My experience in recovery

[trenton]

I just wanted to share my experience with the three mental health centers I've gone to over the past three months. My mental state has improved, but I did not get the help I was looking for.

The problem started with my medication. I was given Zyprexa from the last time I was hospitalized due to Prozac. This time the medicine damaged my liver and I was forced to stop taking it. This made me vomit constantly to the point that I could not go to work. I ended up laying in bed feeling trapped, sick, and depressed. I had a hard time eating anything.

The first center was called United Recovery Project Behavioral Health. This was located in Florida and my family had a conniption because it sounded like a scam. I contacted this center over a year ago, and they have been calling me back trying to get me to come. They mentioned that my insurance was about to expire which made me think I would miss the opportunity. They said that they would do genetic testing for my medication and get an accurate diagnosis first thing. I decided to go, believing I would be back in time for college. I felt so awful I doubted that I could make it through the Semester anyway. My family was terrified because I never travelled out of the State on my own. It is worth noting that they set me up with a plane ticket without my knowledge. This kind of situation is what I shared with other people in recovery and they compared this behavior to catfishing, especially when it involved broken promises. Manipulation tactics are used to get vulnerable people to come. I felt extreme anxiety throughout this entire process and it would continue for weeks into treatment.

I made my way through the airports and eventually made it to Florida. I walked into the recovery center at about 3 in the morning. I took a drug test and was sent to my room with three beds. There was one other man in there. The next day he would tell me that he was gay and he discovered it when his brother sexually abused him. The creepy part is that he thought that I seemed conflicted about my sexuality and he told me I looked beautiful while I was sleeping. I don't know how he figured that out, but I didn't want people watching me sleep. Rather than starting drama, I waited for him to be discharged which was shortly afterwards.

I was having suicidal thoughts everyday just like I did before coming to treatment. Rather than attempting to kill myself, I turned myself into the staff. During this time I was having nightmares about a traumatic incident from the past. I could not let it go and it was made worse by severe anxiety. I ended up trying out a bunch of different pills. Eventually I was prescribed an anti psychotic designed for Schizo-affective disorder. This diagnosis was reversed when there was no behavior change and they concluded my behavior was due to autism. This isn't the first time mental health centers thought I was hearing voices as I had conversations with myself.

I became fearful of broken promises when I never received an updated diagnosis because the staff told me it would take six months. The staff contradicted each other because the policies were inconsistent, leading to patients feeling like they were lied to. Unfortunately, I discovered that I couldn't count on these centers to keep their promises and I would have to fight them for it. For example, the case manager and therapist were frequently overloaded and had to skip sessions.

My therapist was especially problematic. She asked me about my spiritual beliefs and I went into a long monologue about Love, Truth, Consciousness, Non-duality, and so forth. She ended up simplifying my conception of God to the Christian God. She then instructed me to pray to Jesus 10 times a day. I did as I was told and didn't like it. I tried writing my own prayers for God as I understand it. I don't recall Leo ever saying anything about prayer, but I tried.

Apparently, I was really good at art therapy because my dream explained how I felt poetically. I drew a black abyss of death with a pool of blood and dead bodies at the bottom. Above the abyss was a light, symbolizing God and the light was connected to me. I also drew a nimbus around myself symbolizing holiness. I often shared lots of insights about spirituality and psychology that came from my research and the books I read on these subjects. Everybody thought I was a genius and believed I could do great things with my life. Meanwhile on the inside I still felt lost and confused about my identity and life purpose.

I met a life coach while I was there. He and the therapists suggested that I was using my logical mind a lot and not focusing on my emotional mind. Apparently, this is one of the ways I cope with trauma. The life coach suggested I become a life coach and told me to contact him for further exercises. He never answered and he probably never will. I spent as much time with the life coach as I could because life purpose and identity are at the core of my suicidal thoughts. I tried to use these things to establish a sense of self worth which I lost a long time ago.

I tried to get a new place to live in Florida, but the program would not let me because of my history with suicidal thoughts. They wanted me to go back to my family which was a major stressor for me before anyway. I was afraid of starting the cycle all over again. Although I was extremely helpful for other people struggling with God and depression, I struggled to help myself.

The second program was Florida Recovery Group. I didn't have suicidal thoughts as frequently as I did before, but I did still strongly considered killing myself. Eventually, I got better and I could go a few days without wanting to die before having a relapse and another episode of depression. Because I had my cell phone back I talked with my family to give them nightly updates. I had some awful interactions with my sister because she was part of the reason I could not tolerate waiting six years to finish college while living with her.

This center was helpful because we eventually found a pill combination that allows me to sleep consistently. It also helped through neuro retraining which made my brain more capable of dealing with depression. Unfortunately, I was only a third of the way through before being discharged. For the program I picked actualized videos to watch with the irritating light on the screen that my eyes had to constantly adjust to. I liked the postmodernism one.

The most disturbing thing that happened here is that I was being sexually harassed by other men over my virginity. They talked about hiring a prostitute to have sex with me and I interpreted this literally. I tried reporting the men, but I wasn't taken seriously because the staff thought my autism caused the confusion. I ended up calling 988 like I do when I want to die. Eventually the therapist talked with the staff and eventually the men were both kicked out. The actual story is more complicated than that.

My family panicked when they saw the hurricane coming up on Florida. It missed me and I didn't die.

The final recovery center was disappointing. I was supposed to have a job to manage work stress. Instead I got an extended leave. I wanted help managing triggers for suicidal thoughts, but I didn't get it. Most of the help I got while in these centers came from me doing my own research on psychology, autism, and trauma. I got better of letting go of guilt and shame. My mind feels more clear and present because of what I discovered.

I nearly had a suicide attempt by the haunted house which was causing people seizures. I saw it as a self harm method so I turned myself into the staff instead. I think that was the 28th of October where I nearly had a suicide attempt.

Throughout the process of these centers I noticed that many of my behaviors were trauma responses. I started trying to change them, but my therapist thinks autism is the biggest obstacle to my recovery due to my rigid mind. This makes it easy for me to get stuck in rumination, depression, and so forth. The other patients still thought I was a genius because of how insightful I was. I have been studying this stuff for a long time because I have been trying to beat depression.

Now that I am back home, I recognize behaviors that make me feel depressed. I don't have a desire to die but I am getting intrusive suicidal thoughts when I do certain activities at home. This includes listening to love songs. My therapists think I am lonely and multiple have recommended I try dating. This might be problematic because it is hard to date and be a good boyfriend while depressed. I made a separate post about this.

What do you guys think about this attempt to work on myself? I think I got better, but I want to maintain my peace of mind by avoiding things that make me feel depressed. I also want to see if there are other neuro retraining programs for depression.

[Sugarcoat]

I take both Zyprexa and prosac

[Basman]

You don't make this recovery center sound like a very competent place, especially with the therapist suggesting prayer (?).

Was it privately run?

[trenton]

@Basman I believe they were privately run. One of the therapists ended up getting fired for incompetence but this was at the second place.

Most of the progress came from me doing my own research to help me recognize my trauma responses. I did nearly all the work and the therapists were not prepared to deal with autism. At the second place I wasn't taken seriously at first when reporting sexual harassment to the therapist.

Unfortunately, these places are not as good as I hoped. Apparently there are even worse treatment centers where the staff relapse on drug addiction. At the third place there were people all around me relapsing on drugs constantly. I didn't have a drug problem so I didn't relate to the required AA meetings.

[trenton]

I posted this here because I considered the possibility of building a better treatment center. There are a lot of problems with these institutions. 

[Princess Arabia]

10 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

I take both Zyprexa and prosac

Oh wow. Didn't know. Hope they're helping.

[Sugarcoat]

Just now, Princess Arabia said:

Oh wow. Didn't know. Hope they're helping.

They only give me a little calming effect that’s it nothing else. 

[Princess Arabia]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

They only give me a little calming effect that’s it nothing else. 

Ok.