Victoria Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Recording my morning and night routine. 

 

Edited November 17 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

  On 14/11/2024 at 5:44 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up early but I had a serious nightmare. Maybe it means something. 

So in this terrible dream I was failing a test. The test was a complicated test based on drama, prose and poetry. There were tons of paper sheets.. I asked my sister for help but she was indifferent. There were multiple stairs and it was physically tiring to climb up the stairs to reach a person who was supervising the tests. All test resources were with him. When I went downstairs to take the test, no one would help me. I was completely confused on how to filll up the test forms. A girl sitting next to me was cooperative in the beginning but after a while she stopped talking and every time I asked her about the test, she was looking elsewhere and wouldn't reply. So the guy tells me to speak to the supervisor upstairs. This is really stressful to me as time of the test is running out and I have barely filled one sheet at all, rest of the answer sheets are blank. I run upstairs again and speak to the supervisor who tells me that there is a test manual that I need to read before I attempt the test. I grab the test manual book and I try to run downstairs with it but he stops me, grabs it from my hand and tells me that we aren't allowed to take it. I look perplexed at him because it's impossible to read the entire manual in a minute. And I'm running out of time. I run downstairs again in the hopes that I'll complete the test in time yet I feel helpless with the whole system. It doesn't help that I didn't prepare for the test at all. But the preparation time was only two days and that wasn't enough for me. 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 6:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Empath 

Compassion 

Holistic living - not putting junk food in your body 

Being in tune with nature 

Positivity 

Power of prayer

Resilience building 

Grounding 

Intuition work 

Soulwork

Dream interpretation

Shadow work 

Morality - good versus evil 

Consciousness

Conscience 

Self awareness 

Forgiveness and non judgement 

Wholeness and infinity 

Abundance 

Honest self expression 

Being your authentic self 

Power of the subconscious

Heart mind unity

Staying Balanced

Understanding Human nature

Maslow's hierarchy of needs 

Chakra method 

Different kinds of meditation

Contemplative insight work 

Devotion 

Attachment and Detachment 

Emotional regulation 

Emotional expression 

Self inquiry 

Repetition of a sacred phrase 

Alignment with the divine purpose is also a form of prayer

All non duality is love 

Love is the greatest sacred intent

Happiness is key 

Bringing divine power into our lives 

Divine Healing 

How to grow and upgrade spiritually 

Spiritual unwinding

Spiritual wisdom 

Wellspring or Sacred Fountain 

Love 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 11:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had a good day so far. 

 

Not the healthiest lunch today. Cheat day. 

Salmon gravy, rice, 2 hard boiled eggs and some coke 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I ate chocolate cake. 

 

It's the doing of Pure Philosophy

It's thousands of hours of contemplation and deep existential questioning

It's understanding the 9 Stages Of Ego Development and working through each stage

It's developing profound Construct-Awareness

It's taking psychedelics

It's observing your own ego in action and the egos of others

It's study and research, reading and watching videos

It's educating yourself about the world, cultures, geography, politics, science, various forms of spirituality

It's developing a life purpose

It's getting crystal clear about your values and principles

It's the study of self-deception

It's the study of epistemology and its many traps

It's deconstructing everything

It's understanding your own corruption and selfishness

It's studying your own emotions and developing mindfulness over them and understanding how and why they work

It's recognizing immaturity within yourself and working towards mature ways of being

 

November 14. Thursday. 2024. 

I have a therapy session in an hour.

Im nervous. 

If the therapy session goes well, I'll eat a piece of cake as a reward. 

 

 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 6:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Finished my therapy session. I was about to have a mental breakdown during the session. It was that tiring and frightening. But I carried myself somehow. I have a good therapist this time. 

 

  On 14/11/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I lost 60 million coins in the game. But it's okay. 

 

  On 15/11/2024 at 6:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Feeling okay this morning. 

 

  On 15/11/2024 at 7:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I can't believe I spent 60 million coins on a cue. Oooooof. 

 

 

I went for a morning walk. On the way two cats rejected me and I picked this little flower on the sidewalk. 

I had a slice of cake as a reward for my effort yesterday. 

 

The cat that rejected me. Sneakily looks at me. 

 

I also saw a struggling butterfly on the ground. 

 

 

Trolled once more. 

 

  21 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

I'm going to make soya chunk gravy today for lunch. 

 

  11 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Yesterday therapy session went well. 

 

 

  11 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Today I ate a cake as a reward. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My life is great when I get to cook great food. 

I made a stuffed bun and soya chunk gravy today. 

Today I ate a healthy lunch.. A whole fried  salmon, stuffed bun, soya chunk cashew  gravy. 

 

Along with some lime water. 

And some pickles. 

 

My food was great and  I'm extremely happy. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I had 21 million coins in my game wallet. 

Yesterday I worked hard and made another 6 million. So now my current wallet balance is 26.5 million. I still can't believe that I lost like 60 million coins  in one day. I don't know if it was worth it. 

I really wanted that beautiful cue and I got it. I thought what's the point of holding the coins anyway, if I don't have my favorite cue.

Compromise is tough if I waited months and months for a great cue. I have an animated cue now.. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

A large hibiscus has grown in my garden. That's a new plant I bought today from the store. 

 

 

 

Flower in my garden. Video. 

My husband's trolling cat sneaks into the bushes.  

 

Edited November 16 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

This is so funny. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I don't want anyone to say I have a good heart. Saying that I have a bad heart is better. So manipulative. Call me a good person and then proceed to insult me. This forum never changes. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Today I'll be making butter chicken for lunch. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

So I ate a wonderful meal for lunch. Sunday is a fun day. 

Butterchicken gravy, rice and lime water bottle. 

[Buck Edwards]

Time to have a wonderful dinner. Chicken again. Lots of it. I love chicken. 

 

Time for me to sleep. 

 

 

Compromise is tough if I waited months and months for a great cue. I have an animated cue now.. 

Yesterday I made another one million. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 17 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Woke up super early. Yoohoo. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Woke up early today. 

Have a lot of work pending today. Plus a therapy session in person with a new therapist. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Finished my therapy session today. November 19. It wasn't a good experience. The therapist kept asking a lot of questions. When I asked her how she felt about me as a client, she was being just numb and not saying anything at all. She refused to talk to my family which is the general protocol I have had with therapists in the past. She said there was no homework and that she will never assign any homework. I was clueless as to what sort of therapy model she wanted to use on me. She talked about breathing exercises and kept asking me about the next appointment saying she is always too busy. I was sort of pissed off with her casual attitude because she offered absolutely nothing for me to work on neither discussed about future therapy sessions. It was money down the toilet. Sometimes I just don't want these f****** therapists, they always fall short of even basic expectations. There is no plan, model or homework or implementation that a client can use. They just listen. But I want more than that. I want real solutions and techniques and some homework where I can record some progress and the therapist can actually walk me through it. So it was a waste of money. 

[Buck Edwards]

The last thing that my sister said to me was to find a new therapist nearby. My new therapist Chris is still my current therapist. He was quite better than the previous ones I met. 

Yet he isn't always fully available. Plus I can't meet him in person. 

So I need a new therapist that I can meet regularly. 

There's a small hospital near my place and I think I can try there. There are only 3 therapists there. Generally I'm more comfortable with a male therapist. So far the female therapists just too chatty and don't offer anything other than sweet words of assurance. The male therapists offer something constructive like worksheets. 

So once hunting for a new "good" therapist. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Therapy is a big big deal. 

At the end of the 1 hour therapy session I had dry mouth. I was craving water badly. I had been speaking to the therapist for a full hour and my mouth was running dry. I just couldn't speak anymore. She couldn't have the courtesy to offer me water or a pause or break. I swear they only care about money. She wanted to drag the time to an accurate hour and then abruptly end the session without discussing any future plans or follow ups. 

It's like they don't understand patient dissatisfaction at all and take us for granted on top of exorbitant fees. Geez. 

[Buck Edwards]

And the one routine I find quite awkward about any or every therapy session is the need to answer a plethora of personal questions. Going over my childhood over and over and over with each new therapist is extremely exhausting. An exhausting ritual I have to repeat with every new therapist. They keep digging up my trauma. I have to repeat the story of my childhood, my PTSD, my current marriage, my past boyfriends, my mom's bipolar manic episodes, my father's passing, all over and over. The whole story repetition takes a lot of time and strength. I do feel heard and validated but that's not what I'm paying for. I want real ways to deal with my nightmares. So far absolutely nothing has worked to cure my nightmares and flashbacks. They continue. Sometimes they are mild and sometimes severe. They are absolutely horrendous sometimes. 

 

My core psychological issues revolve around —

• Nightmares and flashbacks
• Depression and social anxiety 
• CPTSD
• Borderline personality disorder 
• Autism 
• Addiction 
• Codependency and limerence and tiny bit of OCD
• Suicidal ideation 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm working on it. I just wanted a very knowledgeable therapist to work with. I had my diagnostic sheet in hand where the result indicated that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and I showed her the diagnostic sheet. She even took a printout of it. And then she said that she doesn't believe in psychological disorders.. I mean fuck you woman. Why in the world is your website stating that you have a specialization in treating borderline personality disorder only for you to say in the very first therapy session that you don't believe that disorders exist. WTF... The only reason I opted for her out of other therapists is because she explicitly stated that on her website. It also stated that she is specialized in treating bipolar disorders. I mean a giant WTF.... You say you treat people's disorders and the first thing you tell them is that there is no diagnosis. Are you fucking kidding me? You should have stated that on your website then!!!!?!!!!

I swear I'm having a fit of rage now. I'm going into a borderline episode. My mother is bipolar. So she could have spoken to my mother which she didn't. I mean is this a joke??????

If disorders don't exist, what the fuck are you treating? 

And why not be honest about your client approach so they have an idea about what they would be dealing with before spending their huge sum of money on these so called therapists. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

She even stated on her website that she specializes in Dialectical behavior therapy. Wtf???? Dialectical behavior therapy(DBT) is necessary for borderline personality disorder clients. I swear it was such a scam. She didn't know anything about DBT. I WANT MY MONEY BACK. 

I didn't ask for any refund. I was exhausted and confused and in a state of daze and I had dry mouth and I walked out of the clinic. 

Now it hits me. I feel like a coward right now. I swear. I should have demanded a refund of my money.....

I swear I'm too pissed off today. No therapy. No assurance. No plan or model. No insight. No advice. Nil.. Nada. Nothing. I got nothing you bloodsucker fucking therapists..... 

Took my money and sent me home. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I woke up early today and still had nightmares. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I need to have constructive goals.