HELP: Integrity and corruption issues

[Twega]

I’ve done things which I am not proud of. I’ve cheated in relationships, i’ve lied to and manipulated women. I hate the feeling I get after I do these things. I can’t understand how one part of my brain recognizes the evil that I am doing but another reptilian part of my pain ultimately drives my behavior. It seems to have the upper hand. 

So many things I did wrong. But I also feel that what happened is a gift. I have delved so deep into the evil ways of the mind. I have lied to myself and others, broken hearts and selfishly perused my desires without consideration of future consequences. That is the gift: knowing you are evil.

 

“By recognizing you are evil, you become good. By thinking you are good, you become evil.” 

Leo’s quote really got me thinking.

 

 

I’ve improved a lot, and i’m much more honest than I was in the past. But I really want to resolve this issue once and for all. 

How do I develop and strengthen my integrity? 

What practices can I do internalize the pain from these experiences and force my brain to avoid them at all cost if not only for the pain they cause me and of course others?

 

I need help ya’ll, thanks

[Princess Arabia]

This isn't a simple process and it will determine how much you want to change.

You've realized how hurting others have also hurt you in the process. "Hurt people, hurt people". Find out what is it that you haven't come to grips with from the past and how you're still holding on to that pain. You were hurt and now you project that hurt unto the world. That doesn't help. What helps is to truly forgive yourself for allowing yourself to hold unto the pain by not seeing it as a part of an experience of life and not recognizing who they truly are and who you truly are. They were in a position you are in now and they projected the hurt unto you and you kept the chain going instead of breaking it. It was their ego talking and you responded with ego for not rising above the egoic mind identity. Forgive yourself for that and not them. No need to try and forgive them because that's only reinforcing that they actually hurt you and that it wasn't just how you felt and thought about the situation - which was actually the case. You were hurt by your own mind, not what they did.

Now see yourself as forgiven, and move on. Don't look back and reminisce about past circumstances. See that tree as a dead tree and you're planting a new one and see everyone that comes your way anew. If you slip and fall, wipe your feet off and continue on what you know to be the right track without judging yourself for the slip up. 

Edited October 29 by Princess Arabia

[Yimpa]

Be curious about what it is you’re avoiding. 

[ChrisZoZo]

@Twega to have gain great integrity requires you to look at the minds very subtle way of blocking thoughts. You have to be extremely open-minded to how you are wrong and often have to get rid of beliefs that you hold onto strongly that prevent the integrity.