How To Deal With Constant Fear Of Abandonment?

[Natalya]

I've always had abandonment issues, coming from early childhood, but I'm not here to blame my parents or curcumstances - too educated to play a victim. I'm posting because I'd like to learn how to deal with this constant concern in the back of my mind that ruins my relationships with people. The level of mistrust has grown proportional to unsuccessful relationships to the point that I completely lost hope that someone will be willing to stick around. People come and go so quickly, moving on to the "greener grass." I guess I should stop worrying about the future and go with the flow, but how do I do that?

Edited February 15, 2016 by Natalya

[Natasha]

I used to have a fear of abandonment until I got awakened. That is when I saw through the illusion of 'self', there was no one to be abandoned. That fear is conditioned and everything that is created by your mind is an illusion - thoughts, concepts, memories, etc. When you get awakened, you recognize reality as it is, no labels, no filters, no thoughts, just a play of forms/ energy. Your body is a form, so are your thoughts. Also, recognize the other people as such. They are, as Leo calls it, 'nothingness' as well as you are and 'nothingness' cannot abandon 'nothingness', because it's one and the same.   

[Rito]

Great piece of advice from above,What I would like to add is that the fact that you have accepted that you have issues and you are conscious of it has already go you a long way .What you can do now is that you can  work on yourself and keep developing and ascending higher to new levels.Excel and get satisfied with all the other areas in life and one day this won't matter anymore.

Remember, that it is not YOU who they have abandoned,as rightly pointed out that there is no YOU to abandon.They have surrendered themselves to their base ego and have immersed in low consciousness if they are constantly trying to move to so called "Greener areas".Thats there neuroses not your's.No need to take things so personally.  

No relationship in life is permanent and all have a natural expiry date.Besides just because it has ran it's course doesn't mean it is entirely unsuccessful.That is you just labeling it as unsuccessful.No relationship is completely unsuccessful.If not anything it just made you realize how fickle minded and  frivolous  people can be.

[JeffR1]

@Natalya Hi Natalya. Thank you for posting.

Many people share your concern at one time or another, including me. You've mentioned early childhood issues and your parents, so I sense that is your starting point.

It isn't, as you mention, about blame, though sometimes feelings, emotions and issues still sometimes need to be worked through to find acceptance and release.

May I suggest you ask yourself a few questions, such as: Where do these feelings of abandonment come from? Was I abandoned as a child? Did my parents abandon me? How did they abandon me? Why did they abandon me? What were their circumstances? Can I emphasise with their circumstances? What is their background and upbringing? Could this lead to their behaviour? Can I forgive them for what happened? Can I move past this? What am I feeling now about what happened? Is it okay for me to let go of what I did to protect myself as a child? Can I forgive my parents? Can I forgive myself? Can I leave the past in the past? What is my payoff for holding onto this feeling of abandonment? Can I see my pattern of self sabotage? Am I willing to change? Am I willing to let go of being a victim? What can I do right now to move forward?

Wow, lots of questions! Yes, true.

And this is what self inquiry is about. Dig deep. Be honest with yourself. Don't be afraid. The truth will not kill you - it will release you! Release is freedom and freedom is joy! Be in the present moment - after all, that is all any of us ever have. Best wishes. 

[Ayla]

9 hours ago, Natalya said:

I've always had abandonment issues, coming from early childhood, but I'm not here to blame my parents or curcumstances - too educated to play a victim. I'm posting because I'd like to learn how to deal with this constant concern in the back of my mind that ruins my relationships with people. The level of mistrust has grown proportional to unsuccessful relationships to the point that I completely lost hope that someone will be willing to stick around. People come and go so quickly, moving on to the "greener grass." I guess I should stop worrying about the future and go with the flow, but how do I do that?

This pattern is mirroring your 'co-dependency" issues. You attract people that will abandon you as a clear(er) sign that you need to deal with this. 

How to: 

Bring to mind one of these situations to a point where you can feel the fear, anger, upset, hopelessness and helplessness of that situation. Feel that fully. Let your body experience the sensations. Breathe in and out without pause (we have a tendency to interrupt your breathing when we are suffering and pain gets "installed" into the memory of our cells). In fact, it is that memory that is surfacing into your reality so that it can get up and out. 

 

[Natalya]

9 hours ago, Natasha said:

I used to have a fear of abandonment until I got awakened. That is when I saw through the illusion of 'self', there was no one to be abandoned. That fear is conditioned and everything that is created by your mind is an illusion - thoughts, concepts, memories, etc. When you get awakened, you recognize reality as it is, no labels, no filters, no thoughts, just a play of forms/ energy. Your body is a form, so are your thoughts. Also, recognize the other people as such. They are, as Leo calls it, 'nothingness' as well as you are and 'nothingness' cannot abandon 'nothingness', because it's one and the same.   

Thank you @Natasha, great thoughts. I should learn more about mindfulness. Could you point me to Leo's video about nothingness? I think I might've missed it.

[Natalya]

6 hours ago, Rito said:

Excel and get satisfied with all the other areas in life and one day this won't matter anymore.

@Rito Love it! Thank you.

[Natalya]

@JeffR1, thank you for your reply. Those are great questions. I understand that digging dipper should give me answers, but I think I've already analyzed and over-analyzed and accepted everything I could. I hold no grudge against my parents, in fact what they did and didn't do is not an issue at all anymore. It's my relationships with men after which I'm damaged, despite the fact that I've forgiven them. Although I may not have completely understood their actions. But my issue is too many emotional memories, so the emotional response is easily triggered by certain behavior that I'd like to avoid, but don't know how to stop that response.

[Natalya]

2 hours ago, Ayla said:

This pattern is mirroring your 'co-dependency" issues. You attract people that will abandon you as a clear(er) sign that you need to deal with this. 

How to: 

Bring to mind one of these situations to a point where you can feel the fear, anger, upset, hopelessness and helplessness of that situation. Feel that fully. Let your body experience the sensations. Breathe in and out without pause (we have a tendency to interrupt your breathing when we are suffering and pain gets "installed" into the memory of our cells). In fact, it is that memory that is surfacing into your reality so that it can get up and out. 

 

Thanks @Ayla. It's funny you mentioned co-dependency because I just bought the "Co-dependent no more" book following someone else's suggestion in another thread. Reading chapter 2 now and so far cannot relate to any of it. lol But I know nothing about the concept, so too early to judge.

Regarding fully experiencing emotions and pain - I think that technique is only a temporary relief. I've practiced it before, and it seems to work better for anger, but not fear.

[Ayla]

@Natalya, the only reason these issues reappear, is because deep inside they are not yet solved. Maybe intellectually, you have managed to "class the files" somehow, but energetically, they still get projected into your existence. 

Look into EMDR and/or TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) 

What also comes energetically to me through your post, is the lack of "complete grief" - meaning that maybe you did everything you could to solve the issue, but haven't allowed yourself to feel the hopelessness and the helplessness of your situation  

You're on the right track

[Natalya]

Very valid points! Thank you! I've never heard of TRE. Will definitely look into it!

[Natasha]

1 hour ago, Natalya said:

Thank you @Natasha, great thoughts. I should learn more about mindfulness. Could you point me to Leo's video about nothingness? I think I might've missed it.

Spiritual Enlightenment - Intro, Spiritual Enlightenment - Part 2, Spiritual Enlightenment - Part 3.

In one of these videos (Part 1 or 2) Leo guides you in self inquiry meditation to experience the truth of no-self. Very important exercise. 

Also, watch Paul Smit's "Enlightenment for Lazy People". It's simple, fun and funny presentation to give you more insight.

[Kelley White]

16 hours ago, Natalya said:

I've always had abandonment issues, coming from early childhood, but I'm not here to blame my parents or curcumstances - too educated to play a victim. I'm posting because I'd like to learn how to deal with this constant concern in the back of my mind that ruins my relationships with people. The level of mistrust has grown proportional to unsuccessful relationships to the point that I completely lost hope that someone will be willing to stick around. People come and go so quickly, moving on to the "greener grass." I guess I should stop worrying about the future and go with the flow, but how do I do that?

@Natalya, Hi.  Nice to meet you.  I can see you have already received some excellent feedback and suggestions from everyone.

There is one thing I might offer and that is effective interpersonal communication within those relationships when those fears arise.

I have abandonment issues, I'm aware I have triggers.  I make sure each different relationship is aware of the triggers which might impact that  relationship.  If triggers arise, sometimes I remove myself, identify what is going on, ask if its me or them, and if its me?  I can realign me and they never even are aware there was an issue since the issue was in my mind.   If its them?  Then I can go back when I am in a more centered emotional space and effectively communicate to get validation in a healthy way to learn its okay to trust, not everyone will abandon you.

I also after much reflection and struggle realize I've got a 100% survival rate from being/feeling abandoned.  I had to accept honestly, I abandoned me and responsibility for me, why I selected, not attracted, but chose...(whether subconsciously or not) these types of relationships.  I have had to take 100% responsibility for MY whys so I don't choose to repeat them.   Those people each told me who they were I chose not to believe them and to see who I wanted to see.  Now when people tell me who they are I tend to believe them rather than argue with them assuming everyone thinks like I do.

Ultimately is it ideal if you can shift your perspective and see things from a more elevated perspective?  Certainly. However when we are triggered that's challenging to do, its emotion land where reason and logic seem lost in the fog. .  It can be a process versus an immediate habituated response.  The more I practice?  The better I get, the less time it can take.  Some days?  I fail.  I just examine why and know it will pass and allow time to tell.  The proof is in the actions over time by my wee observation but I'm still working on it, so I'll have to let you know. LOL  So far doing things differently seems to be having better more positive results for me.

Great thread, great responses by everyone. 

[christianblake]

Good responses. To summarize, there are a lot of solutions to your problem. @Natasha @Rito mentioned going straight to the source of your problem. False identification with your self, i.e., enlightenment. This is the most direct and effective solution for your problem, and any problem in your life for that matter haha. But I would argue that it's not necessarily quickest. I would say to really get into psychological work. Particularly work that involves your past as other members have said. Such as shadow work, therapy, childhood wounds, self-esteem. But also theres a lot of psychological concepts that emphasize changes that you can do now rather the the past. Work like this can change your perspective and mental framework, therefore changing your behaviors and then changing your reality that emphasize action on what you can currently do now. Nonetheless, you still have to learn to reintegrate dis-owned parts of yourself, the part of your self that is afraid of being abandoned. You have to go as deep as you can into your psyche until you realize that theres nothing to be afraid of. It's actually a very spiritual process. You start to become closer to reality. abandonment issues are fundamentally a fear. A fear of being alone, of not feeling enough, or some variation. But ultimately like all problems in life, they are all rooted from fear. 

So my point is start getting into heavy psychological work. Start to contemplate more on why your feeling a certain way. Questions that @JeffR1 mentioned are amazing ways to start to be your own investigator. Ultimately you have to be your own therapist. Take this perspective that your treating yourself. No one can inquire into your mental processes but you. Books about neurosis and childhood issues such as John Bradshaw, and authors simliar (can't really think of any rn) are a good start but also combine that with postive psychology that works on changing what you can do right now rather than the past. Authors like Nathaniel Brandel and Martin Seligman are good choices. You'll realize though that the "negative" psychology and positive psychology work are both the same sides of the coin. Both will be beneficial to fixing your problem.

 

And lastly back to the point of enlightenment. Work on your psychology isn't an excuse to not work on enlightenment and discovering the truth to life, but rather it's a different lane. Psychology / self-help and spiritual enlightenment work might seem like a dichotomy at first but you'll realize that these 2 concepts are as well on the same side of the coin. As you get deeper into psychology work and start to introspect about your actions you'll start to realize that enlightenment is the end of the road. 

 

- Journal avidly. Right down when you feeling negative and the fear of abandonment. Start to question it and make observations.

- Read psychological books focused on the past childhood wounds and sources of your problem to help facilitate you in solving your issue

- Still focus on enlightenment, and keep this "dichotomy" (for lack of a better term) in the back of your head. Don't lose sight of the absolute truth. Realize that your still operating in the illusory self and that you can never experience reality and experience true freedom until your enlightened. 

[christianblake]

Forgot to mention, I struggle from this a lot. As I become more aware of myself I'm starting to realize that my biggest fear in life is also a fear of being abandoned and alone. And I've spent my entire life up to this point running away from the fear. I've been reading a lot of Nathaniel Branden's work on Self-Esteem a lot. Highly recommend. He talks about shifts you can do now that can help improve your happiness and freedom from your emotional suffering. But he also has work on neurosis and childhood wounds. 

[Kelley White]

@christianblake, thank you so much.

1 hour ago, christianblake said:

I've been reading a lot of Nathaniel Branden's work on Self-Esteem a lot. Highly recommend. He talks about shifts you can do now that can help improve your happiness and freedom from your emotional suffering. But he also has work on neurosis and childhood wounds.

I will check Nathaniel Branden's work out.

[Natalya]

Thank you all so much for your recommendations and guidance!

[Kelley White]

18 hours ago, Natalya said:

Thank you all so much for your recommendations and guidance!

@Natalya, you are most welcome.  I sincerely hope you found something helpful.  Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.

[Kelley White]

@christianblake, Thank you for reminding me of Nathaniel Branden.  I have read so many books, I tend to either remember actual book content, titles, or favorite authors. Once I looked up who you were referring to, I am familiar with his work.  I am also familiar with Ayn Rand; very misunderstood author Ayn is.   His book, The Six Pillars of Self Esteem was a good read.  It made some interesting points from what I recall, but I read it years ago.   Good stuff. Thank you.

[A way to Actualize]

On 15-2-2016 at 1:54 AM, Natalya said:

I've always had abandonment issues, coming from early childhood, but I'm not here to blame my parents or curcumstances - too educated to play a victim. I'm posting because I'd like to learn how to deal with this constant concern in the back of my mind that ruins my relationships with people. The level of mistrust has grown proportional to unsuccessful relationships to the point that I completely lost hope that someone will be willing to stick around. People come and go so quickly, moving on to the "greener grass." I guess I should stop worrying about the future and go with the flow, but how do I do that?

 

This will definitely help.