I desperately want to kill myself. 〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

[Yimpa]

I felt this way yesterday. You are not alone; hang in there.

[Atb210201]

I hope I'm not late but don't do it man.

I would love to be there for you if you wish.

[Yeah Yeah]

You know dude, I like to reflect of Shakespeare's Hamlet "To be or not to be is the question." as the character wrangles this exact question. Or even the first sentence of The Myth of Sisyphus which states the essay's purpose: ''There is but one serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. '' by Albert Camus a nobel prize winner in literature - I personally believe there isn't a sort of negative reprecusion or torment, or damnation, or a sort of punishment for suicide; but I do consider maybe you do exist for a reason which may yet be realized

Edited October 19 by Yeah Yeah

[Genius100x]

11 hours ago, Scholar said:

Do you have some meditative practices that you do daily? What kind of actions are you taking to improve your situation, and yourself, at the moment?

No, currently not. At the moment, I don't understand what to do, I am just going wherever life takes me. I am just flowing with it. Not sure what'll happen. But one thing I know for sure, whatever will happen... it will happen for good. Whether life or death or anything. 

Suffering ebbs and flows. 

Also, one thing I have learnt in life is that Imagination or anticipation often amplifies the real problem. Sometimes, what we imagine seems more horrible than the actual experience. Maybe it's a coping mechanism of the mind. So that the actual situation becomes easier to go through. 

 

11 hours ago, Raze said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOf4rIt5V14

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVkSwbJ-sFY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6NAC6ajkH8

These were great videos. I had watched that  Eckhart Tolle's one. Tony's video helped me a little bit. 

...

34 minutes ago, Yeah Yeah said:

 maybe you do exist for a reason which may yet be realized

This is the dilemma. This has always been holding me back. 

When I am on the verge of killing myself, I feel something extremely wrong and drastic is gonna happen, it feels as if this whole reality is gonna collapse. So I hold myself back. (I am just afraid of committing a big mistake). 

What if  life has something very big for me.... I don't wanna lose it. 

Edited October 19 by Genius100x

[Leo Gura]

@Genius100x Why don't you look for a simple job and move out?

That's your solution.

It is time for you to move out and take control of your life.

Do not kill yourself. As you make plan to move out you will feel better because you will have hope. The reason you wanna kill yourself is because you have no hope right now.

Edited October 19 by Leo Gura

[Genius100x]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Genius100x The reason you wanna kill yourself is because you have no hope right now.

This is what you misunderstood. 

I do have hope and a strong belief that if I lived enough I will do something. I will solve all my problems eventually. I BELIEVE IN MY POTENTIAL. I just sabotage myself and have a hard time focusing and I compulsively overthink. I am not conscious in my day to day life that I am thinking. 

THERE IS NO LACK OF HOPE. I am just FED UP WITH THE SUFFERING THAT ARISES every now and then. I anticipate 1000 bad events which WILL happen in future. 

Sometimes my brain resets and I procrastinate on it. But there's always a risk of suicide in my life. I think I am so hardwired for survival that I will come up with some excuse or the other....about not killing myself. I think someone in the Universe is protecting me. Few years back, I was so surprised how something inside me stopped me from committing suicide in the last  moment when I was determined to kill myself. (Perhaps I stopped because I had no lethal poison). 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

If I was truly hopeless I would have killed myself long ago, no matter how much courage it would take. 

〰️〰️〰️ 

I wanna ask you @Leo Gura when you had a tenacious gut infection and you were suicidal and lost all hope. How did you keep yourself alive? What did you do? 

Edited October 19 by Genius100x

[Genius100x]

17 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Why don't you look for a simple job and move out?

That's your solution.

I am thinking about this. I will do this in near future. 

Should I run away with any small job (and leave my family forever... there're some good people too in my family...) instead of just moving out? 

I will get into a college after 6 months. And 3 years will go in doing B.Sc. I will certainly look for a job during college days. 

I am preparing for an entrance exam (for B.Sc Physics). I dropped out of an engineering college last year and now preparing for the exam. It's not only my parents' desire but also my own desire to study Physics and other subjects. (I am struggling with focus issues. ) 

EITHER I'll complete my education and move out OR I'll run away with a small job without completing my degree. 

〰️〰️〰️

Sorry for any misspeaking.

Edited October 20 by Genius100x

[koops]

You dont really want to do it.

Otherwise you wouldnt explain it so good.

You know you want to do certain things in your life.

You only need ONE THING:

MOVE OUT.

I know is easy to say. But.. that one thing is the key to starting a new good life.

Make a plan on how you can leave and act on it.

Think on the future. Visualize yourself 1-2-5 years from now.

Things are going to be GREAT 😉

 

If you want some accountability, you can count on me.

 

 

[Genius100x]

23 minutes ago, koops said:

You dont really want to do it.

〰️〰️

Otherwise you wouldnt explain it so good

I want to do bro. And I'll do stuff if I am alive. 

One thing is very clear to me. Either I will die. Or if I survived, I will do strive to be on my full potential. I will never give up trying untill I am in this life. Even if I am the weakest human on Earth. 

〰️〰️〰️

I have a habit of explaining things in detail becoz I doubt people got my points or not. 

Edited October 19 by Genius100x

[koops]

39 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

I want to do bro. And I'll do stuff if I am alive. 

One thing is very clear to me. Either I will die. Or if I survived, I will do strive to be on my full potential. I will never give up trying untill I am in this life. Even if I am the weakest human on Earth. 

〰️〰️〰️

I have a habit of explaining things in detail becoz I doubt people got my points or not. 

You sound smart and ambitious.

Go full on your max potential.

Is amazing how life can change for the better in a few months.

 

 

 

[Atb210201]

Try talking to God.

Trust in God's knowledge and wisdom of every damn thing.

And just talk to Him; pour out all of your heart for Him.

Just do it once if you've never done it or just do it again if you've already done it.

Just do it and let's see what happens OK my friend?

I'm also here if you wish to talk but God is the best Listener of all and He is also the best Guide of all and the best Saviour of all; I suggest you talking to Him before anybody else.

Edited October 19 by Atb210201

[Jayson G]

@Genius100x

Hey man, I just read everything you posted on this thread. 

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I think you need to make this clear in your mind: Clearly your dreams and ambitions are greater than your suffering. I get your suffering is a lot right now, but your dreams and ambitions are greater. This is a clear sign that you need to commit to LIFE. It's very simple. It's hard to see this simple fact because you are in the "clouds" right now, but just see that if your dreams are big, you owe it to yourself, your future self, to find a way no matter what, do whatever it takes to reach that vision of yours. 

Feed your ambition, and cultivate that desire very strongly. I think for some time even consider consuming less philosophy as that is feeding your negative emotions, and focus on clear strategy and action. Maybe listen to Owen Cook. He will get you out of this emotional funk you are in, and get you to "fight and claw" out of this haze you're in. Then once you gain some control on your situation, you can perhaps return more to philosophy. 

Also realize you have many options right now. It doesn't seem like that, but you do have options. For example, perhaps you can go to an ashram in India by bus, and stay there, help out there, and they will provide food and shelter, until you can get a job, and then go from there. If you are worried about your family finding you, then choose an ashram in a remote location, grow a bigger beard or something. Start planning it out. Writing it out if you have to. 

My grandma and grandpa, in their late 70s and early 80s live in India, and they were daily abused by their son in many ways. They also felt hopeless, but then my aunt snuck them out of the house, and now they are thriving. They too didn't see hope, but they got out. When you're in the clouds, its hard to see hope, but there is a way out for you. I can already see it, you just need to muster the courage and escape. And even if you don't leave for some time, that's okay too. You can develop coping mechanisms. Start cultivating coping mechanisms if you choose to stay at home for some time. Coping mechanisms like: distraction with Netflix, meditation, opening the window and breathing some fresh air, a book to put you in a better headspace, pushups and situps to make you feel physically stronger, etc. You can do all this. The moment you start taking action in the right direction, you'll feel stronger, more capable, break out of your emotional haze more and more, and see new possibilities to fix your situation. Trust me, you will reach better horizons. 

I think you said you don't have habits in place? That you are just flowing. This is what needs to change. Trying to flow right now, is like letting your cirumstances control you. You need to take control of your life by cultivating the right habits. Build your foundations. Then you can add some flow in as well. Habits are critical, even small habits, and then keep building on that. When you have a solid foundation of habits over time, no one can take that away from you, not even an abusive family member, and you can use that foundation to ground you, to give you something worth fighting for as well. You don't just need just a better vision to pull you out, both a vision and a foundation of great habits can give you a lot of power. 

Edited October 19 by Jayson G

[Genius100x]

1 hour ago, Atb210201 said:

Try talking to God.

Just do it once if you've never done it or just do it again if you've already done it. 

God is the best Listener of all and He is also the best Guide of all and the best Saviour of all; I suggest you talking to Him before anybody else.

There's no God outside my reality. I don't pray to any God. If God exists, that's me and my reality. 

Sometimes it's my coping mechanism to convert pain into self love. I love myself and smile at myself in tough times. But other times the pain becomes unbearable and I want to sleep forever....Because I love myself. So I can't see myself in pain. 

God is in me and I talk to him. 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

@Jayson G thanks a lot for this post...

[El Rio]

You said this: "I really want to start a new life."

Then this is what should do at the first opportunity. Start a new life. Just go.

We only have 3 choices in most situations. Change the scenario. Remove yourself from the scenario. Or accept the scenario.

If for some reason you chose not to leave...then know we are all in form to learn certain lessons all of which eventually lead to learning how to love unconditionally.  What if you turn the tables on your attackers and just express the deepest love that you can muster? No matter what they do? Just respond with forgiveness and love? Would it change the situation?

 

Suicide in not the best answer here.

[Thought Art]

I believe in you.

[Genius100x]

21 hours ago, Jayson G said:

I think you said you don't have habits in place? That you are just flowing

I said I am flowing with life in the sense that I am not deciding currently about life or death. I am just living my life whether it's good or bad. 

〰️〰️〰️

I am trying to stick to habits for many years, but my habits (changes I make) are very short-lived. Hopefully I will create strong habits in near future with strong determination. 

21 hours ago, Jayson G said:

Start cultivating coping mechanisms if you choose to stay at home for some time.

• I do have some coping mechanisms. I vividly imagine a  daughter whom I am parenting  maturely and with love and sweetness. This is one of the biggest reasons I wanna live. 

• I journal and vent out my thoughts (like I did on this forum.) 
• I see those who are suffering much more than me. 

@Jayson G 

〰️〰️〰️ 

20 hours ago, El Rio said:

.What if you turn the tables on your attackers and just express the deepest love that you can muster? No matter what they do? Just respond with forgiveness and love? Would it change the situation?

I think this won't change them or the situation.  @El Rio

Edited October 20 by Genius100x

[Jayson G]

@Genius100x you're doing great. That sounds great. Just hang in there. One step at a time, you just walk in the dark tunnel until you start to see the light at the end, just have to keep walking until you're out of the tunnel. 

Edited October 19 by Jayson G

[UnbornTao]

Hey, cheer up. We all go through shitty circumstances. Nothing like building hope and constructive things, looking forward to the future as open possibility.

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, Genius100x said:

This is what you misunderstood. 

I do have hope and a strong belief that if I lived enough I will do something. I will solve all my problems eventually. I BELIEVE IN MY POTENTIAL. I just sabotage myself and have a hard time focusing and I compulsively overthink. I am not conscious in my day to day life that I am thinking. 

THERE IS NO LACK OF HOPE. I am just FED UP WITH THE SUFFERING THAT ARISES every now and then.

I see. Okay. Well then you gotta take action to address the biggest source of suffering which is your toxic family.

Once you are free of them your suffering will be much reduced, so you can look forward to that.

Quote

I wanna ask you @Leo Gura when you had a tenacious gut infection and you were suicidal and lost all hope. How did you keep yourself alive? What did you do? 

I still have it.

It's very difficult. I test out new solutions to find something that helps.

In your case the solution is clear, you just follow through on it and you will feel better.

9 hours ago, Genius100x said:

I am thinking about this. I will do this in near future. 

Should I run away with any small job (and leave my family forever... there're some good people too in my family...) instead of just moving out? 

I will get into a college after 6 months. And 3 years will go in doing B.Sc. I will certainly look for a job during college days. 

I am preparing for an entrance exam (for B.Sc Physics). I dropped out of an engineering college last year and now preparing for the exam. It's not only my parents' desire but also my own desire to study Physics and other subjects. (I am struggling with focus issues. ) 

I think your situation is serious enough that you shouldn't wait to complete your education. You need to move out immediately and for that you need a simple job. You need to resolve this toxic family problem, not endure it for 6+ months. It sounds like your education will takes years, and that's not something you can do. That's too risky to your mental health. To need to focus on getting yourself into a comfortable place before you worry about physics or whatever. Physics doens't matter when you are suicidal for years.

Edited October 20 by Leo Gura

[Raze]

11 hours ago, Genius100x said:

This is what you misunderstood. 

I do have hope and a strong belief that if I lived enough I will do something. I will solve all my problems eventually. I BELIEVE IN MY POTENTIAL. I just sabotage myself and have a hard time focusing and I compulsively overthink. I am not conscious in my day to day life that I am thinking. 

THERE IS NO LACK OF HOPE. I am just FED UP WITH THE SUFFERING THAT ARISES every now and then. I anticipate 1000 bad events which WILL happen in future. 

Sometimes my brain resets and I procrastinate on it. But there's always a risk of suicide in my life. I think I am so hardwired for survival that I will come up with some excuse or the other....about not killing myself. I think someone in the Universe is protecting me. Few years back, I was so surprised how something inside me stopped me from committing suicide in the last  moment when I was determined to kill myself. (Perhaps I stopped because I had no lethal poison). 

〰️〰️〰️

Try detox dudes, transforming negative self talk by Steve Andreas and unified mindfulness 

Edited October 20 by Raze