Repeated Drug Use Straining Relationship: Girlfriend's Ultimatum

[Psychonaut]

I'm in a relationship with a woman training to be a Geistheiler (spiritual healer). Recently, I've jeopardized our relationship due to my drug use and dishonesty.

I told my girlfriend about ordering 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT. She was upset and didn't want me to take them, but initially seemed okay with it. However, things escalated:

1. During a call with her, I took 5-MeO-DMT and told her about it while on the phone. I had a rough trip, and she tried to help by sending me love and attempting to summon angels. This experience was difficult for both of us.

2. Another time, I took 5-MeO-MALT at home without informing her beforehand. When she asked later if I had taken anything, I admitted to it. This upset her greatly, as she felt I had betrayed her trust again.

She now wants me to tell her before I take anything, but I've broken her trust twice. She's given me an ultimatum: if I continue using drugs like this, our relationship is over.

The sexual connection in our relationship is incredibly strong - it's otherworldly and addictive. Honestly, it's the main reason I'm interested in staying.

I have a history of communication problems and drug use in relationships. I often freeze up during arguments, leading to emotional reactions and a desire to escape.

I'm torn between my desire to continue exploring with substances and maintaining this relationship. Should I break up with her or try to make it work?

Any insights or advice would be appreciated, especially regarding:

1. The ethics of staying in a relationship primarily for sex

2. Balancing drug use with relationship commitments

3. Rebuilding trust and improving communication

4. Identifying problematic patterns in my approach to relationships

[NoSelfSelf]

You cant do nothing if you dishonest always lead with honesty.

[Buck Edwards]

Break up with her. Because she doesn't respect your needs for Psychedelics.. 

 

I remember my ex. Same situation. He was into psychedelics and I wasn't ready at the time. I didn't forbid him though. Yet he did not appreciate that I wasn't taking psychedelics. So he broke up with me. It's not like I would have told him not to do it. But he expected a bit more open mindedness out of me. 

Anyway the best thing is to break up because there's no compatibility. 

[Lyubov]

You have a really people pleasing attitude towards this. It’s not her right to tell you what to do but also at the same time honest communication is key and she may not want to be in a relationship with someone who uses these substances. I don’t like girls who use stuff much. So I think if you want the relationship to work you both have to communicate honestly between you both. You may not want to agree with her requests though. Maybe you want to use these substances and you have every right to. Keep in mind she has every right to want to be around someone who doesn’t. You have to come to some middle ground or agreement and keep the honest communication going. 

[Sucuk Ekmek]

This is not an answer but, If substances doesn't help your communication problems you might consider doing something different.

Our kind invented language and speech just because they did mushrooms. There shouldn't be desire to escape, this is against the science of psychedelics (Most of the time.)

[Psychonaut]

14 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Break up with her. Because she doesn't respect your needs for Psychedelics.. 

Anyway the best thing is to break up because there's no compatibility. 

I have thought about it for a bit and I can't live without psychedelics for now. At least if I have a choice and don't face severe repercussions like jail or so I might take psychedelics for the rest of my life... Maybe not all the time, but when I feel the need.

 

10 hours ago, Lyubov said:

You have a really people pleasing attitude towards this. It’s not her right to tell you what to do but also at the same time honest communication is key and she may not want to be in a relationship with someone who uses these substances. I don’t like girls who use stuff much. 

Thanks for the reply. I didn't realise that I was people pleasing, but I am 100%. 

I also don't like girls that use a lot of drugs and matter of fact she smokes a lot of weed, like 5-7 joints a day. The lack of self control is off putting as I have no problem saying no to weed.

[LordFall]

What's her reasoning for not wanting you to take psychedelics? If it's because each time you have a bad trip and she needs to babysit you that's one thing. If it's because of some vague fear and anti drug stance then I would talk through that and explain your reasoning for it.

I would have the ultimate stance that if you aim to keep exploring your consciousness and she offers to credible argument against it then you're probably not compatible people. Especially if your main draw towards this relationship is good pussy lol, you can get that many places brother. 

[Hojo]

22 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

I also don't like girls that use a lot of drugs and matter of fact she smokes a lot of weed, like 5-7 joints a day. The lack of self control is off putting as I have no problem saying no to weed.

So she wants to break up with you because of your drugs use and you want to break up with her because of her drug use.

 

[Loving Radiance]

On 22.10.2024 at 2:02 PM, Psychonaut said:

I'm in a relationship with a woman training to be a Geistheiler (spiritual healer). Recently, I've jeopardized our relationship due to my drug use and dishonesty.

I told my girlfriend about ordering 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT. She was upset and didn't want me to take them, but initially seemed okay with it. However, things escalated:

1. During a call with her, I took 5-MeO-DMT and told her about it while on the phone. I had a rough trip, and she tried to help by sending me love and attempting to summon angels. This experience was difficult for both of us.

2. Another time, I took 5-MeO-MALT at home without informing her beforehand. When she asked later if I had taken anything, I admitted to it. This upset her greatly, as she felt I had betrayed her trust again.

She now wants me to tell her before I take anything, but I've broken her trust twice. She's given me an ultimatum: if I continue using drugs like this, our relationship is over.

The sexual connection in our relationship is incredibly strong - it's otherworldly and addictive. Honestly, it's the main reason I'm interested in staying.

I have a history of communication problems and drug use in relationships. I often freeze up during arguments, leading to emotional reactions and a desire to escape.

I'm torn between my desire to continue exploring with substances and maintaining this relationship. Should I break up with her or try to make it work?

Any insights or advice would be appreciated, especially regarding:

1. The ethics of staying in a relationship primarily for sex

2. Balancing drug use with relationship commitments

3. Rebuilding trust and improving communication

4. Identifying problematic patterns in my approach to relationships

1. Be conscious of yourself when you stay in the relationship for sex and not for the person you are in relation with. Be conscious that you stay in this relationship to fulfill your own needs. I imagine that you are in need for sexual pleasure and your partner is the only source for that. Do you practice self-pleasure and are you praying to yourself in that practice? Do you give yourself love?

2.1 It is important for your partner that you communicate with her and that she knows when you want to be high. What is so difficult for you about that? It is reasonable that she wants to be informed because you are living together. (I get how there is something in your psyche that makes this difficult.)

2.2 What would it feel like if you communicate with her before you take psychs? Is that difficult for you? If so, what feeling arises when you imagine doing this "communication before action"? Go into the feeling and listen what it needs and what it wants to tell you.

2.3 As you already wrote, it seems to be a pattern for you to be unbalanced in this. It points towards an unresolved protective pattern in you, expressing as avoidant attachment.   There is a shadow part in you which makes you not communicate and use psychs behind her back. So, get present when you have the feeling of doing psychs without communicating with her beforehand. Notice the impulses drawing you towards reaction, to fall into autopilot mode. Notice the energetic and emotional flow that brings you into this. Feel into yourself and ask yourself what you try to get by doing this action. What need are you wanting to fulfill or what story are you wanting to affirm and repeat? What quality of state of consciousness is that shadow part in and how does it feel like? How is it stuck in repeating a loop? What pain or vulnerability is this feeling/pattern/part avoiding?

3. Once you become more conscious of your pattern - emotionally and cognitively - talk with her about you being regularly stuck in your protective pattern which makes you be in a dissociated, shut-down state of consciousness (which makes it difficult for you to communicate). Talk with her how she can feel empathy for you and help you get present in that moment when these situations occur again. Think of baby steps how you can bring more consciousness into the habit. Be prepared take the long road because it is so engrained in you.   For example, I have noticed that I go into guzzle mode whenever I eat. I notice that whenever I chew a portion, there comes a time when I already prepare the next portion to stuff into my mouth. I am not present and enjoying the portion I still have in my mouth. The baby step is then that I become conscious of it and slow down my eating. I prepare the next portion only after I have chewed and swallowed the last one. I eat mindfully and taste the portion in my mouth. This is doing small steps for me. And of course, I will fall right back into guzzle mode just after a few seconds, just as fast as attaching to thoughts while meditating. I notice that I think of it and become more conscious of it more often. I always ate like this so it will take some time till I fully bring mindfulness into it.

4. What did all your close friends and partners mirror to you or criticize on you? Connect the dots and notice patterns arising. From your post I see avoidant attachment (with the accompanying survival responses of flight, then freeze, and - if nothing helps - fight) and spiritual bypassing. The ego structure will use awakening and higher states of consciousness to serve its patterns. For you these patterns are of avoidance.

 

Do the shadow work. Face the truth and the feeling that you are avoiding in the relative realm. Come out of hiding and give yourself to grace:

Quote

The end of your world - Adyashanti

Chapter five: Coming completely out of hiding

 

What would it be like if we didn’t avoid anything
we knew to be true? What if we came out of hiding in all
areas of our life? What if we completely stopped avoiding
ourselves, because that literally is the awakened life?

I have found over the years of working with people, even
people who have had very deep and profound awakenings,
that most people have a fear of being truthful, of really being
honest—not only with others, but with themselves as well.
Of course, the core of this fear is that most people know
intuitively that if they were actually totally truthful and
totally sincere and honest, they would no longer be able to
control anybody.
We can not control somebody with whom we have been
truthful. We can only control people if we tell half-truths, if
we shave down what is true. When we tell the total truth,
our inside is suddenly on the outside. There’s nothing hidden
anymore. For most human beings, being that exposed brings
up incredible fear. Most people walk around thinking, “My
god, if anybody could look inside of me, if anybody could
see what is happening in there, what my fears are, what my
doubts are, what my truths are, what I really perceive, they
would be horrified.”
Most people are protecting themselves. They are holding
a lot of things in. They are not living honest, truthful,
and sincere lives, because if they were to do so, they would
have no control. Of course, they don’t have control anyway,
but they would have no illusion of control, either.

[...] Telling the truth is an aspect of awakening. It may
not seem like it, because it’s very practical and very human.
It’s not transcendent. It’s not about pure consciousness, it’s
about how pure consciousness manifests as a human being
in an undivided way. We must be able to manifest what we
realize, and we must also come to grips with and start to
notice the very forces within us that keep us from manifesting
truthfulness in every situation.

Truth is a very high standard. Truth is not a plaything. To
tell what is true within ourselves is not to tell what we think;
it is not to tell our opinion. It is not to dump the garbage can
of our mind onto somebody else. All of that is illusion, distortion,
projection. Truth is not unloading our opinions onto
someone. That is not truth. Truth is not telling our beliefs
about things. That is not truth. Those are ways that we actually
hide from truth.
Truth is much more intimate than that. When we tell
the truth, it has the sense of a confession. I don’t mean a
confession of something bad or wrong, but I mean the sense
where we come completely out of hiding. Truth is a simple
thing. To speak the truth is to speak from a sense of total and
absolute unprotectedness.
To tell truth with any consistency, we not only have to
meet every place in ourselves that is afraid of telling truth,
we also have to see the belief structure we have that tells
us, “I can’t do that.” Those belief structures are by their
very nature based in unreality. To know this is not enough;
you have to actually see it, to really perceive exactly what
you believe. What are the exact belief structures that cause
you to go into duality, that cause you to go into conflict
and hiding? Only then can you tell truth in the way I’m
discussing here.

Coming completely out of hiding, being willing to
see every point of fixation, every way you go into division,
enables this part of the journey to continue. As this
happens, you feel your heart opening, your mind opening;
you feel yourself opening on levels that you never
dreamed possible. These levels are not just transcendent
of humanness, but also right within your humanness,
because there is no separation between your human being
and your divine being.

Transcendence as Avoidance
A lot of students who come to see me have the unconscious
idea that enlightenment means one should be able to feel
complete happiness, total bliss, and total freedom in any situation.
This is one of the unconscious beliefs that many people
have about awakening, and it’s another misperception.
It is true that, after awakening, the exterior situations
and circumstances of life stop having such an ability to throw
us off center. But it’s also true that, when we awaken, we
start to become more conscious of the patterns of behavior
in our lives that are not in harmony with what we have realized.
If you believe the misperception that enlightenment is
only about happiness, bliss, and freedom, you will be motivated
to transcend or escape those areas of your life that feel
less than fully functional. But sooner or later, as we become
more awake, we find that there is more and more pressure to
encounter and deal with those areas of our lives that we have
been avoiding, where we are less than fully conscious.
I have found that a lot of people become quite afraid
when they start to realize where this whole movement of
awakening is taking them, that it is taking them into an area
where they will be called to be unusually honest and real and
come completely out of hiding. This is contrary to the idea
of awakening being simply a transcendence of life, the finding
of a safe haven in some inner experience where we don’t
have to deal with life as it is. Awakening is, in fact, quite the
opposite: it’s a state of being in which we find the capacity
to deal with our lives as they actually are. But as I said,
many people are afraid of this part of the process, because
it demands that we come out of hiding on every level. A lot
of people are afraid to let truth penetrate certain relationships
they may be in—be they family or friendships or love
relationships or marriages. It can be much more comfortable
to hide from the truth, to hide from certain patterns of dysfunction
that may be present.

Ultimately, we find that enlightenment—if it’s true
and real—does not allow us to avoid anything. In fact, the
enlightened perspective actually makes it quite difficult, and
ultimately impossible, to turn away from any part of our life.
So, after awakening, many people begin to come to
grips with certain patterns in their lives that have been less
than conscious. Some people may even discover that certain
changes in their relationships and the pattern of their
lives are necessary. This can be a frightening part of the process,
because all of a sudden we are no longer hiding from
ourselves. We wonder, “Will my relationship survive this?
Will it work? Will my lover leave me? Will my friend still
want to be friends with me? Will my work environment,
my relationship with my boss—or whatever—actually still
work, or will it change in unexpected ways?”
And of course, most human beings are afraid of change.
We may want change, but change always has a quality of
unknowingness; you never know how something is going
to turn out. But this is an important part of becoming fully
awake; we have to come fully out of hiding. We have to confront
our life as it is. Is this relationship satisfying; is it based on
truth? I don’t mean is the relationship perfect or ideal. That’s
not relevant. What is relevant is whether it’s a relationship
based on honesty and truthfulness and wholeness, or not.
What is it that we are relating to in each other, exactly?
Where are we relating from? Are we relating from that place
where we see that the other is our own self, actually the
same nature as our own self? And are we acting that way
and moving that way? Are we willing to face the fears that
come up? As I said, most people are afraid of change. We fear
that if we come out of hiding—if we come out of denial—we
might lose a lover, a friend, a mate. The truth is, we might.
We never know.
I constantly tell people that enlightenment is no guarantee
that your life is going to go the way you planned. Life will
be much better than it was, but that doesn’t mean it’s going
to go the way you want it to. In the end, it’s about truth; it is
about being truthful in all aspects, at all levels of our being.
Enlightenment is not simply an escape; it’s not simply
a transcendence. It is that state of being from which we
can encounter our lives and our relationships as they are.
Life itself is nothing but relationship. In the ultimate view
of things, it’s the relationship of the One with the One, of
Spirit with Spirit. Then there is the appearance of this relationship—
the dance of relationship, the dance of life. And
in this dance, it is absolutely essential that we not hide from
anything.
If you do try to hide from something—if you are in a
relationship that is dysfunctional or a job that is tremendously
unsatisfying, and you choose not to deal with it—the
consequence of that denial is that you will not truly be liberated.
You won’t ever be capable of being fully free, because
any area where we choose to remain unconscious will ultimately
have an impact upon us, as well as upon others.
The call to come out of denial is not something that is
imposed upon life. [...] Awakened consciousness moves in particular ways. It does not
deny anything. It does not hide; it is not avoiding any part of
life. That which we are, that which is fully awake, is also ultimately
fully engaged and fearless. It moves the way it moves,
out of unconditional love and truthfulness. It is only the fear
in the mind—the fear that constructs the illusion of ego—
that causes one to recoil from this phase of the spiritual life.
[...] If you avoid those aspects of
your life that are not in harmony, those aspects of your life
where you may still be in denial, that kind of avoidance is
going to hinder your spiritual awakening. In the early stages,
it may not have much of an effect. But later, as we get into
the more mature opening of realization, there is no more
room for denial. This is something that a lot of people don’t
count on. A lot of us think that somehow enlightenment is
going to allow us to avoid dealing with those things in ourselves
that we find uncomfortable.
Awakening can be the ground from which we meet
every person and situation. It can be the ground from which
we relate to all the circumstances of life. But this takes a lot
of courage and a lot of fearlessness. It also takes something I
continue to emphasize: a very simple sincerity. This kind of
sincerity arises from that which loves the truth and sees that
the truth is the greatest good.
To be anything less than real, to be in avoidance of anything
at all, diminishes our experience of who we are. As I
often say to my students, to be less than truthful with the
people and situations in your life is to withhold the expression
of who you are. In the end, we must come to see that
truth itself is the highest good, that truth itself is the greatest
expression and manifestation of love. Ultimately, love
and truth are identical; they are like two sides of a coin.
You can’t have truth without love, and you can’t have love
without truth.
Awakening calls forth a transformation in both our
interior and exterior lives. Again, please don’t think this
transformation is about having the perfect life or the perfect
job or the perfect mate or the perfect marriage or the
perfect friendship. This is not about perfection; it is about
wholeness. It is not about having things exactly as we want
them, but about having things exactly as they are. When
we allow things to be, a sense of harmony develops; the gap
between our realization and who we are as a human being
gets smaller and smaller. A seamless continuum begins to
emerge between realization and expression, awakening and
its actualization.

[Optimal_Prime]

You lack boundaries. 

She does not control your use. You do. She is a witness to your life and a participant in your journey, not the conductor. 

You must continue to act in your best interests.

By allowing her to forbid your psychedelic use, you're setting the precedent that you will do actions that make you happy, and not do actions that make her unhappy, regardless of how you feel about them. Do you want that life for yourself? A life where you've grown to resent your partner as the woman who stops you from living your fullest, best life? 

it makes me sick when people drop ultimatums in relationships. It's manipulative. Why does something so silly matter more than your relationship? She doesn't seem to value it THAT much if a little bit of psychedelic exploration would make her instantly ok with the thought of losing you. Or, maybe she's not OK with the idea of it, and just thinks that you fear losing her so much that she can threaten to leave as a way to make you change. Again, manipulative, and she is treating you as weak. You might actually be weak. Or she might be trying to make you weak. I can't say. 

Further more, I find myself nearly FURIOUS that you've been being gaslit into beilieving YOU have done anything wrong here. 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE JEOPARDIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP? 

Why did you take psychedelics? To pursue momentary pleasures that are meaningless and come with a high risk of death, simply to feel momentary bliss? No... not with the psychedelics you've chosen. You chose those to grow as a person, as a man, as a man in relationship, as a man in this floating mass of subatomic particles, didn't you? I believe you did. 

Your "drug use" is being mislabeled. One, you don't have a history of "drug use" you "used a drug, twice." 

Second, you weren't "dishonest" at all.

You told her about the experience the first time. That is undoubtedly HONEST, especially since you knew she wasn't the biggest fan of the psychedelics, so, you were brave in telling her something instead of protecting her from the truth. 

The second time, again, there was no dishonesty, you simply ACTED WITHOUT FEAR OF NEEDING PERMISSION, and then you HONESTLY informed her that you had taken something when asked. 

if you are getting punished for living without fear of needing permission... well... that's not a good life. If you're being accused of jeopordizing the relationship, you're being gaslit. The only person jeopardizing anything is your partner by attempting to control. threaten, and create ultimatums. 

So, to answer question 1, I think staying in a relationship primarily for sex will lead to what you're experiencing. And it's okay to enjoy having sex with soeone and staying with them for a while, but that'll come to a natural end once you have to choose between having a good sex life or having a good life. You should always choose a good life over a good sex life. 

To answer question 2,3,4... all of those questions are asked from the frame of making yourself smaller to please someone else at the cost of your full authentic expression of consciousness. That's not OK. 2) You have to prioritize your personal commitments ahead of your relationship commitments. 3) Rebuilding trust needs to start with you firmly setting boundaries about what you will do, not compromising on what you will do, and being the man and therefore creating a container of trust and safety where even though you will live in ways she may not always agree with, she has nothing to fear. 4) Said 1000 times here but the only problematic approach to relationships I see here is letting someone else dictate what you should do, and giving into fear of ultimatums. If someone gave me an ultimatum i would immediately break up with them even if it was an ultimatum to not do something I didn't want to do. Ultimatums are a sign that the relationship, in her eyes, is one-sided, and that she can and will leave you the moment you don't meet her expectations.