Somewhat trippy insights on attraction (for guys and girls)

[Jayson G]

Disclaimer: These are just my personal insights. I'm not trying to say I'm the right one here. I'm just sharing some interesting insights I had, from my own experience. 

I think these insights are pretty different from what I hear everywhere, so I'll share some of these insights. 

I'm a 28 year old single guy. I had relationships one after another for 8 years, and took a break for 2 years until now to focus more on myself. But past 4 or so months, I've just focused on socializing with all kinds of people because I've been anti-social with building my businesses aggressively. 

These days I live in New Jersey, and about 3 to 4 times per week after I finish my work, I get in the car and ask myself: Should I take a left on route 1 and go to New York, or should I take a right on route 1 and go to Pennsylvania? 

I either go to New York to get in the city kind of vibe, which is social. I go to Pennsylvania because it puts me in a state of being where I fall in love with life, connect to the mountains. (I usually drive to Poconos. It's a 5 hour round trip.) 

It's almost like 2 different personalities I have when I'm in New York or Pennsylvania. 

So today was Sunday. I reached Poconos at 11 pm. There's a town I always go to. It's usually always empty. I go there to just walk the streets alone at night, look through the windows of shops that are closed, which has unique lighted displays. I walk the train tracks there that go around the mountains. It's lit up though. It's really beautiful and feels somewhat spiritual. 

Usually when I come here, there's no one there because I usually arrive late night on a random day in this small town in Poconos. But today I saw this girl walking her dog. She's just in some home outfit, as she just stepped out of the house to walk her dog. I wouldn't have said anything, but she had a Corgi dog, and I never saw one before, so I struck up a conversation. I actually really was interested in that Corgi because its all over social media and I never saw one. We ended up talking once, and then went our separate ways, but crossed paths again and talked again even longer. 

But I really connected with her. She was pretty to me, but not like the prettiest girl by common social standards. 

Then as I was driving back home, on a 2 hour drive approximately, I was just reflecting a lot on attraction and connection. 

I think the last time I really connected with a girl was my ex girlfriend years ago. I've talked to many girls since then, but I guess I didn't connect. But today I actually felt a deeper connection with this girl. 

And on the drive here's some insights I came up with: 

1) Looks is not everything to a guy (Insight for girls and guys), every guy is different, and every girl is different. 

I think on this forum and elsewhere online there's this notion going around that guys only care about looks. And of course we do. I care about a girl's looks too. But it's not like we're always going for the prettiest girl. 

I remember years ago I was talking to my friend and he's like "I mainly look at her a** and t*ts." I was actually shocked because I thought all guys look at the face. And now if you ask me, I care about her face, but much more her personality. If a girl is bubbly, and cute, then that's pretty attractive, in my opinion. 

But guys can fall in a trap of rating girls. I've done this before, and reducing someone to a rating is not only detrimental to girls, but I realized it cuts a lot of psychology off within me. (If that makes sense) As in, when you think in a reductionist way in general, you cut yourself off SO MANY possibilities. As a guy, why would you want to do that? You lose the discovery of what you really want in a girl, and I think that closes you off to a lot of possibilities, great experiences, etc. 

I realized that there's all kinds of people out there, guys and girls. Every human being is unique. They all have their own unique world of details. Staying on the surface in interacting with people, and disconnecting yourself from that world of details and distinctions is what is closing you off to what you really want, who you really are and seeing the world more accurately. 

2) Environment plays such an interesting role in attraction 

This whole New York vs. Pennsylvania thing is kind of trippy to me. 

I'm trying to make sense of it, just to myself. 

I'm wondering why did I connect with this girl after a long time. 

I remember being in a club with my friend, just having fun and hitting up many girls. But I didn't really emotionally connect with those girls. It was a club environment. I don't think you're meant to be in a spiritual, loving state in a club, and therefore the attraction you feel in a club is very different. 

Whereas when I was in the mountains today at 11 pm, and already in a loving, curious state before even meeting her, that played a really interesting role in attraction. The attraction was a different kind of attraction. (Maybe there are different kinds of attraction.) As in, the environment played a key role in the connection, but also the state of being that I was in because of the environment, and possibly the state of being that she is in because of the environment, and state of being that she is in because of the state of being that I was in, and the environment around us being very calm, conducive to a deeper conversation about life. Also I realized, because I wasn't even trying to pick her up, and the whole interaction was organic and natural, made me feel connected to her more. 

But then I was thinking, if I met this Corgi girl in New York instead of Pennsylvania, I'm not so sure I would have connected with her in the same way. 

I don't know why but New York typically puts me in a more materialistic state of mind, emotion and being. I have a feeling it does that to others as well. Everyone is in a rush. I also think New York can be dehumanizing at times. I would see a homeless person in New York and often be numb to their struggle. But in this town in Pennsylvania, I saw a struggling old man once and did everything to help him, because of the environment. Of course genuine connection happens in New York as well, but I think the norm is surface-level interaction throughout. Of course going to New York is nice too in many ways, but its just different, not better nor worse.

3) Ultimately, all we want is intimacy and connection. 

I think when you really connect with someone, a lot of things that you cared about will fall out the window. Of course being strategic matters in selecting a partner. 

But it's so weird how the entire internet puts so much value on superficiality. And then when you actually connect with someone, you can see the superficiality for what it really is online. 

Edited October 14 by Jayson G

[Sandhu]

No summary. TLDR. 

[Buck Edwards]

Just because someone appears to be superficial doesn't mean they are really that way. And just because someone appears to be spiritually deep, doesn't mean they are spiritual, they could turn out shallow later.

I met a 1000 guys in the past. Both superficial and deep. All kinds. The most superficial ones were the ones that boasted themselves as spiritual. One guy told me "I'm not like other guys. I don't think with my dick." Then his very first full conversation with me was all about sex and seducing me. It's like that. I was surprised by his irony. He said something "I'm not the dick first, questions later guy." Lmao.

Then I thought a guy was into me just for sex. And his first conversations were all about that. But surprisingly as time went on, his conversations were deeper and about different things both intellectual and spiritual and he was not too interested to talk about sex. I thought that I jumped the gun and judged him wrongly. 

People might give out superficial vibes but they can be different inside. People can give this whole deep character vibe and turn out completely vapid and shallow in the end. We tend to judge people narrowly. It's only when we talk to them for long periods of time that we slowly see them for who they really are. 

A girl could be shaking her ass and tits while walking down the street and you might think she is being cheap and shallow but that girl might have a golden heart and a deep need to connect spiritually with a man. You never know. So don't just keep your heart open. Also keep your eyes open. Our eyes deceive us through our own biases and perceptions. Reality is far more intimate and intricate than what meets the eye. 

 

Some guys are into spirituality just for the ego. They feel they are great. 

 

Edited October 14 by Buck Edwards

[Jayson G]

1 minute ago, Buck Edwards said:

Just because someone appears to be superficial doesn't mean they are really that way. And just because someone appears to be spiritually deep, doesn't mean they are spiritual. 

I met a 1000 guys in the past. Both superficial and deep. All kinds. The most superficial ones were the ones that boasted themselves spiritual. One guy told me "I'm not like other guys. I don't think with my dick." Then his very first full conversation with me was all about sex and seducing me. It's like that. I was surprised by his irony. He said something "I'm not the dick first, questions later guy." Lmao.

Then I thought a guy was into me just for sex. And his first conversations were all about that. But surprisingly as time went on, his conversations were deeper and about different things both intellectual and spiritual and he was not too interested to talk about sex. I thought that I jumped the gun and judged him wrongly. 

People might give out superficial vibes but they can be different inside. People can give this whole deep character vibe and turn out completely vapid and shallow in the end. We tend to judge people narrowly. It's only when we talk to them for long periods of time that we slowly see them for who they really are. 

A girl could be shaking her ass and tits while walking down the street and you might think she is being cheap and shallow but that girl might have a golden heart and a deep need to connect spirituality with a man. You never know. So don't just keep your heart open. Also keep your eyes open. Our eyes deceive us through our own biases and perceptions. Reality is far more intimate and intricate than what meets the eye. 

@Buck Edwards Yeah that's interesting. People have a whole world of their own. It's hard to see that world unless you explore it, and then you really see whether you want to be a part of that world or not. 

But whether or not people have depth or not, I realized most of us interact on the surface. I guess its worthwhile to penetrate the surface and go deeper with people. 

"So don't just keep your heart open. Also keep your eyes open. Our eyes deceive us through our own biases and perceptions. Reality is far more intimate and intricate than what meets the eye." - This is very well said, in my opinion. 

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Jayson G said:

@Buck Edwards Yeah that's interesting. People have a whole world of their own. It's hard to see that world unless you explore it, and then you really see whether you want to be a part of that world or not. 

But whether or not people have depth or not, I realized most of us interact on the surface. I guess its worthwhile to penetrate the surface and go deeper with people. 

"So don't just keep your heart open. Also keep your eyes open. Our eyes deceive us through our own biases and perceptions. Reality is far more intimate and intricate than what meets the eye." - This is very well said, in my opinion. 

True. 

[Jayson G]

26 minutes ago, Sandhu said:

No summary. TLDR. 

@Sandhu I don't really have a good TLDR here, but I'm just realizing that its rare when my real authentic self comes out in an interaction, and when it does, it makes all the difference. We want depth and connection, and a big part of that involves being connected to life, spiritually, and emotionally. 

 

[Emerald]

That's a very interesting thing to explore regarding environment and intimacy.

One thing I noticed about myself is that, when I'm in certain environments, I'm able to access more compassion for others compared to when I'm in other environments.

Like when I've attended Ayahuasca ceremonies, it becomes really clear that people's neuroses are coming from deeper vulnerabilities and wounds. But in other contexts, this isn't as immediately obvious to me and judgments can arise more easily.

And in hostile argumentative online spaces, it's like I can get into a mode where I go semi-unconscious to people's humanity and I start viewing people in a flatter way.

So, it sparks an interest in social engineering and creating spaces for more harmony and connection. And it makes me wonder what the ripple effect of existing in such spaces would be if that became the vibe and the culture of all/most human environments.

[aurum]

16 hours ago, Jayson G said:

I think on this forum and elsewhere online there's this notion going around that guys only care about looks. And of course we do. I care about a girl's looks too. But it's not like we're always going for the prettiest girl. 

I remember years ago I was talking to my friend and he's like "I mainly look at her a** and t*ts." I was actually shocked because I thought all guys look at the face. And now if you ask me, I care about her face, but much more her personality. If a girl is bubbly, and cute, then that's pretty attractive, in my opinion. 

It's order of operations.

Without a baseline of physical attractiveness and energetic polarity, I can't appreciate her "higher qualities" like intelligence or maturity. She would just be a good platonic friend.

[Jayson G]

6 hours ago, Emerald said:

That's a very interesting thing to explore regarding environment and intimacy.

One thing I noticed about myself is that, when I'm in certain environments, I'm able to access more compassion for others compared to when I'm in other environments.

Like when I've attended Ayahuasca ceremonies, it becomes really clear that people's neuroses are coming from deeper vulnerabilities and wounds. But in other contexts, this isn't as immediately obvious to me and judgments can arise more easily.

And in hostile argumentative online spaces, it's like I can get into a mode where I go semi-unconscious to people's humanity and I start viewing people in a flatter way.

So, it sparks an interest in social engineering and creating spaces for more harmony and connection. And it makes me wonder what the ripple effect of existing in such spaces would be if that became the vibe and the culture of all/most human environments.

@Emerald I think there's a lot going on in each of those environments. 

Like in the Ayahuasca thing, I'm just guessing, but you are all meeting with certain individual intentions, shared intentions, the belonging that those shared intentions create, and I guess just a space to be vulnerable which allows you to see those wounds more easily. 

With online spaces, maybe we perhaps take on some kind of false pixelated identity lol I don't know. Or maybe it's just the nature of the medium, which happens to be very limited in the distinctions we can access. I actually wish to understand this deeper too. I don't even know where to look to understand this deeper, because I don't see this discussed much. 

But that's a really interesting idea about creating spaces like that. There's a lot there: Taking existing environments that happen to foster limited connection, like the streets of New York, and making them more harmonious, as well as creating new spaces like that that humans haven't thought of before. 

It's good you still have faith in humanity lol to potentially reach a point where all environments could be like that. I'm not so sure we would ever reach that point, just from the history of wars since forever, or perhaps the human nature for war and strategy, and all that. Then again, war also does bring people together. Sept 11 brought people together, very oddly. I honestly wish to understand this more. I think about it every now and then, how good it would be if the world united more, came together, connected more. 

[Jayson G]

4 hours ago, aurum said:

It's order of operations.

Without a baseline of physical attractiveness and energetic polarity, I can't appreciate her "higher qualities" like intelligence or maturity. She would just be a good platonic friend.

@aurum Yeah actually I thought about what you said for a while, and I would say that's pretty true in my experience as well. 

That's pretty spot on. 

In my experience, that's not "absolute", but its a good model for how I work, and perhaps a lot of men. 

You bring up some interesting qualities too, that I never explicitly told myself. I too care about intelligence and maturity, perhaps after personality, and physical attractiveness would be one of my tops. But at the same time physical attractiveness is pretty complex if you go into the weeds of it. 

Energetic polarity is interesting. I never heard that before. But I like the sound of that lol