Actualized makes me feel like a failure

[trenton]

I seem to have fallen into the trap of self improvement. I was hoping that I could somehow find a purpose that gives me passionate energy. I found many possibilities, but I still feel unsure. My interests include teaching, chess, creative writing, philosophy, psychology, and political research.

I feel like my inability to turn these things into a sustainable career is a sign of a personal defect. I have been using books about emotional mastery in an effort to fix myself. I fundamentally believe I cannot be good enough to live a decent life. I am also a bad choice for dating and I struggle with a family who does not see my value as strangers do. I have struggled with depression and autism among other things for many years. I am much better than I used to be and as I integrate back into society, I notice things that trigger negative thoughts.

Me trying to improve myself never seemed to be enough. I am noticing that this site I try to use to improve myself in some ways feeds into my depression. I'm basically comparing myself to Leo and all the people who had God realization or have found a purpose to commit to. Meanwhile I am lost in the confusion around my identity because of the disruption of my original childhood dream to be a professional chess player.

When I look at all my old habits back at home I start to think no wonder I'm so depressed.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GnavHCepng

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFH-jl7UW9g

 

[Sugarcoat]

Your mind is supposed to work for you not against you. You have too much negative rumination about yourself going on. Keep up the work with the books about emotional mastery that could probably help, but reframe it in your mind. Don’t see it as something “wrong” with you that needs fixing, that you’re not “good enough” but still acknowledge the problems you have. You have narrowed down your interests, that is a first step. Making it into career isn’t easy it takes a lot of work. So don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s plenty of room for improvement. 

[Bjorn K Holmstrom]

Dividing the world into successful vs non successful people becomes a trap it seems. Taking myself as an example, one frame of mind focusing on certain circumstances would say I am a loser, another frame of mind with another set of circumstances would say I'm the greatest human being yet to walk on this Earth. In the end these ideas matter not as much as what you decide to do. You seems to have the interests base to become a great teacher, isn't that something that would resonate with you?

[TreyMoney]

Hey Trenton. Brave share! 

I understand the feeling of self help exhaustion / depression. It can truly be daunting to evaluate our lives and see all the things "wrong" with our current lives.

First, we need to stop thinking of life or success or growth in terms of "wrong/right, failure/successful, defective/functional". This is a value judgment by our inner critic sub-mind.

Instead, where we are in life, how we are doing, how successful we are, etc, are simply experiences.

Do you use the Wheel of Life to track your feelings about your life areas periodically, say every 3 months?

I find it helpful to pick 1 or 2 areas of the wheel max, and focus on those areas for 3-6 months. Trying to work on every area at once can be too much.

Here my 12 areas:

1 - Physical Health / Well-Being

2 - Emotional / Psychological Health / Well-Being

3 - Living Environment

4 - Familial Relationships

5 - Friendships and Social Circle

6 - Intimate Relationships / Sexual Well-Being

7 - Education / Career / Work / Labour

8 - Money / Finances

9 - Recreation / Hobbies / Activities / Leisure

10 - Personal Development

11 - Knowledge / Understanding / Wisdom

12 - Spirituality / Religion

 

I group these into Health (1-3), Love (4-6), Wealth (7-9), Self (10-12)

[sholomar]

Life is a mental game. You can try to climb on the personal development hamster wheel to try to feel a since of pride of accomplishment and as a man that is important to do in moderation but in the end it still comes down to peace of mind independent of external circumstances, which is something that is hard to teach or tell you how to do, you just need to find your inner peace on your own through self inquiry.

For example, I am at peace despite the fact I acknowledge I have aspie traits, a boring personality, and lack the playful demeanor that creates most bonds, friendships, relationships. There are other areas in life I work on to keep my peace of mind such as low bodyweight percentage, diet and fitness. I am nice towards others, but will never be a storytelling extrovert or a practical joker and my playful banter skills are a work in progress. Arguably these are the most important traits to have as a member of the species.   As a man I should say, if you want something you have to be aggressive and take risks. People with good intentions will tell you to be responsible and play it safe, but typically the most successful in life don't actually do this. They take risks, if they mess up they try again and again.  They act in spite of their fear.

Regardless of what you do, good luck!

Edited November 11 by sholomar

[WonderSeeker]

@trenton

I'm going to answer this in 2 ways.

First of all, you listed several different problems in your post. Too many to realistically address. This sub-communicates to me "I hate myself." You can stop being so harsh on yourself... that is at least 69% of the problem right there!

I mean, just look at the language you used to talk about yourself here:
 

10 hours ago, trenton said:

I seem to have fallen into the trap of self improvement. I was hoping that I could somehow find a purpose that gives me passionate energy. I found many possibilities, but I still feel unsure. My interests include teaching, chess, creative writing, philosophy, psychology, and political research.

I feel like my inability to turn these things into a sustainable career is a sign of a personal defect. I have been using books about emotional mastery in an effort to fix myself. I fundamentally believe I cannot be good enough to live a decent life. I am also a bad choice for dating and I struggle with a family who does not see my value as strangers do. I have struggled with depression and autism among other things for many years. I am much better than I used to be and as I integrate back into society, I notice things that trigger negative thoughts.

Me trying to improve myself never seemed to be enough. I am noticing that this site I try to use to improve myself in some ways feeds into my depression. I'm basically comparing myself to Leo and all the people who had God realization or have found a purpose to commit to. Meanwhile I am lost in the confusion around my identity because of the disruption of my original childhood dream to be a professional chess player.

When I look at all my old habits back at home I start to think no wonder I'm so depressed.

It's difficult to improve when it's coming from the place of "I suck."

_________


Second, you're between 19-22, right? 

You sir, are already 420% ahead of other people. Why? You know what you like.

Out of the 6 passions you listed, 4 are subjects and 2 are mode of expression.

So, I would take those 4 subjects and decide: Out of these, what's the one that resonates most? Then, start writing Tweets, making short-form videos in IG, or long-form on YT about chess, psychology, etc. Just to get some reps in.

If you want to make money from it, use ChatGPT to figure out what pain points people have in these areas, then write/shoot content that helps them develop from where they are, 2 steps behind you. Then create a course or do coaching calls to help them. Just spitballing, lol

If you're still not sure, then it's because you don't have enough life experience. Also, you don't yet see how the different puzzle pieces of your life could fit together based on the limited data you currently have. This is where you make bold decisions and move forward.

Peace

Edited November 12 by WonderSeeker

[trenton]

@Bjorn K Holmstrom I have proven myself to be a great teacher. I love teaching enthusiastic students chess and it helps them win tournaments. I also show great promise in mental health and philosophy. After all the treatment centers I've been to, I consistently helped people struggling with depression and existential problems. I even did better than the staff and group facilitators when I recognized the mistakes they made in treating trauma patients. This is a result of all the self education I did with self help. I think this is a clue to what my life purpose might be. It has something to do with sharing research on a variety of topics in a way that improves people's lives.

I even did this for politics. I stopped fights at the kitchen table by fact checking. My most significant accomplishment was helping a woman who was 60,000 dollars in debt due to predatory loaning. She cried tears of joy when I helped her get out of this mess that she struggled with for 15 years.

I would like to create a multi disciplinary study to educate people while drawing connections between seemingly unrelated topics. This could be in the form of teaching strategy games, building my own rehabilitation center without the flaws of the other centers, joining a think tank, or maybe something else. One of my life coaches suggested becoming a life coach.

There's a lot of things I could do, but I'm not sure how to go about building some kind of program like this. I'm not sure what kind of program I should aim to build, but I believe my life purpose lies somewhere in that direction. Teaching chess in schools at minimum have me needed experience with teaching and working with kids.

[Buck Edwards]

I think your negative self dialogue is causing your depression. You should be happy if more people on this forum are God realized because God realized people (at least in expectation) are more empathetic and understanding. It's better than talking to street folks. Also don't focus on Leo's success because it's not necessary to your development. You are unique as you are. The fact that you are living life despite all the problems is already a measure of success. Most standards of societal success are very superficial and do not provide room for a deeper understanding of human development. 

[trenton]

@WonderSeeker I would like to address the whole "I hate myself" thing.

I am 26 years old. I still struggle with different trauma responses from my childhood. One of the responses was to place high standards on myself believing that accomplishment would establish a sense of self worth. I'm still doing it on this forum all the time. Basically a messed up event from when I was six made it feel impossible to love myself. I'm still punishing myself by seeing myself as unworthy of love for lack of proof of self worth.

I want to get better about coming to the forum and writing about everything wrong with me. This reinforces the old habit I developed of denying myself love.

Thank you

[puporing]

@trenton It sounds to me like you are already doing "your purpose" where you can. It's not absolutely necessary to turn that into a career if there's not a good fit for that. I would argue that the things that you are listing are generally not things that will earn you a steady income in this world (at the highest level). I am a healer but I have no desire to be a "professional therapist" the way this world is running it for example. I'm not saying you can't be though..

In terms of your own struggles.. if you ever want to reach out, feel free to, I have gone through some similar things with my family and may be of assistance in getting out of that particular funk. I consider myself "orphaned" some time ago.

Edited November 13 by puporing

[Consept]

6 hours ago, trenton said:

@WonderSeeker I would like to address the whole "I hate myself" thing.

I am 26 years old. I still struggle with different trauma responses from my childhood. One of the responses was to place high standards on myself believing that accomplishment would establish a sense of self worth. I'm still doing it on this forum all the time. Basically a messed up event from when I was six made it feel impossible to love myself. I'm still punishing myself by seeing myself as unworthy of love for lack of proof of self worth.

I want to get better about coming to the forum and writing about everything wrong with me. This reinforces the old habit I developed of denying myself love.

Thank you

This seems to be your core issue and most likely a lot of the negative feelings stem from this. What's great is you have amazing self awareness, which is crucial for addressing this issue. 

Have you ever had therapy or talked to a professional about this? I think if you can work with someone that can help you to reframe these thoughts, you will see a lot pf progress 

[trenton]

@Consept I have tried talking to multiple therapists. Honestly, they were not as helpful as I hoped. They were not prepared to deal with autism and how my brain processes trauma. Most of my progress came from doing my own research on trauma responses.

At the very least I want to use this forum for something better than just complaining about my problems out of a lack of self love.

[Keryo Koffa]

 

[Leo Gura]

Man, I have failed at some many things in so many ways.

Failure is all part of the self-discovery process.

Life holds many greater things for you than endless games of chess.

Edited Wednesday at 02:30 PM by Leo Gura

[Rishabh R]

@Leo Gura What do you think on radical acceptance of failure and then action. Sorry to bug you but Love you @Leo Gura I want you to be happy even though I don't know you personally and my self help journey began with you in 2017 January.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Rishabh R said:

@Leo Gura What do you think on radical acceptance of failure and then action.

The key is to rapidly learn deep lessons from your failure and to change how you approach things, so that you're creatively adapting to feedback rather than just doing the same thing which isn't working.

Keep asking yourself, why is this failing? How could it be changed to make it work?

Failure is a sign that there's something you're not understanding about reality. Your job is to figure out what that is.

Edited Wednesday at 04:52 PM by Leo Gura

[Peo]

26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

creatively adapting to feedback rather than just doing the same thing which isn't working.

What if it just takes some time before seeing results. You might fail more if you try to change something. Like meditation might take some time before seeing results.

How about never giving up doing the same thing over and over again untill death. This is my way of life. 

Edited Wednesday at 05:18 PM by Peo
Grammar mistakes

[trenton]

@Leo Gura you mentioned that life has greater things for me than chess. The main problem for my recovery according to the therapists is my rigid mind and thinking due to autism. In this case I created an identity around things like strategy games, my dysfunctional family, and various trauma responses. The combination makes it look like I'm stuck and can't change.

Have you made any videos about consciously constructing an identity for those who have not realized God or do you plan to?

I once created an identity as a Christian. Although I felt happy, it required me to lie to myself. Ideally I would want to create an identity that does not require self deception. I don't know how to love myself without self deception.

[trenton]

I get a lot of mixed messaging around chess. Some say it is a game and I should find a better purpose. Some say "follow your passion." Some say "don't give up." This forum conflicts with what my doctors told me.

 in the end, I'm alone in making these decisions. At the moment I am losing interest in chess unless I can play with enthusiastic students who want to learn. Online chess is getting less interesting to me.

I have a plan for the next month. I want to build a thoughtful routine and schedule for work, play, and self help and projects.