Are these woman lying? (Is this Dogma in Dating Culture?)

[bambi]

Just now, Yimpa said:

I don’t think there is a single normal person on this forum.

LOL good point, but maybe average was a better word

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Yimpa said:

I don’t think there is a single normal person on this forum.

Facts 😎

Edited October 15 by Sugarcoat

[Keryo Koffa]

4 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I don’t think there is a single normal person on this forum.

 And now, "most normal actualized.org member":    😁😂

Edited October 15 by Keryo Koffa

[Sugarcoat]

Imagine using only fans girls to understand women as if they act as some representation 😂😂😂 

no offense just thought it was a little funny okay

Edited October 15 by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

Imagine using only fans girls to understand women as if they act as some representation 😂😂😂 

no offense just thought it was a little funny okay

Off not.

 

I use XNXX

Edited October 15 by Schizophonia

[Emerald]

7 minutes ago, Nemra said:

@Emerald, so, basically, you want to be the object of desire, but in your way.

Yes, that's the dynamic that feels secure and exciting to me in romantic contexts. I feel very loved and desired that way.

I tend to do a version of this with friendships too. The people that I feel the most comfortable connecting with and gel the most with are the people who are on the same wavelength and who have a natural appreciation for my values and qualities on their own... prior to knowing that I exist.

Because of my early social experiences of feeling misunderstood, alien, and devalued, I have a spidey-sense about who is going to value my qualities or devalue my qualities. And as much as I can, I avoid social contexts (platonic or romantic) that won't understand or recognize my value. This includes avoiding relationships with men that I feel are unlikely to perceive me as beautiful.

And even back when I was in high school, I dressed in a way that would filter out the wrong ones for me and attract in the right ones for me. I used to dress in a relatively heavy goth style that I'd cobble together from thrift store finds. And it would repel a lot of people who thought I was weird, or a satanist, or a witch, etc.. But it would attract to me people who were more open minded and enjoyed my MO.

So, because I was always feeling a bit like a fish out of water, there was this natural marketing knowledge that arose and a tendency to put myself out there as a beacon to draw in others who are on the same wavelength. 

And since high school, there is this niche marketing myself to a target audience that will appreciate me and repelling the wrong ones. 

And if a potential friend or lover doesn't feel like they're part of my "target audience" that will appreciate me, I will not feel very secure or excited connecting with them.

And this strategy has worked pretty well for me romantically and platonically.

The issue is that it can be a bit self-objectifying.

But I know that this type of pattern also has come up for lots of my clients who have dealt with dynamics around shame, disconnection, abandonment, alienation, ostracisms, etc. 

People who generally have these needs met by family and friends, tend to feel less of a need to niche market themselves to a target audience as they already have a social fabric to connect in to.

For those who have deficits in these areas, we have to do the leg work to find the ones that are cut from the same cloth.

[Emerald]

43 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

You’re obsessive neurotic.

You literally tacitly explain that you’re think you’re a shit and therefore that your main strategy to feel loved (have power) is to suppose that « he is desperate enough.

It’s terrible.

It's not about the man being desperate. And I don't see myself as shit, though I have had issues with shame and belonging that probably play into this preference quite a bit.

It's really about the man recognizing my value.

I feel the most loved when I am valued and seen as beautiful in the eyes of another.

There's this nice pleasant heart-opening feeling when I feel like the beloved of the relationship. And that feeling is what compels me the most towards romantic connection.

And if I feel like he's more attractive than me, it will be difficult for me to feel like the beloved. And I won't be able to feel that heart opening and connecting will feel awkward.

[Nemra]

@Emerald, I have the same mindset as you. Interesting.

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, Nemra said:

@Emerald, I have the same mindset as you. Interesting.

I think a lot of people end up doing some version of this social strategy. It think it's a tendency that a lot of people with avoidant attachment have.

The opposite social strategy is common as well but leans more towards anxious attachment. 

This is where people seek more attractive and higher status people to fit in with and be desired by to bolster their feelings of worthiness. 

And I have a friend who goes for guys who he perceives as more attractive than him. And it puts him more in an anxiously attached mode with these men as it makes him feel like he's on the back foot.

But for me, I don't really value it when someone is more attractive than me. And I tend to find ways to be the peacock as that feels more secure to me, and I can relax and open up and be myself more.

[UpperMaster]

woah what the flip

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Spiritual Warfare said:

That’s great, but I wasn’t talking about whether he was better looking than you. I meant, if you were equally attractive, would it bother you?

If I felt he was equally attractive as a woman compared to him as a man, it wouldn't bother me.

I tend to see women as more physically attractive than men. My perception is that women are the peacocks of the species, and men are the peahens. This of course, is a social value. In Ancient Greece, they believed the opposite.

So in my eyes, the most attractive woman is more attractive than the most attractive man.

So if he and I were hypothetically equally attractive for our specific genders, I'd still see myself as more attractive because I am female and he is male. And it wouldn't create the awkward feeling.

[Nemra]

28 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But for me, I don't really value it when someone is more attractive than me. And I tend to find ways to be the peacock as that feels more secure to me, and I can relax and open up and be myself more.

More attractive in what ways?

When you say that someone is more attractive than you, you mean from others' perspective?

Others must be more attractive in different ways for you to be attracted to them, right?

Edited October 15 by Nemra

[Emerald]

5 minutes ago, Nemra said:

More attractive in what ways?

when you say more attractive than you, you mean from others' perspective?

Others must be more attractive in different ways for you to be attracted to them, right?

I mean more attractive in a physical way specifically. And I mean from my perspective.

And yes, they must have other attractive features, and they must be proximal to my level of physical attractiveness (the same or slightly less).

[Schizophonia]

@Emerald @Sugarcoat

It’s just disappointing to see women suggesting that you can’t really admire  them because they would be less attractive. This is delusional.

Nevermind.

[bambi]

1 minute ago, Schizophonia said:

@Emerald @Sugarcoat

It’s just disappointing to see women suggesting that you can’t really admire  them because they would be less attractive. This is delusional.

Nevermind.

How are you getting that from their posts? Emerald has low self esteem issues, and accordingly selects people that wont explicitly trigger her low self esteem and feeling of unworthiness.

Its not about guys admiring them, what are you talking about?

[Schizophonia]

5 minutes ago, bambi said:

How are you getting that from their posts? Emerald has low self esteem issues, and accordingly selects people that wont explicitly trigger her low self esteem and feeling of unworthiness.

Yes, that’s what I’ve said.

Quote

Its not about guys admiring them, what are you talking about?

That’s what has been suggested tacitly. + Why are you so trigger by me lol.

Just think of me as a somewhat dry psychoanalysis fan and that's it.

Edited October 15 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

I can simp too that said 

quack quack 

Ok too much Actualized for today.

[bambi]

3 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Yes, that’s what I’ve said.

That’s what has been suggested tacitly. + Why are you so trigger by me lol.

Just think of me as a somewhat dry psychoanalysis fan and that's it.

Becuase it seems your analysis sucks.

She wants to be admired by men, and probably women too (shes has narcissistic traits), and having a more attractive partner would negate the admiration and attention she would recieved. She has stated this multiple times

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Schizophonia said:

@Emerald @Sugarcoat

It’s just disappointing to see women suggesting that you can’t really admire  them because they would be less attractive. This is delusional.

Nevermind.

Can you clarify what you mean? 

It doesn't seem to fit with what I was talking about.

I was talking about feeling most secure, desired, and loved when a guy sees me as valuable and beautiful. And if a guy is very physically attractive, it brings up doubts that he will value me that way. And so, it makes me associate the idea of being with a male model-looking guy with feelings of awkwardness.

Are you disappointed that I'm not attracted to guys that look like super models?

Or are you interpreting that I don't let myself admire men in general? If so, this isn't true. I'm very attracted to the men that I get attracted to. 

It isn't like "Yay! He's a desperate pathetic fool. He'll like me. And I hate myself, so I have to pick from the bottom of the barrell."

It's more like, "I really like a lot of things about him, and I find him physically attractive. But I recognize that he's a bit older than me or a little less conventionally attractive than me. So, he's going to be excited that I'm attracted to him."

And being on the receiving end of that excitement is exciting to me.

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, bambi said:

Becuase it seems your analysis sucks.

She wants to be admired by men, and probably women too (shes has narcissistic traits), and having a more attractive partner would negate the admiration and attention she would recieved. She has stated this multiple times

I don't understand why you're trying to shoot arrows at me all the time and attack me personally.

What did I do to you to deserve this unkindness?