I desperately want to kill myself. 〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

[Atb210201]

11 hours ago, Genius100x said:

There's no God outside my reality. I don't pray to any God. If God exists, that's me and my reality. 

Sometimes it's my coping mechanism to convert pain into self love. I love myself and smile at myself in tough times. But other times the pain becomes unbearable and I want to sleep forever....Because I love myself. So I can't see myself in pain. 

God is in me and I talk to him. 

 

I know but Just try talking to a God outside of yourself.

Sometimes it's good to think there is a higher power than yourself to whom you can talk to and take refuge in.

It can be very consulting and have a healing effect.

I know the power of it that's why I'm suggesting this to you.

The decision is yours my friend.

Edited October 20, 2024 by Atb210201

[Wilhelm44]

18 hours ago, Genius100x said:

This is what you misunderstood. 

I do have hope and a strong belief that if I lived enough I will do something. I will solve all my problems eventually. I BELIEVE IN MY POTENTIAL. I just sabotage myself and have a hard time focusing and I compulsively overthink. I am not conscious in my day to day life that I am thinking. 

THERE IS NO LACK OF HOPE. I am just FED UP WITH THE SUFFERING THAT ARISES every now and then. I anticipate 1000 bad events which WILL happen in future. 

Sometimes my brain resets and I procrastinate on it. But there's always a risk of suicide in my life. I think I am so hardwired for survival that I will come up with some excuse or the other....about not killing myself. I think someone in the Universe is protecting me. Few years back, I was so surprised how something inside me stopped me from committing suicide in the last  moment when I was determined to kill myself. (Perhaps I stopped because I had no lethal poison). 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

If I was truly hopeless I would have killed myself long ago, no matter how much courage it would take. 

〰️〰️〰️ 

I wanna ask you @Leo Gura when you had a tenacious gut infection and you were suicidal and lost all hope. How did you keep yourself alive? What did you do? 

For the overthinking and anticipating bad events, you might benefit from Katie Byron's 4 questions to work with the mind.

[Sugarcoat]

I contemplate suicide a lot too so I get you. 

[Genius100x]

3 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

I contemplate suicide a lot too so I get you. 

Also, realize that there's no point in being in the middle. Either choose full life or full death. Because if you know that you will contemplate suicide, and then when you are just about to kill yourself, you retreat back, what's the point of contemplating? Only when you are 100% sure about suicide, you should contemplate it. If you know you WILL live, don't contemplate it. 

〰️〰️

I forget this again and again but sometimes I realise this basic common sense. 

Edited October 21, 2024 by Genius100x

[Sugarcoat]

4 hours ago, Genius100x said:

Also, realize that there's no point in being in the middle. Either choose full life or full death. Because if you know that you will contemplate suicide, and then when you are just about to kill yourself, you retreat back, what's the point of contemplating? Only when you are 100% sure about suicide, you should contemplate it. If you know you WILL live, don't contemplate it. 

〰️〰️

I forget this again and again but sometimes I realise this basic common sense. 

It’s easier said than done. Suicide is a big step from just thinking about it to committing it, but it starts in the mind..

[Genius100x]

12 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It’s easier said than done. Suicide is a big step from just thinking about it to committing it, but it starts in the mind..

Yes I get it. But some of them are mild suicidal thoughts, you can reject them because you know you won't do it just because of small problems. You'll do it only when problems get big enough. 

Maybe it's easier said than done. 

〰️〰️

Sometimes, even due to small issues I get suicidal thoughts but I quickly reject them because I know I won't commit suicide just because of such small issues. 

When I have strong suicidal thoughts, it's very hard to reject them. 

Edited October 21, 2024 by Genius100x

[Sugarcoat]

16 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

You'll do it only when problems get big enough. 

That’s how I think too . We have that similarity where we know that we have bad things in front of us and wanna kill ourselves before it gets too unbearable

Thoughts are just thoughts at the end of the day, so when issues are smaller and those suicidal thoughts come then yes one can just reject them

[Sugarcoat]

20 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

When I have strong suicidal thoughts, it's very hard to reject them.

The fact you are here today shows you’ve been able to reject them thus far

[Genius100x]

1 minute ago, Sugarcoat said:

That’s how I think too . We have that similarity where we know that we have bad things in front of us and wanna kill ourselves before it gets too unbearable

Thoughts are just thoughts at the end of the day, so when issues are smaller and those suicidal thoughts come then yes one can just reject them

@Sugarcoat I believe you will survive. I will survive too. I will prepare well before it becomes unbearable. 

[Genius100x]

16 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

The fact you are here today shows you’ve been able to reject them thus far

I rejected them. But I could have died if I had a gun or a lethal neurotoxic poison which kills instantly. 

Edited October 22, 2024 by Genius100x

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

@Sugarcoat I believe you will survive. I will survive too. I will prepare well before it becomes unbearable. 

Thank you. Prepare how?

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Genius100x said:

I rejected them. But maybe I could have died if I had a gun or a lethal neurotoxic poison which kills instantly. 

Sometimes the urge gets stronger yes. 

[Genius100x]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

Thank you. Prepare how?

By finding a job or an out-of-the-box business...etc. By moving out OR running away (leaving my family forever). That depends on the situation. 

One thing I know for sure is that there are 1000 ways of escape for me. Becz the world is so so enormous. (It has 8 billion people and too many things...). 

I just haven't figured out an escape route yet. Someone must be there in the world who needs me. 

〰️〰️〰️

When a really tough situation arises, and we crumble and die, we are dead. 

But when we somehow go through it, it makes us stronger (more resilient) ,

Sometimes I think God has designed my life in such a way that I will have hard times (and I'll have strong suicidal thoughts) but I won't be able to kill myself, so that I can grow and be more conscious. It's a plan of God maybe. 

Edit : And "tough" is a relative term. 

Edited October 21, 2024 by Genius100x

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

By finding a job or an out-of-the-box business...etc. By moving out OR running away (leaving my family forever). That depends on the situation. 

One thing I know for sure is that there are 1000 ways of escape for me. Becz the world is so so enormous. (It has 8 billion people and too many things...). 

I just haven't figured out an escape route yet. Someone must be there in the world who needs me. 

〰️〰️〰️

When a really tough situation arises, and we crumble and die, we are dead. 

But when we somehow go through it, it makes us stronger (more resilient) , I think God has designed my life in such a way that I will have hard times (and I'll have strong suicidal thoughts) but I won't be able to kill myself, so that I can grow and be more conscious. It's a plan of God maybe. 

 

i think there’s a way out of your bad situation too. Good luck with it. Maybe it is destined that way who knows

[Ulax]

Hey OP,

Sounds to me like you probably have complex ptsd. Pete Walker's book on surviving to thriving can be helpful imo.

Also, I think Dr Ramani's Youtube channel will be especially helpful for understanding your family dynamics and your options going forward.

[Genius100x]

14 hours ago, Ulax said:

Hey OP,

Sounds to me like you probably have complex ptsd. 

What's the difference between PTSD and complex PTSD in symptoms? 

It may or may not be PTSD but there are indeed some effects due to abuse. Like neurotic behaviours. low mood 24x7. etc. 

Edited October 22, 2024 by Genius100x

[Ulax]

1 hour ago, Genius100x said:

What's the difference between PTSD and complex PTSD in symptoms? 

It may or may not be PTSD but there are indeed some effects due to abuse. Like neurotic behaviours. low mood 24x7. etc. 

Core symptoms of PTSD:

1. Intrusions or re-experiencing of the event (such as intrusive memories, repetitive play in which the events or aspects of it are expressed, nightmares, flashbacks, distress triggered by reminders of the event or events).
2. Avoidance (such as avoiding thoughts, feelings or memories of the event or events, or avoiding people, places, conversations or situations that are associated with the event or the events).
3. Arousal and reactivity or sense of current threat (such as irritability, being overly vigilant, being easily startled, concentration problems, sleep problems).
 

Complex PTSD

"According to the ICD-11, Complex PTSD consists of the same core symptoms of (ICD-11) PTSD, [as listed above] but has three additional groups of symptoms (which are sometimes referred to as ‘disturbances in self-organisation’ or ‘DSO’):

4. Problems in affect regulation (such as marked irritability or anger, feeling emotionally numb)
5. Beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the traumatic event
6. Difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others"

 

To my understanding, a key difference is to do with whether you have had multiple or prolonged traumatic experiences. Growing up in abusive household is more CPTSD, and being near a terrorist attack is more PTSD.

[Schizophonia]

It will pass, trust in time.

[Genius100x]

On 10/19/2024 at 11:43 PM, Jayson G said:

you just need to muster the courage and escape.

perhaps you can go to an ashram in India by bus, and stay there, help out there, and they will provide food and shelter, until you can get a job, and then go from there. If you are worried about your family finding you, then choose an ashram in a remote location

I wanna escape. But there're some good people too in my family. This is a moral dilemma. I don't want to leave them in grief.

People commit suicide because they are selfish. Everyone is. Even the ones who seem selfless. @Jayson G 

But running away is always better than committing suicide. 

Edited October 23, 2024 by Genius100x

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, Genius100x said:

I don't want to leave them in grief.

Don't worry about that. Save yourself first. Then you can patch things up with them.

You don't owe them your whole life.

Create a good life for yourself, then you will be in a nice position to reconnect with whatever good family members you have. But you can't do that while you are suicidal and stuck in hell.

Just keep taking baby steps each day towards moving out on your own. You will start to feel better just from taking that action each day.

Edited October 23, 2024 by Leo Gura