Hindu Calendar

[Buck Edwards]

On 28/01/2024 at 1:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Where's the destination? 

 

On 28/01/2024 at 2:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What music should I listen to? 

 

On 29/01/2024 at 0:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to have a deep emotional relationship with my soulmate. 

That's an absolute necessity. 

 

 

On 29/01/2024 at 1:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Of course I want a stable caring  relationship like everyone's else.

But I don't want it with a person who is not genuinely my soulmate. 

 

 

On 29/01/2024 at 6:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think it doesn't generate any emotion or feeling of guilt or self-shame in me and that's incredibly unhelpful to you. 

 

On 29/01/2024 at 6:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think our values differ greatly. But you tend to be too judgemental. 

 

On 29/01/2024 at 6:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Hey Soulmate, I need to work on certain things I'm addicted to. 

 

 

On 29/01/2024 at 8:07 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Conrad Tulpa - what's your take on Trump becoming the next President? 

 

Me - to be frank I'm so done with everything. 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 2:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Why should I care about anything at. All 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 3:16 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hey Soulmate, 

I have tried hard to escape my problems. It's like a new wave haunts me every time. I haven't been doing well lately. 

I'm looking for ways to break out of my cycle. 

I don't want to feel ashamed.. But being in my own world helps. 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 3:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm even more introverted now than I already was. 

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations you got here. This far. I thought I would be dead given how dangerously close I have been. 

It feels like a roller coaster. Hey Soulmate, will you ever understand my deepest pain? 

I think a soulmate is a person who you can freely open up to. I always wanted someone like that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think I have ever come this close to know certain things that are purely relevant to my life. 

 

 

 

 

 

Where do you wanna go from here? 

 

 

Will I even have the energy to continue? 

 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 3:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Lately a lot of things have been driving me nuts. 

 

 

 

 

I think you can rest easy. I'm not a threat to you or anyone in any shape or form. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 3:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

I'm definitely suck at a lot of things and I'm not doing a good job of keeping up with things that really matter. 

 

 

 

 

 

I have never been at my peak. It's been a long time now. 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 3:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Why did they lose control? 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 3:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

One major change is that I don't view people the same way I used to. 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 4:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I might have to take certain tests to see if my brain is working right. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 30/01/2024 at 5:07 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to do what will serve me best. 

At the moment I will need to cut all kinds of socializing for good. It's just not healthy. 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 5:30 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hey Soulmate, sometimes I feel like I want to share a million things with you 

 

I wish I knew the meaning of a soulmate years ago. 

I wish I wasn't so dumb. 

I wish I had known basic wisdom. 

I regret a lot of things. I went round and round around a lot of things and experimented way too much with very little guidance or wisdom 

I wish I had met certain people long ago too. 

I just never stood a decent chance at anything at all. Just manipulated at a very young age. 

And at a tender preteen age, I developed some massive self destructive behaviors. 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 11:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hey Soulmate, 

 

I want to be a better person for you. I want to outgrow all of my weaknesses. 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 11:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I wanna vacation somewhere down south in Mexico. 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 11:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Hey Soulmate, 

I love you. I really love you. I really love. I love you more than I love myself. 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 1:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think I have finally found my soulmate.. 

 

But in an imaginary sorta context. I like creating tulpas. 

 

This soulmate tulpa I created. 

 

I have named my soulmate tulpa - 

Velvet Tambourine 

They are made of velvet but they are strong as steel. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 1:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Hey Velvet Tambourine, 

 

You are evergreen. You are charming. You are my soulmate. You are made of velvet. But you are strong as steel. 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 6:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My Soulmate, My Velvet Tambourine - 

 

If you really and truly truly love me deeply then you gotta buy some rosehip oil and use it on your skin. 

 

 

I'm gonna get some rosehip oil as well. I want the smell of that stuff on my skin. 

 

 

C'mon my lover go get some rosehip oil and use it on your face.

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 6:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

So January 16 was a bad day because I had a tiff with someone that day. Nothing romantic. Just a casual person I knew since a year. The next three days were spent sulking and dealing with the unnecessary drama. Didn't want fights. They are just nasty to deal with. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then it felt like the other place I was at was just too much to be involved with. Nothing fruitful. Unnecessary critique and the gaslighting was beyond normal. I don't know wherever I go, I end up fighting with people over someone or something. I swear I'm more into harmony and love. No idea what attracts all the nastiness. 

 

 

 

 

January 20 - I began to feel better slightly. The first 5 days between January 15 to January 22 were mostly spent in excruciating pain from the factory work. 

 

I took a break from the yarn factory work for 3-4 days. This was from January 22  to January 26. 

 

I felt emotionally withdrawn post January 26. A bit overwhelmed. Stressed. No sleep. I relief heavily on caffeine and stimulants to get by. 

 

This entry reflects that - 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 7:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

January 24 - Brandy Buck And Beer

 

January 20 - Sincere communication

 

January 28 - Soulmate 

 

 

 

 

I have found work at the yarn factory. It's sometimes a bit physically taxing. 

 

 

 

 

 

Today was a fantastic day. I learned a helluva lot today. It was transformative in a way I cannot express and be grateful enough for. That's why this journal title.. 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 7:10 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I remember making this entry on January 25, 2024, Thursday and the fallout sorta hangover of that incident leaked into the next few days.. 

 

I think I have hypomania

It's a complex combination of adrenal dysregulation-hyperactivity-mania-substance abuse-dopamine craving-adrenal fatigue-adrenaline addiction salt sugar imbalance-general deficit disorder.

 

ADHMSADCAFAASSIGDD

This is what I will call it. 

I'll shorten it to ADDGDD

Which as per me means - Adrenal dysregulation Dopamine General Deficit Disorder

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 30/01/2024 at 7:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

So I can safely say that my hypomania kept spiraling from January 25  into January 26, 27 and January 28. I'm not sure of the latter days but it begins to keep fawning for a while once it kicks. So it has to be a minimum 3-4 days fawn.

 

 

This journal was recorded on January 27-28..... 

Now the fawning has stopped and I'm doing better without medication. 

 

Schizoid behaviour still present. I didn't want to talk to people I had been talking to. Total avoidance. 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 7:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

adrenal dysregulation-hyperactivity-mania-substance abuse-dopamine craving-adrenal fatigue-adrenaline addiction salt sugar imbalance-general deficit disorder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 30/01/2024 at 9:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

My soulmate sang this song. 

 

What's my name? 

Your name is Velvet Tambourine

What's my name?

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

And who does your pussy belong to? 

(To you....) 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 3:30 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I need some German spice in my drink. 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 5:21 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Whatever happened, you are also mine whatever you agreed to So why don't I also say it, say it I also fell in love I am beginning to belong to you, I am beginning to lose you ever since i met you I am beginning to belong to you, I am beginning to lose you ever since i met you

 

 

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 5:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

This heartache is very tough on me. 

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 5:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

I wish I had never fallen in love. I wish I had told my heart there's an ocean there full of love and kindness and strength. And that strength I have to find on my own. And that life I have to build on my own. 

 

And.. Be with someone who truly cares and wants to truly belong to you. It's hard. But someone who has always been around. Someone who has proved their love and commitment to you like a true friend, true guide, always been by your side and honored your emotions through communication and who stands by you when you need them. Who isn't with you just for pleasure and adventure. But with you in your pain. Someone who puts the effort to earn and keep your trust. 

 

Who is sincere in their emotions they feel for you. Who is truthful of their intent. Who is ready for all it takes to be by your side and who is ready to escalate this commitment to every level it can go to and isn't afraid or unwilling to do it. 

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 5:38 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Someone who doesn't disappear when you show real emotions. 

 

 

Someone who trusts me a little less than they trust their brother. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 31/01/2024 at 5:47 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Someone who confronts you right in the face. And not a COWARD. 

 

 

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 6:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Such romances don't lead anywhere. 

 

 

 

 

 

It's best to keep yourself alive for someone who is more real. Someone who is your true soulmate. Who feels intensely for you the way you feel for them. 

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 6:34 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

This Valentine's I really want a heart 

To symbolize my heart. 

 

 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 6:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Salute patriarchy lol. Patriarchy wants you to work hard. 

 

On 31/01/2024 at 10:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

A happy heart is a healthy body. 

 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 7:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm in love with patriarchy. 

I don't know why. It makes you more responsible as a person. 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 2:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think the strength of masculinity lies in patriarchy because it teaches you to be a responsible man, take care of women and families and maintain order in communities. It's one of the constituents of tribal culture. 

I think the strength of femininity and womanhood lies in tenderness, vulnerability, surrender, art, creativity, beauty, health, happiness, sincerity, silent strength, innocence, and intention/emotion, forgiveness, grace and eternal  love. 

 

The strength of masculinity lies in truth and abundance. Resources. Stoicism. 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 4:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

New vibes

 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 4:26 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What should you do when you know it's not your mistake. That you have become the victim of others biases 

 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 4:29 PM, Buck Edwards said:

First of all forgive the people who hate you. 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 4:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to derive some feminine energy right now. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 01/02/2024 at 4:51 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Eternal Healing Source

 

Its like a big blazing chariot of fire and ice and rainbows intensely shining in the sky and over the horizon as well as on the ocean. Like a bright beautiful setting sun. 

 

I'll call it the Eternal Healing Source - EHS

 

 

 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 5:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

At the end of the day you know where their priorities are. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 01/02/2024 at 7:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This eternal healing  source is emitting light. 

 

It's like a shiny pearl. 

It's like a pink colored heart shaped diamond. This is the eternal soulmate heart or eternal romantic heart. 

 

My idea of velvet Tambourine. 

 

 

On 02/02/2024 at 4:21 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If I had to give up my life for you I would have. 

 

 

On 02/02/2024 at 5:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have been acting crazy lately 

I have been off meds. 

 

On 02/02/2024 at 4:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I also want ownership of our souls 

 

On 02/02/2024 at 11:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

You can't live in hate forever. 

 

 

On 02/02/2024 at 11:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There are some elements. 

 

Eternal Healing Source 

Surrender 

Eternal Binding Source 

Infinite Intelligence 

Value

 

 

 

 

 

On 03/02/2024 at 0:02 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm experiencing some body heat as well. 

 

On 03/02/2024 at 4:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Not everyone resonates like family though. 

But you might find that one person who does. 

 

 

On 04/02/2024 at 9:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You're looking for some real stuff that will never come by. The world is too flawed for the universe to fit in. 

 

 

On 04/02/2024 at 9:41 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Eternal Healing Source 

 

Surrender 

 

Eternal Binding Source 

 

Infinite Intelligence 

 

Value

 

On 04/02/2024 at 11:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

All I want is a healthy happy life

 

On 04/02/2024 at 11:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Sometimes it's just really hard to keep my cool. I feel like I want something I can hold on to. My association with people hasn't been exactly profitable. I feel tired, neurotic around people. Frankly just zonked.. 

I have anxiety disorder and I want to reverse nearly everything and escape back to my childhood. So many things that I just regret. So much sorrow, problems, relationship issues, family troubles. None would have happened. 

I feel like I just sank through it all. 

What did I do wrong? Where did things go wrong so badly that I couldn't get a fucking break to put a break on everything I was allowing myself to go through? 

Of course it's a lack of self love. Potent lack of self love. I want to feel loved again. 

I want to tell myself - everything will be alright. Will a day ever come that everything becomes alright? 

I came from humble beginnings. 

I had so much to struggle as a child. Parental issues and conflicts. Why why why this miserable life? 

 

I feel awful.

 

 

On 04/02/2024 at 5:14 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Why is there no sense of responsibility in me? 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 05/02/2024 at 8:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Velvet Tambourine where did you go? 

You're my soulmate. You are my everything. You make me laugh. You make me want to live life. 

 

On 05/02/2024 at 9:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My tulpa. You Velvet Tambourine. Beautiful. 

 

 

On 05/02/2024 at 9:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I was having a severe headache a couple of hours ago. Now I feel somewhat okay. If I were talking to my soulmate Velvet what would I say - 

I have missed you and I love you. And love needs to be mutual. Then it's paradise Velvet. I want to write the most loving beautiful things to you. 

 

On 06/02/2024 at 1:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Are we to feel sad and happy at the same time? 

What kind of a mystery is life?

Why am I acting like a child? 

Why am I giving zero love to myself? 

I felt like I was too close to dying because I destroyed myself as much as I could. 

Somehow I can't find the strength. I just feel scared and life seems like an ordeal. 

An ordeal I attracted. 

 

 

On 09/02/2024 at 5:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I will always and forever be guilty of not being perfect to my ex partner. 

 

 

On 14/02/2024 at 4:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Valentine Valentine Valentine. 

 

Roses are blue. 

 

 

On 14/02/2024 at 4:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Those who love you want you to do better. 

 

 

On 14/02/2024 at 4:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Wherever I turn around, a lack of empathy is what I find. 

 

On 14/02/2024 at 5:08 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My condition has horribly deteriorated and I'm aware of that. 

 

On 16/02/2024 at 2:39 AM, Buck Edwards said:

But still... I keep my hopes up. 

I try not to let the past impact me. 

 

On 16/02/2024 at 2:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The amount of pain, hurt and heartache is just insurmountable. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 16/02/2024 at 3:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Didn't I suffer enough already? 

 

On 20/02/2024 at 8:08 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The level of anger and hatred that someone can have for life can make them incapable of love. 

 

On 20/02/2024 at 10:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

But it was perfectly alright for you to disrespect me publicly. 

 

 

On 20/02/2024 at 10:49 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You used my emotions. 

You traded my emotions for your fucking ugly ego. 

 

 

On 20/02/2024 at 10:51 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The amount of hate I feel for myself is enough to want to kill myself. 

 

On 20/02/2024 at 11:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Should I blame myself for being insatiably attracted to you? 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 8:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If you worship God, you'll meet God. 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 8:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

They say hating someone is equivalent to killing them. 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 10:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

An honest vampire is still a vampire. 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 10:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Is it my fault that I have strong emotions for you? 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 11:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

A soulmate doesn't have a gender. 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 0:06 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I fell in love with you. I felt rejected. It's fine. But sometimes rejection can feel like death. I want to lick my wounds. At the same time I don't want to give up on the idea of love. 

 

On 21/02/2024 at 0:18 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I couldn't give you what you wanted me to. I couldn't love you the way you wanted me to. My feelings and emotions were strong. I couldn't materialize my love for you. 

 

But you're a big part of my life. You're close to my heart even after such a long time has passed. 

 

You were an angel in my eyes. Agreed I placed you on a pedestal. Your beauty had blinded me(in a good way). I'm talking about your inner beauty. Appearance doesn't matter to me, neither does sex. 

Your heart is what I aimed for. You said I have your heart. I wish those days would come back. But then... This is just a dream.. 

 

 

On 22/02/2024 at 6:18 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Being separated from you can feel like death. 

 

On 25/02/2024 at 4:51 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What did I do now? 

 

On 25/02/2024 at 5:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Reality is very different from what this guy has been describing. I think he probably dumped a lot of his personal insecurity and frustration on me and basically used it as a punching bag. The only difference is that he is young. Someone older might have probably did the same thing in a different manner. 

 

It's not my fault. He got issues.. His frustration is deep. 

He has jealousy thing going on. Miserable. 

And all he does is some spiritual bypassing to get away from it. 

 

On 25/02/2024 at 5:19 AM, Buck Edwards said:

He is a bit oversmart. That's scary. It's like someone growing up way before time. It's threatening. Scary shit. You are very scary dude. 

 

Some serious sociopath issues going on. 

Delusional. Maniacal. He needs serious help. He tried committing suicide once by ingesting 100 pills. He got serious problems. Others aren't responsible for his state of misery. 

It's a bad dynamic. There is some sadomasochistic nihilistic factor going on as well. And there is some lovelessness and denial as well. 

He doesn't want to know that he has problems because that might go against his ego lol. 

 

 

On 25/02/2024 at 5:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You used sex to trap me. 

 

 

On 25/02/2024 at 5:52 AM, Buck Edwards said:

And I still love you. 

 

On 25/02/2024 at 6:12 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wish I could be sleeping beside you. I wish I were sleeping in your arms. I want to forget anything that constitutes life. 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 4:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I had a story running through my head. A man who is a cop and who falls in love with a doctor's wife. But this man is pure psycho shit. He would do anything to have her. 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 4:45 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm imagining the sort of conversation between the cop guy and the doctor's wife. 

He kidnaps her. He wants her for a wife. He breaks her psychologically. Then he has sex with her. He wants her to surrender to him.. 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 8:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Wife 

I'm really tired. 

Husband/psycho cop

Go get some rest. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 26/02/2024 at 0:30 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to write a lot these days. 

 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 1:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What is love and what is lust? 

 I want to explore tantric sexual attraction. 

Tantric sexual attraction involves some level or degree of deep sexual tension and mysticism. It's like a mystical experience. 

I think the soulmate kind of love is a delicate mixture or bouquet of different flavors, ecstacies, skills as well as the core component of love. 

Core component of love is true spiritual love. 

 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 1:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

1

All the factors have to compliment one another. 

2

I think there are a couple of important components to this. These need to come together. 

So what are these components? 

Deep spiritual love or true love. Deep genuine concern and caring for that person. This ocean of love and emotions. Genuine feelings. I can compare it to mirroring. You would almost mirror their emotions. You would synchronize with them. If they feel bad, you feel bad. If they are upset, you are upset. You have to be on a certain level a warm hearted person to be capable of doing this. I don't think cold hearted people can be in love for longer than a week. For them love means only satisfying basic needs. 

I think love also has friendship in it. That person feels like a true friend. They deeply care like a friend. You get along with them. You have basic compatibility with them. 

Then you have commitment and loyalty, integrity and ethics which is a part of ethical love or deep matured love. It's not greedy or unethical or cheap. It has substance and value to it. The purer the love the higher the integrity. Highly integrous love will be very hardcore and not half baked. It will be deeply emotional and not manipulative. It will be pure. It will be closer to true love. It will be ethereal. It will be "high integrity love."

Low integrity love is easy come easy go. It doesn't carry weight or substance. It's easily substituted. 

 

 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 1:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

• Transcendence
• Ego
• Respect
• Consideration 
• Confidence
• Romance
• Chemistry 
• Attachment 
• Security/Insecurity 
• Sexual 
• Dynamic 
• Maturity 
• Spiritual 
• Harmony 
• Communication 
• Commitment 
• Loyalty
• Mysticism 
• Understanding 
• Leadership
• Wisdom 
• Beauty 
• Attraction 
• History 

 

 

 

You have to be a good sport at the end of the day. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 26/02/2024 at 2:55 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This heart is now visible to many eyes

I am lying here in your arms

The mountains  are moving and they are being kissed

The wind kisses the body of every river From here to there, we are at the mercy of our desires.

Let the clouds cover these flowers. 

I want to see the beauty of the world through your eyes. 

Today my heart sings a beautiful song. 

I've been here too many times. My heart is pounding.

 We meet in these valleys.. 

 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 4:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think romantic love is a unicorn. It's a celestial phenomenon. 

It has many facets to it. 

One being the most obvious and it's the soulful connection. 

But romantic love also has a mystical aura to it. You don't find that in love of a mother for her baby. 

Romantic love has a sexual tension component to it. There's the honeymoon phase and the phase of mutual connection. There's the component of ethics and integrity in a sense, you don't want to be cheated on and vice versa. 

I think romantic love in many ways mimics celestial love or the most primal love we're always looking for. It's not as simple as just two people liking each other. It won't fizzle otherwise. We don't wish to build castles on sand. We obviously want to build something solid, ever lasting and robust enough to sustain the ups and downs of life. This is where love is tested. 

Should I abandon the idea of romantic love? Absolutely not. 

For most it's an intimidating experience to navigate the romantic maze of life. I indeed agree wholeheartedly. I know how anxious this experience can be. People develop Codependencies, attachments and obsessions. It's all in this game. We create this game as much as the game creates us. And why not? Given the magnanimous scope of romantic attachment - mainly sexual reproduction and procreation - the single largest most valuable asset of mankind and that is the ability to have children and this is directly tied to survival. Something as valuable as survival had to be enormously complicated and cannot be equated to child's play. 

 

On 26/02/2024 at 5:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I had this very recent experience with a guy who was friends with me online. I found his lifestyle quite absurd and dangerously sexual. Granted that he is looking for some fun but that's not my idea of fun. He would approach women online and sexually avaliable women would want to engage with him. Sexual convos or sexting. Just like it's hard to find a well dressed celebrity, it's hard to find people online who are more interested in meaningful talk and less interested in horny sexual garbage. Just the cheaper kind of folks that make up the online stock. This guy felt like he was a kid in a candy store. He wanted all the girls he could get. You can't believe it, he built an online harem for himself. Comprised of these casual sex kinda girls. And he told me that he would put them on rotation. Nuts. Nuts. Nuts. His immaturity has no bounds. I was like - why the hell won't you get a girlfriend or a real relationship dude????? And he won't. He would use these women like booty calls. He would call them specifically whenever he was horny to have this sort of sexual orgy or sexual session and use these girls for masturbating. I found that weird to be honest. In my mind, where do you really go with that? How long till you reach a point where you begin to feel used up yourself? What's the fun in sexually objectifying people? Isn't one or two sexual encounters and experiences enough? You gotta be seriously delusional and immature if you think your early 20s should only be about sex sex sex sex sex sex sex......... It's absurd. He was almost using these girls like hooker service. I would laugh at him. I'm like dude calm the fuck down, chill. He was a horny toad. And I get that and I sympathize with that too. But you can't make a lifestyle out of something like that. It's delusional. That's the whole idea. The idea is that if you gonna be cheap with sex, sex is gonna be cheap with you. Your body, soul, spirit and heart and sex organs are meant to be tantric-ally aligned to be spiritually donated to someone who truly deserves all your emotional, sexual, physical investment. You don't just go around exchanging body fluids with everyone. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 26/02/2024 at 7:19 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

I feel like my ex judged me about a few things. I was unethical with them (don't wanna go into details). I have experienced excessive shame over months and months about the whole situation. I still love them and I guess somewhere deep down I still crave their validation. I know that I did this to myself. But still. I want to be liberated from the need to being or wanting validated. Their validation meant the world to me. Post the break up they blocked me permanently. I live  permanently in rejection mode. It feels like death sometimes. Yea rejection can feel like death. Such coldness. I know I was wrong. And I did wrong again. To be forgiven, accepted, understood, communicated to(rather than communicated at) and loved makes me feel so wholesome. How to deal with such coldness from my ex? 

 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 2:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Alpha

Beta 

Gamma 

Delta 

Epsilon 

Zeta

Eta 

Theta 

Iota

Kappa

Lambda 

Mu

Nu

Xi

Omicron 

Pi

Rho

Sigma

Tau

Upsilon

Phi

Chi

Psi

Omega 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 3:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Different components of celestial love - 

All the Greek alphabets.

The liberating component. The binding component. 

 

The mystical component. Theta. 

The core spiritual component. Alpha. 

Mental attachment component. This is a sub component of the mystical component. Zeta. 

Friendship component. Gamma

Family component. Beta. 

Savior component. Delta. 

Critical component. Kappa

 

 

 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 10:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll call it the Greek Alphabets package of Celestial Love. 

 

I'll include all kinds of emotions, vibes and sentiments and intelligence and art into this package. 

 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 1:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Rho - creativity and romanticism. 

Omicron  - 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 2:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Rho - creativity and romanticism. 

Omicron  - a building process. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 2:39 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Artistic and aesthetic appeal. 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 2:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Passion and enthusiasm. 

 

Happiness. Joy. Peace. 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 2:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

There's a social aspect to romantic love. 

The social aspect will be covered under Tau. 

And the logical aspect will be covered under Upsilon. 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 2:57 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Now there are some gore aspects to love as well. The darker aspects of love. Like obsessive desire, torture, torment,punishnemt. These are more of the theatrical aspects because in real life it would be quite difficult to actually embody these violent aspects.. It would be considered socially inappropriate. I'm always the one to push the envelope when it comes to exploration and experimentation. 

 

 

On 27/02/2024 at 5:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 27/02/2024 at 5:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 28/02/2024 at 5:35 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Soulmate Guy

Soulmate Girl

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 1:45 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Are relationships important to you? 

Yes. They are. They mean a lot to me. I'm a deeply emotional person. I'm a medium extrovert high introvert. I'm shy. I only have a relationship when I see I feel a click with that person. Chemistry, dynamic, connection, communication, vibe and emotional investment are important to me. I place value on intimacy and trust. 

 

What were your worst relationships? 

My first relationship ended in cheating and cheapness. My second and third relationships were the worst. Too much manipulation. Toxic dynamics. 

 

What was your best relationship? 

My last relationship was the best to a moderate degree. 

 

Do you believe in laundry lists? 

That's a superficial and cheap way of perceiving relationships. 

 

What did you learn from relationships? 

That men and women can't meet eye to eye. It's difficult because the emotional, sexual and mental planes are different for both. The way they both experience emotions is different and sometimes antithetical. The logic that men use for relationships is not always the same logic that women apply. Women can often seem illogical but there's a method to their madness. Men find it difficult to cope with her womanhood. They are not always ready to sway with her emotions. Men can feel quite stoic and have fixed goals that women don't understand. For women emotions matter. For men goals matter. 

 

Would you say a relationship is absolutely vital to life or living? 

Not at all. It shouldn't be treated that way or else it will take a life of its own. Relationships either degrade or enrich life yet they are not absolutely essential. In fact life can be quite easy without the extra burden of relationships. 

 

What is your idea of a beautiful ideal relationship? 

Where a couple are deeply emotionally invested and connected, enjoy a great chemistry and feel like they are true soulmates.

Is there something called couple goals? 

I don't believe in that stuff. 

 

What do you look for in a partner? 

Sincerity of emotion. Authenticity. Communication. Acceptance. Vulnerability. Transparency. Intimacy. Harmony. Affection. Gentleness. Understanding. Maturity. 

 

 

Is sex important in a relationship? 

It's not such a big deal. But it's made into one. It's overrated. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 5:25 AM, Buck Edwards said:

All I ever got was just judgement. 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 5:30 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel emotionally numb. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 5:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What's the next part in my journey? 

I think I have to learn how to let go. 

Second. Just talk to people who are willing to talk to me. 

Third.. Self focus strictly. 

 

 

 

 

 

Fourth - have your stuff scheduled 

 

Fifth - focus on energies. 

 

 

 

My main stuff is going to be energy work. Kundalini energy. Spiritual energy. Sexual energy. Tantric energy as well. 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 6:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The next leg of my journey will involve exploration of the word soulmate and the different energies that intertwine into it. 

The Greek Alphabets package. Each of these alphabets representing a different vibe, value on the soulmate index, creating a composite structure or matrix. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 6:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I think this is the last leg  of my spiritual journey. This is where it ends. It had to end at a soulmate. This is what I was looking for, not in a conventional sense but in a mind-ether-spiritual sense. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/02/2024 at 6:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

One should be forgiving towards incels. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 6:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

A soulmate is a complex thing and criterion. It has to deal with a lot of things. A lot of aspects. 

The soulmate energy is the main energy I'm looking for. 

I'll let this energy fuel me. Guide me. Steer me for the rest of my life. 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 0:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

At some point I want to do psychedelics on a daily basis.. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 0:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

All rainbow hearts for me. 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 0:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 1:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

... 

While physical touch is often an integral part of any relationship, for people who see this as their primary love language it is a powerful way to communicate. Showing love to your partner in this way can involve hugging, holding hands, giving a massage, kissing, and being sexually intimate.

 

Love is one of the deepest emotions you can experience as a human especially when that love is for another person. But giving and receiving love can be a complicated exchange, particularly if you and your partner have different ways of expressing love.

 

 

When you or your partner's emotional need for love is not met, you may experience more conflict, withdraw romantically, and even fall out of love. If the need is met, you are both better equipped to deal with differences as well as feel loved and fulfilled.

 

 

Not only can regularly talking keep your emotional need for love met, but it also can build intimacy in your relationship because you are learning to communicate better and connect in more significant ways.

 

I would consider regularly talking as one of the most important things to do in a soulmate connection. You discover a little something new everyday. 

 

 

 

 

 

When implementing the love languages concept in your relationship, it requires you to stop and consider the needs of your partner first. To do this, you have to learn to manage your emotions and feelings, managing your emotions and feelings on a regular basis can help you improve your self-regulation skills. In the end, you also may find that you are happier and have more relationship satisfaction.

Just the fact that your soulmate is prioritizing your needs can be such a big boost. 

 

 

 

Anytime you want to try to understand where your partner is coming from, doing so with empathy can help. Using the five love languages is no different. You need to use both emotional empathy (concern) and cognitive empathy (perspective taking) to fully understand what your partner needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 1:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Some basic questions 

 

Is your physical health adding to or detracting from your quality of life?

How do certain food choices affect your mood and energy levels?

How satisfied are you with your sleep quantity and quality?

How often do you move your body? 

 

 

 

Are you satisfied with how you manage your emotions and moods?

Are you living in the present or do you find yourself in a cycle of distraction?

Are you optimistic about the future?

Do you feel that you are resilient when faced with life stressors?

 

 

 

 

Do you have someone to talk to about your struggles?

How confident are you when you meet new people?

Do you feel like you have good communication with your significant other/friends/family?

 

 

 

Spirituality/religion/personal beliefs

Is religion/spirituality important to you?

Do you have individuals with whom you can discuss your personal beliefs?

Is spirituality a source of confusion for you?

Is the media you consume helping you grow as a person?

 

 

Are you quick to give unsolicited advice? Do you voice strong opinions or judgments? Do you tend to steer conversations to center on you? Do you relentlessly try to top other people’s stories? Do you habitually interrupt others, giving them the impression that you aren’t really interested in what they’re trying to say? Do you tend to condescend or minimize others' pain or achievements? You may have the best intentions and a caring heart, but if your communication style is off-putting, you may find yourself feeling disliked.

 

You might not have noticed lol. But it's time to take notice of little things that you (me) might be doing that is thwarting someone's growth. 

 

 

Do you engage in constant bragging about the highlights of your life without any responses to the posts of others? Do you post constantly about the minute details of your life? Do you criticize family members or former friends or ex-lovers bitterly in your posts? Some potential friends may keep their distance, fearing that someday, they might be fodder for a social media rant or that knowing you better could be.... even more boring than the details of your daily meals. If you fear social media may be coming between you and your friends or potential friends, maybe think twice about bombarding readers with too many details or too much negativity. Congratulate others. Post a tribute to a special friend or someone you know who has had a major achievement or reached a milestone. Use social media for connection, not vindication.

 

 

I don't wanna be a people pleaser. 

We’re all busy, but there are priorities we can choose. Always making work your primary concern can signal to others that you’re not available for close friendships or willing to nurture a friend in need. Connecting with others means showing up in their lives, in good times and devastating times, and simply being there as a caring presence. That can mean more than anything you could say.

 

And I suck at being available. 

 

 

You don’t have to twist yourself into an ultimate people pleaser to be liked. Quite the contrary. Work on liking who you are and trust that others... not everyone, but some special people.. will come to like who you are, too.

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 2:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Positive affirmations 

My soulmate is a sweet person. 

My soulmate energy is encouraging and sweet. 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 2:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How to embody and exude soulmate energy. 

 

I'll also call this energy Kundalini energy because it's so powerful. It fills your body with love and tenderness and a passion that has no match. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 2:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Currently I don't have a soulmate and I'll never look for a relationship. It's not my cup of tea. I want to live alone and I'm fine but I need soulmate kundalini energy. 

 

 

          

 

On 29/02/2024 at 2:51 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have had a mega crazy life up until now. But from now on I want to have a peaceful spiritual life and I need to be sowing the seeds for that.. 

 

I'll use kundalini energy to achieve this. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/02/2024 at 3:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Dependency is a killer. It kills. I have boatloads of Codependency in me. Being dominated felt good. The dependency could go on. 

But no. It causes depression. It brings in an anxious feeling. 

 

Being dependent on validation means when you don't get it, you feel down in the dumps. You feel like you can never get up. You feel that anxiety like a knot. You feel an inner strife. At the end of the day everyone wants to feel productive. Everyone wants to feel sufficiently validated. 

But not the simple praise kind of validation. That's stupid. It's addictive and after a while it turns into flattery and has little effect. 

 

True validation comes from breaking a sweat. It needs courage, belief and patience. 

Look at it this way. If you can feel anxious in the moment right now, there can also be a way to feel the opposite of anxiety.. You can choose to feel spirited. Active. Energized. Positive. 

 

But validation is important. The only difference is that it shouldn't be fake. It should be solid grounded validation. Such validation can only come from a very strong source. Someone who will implicitly believe in your ability. Someone who doesn't consider you a burden. 

In fact fake validation is what is truly toxic. Because it's rooted in empty appreciation. Real appreciation comes from the bottom of the heart. 

What's the difference between true validation and fake validation? 

Fake validation is like dust. It's blown away with the wind. Today it exists and makes you feel better and tomorrow it's gone. True validation is like a faithful dog. They always stay with you and by you. A person who genuinely appreciates you will not suddenly find ways to put you down. They won't give a pink slip or closing notice. They will show firmness of presence. They will be with you year after year. They will stick through thick and thin, because they are abundantly abundant and aren't afraid to have faith in you. They don't let insecurities take over. They won't let you fall. Because they wanna be there. They wanna see your growth. They keep tremendous patience burning in them always knowing deep down that no matter what you're worth every penny they bet on you. 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 3:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Actually being dependent on validation is not the problem. Being dependent on fake validation is the real problem. It's like your diet is full of special foods with no nutrients but it boasts of nutrition packed stuff. Eating such food is only partially fulfilling and whatever good effects you get are actually because of placebo. Whereas eating organic food that is promoted less yet contains more is going to make an automatic difference. 

 

What I mean is this. When you eat true good food, you automatically notice difference in your energy levels, right??? 

Same way. When you receive true appreciation and validation, you will feel the difference. You'll feel upbeat. As though you're valued. You will not need to question it. You won't be skipping on the benefits, you'll quickly notice the euphoria and the contentment. You will have a blissful state of awareness. Peak strength. Peak state. Kundalini state I guess. 

When someone genuinely validates you, they will give you honest feedback. They will not throw empty pointless compliments at you. They will not say "hey you're awesome." They will tell you in great depth the things they truly appreciate about you. Maybe you have flaws and they won't be afraid to call you (me) out on your bullshit but they will not fail to acknowledge the potential they see in you. They will give you hope, not despair. They will give you a leg up. They won't push you down. And they won't hold back. That's abundance. Their generosity will show. They know that if something benefits you, they are there for you, they won't hold it back from you. Neither will they be scared of you. They won't consider it ego stroking. Because they have faith in you. And of course their praise is legitimate. They want to legitimately compliment you. Not for courtesy sake. They will give oodles of reasons and specific pointers as to why they validate, value and appreciate and respect your presence. Now that's true validation and it can be very uplifting. 

 

 

 

True heart of validation.. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/02/2024 at 4:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I now realize that I depend excessively on validation. And this dependency causes me to cower in fear and shame whenever I'm met with judgement. If I cut the dependency I won't need to worry about judgement. 

I also see some dependency on sex or sexual thoughts. 

 

As though sex is going to magically make me feel better or validate my existence. Because sex makes you(me) feel wanted. 

For a long time I saw sex as a fuel. Although the power of sex is not deniable, I have seen how my own sexual thoughts can make me feel super validated on days when I'm down. Just knowing that the opposite sex wants you badly in bed can make wonders to how you feel inside. It fueled my fantasies. Rather wild fantasies. And when I was done masturbating to those fantasies I felt oodles of energy and joy bursting inside me because there I was in fantasy land, being wanted, feasted on and consumed by the opposite sex. It felt like a huge relief. Every time the masturbation felt like a huge release. As though I ate a big fat meal. Just wanting to be consumed. To be wanted. To be desired. To be held. It meant I had some value. My body was desired. My face was wanted. My heart was belonged. As though someone wanted to sleep with me. Then I must be someone's desire. I must mean something to them. The fact they want to possess me. The fact they wanna get laid with me. That feeling, the raw tactical touch of human skin. It made me feel mad with joy. There is a unique happiness even when someone is simply enacting sex with you. It is still hopelessly validating. It's not about pleasure. Pleasure can be attained by jerking off, no big deal there. It's about touch and intimacy. The wanting, chemistry, sexual tension and the deep physical affection, the bonding. The exhaustion post sexual activity. All of that is a good experience. Although I admit it can be quite exhausting. But once you have it done, then you feel loved, valued, fucked, and yes deeply appreciated.... Why else would someone sleep with you if not for nothing? It's bonding time. It's what makes me feel possessed and warm. Wanted. Oxytocin release. Then it's like your body is automatically feeling like a new born baby. All pampered. I admit that sex releases a huge amount of feminine energy in both men and women. The bonding creates the feminine energy. It makes you soft. It increases the molecules of affection in the brain. It makes you feel deserving and nurtured. 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 4:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Sexual wellness products industry is a billion dollar industry now. Although I think  it is a scam. 

Came across this video from the yoga institute on sexual wellness.

I came across some Ayurveda videos on sexual wellness. 

Pigeon pose lol. 

 

This Ayurveda dude is funny. The way he explains sex. Lmao. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 4:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What's sexual wellness exactly? 

I think If you got a healthy sex drive that's just more than enough. 

I thought of sex as something I would use for validation. To amp up my self confidence. 

And soon enough it became a drug. My horniness skyrocketed. I was horny all day long. 

Then I began to control all that unnecessary energy. It has a high and a low followed by extreme exhaustion. It felt good. Like a tremendous boost to my self confidence. I felt like an animal in heat. 

Then it got addictive. I couldn't feel normal without that validation. I had to feel horny and amped up to feel good inside. To feel desired. To feel relaxed. 

I had to get off that curve for good. I don't deny sexual energy. But it's only enough when you truly meaningfully want to engage it. I can say confidently that sexual energy does work though as evidenced by numerous experiments I did in that department (with myself of course). 

There's a point beyond which it needs to be flattened and balanced out. It does serve a purpose. Of making you feel enormously better when you're down. It generates euphoric energy. It generates critical energy too. This is due to the inherent tension or chasm. You feel that kundalini when you reach peak sexual point, sort of mixing of feminine and masculine and a volatile fusion of both. 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 5:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How to know when to stop? 

Sexual energy is like dopamine. It takes on a  life of its own. If not managed or disciplined, this kundalini can go out of control into the hell fire of hedonism. 

You gotta stop or leave gaps in between. Short gaps. Long gaps. Anything. Hose it down. The key is to detect the desperation for it. If there's desperate horniness it's time to stop. Let the horniness be organic. It will come on when it has to. It doesn't have to keep lingering. 

Think of horniness as some perfume or cologne you put on. If you put on too much, you automatically get sick of smelling it all day. If you don't put on at all, you feel eager to spray some. 

When you are constantly horny, you're really overdoing it. When you hose it down and pull back, you are naturally organically craving a bit like a special hour. Those times your sexual energy is peak point, your kundalini is balanced, the sacral Chakra energy I mean, and your mind is producing the most normal innocent porn. It also doesn't drag on too much. It's over quickly. There's some romance and that's it. When it begins to feel like a drag, that's the right time to put on the brakes. Post nut clarity sort of a thing. 

I guess you allow that kundalini to keep depleting. And it's getting stale. And you keep pumping even through this stale energy. It's like eating a stale breakfast and trying to make the most of it. 

But let the kundalini fill up again. Let the barrel be restored. Now use this fresh kundalini for sexual energy. Now you're having a fresh breakfast. How does this work? 

Your fresh kundalini is like fresh timber. Fresh fuel. Think of Kundalini as a fire accelerant. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/02/2024 at 5:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

How to know when to stop? 

Sexual energy is like dopamine. It takes on a  life of its own. If not managed or disciplined, this kundalini can go out of control into the hell fire of hedonism. 

You gotta stop or leave gaps in between. Short gaps. Long gaps. Anything. Hose it down. The key is to detect the desperation for it. If there's desperate horniness it's time to stop. Let the horniness be organic. It will come on when it has to. It doesn't have to keep lingering. 

Think of horniness as some perfume or cologne you put on. If you put on too much, you automatically get sick of smelling it all day. If you don't put on at all, you feel eager to spray some. 

When you are constantly horny, you're really overdoing it. When you hose it down and pull back, you are naturally organically craving a bit like a special hour. Those times your sexual energy is peak point, your kundalini is balanced, the sacral Chakra energy I mean, and your mind is producing the most normal innocent porn. It also doesn't drag on too much. It's over quickly. There's some romance and that's it. When it begins to feel like a drag, that's the right time to put on the brakes. Post nut clarity sort of a thing. 

I guess you allow that kundalini to keep depleting. And it's getting stale. And you keep pumping even through this stale energy. It's like eating a stale breakfast and trying to make the most of it. 

But let the kundalini fill up again. Let the barrel be restored. Now use this fresh kundalini for sexual energy. Now you're having a fresh breakfast. How does this work? 

Your fresh kundalini is like fresh timber. Fresh fuel. Think of Kundalini as a fire accelerant. 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 5:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Your fresh kundalini is like fresh timber. Fresh fuel. Think of Kundalini as a fire accelerant. 

 

Continuing with this. Think of kundalini as a fire accelerant. What happens when you don't use one. It takes time for fire to start and spread.. Sometimes you don't even achieve ignition. That's exactly the kind of daft energy you're working with when you are engaging stale sexual energy to kickstart your masturbating or horny times. You are literally dragging, not running, not exploding. Working with a wet matchbox. With wet wood. Trying to start a fire in a storm, rather unsuccessfully and it is constantly being put out by the strong gust of wind. And with wet wood, your chances of a strong flame are next to nil. But if there was sufficient oxygen with fresh and dry firewood, hay and campfire accelerants, you get to generate intense flames. The heat is exponential. Now it's worth basking in it's warmth. The fire spreads quickly and lasts longer. 

Same way. When you are pumped up with kundalini, your sexual energy is innocent and revved up, ready to roar. You experience a burst of sexual attraction and hunger. Your energy reaches peak point and your cumming is non stop followed by a huge bout of oxytocin and release of endorphins. The end result is solid gratification. Mental and otherwise. Post masturbation you feel mentally much more balanced and calm and regression of negative energies. Euphoria and an injection of masculine drive. There's transference of masculine energy in this process. Not just sperm. There is release of feminine energy like being surrounded by water and transference of masculine energy like a lightning bolt. The feminine energy is calm and increases intuition and emotional intelligence. Whereas the masculine energy increases drive, confidence and strength to push forward. This causes the production of karmic energy. The energy that is used to fuel inner instincts, both masculine and feminine. Kundalini is upgraded during the process. 

During each of these processes, kundalini gets upgraded. Because Kundalini is the energy of fusion and every time the fusion happens, the kundalini is solidified to the next iteration and the next and so on. 

Basically kundalini solidifies and crystalizes. At every iteration.. Getting thicker and thicker. Bolder. Better. Karmic energy stronger every time this happens. 

Then when kundalini rises, there will be massive explosion. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 6:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Think of kundalini as two snakes. Snakes are called nagas in Hinduism. 

 

 

The closest I came to kundalini experience was the experience of two snakes.

A feminine snake and a masculine snake. And the explosive fusion of these two snakes while spiraling upwards through the Chakras. 

 

 

Kundalini rising through the Chakras. 

Both energies complimenting each other perfectly as they rise through the Chakras and eventually get solidified as they reach their peak.

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 8:03 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Basic senses. 

basic human senses: touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste

I think many more senses need to be added to this list. 

I'll say - sexual sense. Soulmate vibration. 

I'll say - lower vibrational energy. Higher vibrational energy. 

Intuitive sense. 

Emotional sense 

Cognitive sense. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 8:22 PM, Buck Edwards said:

What's on my spiritual project radar currently? 

Lot of things. 

Link between sex and spirituality. 

Tantric sex. 

Energy and vibration work. 

Chakra work. 

Yoga. Basics. 

Exploring religions. 

Soulmate Energy and using it in life. 

 

 

 

Much of my work for the rest of my life henceforth will focus on energy and vibration work. Also sensory work. 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 8:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Also I wanna do psychedelics and improve my focus entirely in the spiritual domain. Something I have been doing for years now. Since the age of 9.

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 9:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to be a permanent Shiva worshippper. I'm so excited. 

 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 9:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

     Shiva is my Soulmate     

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/02/2024 at 9:17 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Shiva is my Soulmate 

I was anxious the whole time and I was just listening to this Shiva song. Amazing. It relieved my anxiety. 

 

 

On 29/02/2024 at 9:36 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

Meaning of the mantra song Har Har Har Shambhu Shiv Mahadeva 

 

 

Lyrics of the mantra song Har Har Shambhu Shiv Mahadeva. 

This whole mantra song is a compilation of Shiva Strotams. 

 

Main verse

Har-Har Shambhu (Shambhu), Shambhu
(Shambhu), Shiva Mahadeva Shambhu
(Shambhu), Shambhu (Shambhu), Shiva
Mahadeva Har-Har Shambhu (Shambhu),
Shambhu (Shambhu), Shiva Mahadeva
Shambhu (Shambhu), Shambhu
(Shambhu).  Shiva Mahadeva

Meaning of main verse - 

Har Har is a salutation like "Hail."

Shambhu and Mahadeva are alternate names of Lord Shiva. 

Verse 1

Karpura Gauram Karunavataram Sansarsaram Bhujagendraharam
Karpura Gauram Karunavataram Sansarsaram Bhujagendraharam

Meaning of the verse 1 - 

White As Camphor, Incarnation Of Compassion, The Essence Of The World, The Necklace Of The Lord Of Serpents.
White As Camphor, Incarnation Of Compassion, The Essence Of The World, The one who wears the snake as a necklace. (the snake necklace is called vasuki). 

Karpura gauram– The divine one, who is white as Camphor / pure as camphor. 
Karpura/Karpur is camphor. Lord Shiva is described as "white as camphor" which is implied as "as white as snow/camphor, as pure as snow," white denoting purity. 

karunavataram– who is an embodiment of solicitude and compassion

sansarsaram– The true spirit of the universe

bhujagendraharam– The one who draped the serpent around his neck, the one who wears the snake (as a) necklace. 

Meaning of the verse 1

Oh Shiva, you're divine, White as camphor. You're the incarnation of compassion. You're the essence of the world, the ruler of the world. You're the one who wears a snake as a necklace. 

Verse 2

Sadavasantham Hridayaravinde Bhavam Bhavanisahitam Namami
Sadavasantham Hridayaravinde Bhavam Bhavanisahitam Namami

Meaning of verse 2 - 

You (Shiva) are the one who always resides in the lotus of my heart. 
I bow to you my lord Shiva and your wife Bhavani (reference to Paravati wife of Shiva) 

Sadavasantam : Always residing. Hridaya arvinde: In the lotus of the heart. Bhavam Bhavani: Oh Lord and Goddess (Sati: wife of Shiva) Sahitam Namami: I bow to you both.

Context - Who is Goddess Bhavani?

She is an aspect of Parvati the wife of Shiva, and she is considered to be a mother, who provides well for her devotees as well as playing the role of dispensing justice by killing Asuras or demons. 

sadavasantam hridayaravinde– one who resides in the heart that is pure as lotus (though lotus is born in mud, it stays untouched by the mud). In the heart that is untouched by worldly matters.

bhavam bhavanisahitam namami– I bow to Lord Shiva and his companion/consort Goddess Bhavani (Goddess Parvati’s form).

Meaning of complete verse 1 and 2 - 

Lord Shiva, who dwells in my heart along with Mata(mother) Bhawani, one who is white as camphor, one who is the manifestation of compassion, one who is the essence of the universe, and who wears the king of the snakes (Vasuki) as his necklace, I bow down to you.

Verse 3

Saananda Maananda Dhabane Vasantham Ananda Kandam Hrita Paapa Brindam
Saananda Maananda Dhabane Vasantham Ananda Kandam Hrita Paapa Brindam

 Meaning of verse 3 - 

Sananda Maananda Dhabane - in the 
Sananda Maananda Dhabane Vasantham - bliss and joy in the spring of the forest

Ananda Kandam - the stalk (the stalk of a flower) 

Hrita Paapa Brindam - you're the ultimate destroyer of a host of sins

The joyful tuber growing in the forest of joyful joy

Lord Shankar(Shankar is another name for Shiva), who resides blissfully in the region of Anandavan (Anandavan is in Kashi, a holy place)  who is the source and root cause of bliss, and who is the destroyer of sins. 

 I go to the shelter of  Shri Vishwanath, the lord of Kashi  the lord of such orphans. The lord of Kashi is Shiva. Shri Viswanath is Shiva. 

You're the joyful tuber growing  in the forest 

Meaning of - 

Sananda Maananda Dhabane Basantam Ananda Kandam

You're the joyful tuber growing  in the forest 
You're the joy in the spring 

Hrita Paapa Brindam - you're the ultimate destroyer of a host of sins

Meaning and context - 

Sananda Maananda - bliss joy 

Dhabane Vasantham - forest and spring 
Vasantham - spring 

Ananda - joy
Kandam - stalk of a flower 

Brindam - a host or collection 

Hrita - the ultimate, the king

Paapa - sin/sins 

Meaning of the verse 3 - 

Meaning of the verse 3 - 

Shiva, 
You're the joyful tuber growing  in the forest 
You're the joy in the spring. 
You're the stalk or the source of bliss. 
you're the ultimate destroyer of a host of sins

Verse 4

Varanashi Naatham Mu-m Mu-m Natham                            Shri  Viswanatham Saranam Prapadye
Varanashi Naatham Mu-m Mu-m Natham                             Shri Viswanatham Saranam Prapadye

Meaning of the verse 4 - 

I Take Refuge In The Lord Of Varanasi, Sri Vishwanath(another name of Shiva) 
The Lord Of The Orphans, The Lord Of The Universe

Context - Varansi is a holy place of pilgrimage for Lord Shiva. He is the savior. He is the lord of the orphans. He is the lord of the universe. 
saranam prapadye—I take shelter of. 
Meaning of Saranam or Sharanam - take shelter or refuge under someone's wings. 
Meaning of prapadye - to surrender. 

I take refuge in Varanasinath, the lord of the orphan, Sri Vishwanath. Har-Har Shambhu
(Shambhu).
Nath means lord/savior/master. Varanasinath means the lord  of Varanasi(in the region of Anandavan, Kashi) and that lord is Shiva. 

Meaning and context of verse 4 - 
You're the lord of Varanasi. You're the lord of Kashi (Kashi is another holy land like Varanasi). You're the lord of orphans. You're the Vishwanath, the lord of the world. (Vishwa meaning world and Nath meaning lord). 

(Mu-m Mu-m added as a sound for poetic effect and rhyme.) 

 

Verse 5

Avantikayam Vihitavatarang Muktipradanaya                     Cha Sajjannaam
Avantikayam Vihitavatarang Muktipradanaya                      Cha Sajjannaam

 

Verse 6

Akaalmrityu Parirakshanartham                                          Vande Mahakaalam Mahasuresham
Akaalmrityu Parirakshanartham          
Vande Mahakaalam Mahasuresham

(verse 5 taken from Shiv Mantra Avankiyaan) 

 

Meaning  of both verses - 

Lord Shankar(another name for Shiva), who has incarnated in Avantikapuri Ujjain to provide salvation to the sages, I bow to Mahadev ji, who is also known as Mahakal, the God of those gods to save them from untimely death.)

Abantikayam Vihitavatarang-
Incaranated form in Avantikapuri (Avantikapuri an ancient place in the holy city of Ujjain in the central state of  Madhya Pradesh where Lord Shiva is called Mahakal/Mahadev

Maha - big, great, glorious 
Dev - God
Kal/Kaal - Time 
Kaala - black 
Mahadev - the one who is a great God
Mahakal - the one who can control time and is timeless himself. 

Muktipradanaya - the one who liberates 

Cha Sajjannaam - the sages 

Akaalmrityu - premature death 
Akaal - premature, mrityu - death 

Parirakshanrtham - the protector and preventer 

Vande - a sanskrit salute similar to "Hail", "Shri/Shree", "Jai", "Jai Shree" 

Mahakaalam - Sanskrit for Mahakal or Shiva

Vande Mahakaalam - sanskrit version of the phrase "Jai Shri Mahakal" 

Mahasuresham - the ultimate God of all Gods or suras. Gods were called suras in Sanskrit. 

Context - 

Avanti/Avantika actually means  Ujjain. Because Ujjain was previously known as Avanti or Avantikapuri. Avanti also means modest in Sanskrit. Lord Shiva incarnated as Mahakal in the city of Avanti now called Ujjain. And provided liberation and Moksha to the saints and sages in that region. They were about to die. Shiva as Mahakal protected them from premature death. 

Verse 7

Nagendra Haraya Trilochanaya, Basmanga Ragaya Maheswaraya
Nagendra Haraya Trilochanaya, Basmanga Ragaya Maheswaraya

Verse 8

Nithyaya Shudhaya Digambaraya, Tasmai ‘Na’karaya Namahshivaya
Nithyaya Shudhaya Digambaraya, Tasmai ‘Na’karaya Namahshivaya

(verse 7 and 8 taken from Shiva Panchakshara Stotram) 

 

Meaning of verse 7 and 8-

 

The one who wears a snake as a necklace, he is also the three-eyed God. (3 eyes means 2 eyes and third eye which is the portal to wisdom and psychic powers.) He is none other than Shiva. 

The one who applies holy ash all over his body, the greatest god (Maheshwara). He is none other than Shiva. 

The one who is eternal. He is none other than Shiva. 

The one who is pure. He is none other than Shiva. 

Who only  wears directions as his clothes (Digambara). He is none other than Shiva. 

Salutations to Lord Shiva who is represented by syllable NA in Namah Shivaya. I salute you Shiva in reverence. 

Nagendra - seshnag, king of the serpents. 
Seshnag/Sheshnag is a snake from folklore with multiple heads. 

Haraya - the necklace 

Trilochanaya - the one who has three eyes (two eyes and the third eye considered the eye of wisdom) 

Basmanga - bhasma or ash 

Ragaya - the one who rubs 

Maheswaraya - the one who rubs ashes all over his body. This ash is holy ash. 

Nithyaya - the one who is eternal

Shudhaya - the one who is the purest cleanest 

Digambaraya - Who is pure, forever, and wears directions as his clothes 

Tasmai - unto him

Na’karaya - this can have two meanings. 
First  - who is represented by syllable NA in Namah Shivaya
Second - the one whose form is shapeless

Namashivaya - I salute you Shiva 

This salutation to Shiva has 5 letters of the 5 elements. 
In Sanskrit these five letters correspond to these 5 elements 

Na - earth
Ma - water
Shi - fire
Va-  air
Ya - ether 

Meaning of complete verse 7 and 8-

The one who has snakes acting as his ornaments, the three-eyed god

The one who applies holy ash all over his body, the greatest god (Maheshwara)

Who is pure, forever, and wears directions as his clothes (Digambara)

Salutations to Lord Shiva who is represented by syllable NA in Namah Shivaya

Who is forever,
Who is the cleanest,
And who wears the directions themselves as dress. He is Shiva. 

 

End 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 29/02/2024 at 11:42 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm collecting Shiva mantras. Some of them are tough to understand even after translation. 

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 1:36 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

https://www.youtube.com/live/Pk1on_djubs?si=AwYICfYdEm6YU4SY

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 1:42 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have a ton of trauma from childhood. My father was a saint. My mom was a.. Whatever. 

I grew up not realizing how to feel socially okay. Then I was judged brutally by my exes. 

People always called me a moral high horse. Actually it's the opposite. I don't have strong morals. And I'm okay with that too. 

I don't want socially coded morals, because I don't believe in society. 

I want my own morals. 

For me morals should be consistent with spirituality. 

If you can't be a spiritual you can't be moral. 

 

Religion does not precede morality. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 2:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

I went through Insanity for 20 days in 2022. 

What did it feel like? 

Wasn't able to sleep 

Wasn't able to focus 

Zero self awareness 

Not able to distinguish between right or wrong 

Not acting socially appropriate 

Wasn't able to tell where the bathroom was 

Feeling unbalanced 

Lot of aggression 

No ability to think straight or logical 

 

I had to drink and experiment with substances to begin to feel normal again. 

 

 

 

Also it felt like I was having a spiritual awakening. How do you differentiate an Insanity phase from a real spiritual awakening? Are they different and in what way? 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 4:13 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Shiva is my Soulmate. 

 

 

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 4:18 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 4:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Nice Shiva Mantra 

 

Karacharana Krtam Vaakkaayajam Karmajam Vaa,

Shravananayanajam Vaa Maanasam Vaaparaadham,

Vihitamavihitam Vaa Sarvametatkshamasva,

Jaya Jaya Karunaabdhe Shri Mahaadeva Shambho

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 01/03/2024 at 5:15 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Sloka ' Karacharana Krtam Vaakkaayajam Karmajam Vaa ' with meaning

Karacharana Krtam Vaakkaayajam Karmajam Vaa is a famous Sloka or actually a prayer for forgiveness to bhagwan Mahadev Shambhu ie god Shiva. This bedtime Sloka is a prayer to God Shiva asking him to excuse our mistakes and maintain his mercy on us. Lord Shiva is known as the lord of Mercy and Compassion.

Karacharana Krtam Vaakkaayajam Karmajam Vaa,

Shravananayanajam Vaa Maanasam Vaaparaadham,

Vihitamavihitam Vaa Sarvametatkshamasva,

Jaya Jaya Karunaabdhe Shri Mahaadeva Shambho

करचरण कृतं वाक्कायजं कर्मजं वा ।
श्रवणनयनजं वा मानसं वापराधं ।
विहितमविहितं वा सर्वमेतत्क्षमस्व ।
जय जय करुणाब्धे श्रीमहादेव शम्भो ॥

Meaning: "O God, kindly pardon my incorrect actions done consciously or unconsciously, either through my organs of action (hand, feet, and speech) or through my organs of perception (eyes, ears) or by my mind. I adore the God, who is the ocean of kindness".

By God's grace, we have completed one more day of our life. So, in order to thank god and to ask for his mercy, one can recite this Sloka. This bedtime Sloka is a prayer to God asking him to excuse our mistakes and maintain his mercy on us.

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Shiva Shakti Stuti. 

 

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:43 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Finally Shiva Stuti Strotam. Karacharana Kritam Vaa. 

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Another mantra. 

I love listening to this one. 

Buddham Sharanam Gachchami! 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 01/03/2024 at 6:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Sounds of Isha. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 6:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

 

Interpretation of the Shiva Strotam mantra karacharana kritam Vaa. 

 

Karacharana Kritam Vaakkaayajam Karmajam Vaa,

Shravananayanajam Vaa Maanasam Vaaparaadham,

Vihitamavihitam Vaa Sarvametatkshamasva,

Jaya Jaya Karunaabdhe Shri Mahaadeva Shambho

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 8:00 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Love this. 

I might have heard this before. 

This can be my perfect morning song. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 2:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This sounds in this song make me feel spiritually liberated. It's so powerful. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 3:26 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This sounds in this song make me feel spiritually liberated. It's so powerful. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 3:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I wrote a poem on Shiva and Rama. 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile they showed me dreams of a lifetime. 

They smiled at me and made me their own. 

They have so easily managed to calm down these blowing winds. 

Ohhhhh. Please hear me Rama. Please hear me Shiva.. I want to pour my heart out once. Once. Once. 

 

Verse 1

It was raining and they made me hear a beautiful song. 

And with their air of love, they have destroyed my sorrow. 

They appeared in sweet dreams and made me their own. 

Ohhhhh. Please hear me Rama. Please hear me Shiva.. I want to pour my heart out once. Once. Once. 

 

Verse 2

They flipped the sun burned pages of a book. 

There's a dried rose in it and it reminds me of them. 

Ohhhhh. Please hear me Rama. Please hear me Shiva.. I want to pour my heart out once. Once. Once. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

On 01/03/2024 at 4:36 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I want to wear a bright orange shirt and dance to this. This on loop is just heaven. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This is so peaceful. 

https://youtu.be/NR-24oK4xsA?si=ywB8-9KB4CLfJixx

 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Currently listening to this. Gave it a million hearts. 

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:11 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Oh wow. 

Me wanna be there.

 

 

On 01/03/2024 at 5:16 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm going crazy. This is too good. 

 

Gam Ganapataye Namo Namah!!!