was during sleep paralysis. Other than that I'm not having hallucinations like voices in my head.

I have a doctor's appointment on the seventh. I never was told I might have psychosis.

Okay are you actively thinking suicidal thoughts or do they happen passively?

[trenton]

8 hours ago, Razard86 said:

Okay are you actively thinking suicidal thoughts or do they happen passively?

@Razard86 both. Sometimes they happen passively.

Sometimes they are intrusive and unwanted but I get the idea of acting on them anyway. Other times I just feel horribly depressed because I feel trapped and unable to address several complex life problems as if it is reflective of my self worth and objective value as a human being.

Other times like yesterday my family brings up unresolved past conflicts in which my vulnerability was capitalized on to humiliate me while treating the situation like a joke or harmless teasing. These memories then got stuck in my head again as I became afraid of future harm like my trauma being weaponized against me along with all of the negative assumptions that would be made from the knowledge that I contacted my cousin. My protective instincts are invalidated as I constantly play 4D chess with my family trying to anticipate possible attacks. I recognize that I will be seen as the problem of I express feeling hurt, yet I will be pressured to forgive those who show no remorse and will likely cause future harm. Because of this I started feeling the desire to inflict harm on them. I recognized the kind of thoughts I was having that would obviously backfire. I looked at the person I would become and was ashamed of myself. I therefore said, fuck it, I should just kill myself to eliminate my desire to harm others. That is when I pulled out a kitchen knife and then hesitated because I didn't know which way to cut myself and considered what would happen to me after a likely failed suicide attempt. I probably should have called 988 because I was having both suicidal and homicidal thoughts, but I didn't call. Of course homicide is obviously bad because there's no way in hell I can get away with something like that rather than suicide by jumping off of a bridge in which my death prevents punishment. That is why I prefer suicide over homicide. Any therapist would try to convince my family it wasn't their fault no matter how much harm they caused me to make them feel better about themselves. That way the harm would be minimal due to these fictions and controlled narratives.

Other times my suicidal thoughts are related to things like purpose, trauma, family drama, career struggles, and things of that nature along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, autism, and whatever neurological disorders I have.

I protect myself from acting on these thoughts by recognizing that although my family does not see my value, I see my value and my potential to do good for humanity. This value would be lost if I killed myself and became another statistic. I have helped others in life transforming ways. If I can make it through this, then the value I provide the world will likely prevent many more suicides. I have saved others from suicide before by combining all of my research with psychology and spirituality, making me deeply insightful and wise for those struggling with these kinds of thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself though and my problems can't be solved through more wisdom and knowledge. That might be why I start complaining about life on this forum instead. Personal development was meant to help me actualize my true value as I find new purpose.

Thanks you.

[Razard86]

7 hours ago, trenton said:

@Razard86 both. Sometimes they happen passively.

Sometimes they are intrusive and unwanted but I get the idea of acting on them anyway. Other times I just feel horribly depressed because I feel trapped and unable to address several complex life problems as if it is reflective of my self worth and objective value as a human being.

Other times like yesterday my family brings up unresolved past conflicts in which my vulnerability was capitalized on to humiliate me while treating the situation like a joke or harmless teasing. These memories then got stuck in my head again as I became afraid of future harm like my trauma being weaponized against me along with all of the negative assumptions that would be made from the knowledge that I contacted my cousin. My protective instincts are invalidated as I constantly play 4D chess with my family trying to anticipate possible attacks. I recognize that I will be seen as the problem of I express feeling hurt, yet I will be pressured to forgive those who show no remorse and will likely cause future harm. Because of this I started feeling the desire to inflict harm on them. I recognized the kind of thoughts I was having that would obviously backfire. I looked at the person I would become and was ashamed of myself. I therefore said, fuck it, I should just kill myself to eliminate my desire to harm others. That is when I pulled out a kitchen knife and then hesitated because I didn't know which way to cut myself and considered what would happen to me after a likely failed suicide attempt. I probably should have called 988 because I was having both suicidal and homicidal thoughts, but I didn't call. Of course homicide is obviously bad because there's no way in hell I can get away with something like that rather than suicide by jumping off of a bridge in which my death prevents punishment. That is why I prefer suicide over homicide. Any therapist would try to convince my family it wasn't their fault no matter how much harm they caused me to make them feel better about themselves. That way the harm would be minimal due to these fictions and controlled narratives.

Other times my suicidal thoughts are related to things like purpose, trauma, family drama, career struggles, and things of that nature along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, autism, and whatever neurological disorders I have.

I protect myself from acting on these thoughts by recognizing that although my family does not see my value, I see my value and my potential to do good for humanity. This value would be lost if I killed myself and became another statistic. I have helped others in life transforming ways. If I can make it through this, then the value I provide the world will likely prevent many more suicides. I have saved others from suicide before by combining all of my research with psychology and spirituality, making me deeply insightful and wise for those struggling with these kinds of thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself though and my problems can't be solved through more wisdom and knowledge. That might be why I start complaining about life on this forum instead. Personal development was meant to help me actualize my true value as I find new purpose.

Thanks you.

Now we get to the nitty gritty. You said this: "Other times I just feel horribly depressed because I feel trapped and unable to address several complex life problems as if it is reflective of my self worth and objective value as a human being."

^^^This right here is the secret to life. When a person does not live up to the standards they hold true, they attack their personal worth and value as a person. THIS is the source of all depression. I'll give you a couple of things you don't control so you can learn to let those things that you think define no longer define you anymore.

 You don't control the year you were born, the planet you were born on, those parents/guardians who raised you, where you were raised, what you like and don't like, what race you are, how tall you are, how good your memory is, what your personality is, what types of people you came into contact with, what language you were taught to speak, what school you went to, how fast you learn and adapt to situations. You also cannot control whether people like you or not.

So the biggest burden you have been carrying around you need to drop it. You had no choice in life in being who you are, because who you are....is who you are. You take full responsibility for every decision made with the understanding you are just one human in a world of trillions. You are not at fault for being who you are, because you can only be YOU!!!! 

Now what you should use Spirituality for INSTEAD is to teach yourself to love the human person you have lived as, and learn to accept them for all of their limitations. Until you learn to love the human person you have built yourself to be, you will never be able to truly love other people. This is why I told you to focus on the GOOD you have done. THIS is your evidence of who you are which at its core is LOVE!!!

What would you tell a child that you love most? What would you tell your best friend? Be the parent to yourself you never had, be the best friend you never had. Seek to understand yourself at the deepest level, and you will realize all you ever wanted in life was to be treated with respect, to be comfortable pursuing what you love, and to share that with others. This motivation is universal. We all want to enjoy life in solitude and with others. Then to the best of your ability aim to be that person and then acknowledge yourself when you do. Be your own award ceremony.

I always say, be a fan of yourself!!! May you discover the love within you.

[trenton]

2 hours ago, Razard86 said:

Now we get to the nitty gritty. You said this: "Other times I just feel horribly depressed because I feel trapped and unable to address several complex life problems as if it is reflective of my self worth and objective value as a human being."

^^^This right here is the secret to life. When a person does not live up to the standards they hold true, they attack their personal worth and value as a person. THIS is the source of all depression. I'll give you a couple of things you don't control so you can learn to let those things that you think define no longer define you anymore.

 You don't control the year you were born, the planet you were born on, those parents/guardians who raised you, where you were raised, what you like and don't like, what race you are, how tall you are, how good your memory is, what your personality is, what types of people you came into contact with, what language you were taught to speak, what school you went to, how fast you learn and adapt to situations. You also cannot control whether people like you or not.

So the biggest burden you have been carrying around you need to drop it. You had no choice in life in being who you are, because who you are....is who you are. You take full responsibility for every decision made with the understanding you are just one human in a world of trillions. You are not at fault for being who you are, because you can only be YOU!!!! 

Now what you should use Spirituality for INSTEAD is to teach yourself to love the human person you have lived as, and learn to accept them for all of their limitations. Until you learn to love the human person you have built yourself to be, you will never be able to truly love other people. This is why I told you to focus on the GOOD you have done. THIS is your evidence of who you are which at its core is LOVE!!!

What would you tell a child that you love most? What would you tell your best friend? Be the parent to yourself you never had, be the best friend you never had. Seek to understand yourself at the deepest level, and you will realize all you ever wanted in life was to be treated with respect, to be comfortable pursuing what you love, and to share that with others. This motivation is universal. We all want to enjoy life in solitude and with others. Then to the best of your ability aim to be that person and then acknowledge yourself when you do. Be your own award ceremony.

I always say, be a fan of yourself!!! May you discover the love within you.

@Razard86 interesting. Let's see where this takes us while expanding on the self worth issue.

As far as I remember my issues with self love became much worse after a messed up sexual incident from when I was six and my mom accused me of molesting my sister. This was worsened by my father abandoning me and of course I blamed myself for that too. I have been trying to love myself all along but it literally felt impossible. I tried to reestablish my sense of self worth by placing really high standards on myself like sexual purity, leaving a legacy after my death, commitment to truth which ultimately brought me to actualized.org even though truth hurts me and I might not actually like it, deep intelligence and wisdom, and justifying my existence through living a higher purpose beyond things like sex and relationships. I'm not actually Christian, but I developed Christ like standards and began to self sacrifice. I viewed purpose as something that would give me the will and strength to live. I discovered I was capable of self deception when I told myself it was just nightmare and I tried to love myself by avoiding self deception and facing the truth no matter how painful, but I still felt unlovable. All I do is hurt myself even when I try to love myself. One of my therapists suggested that my self worth is wrapped up in constant self punishment leading to intense shame. And of course it wasn't just one incident, there was a lot of chaos in my childhood which eventually built up into suicidal thoughts and other problems as I got older.

I'm pausing a lot as I type, sometimes wanting to cry and wanting to die. I'll keep doing my best no matter how hopeless and how much of a broken record I sound like for complaining about my problems. Most people don't want to here this stuff. Sometimes I talk about this stuff because this type of sexual trauma is not well known and discussed. I have met people carrying intense shame for child sex abuse in which they were perpetrators as children. These people are suicidal, nobody loves them or wants to hear from them, and they live their lives in constant darkness. I was the first to validate the feelings of these people because I know this kind of stuff makes You want to kill yourself and others would celebrate. I want this kind of suffering to be better known because it is a deeply taboo subject that is ignored, causing children to commit suicide. I'm actually trying to be good, but other people cannot see that. I don't allow children to suffer like this, and I protect them. I considered making a support group for people like this because this kind of support group doesn't exist. It shows too much compassion for child molesters and is thus demonized because suicide is preferred from society's point of view. Remember most child sex abuse is perpetrated by other youth, not adults. Obviously I'm not minimizing the suffering of the victim, but if ever I speak of this, it will be interpreted that way and I will appear as a devil.

You mentioned that I am not in control of what I like and dislike. I thought I was. This meant that I was responsible for the problems caused by the fact that I like board games and strategy games and I would enjoy being a professional chess player. The career is impractical and it looks like I'm sabotaging my long term life so long as I don't give up and keep trying. I don't see what kind of long term life is worth living anyway. In reality chess does not give enough value to society. I actually love training kids for chess tournaments and then I watch them win. My desire to be a professional chess player and help others achieve it is seen as a fundamental problem with me because of what I like. Apparently, I'm supposed to just accept that this was never a realistic goal for me and then somehow find happiness doing something else. I find it extremely demoralizing when I'm repeatedly told I need to give up because I'm not good enough due to my life circumstances and birth iq no matter how much effort and accomplishments I have in this field. Somehow personal development is supposed to solve the fundamental problem that I like chess tournaments and teach me to be content with life by forcing myself to do something more valuable to society even if I don't enjoy it. The only way to compensate the misery this causes me is by doing something so grandiose that it would be worth sacrificing my happiness. All of these options are unobtainable and unrealistic anyway. Therefore, the end is that I'm stuck in a shitty job I hate no matter how hard I try. The problem is that I'm supposed to like something else and be passionate about something practical and then I can follow my passions. This is the reality of personal development no matter how it is marketed on the surface. All of this sounds like complete bullshit to me and I don't feel motivated at all. I don't have the energy and enthusiasm I used to have when teaching children how to win tournaments.

It logically follows that if I like things that don't contribute objective value to society, then they should be discarded in favor of things I don't like. In my case, I also like videogames. Playing videogames does not contribute objective value to society even if it makes me happy like board games. If I want to build a life worth living, then I must instead force myself to read personal development books even if I don't enjoy it. This helped me to further accumulate wisdom that I used to help suicidal people when combined with deep self reflection. I therefore provided objective value to society by not doing what I liked and instead doing what I disliked. I logically understand that I am good person for saving people from suicide, but I still don't feel happy because my happiness was sacrificed a long time ago.

I have done so much research on psychology that I often prove more helpful then actual therapists. There are far too many incompetent therapists and I know better than them despite their college education. Sometimes they oversimplify spiritual views they don't understand, leading to the pre trans fallacy due to their lack of interest in philosophy, probably because they thought mere philosophy has no objective value for society. Sometimes they don't take me seriously when I'm the victim of sexual harassment. I am more sensitive to how society constructs a perceived "justice" by either dismissing a person's grievances as if they are just whiney bitches because they don't want to hear it or by weaponizing accusations by making every negative assumption until any defense seems impossible in their eyes. This is the reality of what humans call "justice" and it is full of socially constructed survival games and complete bullshit. Society treated me like I was a whiney bitch for complaining about sexual harassment and the difficult social dynamics it was creating for me and my therapist didn't see this. Aside from this there are also therapists who dogmatically apply therapeutic principles without regard for individual uniqueness or they insist on tough love for trauma victims. Therapy is designed for shallow minded people, thus my intelligence will be underestimated leading to bad advice. Sometimes they try to solve my problems by getting me to date despite severe depression, of they have reasons, but they don't see the full picture. Apparently, it is hard to find a good therapist for someone with autism like me leading to all this disappointment. On the bright side I actually like studying psychology and it provides objective value for society. The actual goal of personal development and life purpose is to like and be passionate about something that is practical and provides objective value to society. I have accomplished this by studying psychology. I just do it for free instead of making money because I see this as basic human decency to support people who need help.

I have been treating personal development as something that is supposed to fundamentally change who I am. Who I am is the problem so long as my dreams are impractical and unvalued because of what I like and dislike. You are suggesting that I use spirituality to love who I am. I have been trying to love myself all along. I have been trying to do this all my life. I have the proof that I am valuable and society would be worse off if I killed myself. This is what I remind myself of when I try to fight my suicidal thoughts. I still struggle to love myself despite having a ton of proof. I have a lot of automatic shame and guilt due to trauma and it leads to me having muscle spasms and instinctively beating myself up for being evil no matter how much my logical mind tells me this isn't true. I am a deeply logical person and this is pointed out by my life coaches. They think I'm not as in touch with my emotional side because I seem robotic sometimes. I actually studied a lot of books on emotional mastery and did a lot of mindfulness meditation and exercises. I am more emotionally wise than others realize. There is just a tendency to project bad faith as humans inevitably do, leading it to be impossible to be understood. In a sense I am both extremely emotional and extremely logical because I use logic to cope with extreme emotions. Do I need to be more logical or more emotional? In reality people who are suicidal might do it because they logically conclude that their life sucks and they can avoid suffering through death. Maybe I'm not emotional enough instead of logical enough. Intellectually I know I am love, but I'm still full of so much shit that I don't live my life in bliss over how awesome I am objectively. Maybe I'm not logical enough instead of emotional enough. Maybe logic and emotion is a false dichotomy.

I was under the impression that true spirituality meant plugging 5meo dmt up my ass and realizing that I am God. That is what Leo would do because God is also love. I thought that spirituality would give me another chance to love myself by reconextualizing my entire life and fundamentally changing my identity. I can't be conscious enough to realize I am God because I haven't plugged 5meo dmt up my ass. This is why I struggle with love.

Based on what I wrote in this short, brief, quick post, that took me three hours to write you seem to be correct that fundamentally, I want to be treated with respect, be comfortable pursuing what I love, and I want to share love with others. I think you were insightful in that regard. I will have to think about what I would tell my child or my best friend of they were in this position. If it were a child, then obviously I would make the struggles of a chess career clear, but I would be willing to support him all along the way to the best of my abilities to ensure your dream becomes a reality and you don't have to suffer all this regret from unrealized dreams on your death bed as if it is your fault for not being good enough or for being who you are. For a best friend stuck at a shitty job with a shitty family and suffering from a lot of shitty mental health issues because of very shitty trauma while feeling shitty because of unobtainable goals and Christ like standards, then I would give him a hug. I would tell him that you deserve to be loved even though you are seemingly fucked because of your shitty life. There are no easy answers, but I want to be there to support you in what ever way I can as you cling to the hope that one day your life will not be as shitty as it presently is even though your presently shitty life makes you want to kill yourself. It will not solve your problems, but love is all I can offer you.

Any thoughts? Thank you so far.

[Razard86]

18 hours ago, trenton said:

@Razard86 interesting. Let's see where this takes us while expanding on the self worth issue.

As far as I remember my issues with self love became much worse after a messed up sexual incident from when I was six and my mom accused me of molesting my sister. This was worsened by my father abandoning me and of course I blamed myself for that too. I have been trying to love myself all along but it literally felt impossible. I tried to reestablish my sense of self worth by placing really high standards on myself like sexual purity, leaving a legacy after my death, commitment to truth which ultimately brought me to actualized.org even though truth hurts me and I might not actually like it, deep intelligence and wisdom, and justifying my existence through living a higher purpose beyond things like sex and relationships. I'm not actually Christian, but I developed Christ like standards and began to self sacrifice. I viewed purpose as something that would give me the will and strength to live. I discovered I was capable of self deception when I told myself it was just nightmare and I tried to love myself by avoiding self deception and facing the truth no matter how painful, but I still felt unlovable. All I do is hurt myself even when I try to love myself. One of my therapists suggested that my self worth is wrapped up in constant self punishment leading to intense shame. And of course it wasn't just one incident, there was a lot of chaos in my childhood which eventually built up into suicidal thoughts and other problems as I got older.

I'm pausing a lot as I type, sometimes wanting to cry and wanting to die. I'll keep doing my best no matter how hopeless and how much of a broken record I sound like for complaining about my problems. Most people don't want to here this stuff. Sometimes I talk about this stuff because this type of sexual trauma is not well known and discussed. I have met people carrying intense shame for child sex abuse in which they were perpetrators as children. These people are suicidal, nobody loves them or wants to hear from them, and they live their lives in constant darkness. I was the first to validate the feelings of these people because I know this kind of stuff makes You want to kill yourself and others would celebrate. I want this kind of suffering to be better known because it is a deeply taboo subject that is ignored, causing children to commit suicide. I'm actually trying to be good, but other people cannot see that. I don't allow children to suffer like this, and I protect them. I considered making a support group for people like this because this kind of support group doesn't exist. It shows too much compassion for child molesters and is thus demonized because suicide is preferred from society's point of view. Remember most child sex abuse is perpetrated by other youth, not adults. Obviously I'm not minimizing the suffering of the victim, but if ever I speak of this, it will be interpreted that way and I will appear as a devil.

You mentioned that I am not in control of what I like and dislike. I thought I was. This meant that I was responsible for the problems caused by the fact that I like board games and strategy games and I would enjoy being a professional chess player. The career is impractical and it looks like I'm sabotaging my long term life so long as I don't give up and keep trying. I don't see what kind of long term life is worth living anyway. In reality chess does not give enough value to society. I actually love training kids for chess tournaments and then I watch them win. My desire to be a professional chess player and help others achieve it is seen as a fundamental problem with me because of what I like. Apparently, I'm supposed to just accept that this was never a realistic goal for me and then somehow find happiness doing something else. I find it extremely demoralizing when I'm repeatedly told I need to give up because I'm not good enough due to my life circumstances and birth iq no matter how much effort and accomplishments I have in this field. Somehow personal development is supposed to solve the fundamental problem that I like chess tournaments and teach me to be content with life by forcing myself to do something more valuable to society even if I don't enjoy it. The only way to compensate the misery this causes me is by doing something so grandiose that it would be worth sacrificing my happiness. All of these options are unobtainable and unrealistic anyway. Therefore, the end is that I'm stuck in a shitty job I hate no matter how hard I try. The problem is that I'm supposed to like something else and be passionate about something practical and then I can follow my passions. This is the reality of personal development no matter how it is marketed on the surface. All of this sounds like complete bullshit to me and I don't feel motivated at all. I don't have the energy and enthusiasm I used to have when teaching children how to win tournaments.

It logically follows that if I like things that don't contribute objective value to society, then they should be discarded in favor of things I don't like. In my case, I also like videogames. Playing videogames does not contribute objective value to society even if it makes me happy like board games. If I want to build a life worth living, then I must instead force myself to read personal development books even if I don't enjoy it. This helped me to further accumulate wisdom that I used to help suicidal people when combined with deep self reflection. I therefore provided objective value to society by not doing what I liked and instead doing what I disliked. I logically understand that I am good person for saving people from suicide, but I still don't feel happy because my happiness was sacrificed a long time ago.

I have done so much research on psychology that I often prove more helpful then actual therapists. There are far too many incompetent therapists and I know better than them despite their college education. Sometimes they oversimplify spiritual views they don't understand, leading to the pre trans fallacy due to their lack of interest in philosophy, probably because they thought mere philosophy has no objective value for society. Sometimes they don't take me seriously when I'm the victim of sexual harassment. I am more sensitive to how society constructs a perceived "justice" by either dismissing a person's grievances as if they are just whiney bitches because they don't want to hear it or by weaponizing accusations by making every negative assumption until any defense seems impossible in their eyes. This is the reality of what humans call "justice" and it is full of socially constructed survival games and complete bullshit. Society treated me like I was a whiney bitch for complaining about sexual harassment and the difficult social dynamics it was creating for me and my therapist didn't see this. Aside from this there are also therapists who dogmatically apply therapeutic principles without regard for individual uniqueness or they insist on tough love for trauma victims. Therapy is designed for shallow minded people, thus my intelligence will be underestimated leading to bad advice. Sometimes they try to solve my problems by getting me to date despite severe depression, of they have reasons, but they don't see the full picture. Apparently, it is hard to find a good therapist for someone with autism like me leading to all this disappointment. On the bright side I actually like studying psychology and it provides objective value for society. The actual goal of personal development and life purpose is to like and be passionate about something that is practical and provides objective value to society. I have accomplished this by studying psychology. I just do it for free instead of making money because I see this as basic human decency to support people who need help.

I have been treating personal development as something that is supposed to fundamentally change who I am. Who I am is the problem so long as my dreams are impractical and unvalued because of what I like and dislike. You are suggesting that I use spirituality to love who I am. I have been trying to love myself all along. I have been trying to do this all my life. I have the proof that I am valuable and society would be worse off if I killed myself. This is what I remind myself of when I try to fight my suicidal thoughts. I still struggle to love myself despite having a ton of proof. I have a lot of automatic shame and guilt due to trauma and it leads to me having muscle spasms and instinctively beating myself up for being evil no matter how much my logical mind tells me this isn't true. I am a deeply logical person and this is pointed out by my life coaches. They think I'm not as in touch with my emotional side because I seem robotic sometimes. I actually studied a lot of books on emotional mastery and did a lot of mindfulness meditation and exercises. I am more emotionally wise than others realize. There is just a tendency to project bad faith as humans inevitably do, leading it to be impossible to be understood. In a sense I am both extremely emotional and extremely logical because I use logic to cope with extreme emotions. Do I need to be more logical or more emotional? In reality people who are suicidal might do it because they logically conclude that their life sucks and they can avoid suffering through death. Maybe I'm not emotional enough instead of logical enough. Intellectually I know I am love, but I'm still full of so much shit that I don't live my life in bliss over how awesome I am objectively. Maybe I'm not logical enough instead of emotional enough. Maybe logic and emotion is a false dichotomy.

I was under the impression that true spirituality meant plugging 5meo dmt up my ass and realizing that I am God. That is what Leo would do because God is also love. I thought that spirituality would give me another chance to love myself by reconextualizing my entire life and fundamentally changing my identity. I can't be conscious enough to realize I am God because I haven't plugged 5meo dmt up my ass. This is why I struggle with love.

Based on what I wrote in this short, brief, quick post, that took me three hours to write you seem to be correct that fundamentally, I want to be treated with respect, be comfortable pursuing what I love, and I want to share love with others. I think you were insightful in that regard. I will have to think about what I would tell my child or my best friend of they were in this position. If it were a child, then obviously I would make the struggles of a chess career clear, but I would be willing to support him all along the way to the best of my abilities to ensure your dream becomes a reality and you don't have to suffer all this regret from unrealized dreams on your death bed as if it is your fault for not being good enough or for being who you are. For a best friend stuck at a shitty job with a shitty family and suffering from a lot of shitty mental health issues because of very shitty trauma while feeling shitty because of unobtainable goals and Christ like standards, then I would give him a hug. I would tell him that you deserve to be loved even though you are seemingly fucked because of your shitty life. There are no easy answers, but I want to be there to support you in what ever way I can as you cling to the hope that one day your life will not be as shitty as it presently is even though your presently shitty life makes you want to kill yourself. It will not solve your problems, but love is all I can offer you.

Any thoughts? Thank you so far.

It will take me some time to unpack every statement you said but I will address one error you keep making. You said " I have the proof that I am valuable and society would be worse off if I killed myself. This is what I remind myself of when I try to fight my suicidal thoughts. I still struggle to love myself despite having a ton of proof."

This type of thinking will mess you up. Forget about what society wants. What do you want? As long as what you want does not infringe on the rights of other people then what you want takes precedence!!! Society cannot live your life for you, you have to live your life, as such what you love, what you like, is of paramount importance. You cannot live for other people, that would be to not honor your personal truth and if you ignore your personal truth you will be living in a way that is not loving in your sight because love, and truth, and goodness are identical. 

There is nothing wrong with being selfish. You are literally designed to be selfish. As long as your selfishness is not excessive, as long as it is not predatory then nothing is wrong with it. If you want to pursue Chess tournaments then pursue it and forget about the money. Money can buy physical comfort, physical pleasure, and entertainment. It cannot buy self-esteem, self-fulfillment, self-acceptance, or self love.

You probably need to separate yourself for awhile and teach yourself to accept yourself as you are. The proof that you matter doesn't even pertain to your accomplishments, I only said that because its a good exercise to help you realize that you give value in various ways. But the proof that you matter is the fact that you are here. That's the only proof that matters.

Edited Monday at 08:03 PM by Razard86

[Razard86]

Try watching this. Maybe it will help. 

 

[trenton]

@Razard86 I just want to thank you for doing your best to help me.

May I ask you why you find this conversation significant and why do you want to help me? What do you see in me that I don't?

I have a plan being set into motion to move to Kentucky. From there I will set up my new daily schedule and plan. I'm transferring to a different grocery store and for the next year I want to try my hand at creative writing. I plan to write a book based on my diary from high school in which I documented domestic violence, drug addiction, theft, manipulation, gang activity, and death threats from within my family. I plan to add flashbacks and my insights into psychology to add context to my thought process and behaviors. I may add to it an aftermath about the eviction and the continued tension in the family. I ended up on a bunch of anti depressants which made me worse as I felt my dream of becoming a professional chess player slip away. Some say I can get it back, others say I should grow the fuck up and base my life on something more significant than a board game. Asking humans for help gives me a lot of different answers. Ultimately I am alone in how I choose to live my life.

I could highlight my struggles with purpose which were present in high school as well. I tried to create a purpose by taking responsibility for my siblings where the parents had failed. I tried to protect them as I played a double agent game between mom and dad, selectively leaking information to manipulate the legal outcome of their court battles. My family became my reason to not kill myself even though my love for them felt hollow and was based on an ideological stance about family values rather than authentically felt. I had very mixed feelings of betrayal. They seemed to feign family values too, like my father using my love for him to manipulate me.

I'll have to cut a lot of unnecessary details out. Some bus rides were not very significant. I will only include the most important details and conversations. It takes place in my senior year of high school.

[Razard86]

On 12/2/2024 at 9:45 PM, trenton said:

@Razard86 I just want to thank you for doing your best to help me.

May I ask you why you find this conversation significant and why do you want to help me? What do you see in me that I don't?

I have a plan being set into motion to move to Kentucky. From there I will set up my new daily schedule and plan. I'm transferring to a different grocery store and for the next year I want to try my hand at creative writing. I plan to write a book based on my diary from high school in which I documented domestic violence, drug addiction, theft, manipulation, gang activity, and death threats from within my family. I plan to add flashbacks and my insights into psychology to add context to my thought process and behaviors. I may add to it an aftermath about the eviction and the continued tension in the family. I ended up on a bunch of anti depressants which made me worse as I felt my dream of becoming a professional chess player slip away. Some say I can get it back, others say I should grow the fuck up and base my life on something more significant than a board game. Asking humans for help gives me a lot of different answers. Ultimately I am alone in how I choose to live my life.

I could highlight my struggles with purpose which were present in high school as well. I tried to create a purpose by taking responsibility for my siblings where the parents had failed. I tried to protect them as I played a double agent game between mom and dad, selectively leaking information to manipulate the legal outcome of their court battles. My family became my reason to not kill myself even though my love for them felt hollow and was based on an ideological stance about family values rather than authentically felt. I had very mixed feelings of betrayal. They seemed to feign family values too, like my father using my love for him to manipulate me.

I'll have to cut a lot of unnecessary details out. Some bus rides were not very significant. I will only include the most important details and conversations. It takes place in my senior year of high school.

Before Spirituality I helped people because I tried putting myself in their shoes and seeing it from their perspective. After Spirituality I know that you are me.

I'll give a good analogy. Think of every human being as a vehicle, the vehicles are different, but the driver is the SAME. Now extrapolate human to all animate an inanimate objects....same driver within. So you are me, living another life at the same time as me as another human being. So why would I not want to help myself? Who knows one day you may get far enough in this work where you realize that I am YOU.

But yeah go for it, write that book and let us know about it.

Edited 13 hours ago by Razard86