Choosing between unfamiliar heaven vs a familiar hell

[Hibahere]

Hi forum!

I am stuck in a limbo where I feel comfortably numb, yet not numb enough to complain about it. Let me share a little backstory.. My life includes practices revolving around spirituality, as well as meditation and prayer. I am not a highly religious person; rather, I lean more toward spirituality. I have experienced some minor awakenings here and there, most of which have arisen from my curiosity and the inherent drive within me to explore what lies beyond this life and the deeper meanings of things.

Basically, I have never been a hardworking person, even though I know I am destined for something great. I often fall victim to bursts of laziness, during which I don't feel like doing anything, despite my mind constantly bubbling with intellectual ideas. I am a very intellectual and logical person—an INTP—but the funny thing is that I feel emotions a bit too deeply. I can pick up on the energies around me in every situation. Recently, however, I have become a bit too comfortable with how things are in my life.

I was extremely lazy, falling into bad habits like eating junk food, sleeping late, and neglecting my spiritual practices. I would sit around, daydreaming and indulging in things harmful to my mental, spiritual, and physical health. I often clung to people, seeking attachment just to fill a void. However, something shifted within me, and I began making genuine changes in my life. After graduating, I have time before starting my master’s in February to improve my routine and focus on my spirituality. I’ve replaced cheap dopamine with healthier habits—meditation, fixing my sleep schedule, taking vitamins, and getting sunlight. Since implementing these changes, I've become much more sober, feeling a comfortable numbness.

Recently, I’ve experienced a drastic shift in my perspective and self-love, which has changed my understanding of myself. I understand myself deeply. I feel different internally and am still accepting these changes. I have dreams and goals, including the desire to marry in the next three to four years. Instead of seeking love, I’ve prioritized my self-love, realizing I no longer need someone to fill the void. I want to make a significant impact in life, but I deeply yearn for love. However, since my transformation, I’ve lost the spark I used to feel when thinking about finding the right connection. While some might view this as positive, I worry it may hinder my ability to attract good things into my life. I feel strange and different, and I'm unsure how to accept this change and continue making positive progress.

I used to react differently and think differently just a few months ago... it feels like my neurons have shifted lol. I don't feel emotional intensity like I used to, I don't think of myself the same way as I used to, I feel much more in control... however, doubts still creep up, and sometimes I think this could just be suppression or something bad.

Any advice would be helpful.

**Summary: I experienced a period of laziness and unhealthy habits, neglecting my spiritual practices and clinging to relationships to fill a void. Recently, I shifted my focus, making genuine changes like meditating, improving my sleep schedule, and nurturing my self-love. This transformation has altered my perspective on life, and I feel different inside. While I aspire to make a significant impact and eventually marry, I’ve lost the spark in thinking about finding the right connection, which leaves me feeling uncertain about attracting love and good things into my life.

 

Edited October 23 by Hibahere