Long Term Relationship, thoughts of pickup

[Optimal_Prime]

Hey guys and gals, happy to answer any questions that you throw my way to gain clarity on the situation, but i'll start blunt. 

I've been in a relationship for about 5 years, and throughout that time, I've become more and more confident, more and more materially successful, and more independent. 

In short, I've transormed as a man the last 5 years. My partner is in large part to thank for that. 

Now, for the first time in my life I have the interest/ability in pickup that I had before I met her, while also having the actual circumstances to go out and engage with that. I think about this a lot. I WANT to approach when I'm at the mall, or see a beautiful woman in my vicinity, whereas it used to fill me with fear. And I know that I have more value to provide than when I ever did pick up in the past. 

In all, I feel stcuk in a paradox. Now that I CAN do pick up successfully, I can't. 

Have you ever had these feelings while in relationship and been able to make sense of them? 

Am I crazy for having these thoughts? Am I crazy for not acting on them? 

Feels like a toin coss for me sometimes. 

[Princess Arabia]

She was Barb the Builder and now she'll pay the price. Women should not help men build. He will rise up and go look for the next best chick. One hotter than her so he can feel like a man because now he has the means to provide.

You're not crazy for having these thoughts; it's the name of the game. It's very common. That's why women are going for the men of status these days. They are being trained to do so. Men think women don't have coaches or go to dating coaches too. They think they're the only ones learning game. Oh no, think again. The women being left behind, hurt and discarded are the ones not understanding this. 

Men are natural providers. Some are just cheap, or have felt used or been hurt. They respect the woman more when they're doing what they're supposed to do, not allowing her to help build him up for success then ditch her for a hotter more beautiful one.

 

 

Edited Saturday at 01:07 AM by Princess Arabia

[Optimal_Prime]

I'd say rather than help me build, she provided an emotional relationship of safety from which I built, independently. What she helped me build up was emotional fortitude. Confidence. A better social life. And as my first super-successful relationship, a lot of healing that there's not something wrong with me. 

[Princess Arabia]

47 minutes ago, Optimal_Prime said:

I'd say rather than help me build, she provided an emotional relationship of safety from which I built, independently. What she helped me build up was emotional fortitude. Confidence. A better social life. And as my first super-successful relationship, a lot of healing that there's not something wrong with me. 

Same thing. So now you're ready to pick up the woman of your dreams. She built up your confidence and now you're confident enough to go chase after something better. I don't know your situation fully, and I'm not judging you, it's just it's the way it goes sometimes. 

[Optimal_Prime]

I appreciate it. You gave me a lot to think on. 

I was viewing it from the lens of impulsiveness. 

In a way, getting married is like an admission that I'll never get to derive the fruits of status.

She claims the spot as the girl of my dreams. Yet just because I have the girl of my dreams, doesn't mean I don't still want to experience that which is reserved for high status men. And, admittedly, just because she's the girl of my dreams, it doesn't mean that having "the girl of my dreams" was ever a #1 priority in my life. 

If I wanted to get married, have kids, live the rest of my life content with having bagged my dream woman, then boom... she's it. But I still see gorgeous women and plan my approach. I still get job offers overseas and imagine dating foreign women while working abroad making a killing getting paid USD in cheap countries.

 

I still Place self-value on whether or not I am the guy that takes home the hottest girl in the room, and so long as I'm in a relationship, I won't be taking the hottest girl in the room here. "Won't" because of my relationship gets interpreted by my brain as "can't" because I'm not good enough - old recurring scripting from my teens and early 20's coming back to haunt me, 

[Optimal_Prime]

A friend of mine brought up, half jokingly, the idea of asking for a 1-2 year break so that I can go and "live the life" i'm fantasizing about. 

1) I don't think the relationship would survive that. I'm nonchalant about marriage but she's very much a die-hard, traditional-christian-viewpoint type of girl when it comes to all aspects of relationships and marriage, re: loyalty, commitment, etc. She's not actually christian herself, just influenced by that. If I "leave" that breaks the sanctity of the container. 

2) But let's just take it as a thought experiment for a second. I don't know if that's what I really want. Give me a year or two where I go and have a bunch of sex and then feel "ready" to get married all of a sudden? I don't think so. It's also telling that an open relationship wouldn't satisfy the itch EVEN IF I was the only one who got the hall-pass. 

I do feel tied down. I'm now in a situation where if I want to leave my city or switch careers, it would likely mean the end of my relationship. Perhaps i'm searching for freedom when thinking about pickup as compensation. 

 

 

[Princess Arabia]

Don't make any drastic decisions. Decide if the relationship you have now is worth losing for what you're thinking of doing. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

[Hojo]

@Optimal_Prime Before doing anything you have to understand that you are alone. You said the woman was your emotional crutch to lift off from but have no idea if you are still using that crutch. Make one wrong move and the entire thing collapses and you will see if you are still using them as a crutch. To fill a hole that dissapeared when you made up that there is someone out there that loves you and is there for you.

The want to go out and expand show you you are still trying to fill an imaginary hole when you said the woman you are with is perfect. If she dissapear every made up story you have of being successful with someone will go.

 

[Princess Arabia]

38 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@Optimal_Prime Before doing anything you have to understand that you are alone. You said the woman was your emotional crutch to lift off from but have no idea if you are still using that crutch. Make one wrong move and the entire thing collapses and you will see if you are still using them as a crutch. To fill a hole that dissapeared when you made up that there is someone out there that loves you and is there for you.

The want to go out and expand show you you are still trying to fill an imaginary hole when you said the woman you are with is perfect. If she dissapear every made up story you have of being successful with someone will go.

 

A man doesn't have a downfall or some kind of backlash to worry about after he gets successful with the help of a woman. Only the woman does. That success will stay will him (as long as he's still successful) while she gets none of the credit. Meaning, no one will give a woman credit for a man's success if they don't know. They will look at him and just say he's a successful man. His made up story about a woman's helping him doesn't need to linger on and is of no value to him, so if that story goes, no problem. 

It doesn't matter if the entire thing collapses because he can rebuild because he now has the built-in tools to do so of which she was helpful. What he spoke about was an identity change and she cannot take that back from him and any collapse you're talking about can only bring about a new success story because that's what success is built on - do you identify as someone capable to be successful, and are you a changed man. His answers to both those questions will be yes. He has become the success so it doesn't matter if he loses some material possession. He will gain that back in no time. 

Edited Saturday at 11:15 PM by Princess Arabia

[Hojo]

@Princess ArabiaIf he built the structure around the woman then when the woman leaves the identity will crumble or he will constantly have the memory of her underneath. Identity is a structure and you cant take the bottom out without the top falling over. If he suddenly has an identity change without collapsing the original  that identity change will be on top of the structure with this woman underneath.

He said the woman is perfect and he wont find another one to replace a perfect woman. He throw away a perfect gift so he can have sex with other woman. It's fine but it wont lead to happiness. Just feeding a unsatisfiable urge.

[Princess Arabia]

4 hours ago, Hojo said:

If he built the structure around the woman then when the woman leaves the identity will crumble

No, an identity is structured around thoughts, beliefs, assumptions and conceptual ideas. She helped him to build the structure, her herself is not a part of the structure. If she leaves the structure still remains. Think of the egoic mind identity. Look how hard it is to deconstruct. Something outside of you is not considered a construct. A construct is embedded deep within the mind's psyche. Think of her as a construction worker and him being the building. If the construction worker leaves the building still remains.

 

4 hours ago, Hojo said:

or he will constantly have the memory of her underneath

Memories can be erased or replaced or forgotten an identity remains because that's what you are identified with and the power of the I AM is stronger than any memory. I am confident, I am able to get any girls I want, if he believes these things with conviction and strong emotions, they are more apt to be his experience. His memories are just that, memories and have no power - only if you keep remembering them by putting your awareness there. Just because he says what he says about her being perfect now, doesn't mean he cannot or will not find a replacement.

 

4 hours ago, Hojo said:

If he suddenly has an identity change without collapsing the original  that identity change will be on top of the structure with this woman underneath.

I already explained the role she played in building his identity structure. He can forget about her while the structure still remains. 

 

5 hours ago, Hojo said:

He said the woman is perfect and he wont find another one to replace a perfect woman.

Doesn't matter what he says, it's the identity structure that matters. These words could mean Jack shit for all you and i know. He might just have been saying that and even if he believes that to be true, that didn't make up his structural identity, so it doesn't matter.

 

5 hours ago, Hojo said:

He throw away a perfect gift so he can have sex with other woman. It's fine but it wont lead to happiness. Just feeding a unsatisfiable urge.

He's not just feeding an urge; he's maintaining an identity he created. He has to now keep that identity alive or it will die. This is the power of an identity change. It is now who you have become. Would you like to die. You eat food and do all sorts of things to keep yourself alive. Well, it's the same thing here. Don't think there's a person underneath there that's trying to survive that identity. It's mind. The belief structure is now embedded in the mind and it is what's making the decisions to cheat, not him. The identity is, literally. It's a living thing. This is what there's no free will really means. Every action, thought and belief system is being run by this energy and that's what's really making the decisions. If his identity now is one of, ilm confident, I can get lots of women etcetc, the identity is what's taking over not him. There's no him. When you hear me say there's no one, this is what I actually mean. All I'm saying here to you is what there's noone means. It's all energy and energetic structures at play. This is why we become addicted, make poor choices, do things we say we wouldn't do but do them anyway, there's literally no control. The identity structure is what's doing it run by the one Universal energy of intelligence. He can't help but think this way now because it's a part of his identity structure and he wants to keep that alive.

[QVx]

What do you wish to pick, love or lust?

Best of luck!

[Atb210201]

On 09/11/2024 at 3:54 AM, Optimal_Prime said:

Hey guys and gals, happy to answer any questions that you throw my way to gain clarity on the situation, but i'll start blunt. 

I've been in a relationship for about 5 years, and throughout that time, I've become more and more confident, more and more materially successful, and more independent. 

In short, I've transormed as a man the last 5 years. My partner is in large part to thank for that. 

Now, for the first time in my life I have the interest/ability in pickup that I had before I met her, while also having the actual circumstances to go out and engage with that. I think about this a lot. I WANT to approach when I'm at the mall, or see a beautiful woman in my vicinity, whereas it used to fill me with fear. And I know that I have more value to provide than when I ever did pick up in the past. 

In all, I feel stcuk in a paradox. Now that I CAN do pick up successfully, I can't. 

Have you ever had these feelings while in relationship and been able to make sense of them? 

Am I crazy for having these thoughts? Am I crazy for not acting on them? 

Feels like a toin coss for me sometimes. 

Why would you try to mess things up with someone who is loyal to you and loves you in an attempt of a transient meaningless sexual adventure my friend?

Edited Sunday at 06:42 PM by Atb210201

[Princess Arabia]

4 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

Why would you try to mess things up with someone who is loyal to you and loves you in an attempt of a transient meaningless sexual adventure my friend?

You're looking for the mind to make sense, it doesn't. This part of the mind (his wanting to stray) is coming from the subconscious while your comment from the conscious, rational, logical. The subconscious wins every time because it's what runs the show.

[Atb210201]

1 minute ago, Princess Arabia said:

You're looking for the mind to make sense, it doesn't. This part of the mind (his wanting to stray) is coming from the subconscious while your comment from the conscious, rational, logical. The subconscious wins every time because it's what runs the show.

That's just a simple question to ponder upon, no need to complicate things my friend.

Edited Sunday at 06:51 PM by Atb210201

[Princess Arabia]

1 minute ago, Atb210201 said:

That's just a simple question to ponder upon, no need to complicate things my friend.

It's not complication, it's called understanding.

[Atb210201]

Just now, Princess Arabia said:

It's not complication, it's called understanding.

Alright.

As you say my friend.

I'd still like to hear the answer from him as well.

Thank you.