I desperately want to kill myself. 〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

[Genius100x]

Due to toxic and abusive family. A toxic sibling and a highly toxic & abusive man whom I call "father". 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

I am anticipating a nasty situation which I'll really hate. It will happen after few hours and I want to kill myself before that. 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

I'm suicidal due to day to day challenges. (shouting, criticising, controlling, rudeness, family toxicity, abuse, headache situations, hassles,.... when forced to do something I hate, controlled by family what to do, where to go...(No autonomy) My so-called family makes me a slave. 

Sometimes I want to run away but it's as dangerous as suicide. 

I often say to myself "if this keeps going, I can't live, I don't want to live". 

When I anticipate a nasty or headache situation, I start thinking that I should kill myself before that situation arises. Because there'll be 1000s of such situations in my lifetime. 

I had reached very close to killing myself in the past....a few times.

When I am on the verge of killing myself, I feel something extremely wrong and drastic is gonna happen, it feels as if this whole reality is gonna collapse. So I hold myself back. (I am not afraid of consuming poison, I am just afraid of making a big mistake, I doubt myself.). 

〰️〰️〰️

I have strong desires, commitments and ambitions in life which I don't wanna lose. But at the same time I have a strong desire to escape this suffering. I am desperate. 

〰️〰️〰️

I am so angry that I want to murder my abusers but I can't do this because I would be imprisoned for life after that, which would be much worse than suicide.

Their toxicity is intolerable. 

What I am gonna lose when I commit suicide?

Will I come back in this human form after death?

Is it wrong to commit suicide when your life sucks and it will be so for many many years...? 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

Edit : If I choose to live, I will get both pain and pleasure in equal amounts in overall life. Or if I die, I will get nothing. It doesn't matter whether I live or die. So I am in extreme dilemma what should I choose. Sometimes pain overwhelms me , other times the pleasure and beauty of life overwhelm me. 

Edited October 19 by Genius100x

[bambi]

33 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

Due to toxic and abusive family. A toxic sibling and a highly toxic & abusive man whom I call "father". 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

I am anticipating a nasty situation which I'll really hate. It will happen after few hours and I want to kill myself before that. 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

I'm suicidal due to day to day challenges. (shouting, criticising, controlling, rudeness, family toxicity, abuse, headache situations, hassles,.... when forced to do something I hate, controlled by family what to do, where to go...(No autonomy) My so-called family makes me a slave. 

Sometimes I want to run away but it's as dangerous as suicide. 

I often say to myself "if this keeps going, I can't live, I don't want to live". 

When I anticipate a nasty or headache situation, I start thinking that I should kill myself before that situation arises. Because there'll be 1000s of such situations in my lifetime. 

I had reached very close to killing myself in the past....a few times.

When I am on the verge of killing myself, I feel something extremely wrong and drastic is gonna happen, it feels as if this whole reality is gonna collapse. So I hold myself back. (I am not afraid of consuming poison, I am just afraid of making a big mistake, I doubt myself.). 

〰️〰️〰️

I have strong desires, commitments and ambitions in life which I don't wanna lose. But at the same time I have a strong desire to escape this suffering. I am desperate. 

〰️〰️〰️

I am so angry that I want to murder my abusers but I can't do this because I would be imprisoned for life after that, which would be much worse than suicide.

Their toxicity is intolerable. 

What I am gonna lose when I commit suicide?

Will I come back in this human form after death?

Is it wrong to commit suicide when your life sucks and it will be so for many many years...? 

Thankfully I have some posion in my room , I don't know whether it's lethal or not...I have few hours to decide. 

I have been tolerating their toxicity for 20 years. 

 

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I would run things on the hypothesis that suicide will just make your reappear/reborn in a worse situaiton then you currently are, so take this option of the table as its no real solution.

How old are you? Where do you live?

You ultimately need to get away from your abuse as fast as you can, whatever it takes, and then take some time to heal. Its natural to have those deep feelings of hopelessness and despair considering your situation. Focus on a tangible actionable plan even if its multi-year, some type of strategy that you can at least see leads to the removal of the immediate abuse will bring you some positivity and hope

[Genius100x]

19 minutes ago, bambi said:

How old are you? Where do you live?

You ultimately need to get away from your abuse as fast as you can, whatever it takes, and then take some time to heal. Its natural to have those deep feelings of hopelessness and despair considering your situation. Focus on a tangible actionable plan even if its multi-year, some type of strategy that you can at least see leads to the removal of the immediate abuse will bring you some positivity and hope

I am 22. Indian. I don't want to tolerate anymore. Even if it improves in few years. I don't have the capacity to tolerate even for a day. 

I feel so bad that I don't have the courage to fight back. Becz I was programmed to be afraid since childhood. 

I live with narcissistic and toxic members everyday. 

Are few hours not enough? What good things can I do in few hours if I have to die tomorrow? 

I really want to start a new life. 

Edited October 18 by Genius100x

[bambi]

18 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

I am 22. Indian. I don't want to tolerate anymore. Even if it improves in few years. I don't have the capacity to tolerate even for a day. 

I feel so bad that I don't have the courage to fight back. Becz I was programmed to be afraid since childhood. 

I live with narcissistic and toxic members everyday. 

Are few hours not enough? What good things can I do in few hours if I have to die tomorrow? 

I really want to start a new life. 

At 22 can you not leave home? I dont know indian culture but I left home at 18, why are you still living with your family?

[Genius100x]

9 minutes ago, bambi said:

At 22 can you not leave home? I dont know indian culture but I left home at 18, why are you still living with your family?

At 22 people can leave homes. But I couldn't focus (maybe ADD) and failed in academics, dropped out of college, wasted years, etc. I have no money...no skills... nothing. 

How can I run away from home only to die? I can run away from home today, if I got an escape route. 

Edited October 18 by Genius100x

[bambi]

5 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

At 22 people can leave homes. But I couldn't focus (maybe ADD) and failed in academics, dropped out of college, wasted years, etc. I have no money...no skills... nothing. 

How can I leave home only to die? I can leave home today, if I got an escape route. 

Yeah your going to have to take some ownership and personal accountibility. This victim mindset at 22 isnt going to help your plight. You need some accountiblity and positive planning. Put your situatiion into AI and build a plan

[Genius100x]

3 minutes ago, bambi said:

Yeah your going to have to take some ownership and personal accountibility.  This victim mindset at 22 isnt going to help your plight. You need some accountiblity and positive planning. Put your situatiion into AI and build a plan

I had taken ownership and personal accountibility. I was trying to do stuff. But the question here is about toxic family. Which I don't want to face. Even for a day. 

[bambi]

2 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

I had taken ownership and personal accountibility. I was trying to do stuff. But the question here is about toxic family. Which I don't want to face. Even for a day. 

I would say 50% of humans if not more face toxic family situations. Thats why most people ensure they can leave home at 18 or even 16. You have to do what it takes my friend. Good luck

[Genius100x]

14 hours ago, bambi said:

I would say 50% of humans if not more face toxic family situations. Thats why most people ensure they can leave home at 18 or even 16. You have to do what it takes my friend. Good luck

@bambi Bro your advice is great. But I am repeatedly writing that ....this isn't the problem of the hour. I am thinking about running away or dying this moment. I don't even have the time to write this post. It's all about this hour. 

Not about what I did at 16 or 18 or what  I'll do in 5 years. 

Edited October 19 by Genius100x

[shree]

2 hours ago, Genius100x said:

 

Hi @Genius100x

Here’s something to keep in mind: while the pain feels endless, there is a way through it that doesn’t involve taking extreme steps. It can feel like everything is impossible to change, but there are small ways to start shifting things. Start by focusing on small actions that you can take to improve your situation. Consider seeking therapy, getting involved in activities that give you purpose, or learning how to emotionally distance yourself from the family toxicity,even if you can’t leave right away.

At 22, it might feel like there’s no hope, but things can change. Start by finding any job to gain some independence. Save money, educate yourself by reading books on emotionally immature parents, and plan your way out. Taking even the smallest steps can create a ripple effect. Whether it's reaching out for professional support or just finding ways to manage day by day,, these actions can make a big difference.

You’re not at fault for being in this situation, but you do have the power to take control of your life, one small step at a time. Keep reaching out for support, you’re not alone.

 

[Genius100x]

12 hours ago, shree said:

Hi @Genius100x

 

@shree Thanks a lot. I don't know whether I'll survive or not. How long I'll live ...only God knows. 

This is such a dilemma. I don't want to lose my beautiful dreams. I don't want this pain either. Life is a pain in the ass. 

I just watched Leo's video on this 

I was somewhat relieved that I can commit suicide. It's not morally wrong. It's my prerogative as a human being. I knew it before but Leo validated it for me. But I m still in dilemma. 

Quote

can you love this ... that's the challenge there's no challenge in loving everything when you're dead that happens automatically there's no challenge.... the challenge is precisely to figure out how to love this the stuff that is limited and difficult to love 

it's the thorn in your side that's difficult to love. 

Leo said this in this video. I couldn't get it, why should I challenge myself to love pain? Why is it necessary to love this while I m alive? What's the problem with hating it?  

Edited October 19 by Genius100x

[Scholar]

What do you think will happen if you bear the suffering for one more day?

[Genius100x]

17 minutes ago, Scholar said:

What do you think will happen if you bear the suffering for one more day?

I will be depressed for one more day. Then many more such days will also appear. 

[Scholar]

1 minute ago, Genius100x said:

I will be depressed for one more day. Then many more such days will also appear. 

Yes, but better days might come too. One more day depressed will not change much, given how long you were already enduring this, but making a decision like this would not be something you can just reverse.

One day you can gain independence and then find deeper meaning in your life than just avoiding suffering.

 

 

What in particular do you fear in your interactions with your family members? How do they make you feel when they do something hurtful?

[Genius100x]

Just now, Scholar said:

What in particular do you fear in your interactions with your family members? How do they make you feel when they do something hurtful?

I become very depressed and desperate to do something drastic like running away or suicide. 

I don't have words to describe my situation. They are toxic. Their (2 of my family members) mere presence depresses me a lot. 

I am fed up. 

Thanks for the reply. ♥️

[Scholar]

Just now, Genius100x said:

I become very depressed and desperate to do something drastic like running away or suicide. 

I don't have words to describe my situation. They are toxic. Their (2 of my family members) mere presence depresses me a lot. 

I am fed up. 

Thanks for the reply. ♥️

Can you describe an interaction you had with one of your family members and what it made you feel?

 

You can learn to process these feelings and not suffer from their toxicity as much as you do, and even develop to such a degree that you would be above their pettiness. Would you want to be able to achieve that?

[Genius100x]

On 10/19/2024 at 1:58 AM, Scholar said:

Can you describe an interaction you had with one of your family members and what it made you feel? 

For example...They were shouting at me without any valid reason....and I couldn't say anything....I had no courage....My anger couldn't get expression, it was killing me from inside. They talk rudely 24x7. 

My sibling bullied me in childhood (earlier physically too, but now emotionally). 

I saw brutal domestic violence from my father for 20 years. My mom didn't take any step even after police came to our house (2-3 times).

Edited October 20 by Genius100x

[Princess Arabia]

54 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

I was somewhat relieved that I can commit suicide. It's not morally wrong. It's my prerogative as a human being. I knew it before but Leo validated it for me. But I m still in dilemma. 

Please do not think this way. It seems as if you're saying Leo gave you permission to do it. Please remember he also said he doesn't advise people under any circumstances to harm themselves.

[Scholar]

7 minutes ago, Genius100x said:

For example...They were shouting at me without any valid reason....and I couldn't say anything....I had no courage....My anger couldn't get expression, it was killing me from inside. They talk rudely 24x7. 

My sibling bullied me in childhood (earlier physically too, but now emotionally). 

I saw brutal domestic violence from my father for 20 years. My mom didn't take any step even after police came to our house. 

〰️〰️〰️

I think I have daily posting limit. So I'll reply less. 

It will take time and effort for you to build up the skills to emotionally process this kind of toxicity, but you can do it if you apply yourself.

It is challenging in your situation because of how much trauma you seem to have experienced. Siblings should support each other, not abuse and sabotage one another. I had similar problems in my early childhood with some family members and even friends, and I also lacked the confidence to act. I was so timid that I would allow them to physically abuse me and pretend it didn't bother me, because I was so scared of conflict and their disapproval.

It would be better if you could remove yourself from this situation. But as long as you cannot, you have to learn to remove yourself emotionally from them.

In the end, their words can only affect you because of how you relate to them, if you change your relationship to your experience, you will also change how much you suffer from them.

 

Maybe this video can help you:

 

 

Do you have some meditative practices that you do daily? What kind of actions are you taking to improve your situation, and yourself, at the moment?

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOf4rIt5V14

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVkSwbJ-sFY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6NAC6ajkH8