Kaleidoscope of Consciousness

[I_Am_Flow]

1. LEAP OF FAITH INTO SOMETHING NEW

https://open.spotify.com/track/6evpAJCR5GeeHDGgv3aXb3

Following inspiration and making this journal. Honesty, value, self-reflection + simply messing around for the sake of balance. 

Short introduction: 27 years old man from Ukraine. Living in the village with my parents. Immature and fearful. Curious and caring. Open-minded to some extent. My hobby is to collect hobbies: juggling, chess, singing, guitar, Rubik's cube, journaling. I like music, movies and watching Actualized.org. I'm quite sensitive but not sure if that's how my nervous system built or result of CPTSD.

It's interesting how posting personal information works. So many filters, some for safety, some for manipulating perception of others (although I was doing my best by being authentic and sincere), some are hiding my dark sides even from myself. Like I have no problem with sharing most of my dark sides (90% of them), but figuring when it's appropriate and will result in something good? Challenging. 

Might be a good decision to start with couple of them?

Dark sides: Virgin and never was on a date. Afraid of some conspiracy theories. In debt to my family. Addicted to manipulating people and feelings of superiority and pride. Ashamed of my body. My room is in unfinished state. I was raised as a Christian and although I like teachings of Christ I don't know about my spiritual standing and still afraid of burning in hell (although not so much) and upcoming end of the world to some extent. 

Meh. Wasn't that hard after all. Couple years of suffering, learning, avoiding into accepting into healing for sure helped to progress. And it feels nice to be honest. 

Side notes: 
- linear form of journals, books, videos feels like limitation sometimes. I might look into other possibilities. At the same time limitations are good for creativity. I'm grateful for most of them in my life. 
-  I think my main thing at this point of life (aside from survival and healing) is connecting hobbies and self-development. Such a fun mix and a field for exploration. Juggling taught me to drop perfectionism and accept mistakes as well as perseverance. Chess improved my holistic thinking, concentration, important of library of patterns and many other things. Rubik's cube.. haven't cracked this one yet, but I'm not surprised it has been called "magic cube" before. 
Maybe this is idea is trash, idk, I'm ready to put it out and do some reality testing. 
- Writing always felt good to me. Took some healing to do and it comes naturally. Just as singing when I'm regulated and calm. Something to keep in mind. 
- Got Leo's booklist this summer. It's funny how year ago it felt costly, but after some work on money mindset the price is just fine, while my income is around the same (1$ an hour LOL). This stuff is epic. If you know - you know

TODO before next post (sprinkle of accountability for actual results)
- start a personal website/blog in the simplest possible form. Just pure HTML+CSS + free hosting (github pages or firebase etc). Fuck you creative block, fears and self-doubt (in the most loving way of course)
- make a simple list of priorities in life, 5-10

YEY!

 
 

[I_Am_Flow]

Fuck everything else other than Love and Life. Fuck trying hard to please and impress others. Fuck to being slave to old habits and beliefs. Fuck saying fuck as a moron. And Fuck self-hate which is over the top right now. I give up numbering my posts before I even started, for the purpose of something greater to emerge. 

It's interesting how as I was writing this I realized that I can go for counter-intuitive approach and apply Love and acceptance to every single thing I mentioned earlier. Inspired by Leo's video about self-acceptance and the practice he gave there. 

I feel very frustrated spiritually, sexually, emotionally, physically. Somewhat better financially and mentally. And on good terms with my creativity and amount of information I have to change things for the better.
I'm not giving up before I solve all most important aspects of life just like a Rubik's Cube. 

___

I'm happy I finished both tasks I listed in a previous post, as even they are super simple mechanically I had a great inner resistance towards both of them. Will keep working on a website without a rush and manage my priorities. Not going to list either of my accomplishments here, at least for now. I feel insecure and protective sharing personal things, as I wasn't accepted for who I am by my parents, at school and I still can't reprogram myself fully. Give up that shame. I'm really a slave to myself to some extent. 

Time to put in some more work on myself. Next step is to keep growing my health, wealth, happiness, creativity, knowledge, persistence, faith. 

Also need more clarity.
How do I get clarity? Writing? Meditation? Talking to others for outside perspective? Prayer? Removing clutter? Sounds good. 

 

[I_Am_Flow]

Slowly getting in alignment with myself. Studying and taking my time with Psycho-Cybernetics + The Book of Not Knowing. Meditating daily. Controlling my information intake. 

Autumn got to me and I'm suddenly feeling lonely. Also feeling trapped in my web of beliefs and worldview. I will get through it. I will get through it. I am getting through it right now, moment by moment. Patience and persistence. Focus and faith. Work and fun. Soaking in every life's moment. Being present. Expressing myself. Forgiving, accepting and loving myself. Achieving dreams, even if they are small ones for now. Noticing the magic of existence.

Fuck it, I do love to write. Maybe this is what is missing out from my life?

P.S. Twin Peaks and Taskmaster are my current watches. Both are breathing with Life, Creativity, Humanity in their own unique way.
P.S.S I want to learn to be grateful for what I have more. This is all about habits and focus. Time to do evening practice for my mental health and just for the fun of it.