On the Edge of Enlightenment or Insanity? Seeking Guidance After Intense Self-Inquiry

[Aether Phoenix]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been following Leo’s content for over 10 years, and I recently had a self-inquiry experience that shook me to the core. I was deep in conversation with a friend, fully engaged, trying to convince him that he doesn’t really know who he is. After about three hours, something shifted, and things started to feel surreal.

Suddenly, my heart began to race, and my awareness changed. I had this strange urge to scratch my eyes, almost like my body was reacting to some internal shift. I felt an intense fear, as if I was fighting to hold on to myself. My friend even said that I was looking a bit insane. He thought I was having a panic attack.

What made the situation even more overwhelming is that my wife, who is going through a tough time, was incredibly upset with me for not being there for her. She has never been this upset before, and it felt like my world was collapsing both internally and externally. It all seemed to happen at once.

To add a bit of irony to the situation, these symptoms started just as an Uber arrived to pick me and my friend up. As I got into the car, I was trying to hold on to my sanity (looking back, it was such a bizarre moment, almost laughable in its absurdity).

Afterward, I had a really sad discussion with my wife, where she expressed her pain, and I felt immense guilt. At the same time, I was terrified to even think about who I am, fearing that I could slip back into those symptoms and lose myself all over again. The fear was overwhelming.

I’ve also been contemplating deeper ideas about time. Just yesterday, I watched a beautiful video by Rupert Spira where, for the first time, I truly grasped that time doesn’t exist. It was a profound and liberating realization. Here’s the video if anyone’s interested: Rupert Spira - Time Doesn’t Exist. While the insight was powerful, everything happening in my life made it hard to fully integrate.

There’s an extra layer of fear for me, though. Both of my parents are schizophrenic, and I have a deep fear of becoming insane. So now I find myself wondering if I should even continue this self-inquiry process. I know I’m seeking external validation by asking this, but maybe I need to take extra care given my family history. Should I keep going, or are there risks I should be aware of?

Any advice, especially from those who have been through similar experiences, would be deeply appreciated. How can I proceed without feeling like I’m losing my mind, or worse, risking the relationships I care about?

Thanks for reading. I could really use some guidance here.

[PurpleTree]

I feel you it’s tough.

Sounds like reality is getting less real.

have you also dabbled in psychedelics?

My mother also had a psychotic break when she was young (not psychedelic induced) and so I was always paranoid to lose my mind when i took psychedelics and I always remember that.

[VeganAwake]

The apparent dilemma is, there already isn't a "You" asking for guidance! It just seems so!

It's either clearly recognized that the seeker is an illusion, or it's not.......its not complex at all!

It just seems to be complex when there seems to be a perceiver perceiving!

So there isn't a real answer, because there isn't a real questioner 😳

❤️ 

Edited October 17 by VeganAwake

[VeganAwake]

If the root illusion isn't seen through, it just runs in endless so-called spiritual circles 🤣

[PurpleTree]

Just now, VeganAwake said:

If the root illusion isn't seen through, it just runs in endless so-called spiritual circles 🤣

It seems like it’s running until it’s tired of running in circles.

[Hojo]

Sounds like a panic attack i used to get them everyday. One day I got one so bad I thought I was dying at work and I called the ambulance and nothing happened. Very embarrassing.

Panic means you are on the right path. 

Edited October 17 by Hojo

[VeganAwake]

1 minute ago, PurpleTree said:

It seems like it’s running until it’s tired of running in circles.

Hehe correct.... don't underestimate though...... It will rest, get back up and continue running in circles 😉....darn illusions lol

❤️ 

[Keryo Koffa]

The truth is inevitable, go at your own pace until you're tired of resisting.

[Malekakisioannis]

@Aether Phoenix sometimes it is just better to take a step back from the constant search. Feelings of anxiety are not signs of development even if many of the spiritual guidance here is going to point to that. I would urge you to chill the internal striving, show some compassion to yourself, you don't have to know everything and maybe you will never will. Your fear of insanity is something you have to face eventually as is any fear you have. But facing something does not mean to obsess over. Maybe it is accepting your vulnerability.

[Exystem]

2 hours ago, Aether Phoenix said:

 

@Aether Phoenix Yes there are risks.

Don't get scared about potential risks, look what you can handle and be true to your intuition.

Self-inquiry can be a radical deconstruction process. People come from different places, it doesn't work the same for everyone. Some people didn't have the emotional/psychological stability in their childhood to develop a clear sense of self. For example, if your parents were not emotionally available, had episodes of extreme delusion or emotional swings, were manipulative, overprotective etc. this could lead to complex trauma and an instable core. For example, if your mother was bipolar, you may have attuned your emotions completely to those of your mother in order to vibe and relate with her. So now you may have difficulty to seperate your emotions from the people around you. You don't know what you really want, what are your own needs and feelings and what are the ones coming from those around your or your projections of these. In this case, you would need radically different form of therapy (structural work) than if you had the chance to develop a stable core and clear sense of self (in which case you can do procecedural work like personal development. Some people first need to get really grounded, get a sense of who they are, what they actually need, what seperates them from others around before they deconstruct their vague sense of self to early, which hasn't even fully functionally developed yet. They may try to solve psychological problems spiritually, which can create a lot of trouble. There are good parts of a stable "self", you don't want to get rid of your survival instincts for example or, as I pointed out before, the clarity which feelings you can perceive in a room full of people belong to you and which are your projections because of the mimic expressions of others. For people with severe trauma in the childhood especially it may be very important that they first get a very structured environment (that's why psychatric clinics can be effectice), where they have such clear processes and know exactly when they relate with whom and what happens next etc. that they have so few triggers from the outside that they get a sense of themselves, so the voice of their own needs and feelings can now be heard.

I took that extreme exanple just to demonstrate that people are at different starting points when they get into such practices like self inquiry. Sadly, many spiritual teachers have absolutely no clue about (complex) trauma, psychological disorders, dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation etc. Most of them don't even know that for some practices like simple meditation there are serious contraindications. For people with special kinds of depression or anxiety issues meditation can be harmful! But lots of spiritual teachers assume their listeners come from a similar place, have similar intentions and are in similar sates of mind. A student may look calm from the outside, but inside they fully press the gas and the break pedal at the same time, they may be in freeze mode most of the time instead of the assumed social mode. They don't get when the teacher speaks of "peace within" and when they hear the word "void" they associate rather the nihilistic, depressive void they are used to, a lack of feelings and aliveness most people can't even imagine. And then they may believe it's their fault, they msut do something wrond and it's not the teachers cluelessness and incapability to relate to someone like them. Seekers like these actually need psychological help, their nervous system is stuck in fight or flight mode or even worse in a freeze Mode, they need to get in intinmate contact with their feelings and needs and not the opposite, dissociating from their reality even further.

It's crucial to know what you want from the technique you practice. Is it truth, or release from suffering? If it is the latter, it may be a hint that what you actually need is some kind of psychological relief, and your spiritual endevors may even push you further away from your goal.

The problems with self inquiry can be of various kinds. It can become a practice that dissociates you further from your feelings and reality in general. If you actually do it because you want to escape from your human condition, if you wish and wait for a magical resolution of your problems, this is a good hint that you actually practice spiritual bypassing which will bite you in the ass.
You may also get to a nice place where everything feels fine as long as you abide in that state which can prolong spiritual seeking unnecessarily. If you believe you should find a self, some core, you are on the wrong track. You may encounter some deep hidden trauma, a part of yourself where lots of surpressed emotions lurk in the dark, which can be very overwhelming if you feel through that (sounds like that in your case).

The key here is:

1. Become clear of your intentions! Do you actually run away from something, project some fancy state into the future where your self dissolves and then everything will be fine forever? As you wouldn't try to learn to manifest water if you are thirsty, but walk to fountain and if your thirst is stilled, then you may try out manifestation, the same way you should go about spirituality and psychology/physiology. Become clear of what you (your body and psyche) needs and if you are satisfied and stable enough (survival is safe), then you can most effectively practice spirituality.

2. Be as authentic in your close relationships as you can. Introduce forms of dialogue that tie you to the consensus world in some sense (like honest sharing for example) so you have a check-up and reality-comparing-mechanism for the relative world. You don't want to be the only one who sees unicorns. No self is fine, but you still want to be able to say: "Please hand me the butter!"

3. Ground yourself! Connect regularly with nature (walk barefoot for example), eat enough and look for a healthy diet with all nutrients - micro and macro, Sleep enough and good (!!!) - a friend of mine once said: "what is the difference between a psychosis and a normal state of mind? - two days no sleep.", make sports and get stuck energies into flow, practice mindfulness stuff that connects you to intimately your senses.

 

Self-inquiry is a beautiful practice and it can help along the journey. For most people it is a great tool to get to the core. But it's not a patent recipe for eceryone. It's important you have good guidance, know how it works and whats the intention behind it, and you practice it with self-compassion and not in a performance-driven, aggressive style. 

Stay connected! Wish you the best <3

2 hours ago, Aether Phoenix said:

 

[Breakingthewall]

@Aether Phoenix my advice is don't believe a single word of what you watch in videos about spirituality. Forget them totally, are toxic food for the mind. 

[Thought Art]

@Aether Phoenix

Sounds like a panic attack. 
 

Why are you speaking to a friend for 3 hours when your wife needs you? If the panic attack and her being upset with you happened at the same time, and she was extremely upset you could have been picking up on her emotions and energy. Sounds like you could spend some time focusing on that relationship and being there for her.
 

The panic attack and your wife’s anger don’t seem like separate things related to awakening or schizophrenia. But, that was my take. 

Edited October 18 by Thought Art

[UnbornTao]

Not sure, it sounds like a story you are telling yourself. Calm down and focus your mind on the contemplation subject itself, or on something constructive. Hope that helps.