Actualized makes me feel like a failure

[Consept]

1 hour ago, trenton said:

I get a lot of mixed messaging around chess. Some say it is a game and I should find a better purpose. Some say "follow your passion." Some say "don't give up." This forum conflicts with what my doctors told me.

 in the end, I'm alone in making these decisions. At the moment I am losing interest in chess unless I can play with enthusiastic students who want to learn. Online chess is getting less interesting to me.

I have a plan for the next month. I want to build a thoughtful routine and schedule for work, play, and self help and projects.

What's your ranking? I'm like 1600, could do with some tips actually 

[trenton]

22 minutes ago, Consept said:

What's your ranking? I'm like 1600, could do with some tips actually 

@Consept I am rated about 2050 uscf. I was a chess teacher and coach. I trained some people to win tournaments. What questions do you have?

[Consept]

8 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Consept I am rated about 2050 uscf. I was a chess teacher and coach. I trained some people to win tournaments. What questions do you have?

Dunno itll probably get a bit technical but keeping it broad is there anything i can do to get to 2000, my highest was 1750 

[trenton]

@Consept here's how I did it 

I started watching remote chess academy when I was rated 700. I looked at video lessons like the secrets of strong players. The older lessons on youtube are what I found helpful for reaching 1600. This was combined with starting a lichess.org account and analyzing every game with a computer. I made many studies on my opening repertoire. I combined my own understanding with the computer calculation to figure out my opening play. I find that I retain more when I build my own opening rather than copy someone else.

Along with that I studied many paid courses from remote chess academy and improve my chess. I found the most helpful course to be the grandmasters opening laboratory 2. It taught me techniques that applied against Master level players and shows how to make a positional sacrifice from the opening.

I practiced theoretical endgames with a chess encyclopedia and a computer. This helped me to find draws in otherwise lost positions.

Most of my mistakes happen in the middlegame. This is either due to misunderstanding the optimal strategy or by miscalculation. There are courses that might help but after a while I got diminishing returns from courses.

Before my tournament games I looked in a mirror and started repeating affirmations. I visualized myself becoming a grandmaster and playing a beautiful game against strong opponents. This is how I ultimately beat a national master.

Some good channels include John Bartholomew and chessnetwork. 

[Consept]

7 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Consept here's how I did it 

I started watching remote chess academy when I was rated 700. I looked at video lessons like the secrets of strong players. The older lessons on youtube are what I found helpful for reaching 1600. This was combined with starting a lichess.org account and analyzing every game with a computer. I made many studies on my opening repertoire. I combined my own understanding with the computer calculation to figure out my opening play. I find that I retain more when I build my own opening rather than copy someone else.

Along with that I studied many paid courses from remote chess academy and improve my chess. I found the most helpful course to be the grandmasters opening laboratory 2. It taught me techniques that applied against Master level players and shows how to make a positional sacrifice from the opening.

I practiced theoretical endgames with a chess encyclopedia and a computer. This helped me to find draws in otherwise lost positions.

Most of my mistakes happen in the middlegame. This is either due to misunderstanding the optimal strategy or by miscalculation. There are courses that might help but after a while I got diminishing returns from courses.

Before my tournament games I looked in a mirror and started repeating affirmations. I visualized myself becoming a grandmaster and playing a beautiful game against strong opponents. This is how I ultimately beat a national master.

Some good channels include John Bartholomew and chessnetwork. 

Wow thanks man, very helpful and i really respect what youve put into the game. Ive bookmarked your post and im definitely going to try some of the steps youve suggested 

[LordFall]

You can do many things around chess that would help you make money from it. Start a youtube channel/twitch channel around it. Start a weekly chess meetup and make a social media page and interview the people that come to your events for content. Charge people either for membership or for coaching or if you get a decent amount of views on the content then you'll get good money from ad revenue.

It is actually both a matter of emotional mastery but good planning. Complaining that you're depressed and not making progress is further taking you into your weak polarity. Let's make some plans, what do you want to achieve over the next 30 days? 3 months? How much money do you need to accomplish your goals? Have you ever tried selling/marketing something? Have you done any type of content production in the past? 

[trenton]

@LordFall over the next 30 days, I plan to collect my fmla payment, return to work, manage work stress with depression and anxiety which I was hoping to get help for but didn't, I will try to get a promotion again which I am qualified for, I plan to move to Kentucky, transfer my job to another store, then set up my daily activities with an accountability partner. I will also need new insurance for my medication and possibly a therapist who specializes in autism.

[MAHAVATAR_-_BABAJI]

On 11/11/2024 at 2:33 PM, trenton said:

I seem to have fallen into the trap of self improvement. I was hoping that I could somehow find a purpose that gives me passionate energy. I found many possibilities, but I still feel unsure. My interests include teaching, chess, creative writing, philosophy, psychology, and political research.

I feel like my inability to turn these things into a sustainable career is a sign of a personal defect. I have been using books about emotional mastery in an effort to fix myself. I fundamentally believe I cannot be good enough to live a decent life. I am also a bad choice for dating and I struggle with a family who does not see my value as strangers do. I have struggled with depression and autism among other things for many years. I am much better than I used to be and as I integrate back into society, I notice things that trigger negative thoughts.

Me trying to improve myself never seemed to be enough. I am noticing that this site I try to use to improve myself in some ways feeds into my depression. I'm basically comparing myself to Leo and all the people who had God realization or have found a purpose to commit to. Meanwhile I am lost in the confusion around my identity because of the disruption of my original childhood dream to be a professional chess player.

When I look at all my old habits back at home I start to think no wonder I'm so depressed.

Same here. Only on the intellectual side of things. I'm 24 and have even developed various siddhis through doing hardcore sadhanas. Idk how old you are though? 

My advice is forget about leo. Leo has a job where he can spend 24/7 studying things we aren't able to because we are away from the house. He also gets sent many videos and things from other people. Not everything he has discovered his self(insights blog). 

I'd say do as much as you can and focus on that my friend rather than making distinctions between yourself and others 😉 

[Dabidoe]

Failing is always tied to perception.

If your goal was to stay alive you're every breath would be victory.

[WonderSeeker]

On 11/12/2024 at 7:37 PM, trenton said:

@WonderSeeker I would like to address the whole "I hate myself" thing.

I am 26 years old. I still struggle with different trauma responses from my childhood. One of the responses was to place high standards on myself believing that accomplishment would establish a sense of self worth. I'm still doing it on this forum all the time. Basically a messed up event from when I was six made it feel impossible to love myself. I'm still punishing myself by seeing myself as unworthy of love for lack of proof of self worth.

I want to get better about coming to the forum and writing about everything wrong with me. This reinforces the old habit I developed of denying myself love.

Thank you

Brother, I'm also 26.

And I have a similar trauma response.

All I'm saying is you need to stop punishing yourself.

You are your own worst enemy here.

What will it take to change, in your own words?

[hyruga]

If you are struggling financially to make end's meet, your number one priority would be to earn money.

Doing self help stuff is good but it doesn't earn you money in the short term. It may be helpful in getting you a job from job interview.

If you already have a good amount of savings, then of course you can use this time to see if you can pursue your passion.