Need Help

[noahmh]

I had my first psychedelic almost 10 years ago and I now have a warped view on non-retardant substances. I don’t want to clog the forum up with my garbage but I’m totally at a loss of how to enjoy life at this stage.

About ten years ago I met some people who were able to give me access to a lot of substances. I smoked a lot of weed and every weekend I tripped, usually on LSD and occasionally on shrooms. I experienced an intense euphoria when tripping for the first few times. I recognize that this may be typical. After several months, I had one trip of some amount of wet mushrooms that resulted in an experience that changed my life. I want to call it an ego death, yet I know my ego is not dead.

I came across Leo shortly after… in response to a nasty breakup. I had no idea he did spiritual work, yet it found me. Much of what he has to say on the nature of reality resonates with feelings I had in my ego-death-like experience. The past half decade or so I have been following his video releases, but I have little discipline. I have an issue building “my” life. When I am high, either smoking or tripping, I see everything going wrong. Visions of death, mostly my own, plague me. I’ve watched Leo’s video on fear in which he says to immerse yourself in it, but I have to admit that I’m too scared. I feel like I can’t do that and live “‘my life”.

Every time I smoke, life plays out in a way that feels scripted. Every time I trip, I feel trapped in this existence. Ultimately, I want to feel free.

TLDR; I am lost. Please read first paragraph.

[Kksd74628]

@noahmh

Everytime I trip I feel bad -> Continues tripping -> Is sad because life sucks.

Who said you have to continue to trip?

What you want from life, what are you biggest dreams (tell me something concrete).

[RightHand]

Here are some core fears psychedelics force me to confront :

-I don't know who I am

-I don't know what life is

-I don't trust myself to manage life

-I don't have control over life

-I am lonely

-I am scared of dying

I fully feel whatever comes up, I open my arms and surrender. 

Perhaps you could ask God or the universe to help you if you feel like you can't do it alone.

[kavaris]

Lets all admit, we are scared, and scared we are together. With that said, we are the scared helping to lift the scared...

"Much of what he has to say on the nature of reality resonates with feelings I had in my ego-death-like experience. The past half decade or so I have been following his video releases, but I have little discipline. I have an issue building “my” life. When I am high, either smoking or tripping, I see everything going wrong. Visions of death, mostly my own, plague me."

You have a youth to you that i find so light and nice, which is good, you are just starting. Ah visions of death. Da, theres a certain beauty to death that is to be appreciated, which is kindve far from the whole getting high & tripping scene, because you are witnessing those negative/positive ebs and flows, and misunderstanding what they mean. Though theres a deeper notion to grasp there too, course, isnt there always...

Now this "building your life" cannot be found instantaneously, so you got to give it time, spread the worry out a bit, you know... (write down "life builder" and then draw some bubbles around it to understand the elements that are circulating in its orbit, to try nd get a better grasp) Then maybe, having it discretized and chopped and screwed, will give you enough time to analyze whats going on, "why" it is you are worried, and if its really the root cause/reason for it... Usually theres a deeper reason you just havent found. The faster you find these things, the quicker you can start understanding these descents and ascensions... Theres alot of smaller details to it nd i understand that.

Edited November 18 by kavaris

[Carl-Richard]

4 hours ago, noahmh said:

I have an issue building “my” life. When I am high, either smoking or tripping,

Every time I smoke, life plays out in a way that feels scripted. Every time I trip, I feel trapped in this existence.

Do you have to smoke? Do you have to trip? What are you doing with your life outside smoking and tripping? Could you focus on doing that without smoking or tripping?

Edited November 18 by Carl-Richard

[noahmh]

6 hours ago, Kksd74628 said:

@noahmh

Everytime I trip I feel bad -> Continues tripping -> Is sad because life sucks.

Who said you have to continue to trip?

What you want from life, what are you biggest dreams (tell me something concrete).

No one says I have to trip. I was drawn to why I felt this way after having a bad trip. I continued to trip after because I submitted to social pressure and anything over a microdose seems to just go bad.

 

In life, I want to have land and income that gives me the freedom to do things that I enjoy. I enjoy creating things. I enjoy playing music and making art and through my joy of creation I have even come to enjoy coding because it's a vehicle of expression. I currently go to university and study cybersecurity, which is also pretty cool because it provides me with insights on the underlying framework of the internet and how businesses operate with it. In order to give me the life that I want, I study this and do my best to help my values align with what the job market might expect of me. I've done one internship, and my partner is working in the field currently. I enjoy my life with her greatly, so another goal of mine is to help give us both the freedom to live on our own and pursue our passions. I hope to help our passions align as best they can, create things that we both enjoy, and encourage her to live her life to the fullest as well. I feel like I can sum this up as "freedom", and that's what I meant in my first post. Financial freedom is part of it, yes, but also for my life to align inside and out.

I want(ed) a solid understanding of life. Part of me searches for something to make it make sense, and I never really found any "satisfying" answers. It could just be a result of me reaching, but the closest I felt to an explanation was while tripping. In that way, I feel drawn to it. I haven't tripped in over a year and I very rarely smoke. I drink moderately, for the past few years once or twice a week and over two drinks when I do. I'm confused as to why I can't enjoy smoking or tripping in the same way my peers do. It could just be an expression of this misalignment I feel, but I feel more consciously that the work I feel I need to do takes time.

[noahmh]

2 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Do you have to smoke? Do you have to trip? What are you doing with your life outside smoking and tripping? Could you focus on doing that without smoking or tripping?

I don't necessarily feel like I have to do either of those things. It feels like there's something there, though, that is profound and really piques my curiosity. Whatever it is also seems to terrify me. Parts of my waking life feel like I'm ignoring something, and when I'm high things seem to make sense. It feels like I've reached a horrifying truth that follows me into my sober life. Coming down feels like putting a blindfold on.

 

I definitely feel that I can live my life and focus on what I'm doing without smoking or tripping. I'm functional, going to school, working part-time, and have a general vision for what I want my life to be. Despite all this, I can't shake the worry that it feels small and unfulfilling. I feel that is a consequence of my trip many years ago. Whether it's that or just me growing and questioning life, I feel that way. I'm not religious other than following very loosely spiritual teachings from here.

[noahmh]

4 hours ago, RightHand said:

Here are some core fears psychedelics force me to confront :

-I don't know who I am

-I don't know what life is

-I don't trust myself to manage life

-I don't have control over life

-I am lonely

-I am scared of dying

I fully feel whatever comes up, I open my arms and surrender. 

Perhaps you could ask God or the universe to help you if you feel like you can't do it alone.

I try my best to feel these feelings and let the questions be. Sometimes I relate those deeper existential questions to struggling in a trap that only gets worse the more you struggle. I guess the obvious answer is to practice meditation and allow the monkey mind to run its course. I don't really find any solace in a God or the universe other than assuming things will go smoothly for me and my life. Like manifestation, I guess. In a way, though, I kick myself for not putting the work in that I feel I should put.

 

3 hours ago, kavaris said:

Lets all admit, we are scared, and scared we are together. With that said, we are the scared helping to lift the scared...

"Much of what he has to say on the nature of reality resonates with feelings I had in my ego-death-like experience. The past half decade or so I have been following his video releases, but I have little discipline. I have an issue building “my” life. When I am high, either smoking or tripping, I see everything going wrong. Visions of death, mostly my own, plague me."

You have a youth to you that i find so light and nice, which is good, you are just starting. Ah visions of death. Da, theres a certain beauty to death that is to be appreciated, which is kindve far from the whole getting high & tripping scene, because you are witnessing those negative/positive ebs and flows, and misunderstanding what they mean. Though theres a deeper notion to grasp there too, course, isnt there always...

Now this "building your life" cannot be found instantaneously, so you got to give it time, spread the worry out a bit, you know... (write down "life builder" and then draw some bubbles around it to understand the elements that are circulating in its orbit, to try nd get a better grasp) Then maybe, having it discretized and chopped and screwed, will give you enough time to analyze whats going on, "why" it is you are worried, and if its really the root cause/reason for it... Usually theres a deeper reason you just havent found. The faster you find these things, the quicker you can start understanding these descents and ascensions... Theres alot of smaller details to it nd i understand that.

I try my best to see beauty in death. I try my best to see beauty in all things that I feel a negative reaction to. Most of the time it works, but the most fear I've felt is definitely in the "whole getting high & tripping" thing. That fear scarred me in a weird way, and now I'm bugged because I'm so scared of psychedelic substances... lol.

 

Anyway, I really appreciate your response. I feel confident that things I want will come with time an effort. I'll try the writing exercise you suggested and see what comes up. Part of making this post was that I felt my fear and uncertainty had come to a point that I felt I needed to share. It feels good to release some of that pressure online, but I'm aware that work needs to be done on my end as well. Thank you!

(Sorry for the multiple posts. Just figured out how to multiquote.)

Edited November 18 by noahmh

[kavaris]

6 hours ago, kavaris said:

 

Things that youve last encountered as the "last big scare" always are gona stand out- in the chaotic beginnings —the new, fresh mind whos figuring things out... For you, it is this  lingering fear, this sense of discovery that you got a quick glimpse of, and then, some sortve debilitating dark impression suddenly. you want to figure it out, but at the same time, you do not like that fear, that rejection from the spectrum of white lights and, ostensibly, what could have been just feeling like you were apart of something larger maybe?... You tell me.

What were those positive things you felt originally? Write them down. What were those things that fear took in its place? Write them down. In the beginning, for atleast ten years youll be writing this sortve, poetic life stuff down.. There comes a juncture where it all comes full circle, in wholly separate ways from lsd, mushrooms, etc. this is more like, a natural full circle that shines under the new moon. and its at a mythological place that everyones heading to.

Edited November 18 by kavaris

[Rigel]

I like to remind myself of that burning monk album cover from rage against the machine when I trip. The trip is the trip. You are inventing negative meaning around it to keep yourself trapped from realizing that there’s nothing wrong with those visions at all. You are afraid? So what?

That being said, there’s no shame in stopping. You could never take a psychedelic again. That’s also an option. Or come back when you are stronger & can experience any feeling that can & will come up.

Psychedelics aren’t fun. Although they can be. Consciousness & having a pleasant trip aren’t inter dependent.

In any case, you probably need a long break. Work through your shit sober for a year or more.

[Rigel]

[kavaris]

i want to add, theres a "brain power" ability that you can begin practicing/adding into your arsenal... its not a logic thing directly (at first), its not an enlightenment thing (not directly at first), its also not any other notion that youd associate with brain power, its more like, sitting and focusing on your temple lobes, and the pineal gland, and that whole relationship... Trying to feel it, like people who can wiggle their ears might feel there ear in order to wiggle it, you are doing that in this practice (whilst tuning in to the natural frequency ), and you are wiggling your brain, like different parts — so, if you can imagine that, then thats what your trying to do.. and you are like, working on this 'hidden power' type thing... whats that pokemon move that can produce a random effect? Its like that, you dont know what your gonna get until youve done it enough to know, when you can use 'hidden power', and which pokemon its super effective against, or when its too weak of a time to do it.

Edited November 19 by kavaris

[Carl-Richard]

20 hours ago, noahmh said:

Despite all this, I can't shake the worry that it feels small and unfulfilling. I feel that is a consequence of my trip many years ago.

A big thing psychedelics do is they reveal what is true about yourself and what your strengths and values really are. If you are unhappy about something in your life, and those things were largely set in motion or settled before you started taking psychedelics, that could indicate some re-evaluation is in order. What do you really value? What are you really good at? What do you really want to do? Now, of course this has to be balanced with your sense and a holistic real-life view, but still, a re-evaluation might be in order.

If you do that in the personal domain and make the changes and still realize that something isn't right, maybe you need to work in the transpersonal domain (transcending the self).

Edited November 19 by Carl-Richard