Can I transcend my anxiety and lack of purpose and self worth?

[Inwhitelight]

I'm a 30 year old woman looking for guidance. Any perspective is appreciated. I feel stressed and lost, but I have never been more ready to change the trajectory of my life.

I tried keeping this short but if my text is too long you can skip to the questions further down. 

I’ve been working on my self for most of my twenties, like most people I guess. I went to therapy, did some shadow work, yoga, mediation, had experiences with ayuascha in Santo Daime ceremonies and in general improved my habits a little by little - but I’m still painfully self aware and awkward, with low self esteem and difficulties trusting others. My body gets easily triggered - waves of shame and stress flow through me for the smallest thing like saying the wrong word, bumping into someone or getting honked at by a car in the street. As I child my family assumed I was just shy and that it would sort itself out, but it never did. In fact it got much worse before it got better.

I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I got on SSRIs a couple of years for depression, but I felt it only numbed the symptoms so I quit. I got checked for ADHD but that was inconclusive. I went to group therapy for general anxiety, which helped a bit. At this point I have just assumed it's a mix of trauma, cptsd, ocd, genes and personality. I’m tired of looking for diagnosies and I want to take responsibility for my life and accept the things I can’t control.

I grew up with a single mom - my dad lived far away but supported us financially. I never lacked clothes, food or toys. I met him every few months or so, but it wasn’t enough for me to form a strong connection with him as I grew older. I was a shy kid and he was a man of few words. He died a few years ago from cancer. My mom was often emotionally unpredictable but she provided food, routine, story times and hugs. She later got diagnosed with ptsd and ME. I often felt responsible for her emotions growing up. I still love her and talk to her, but being too close to her takes a toll on my mental health.

I had a best friend that was manipulative and always testing my limits. She could put me on 'time out' if I said the wrong thing. She would belittle me and question my decisions and actions. Despite all that, she was my best friend, we had known each other since kindergarten after all. At 16 she was killed in a mass shooting. It took a long time to process that friendship and the brutal end of it. For many years I could only remember the bad things, but in the end she was the only one closest to me besides my mom. It felt like I lost a big piece of my life when she died.

I have a half-sister that was in her teens when I was born and I really liked being with her, but she moved out at 18. She never had a good relationship with our mom and was probably eager to start her own life. The older I get the more I realise how different we are. I moved from my hometown over a decade ago and I’ve realised that I don’t really know my family anymore, I don't think I ever did. I feel like they let me down, but they probably did their best. I don’t know what family is anymore apart from illusions and wishful thinking. I’ve narrowed in on a lot of negatives, but there were a lot of good things as well which I am grateful for.

Right now I’m in a stable relationship, I have a few close friends and I feel much better than I did just a year ago. I’ve learned to overcome my social anxiety in many ways and despite my awkwardness I believe I will always manage to build meaningful relationships. However, I lack purpose and self worth. I have an education in art, worked in a kindergarten, then a warehouse and now I'm doing a one year course in pedagogy in art and design as part of me trying to increase my knowledge and chances at getting a more meaningful job.

 

Problem nr 1) I can’t talk in front of a group larger than 2-3 people without getting anxious. The first month of my studies my body was in a non-stop stress response. I could barely remember anything from the lectures because I couldn’t get my body to relax. It's better now, but as the anxiety quiets the self doubt emerges. I've started going to improv theatre workshops as a form of exposure therapy for this, but I don't think that's enough. How do I grab my inferiority complex by the horns and dare to truly be myself when I feel like the things I know and the person I am have no value or isn’t applicable in any useful way?

Problem nr 2) I haven't done anything of value yet. I can’t remember a time when I trusted myself and my abilities to do anything. I feel useless and I so desperately want to be useful. I'm good at some things within the creative sphere but not as good as many others. I’m not even sure I want to become a teacher, considering how much I doubt my self. I think I could enjoy teaching at a later stage in life when I have more experience, but with the studies I'm diving in head first, getting work experience I don't feel ready for at all. I want to contribute to making a better world, but I don't know how. Is there a chance I will ever create real value for this world? I feel lacking in time and motivation. How can I know where to start?

Problem nr 3) Everything has a sense of meaningless to it. I’ve often had difficulties accepting the state of the world and the realities of it all. Ideally if I were to follow my ideals from when I was young I probably should have exited this world a long time ago. I’m so disappointed of the way we treat each other and the earth. There’s so much knowledge everywhere, from the depths of our own hearts to the core of the trees and flowers. Yet we keep on killing and allowing systems of destruction and distraction continue. Every sort of profession I consider melts away when I start to think about «what’s the point?». How do I navigate job searching and further education when it feels meaningless in the grand scheme of things?

For the first time in my life there's a tiny feeling growing inside me, telling me that I can do difficult things. I can do what I want to, even if it's scary, and it's okay to struggle on the way. However, I feel like I'm so late to realising this.. And what if there's something fundamentally wrong with me? Is it too late for me to create the life I want? How do I create a life in line with the highest good?

This is my first ever forum post online and I'm very curious to see your responses. I'm very grateful for Leos work, and for having an opportunity to reach likeminded souls through this forum.. I haven't listened to him in a while but it always feels comforting when I do. His words has often provided me with much needed illumination on some of my darkest days. 

 

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

[Thought Art]

You can do it. Get the life purpose course! 

[Inwhitelight]

11 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

You can do it. Get the life purpose course! 

I'm hopeful:) That course has been on my list for quite some time, maybe I should finally give it a go

[NoSelfSelf]

I was like that, any little thing triggered me to the point if you triggered me in the morning, i would be fucked by it even the next day 😂. I shifted it all until i started to focus on right things.

Edited October 12 by NoSelfSelf

[Thought Art]

@Inwhitelight

 

1. Public Speaking: Join Toast Masters group. Super kind and helpful and you can totally break that fear simply by doing it. They do table topics where you can speak for 1 minute which is a great way to get started.

2. You can create real value. Life purpose course helps with that.

3. It's not too late you are very young. You recognizing that you want to change is perfect. You got this.

[Raze]

Try ifs therapy, transform your self by Steve Andreas, and break through difficult emotions by Shinzen young 

Edited October 12 by Raze

[Basman]

One thing you have to consider when it comes to meaning is that meaning is fundamentally a projection of the human mind. The way our minds conceptualize and perceive meaning is inherently human centric and driven by our needs and desires, which betrays meaning as arbitrary in the absolute sense. The distinction between objects and tools for example. Such distinction don't exist in nature outside of a human perspective. There is no difference between a hammer and a rock from a non-human perspective. This logic extends to the meaning we assign to our work and ourselves, We value certain kinds of work because they help our community in a certain kind of way and fulfill us personally. It is a highly human way to see reality, in terms of meaning. Meaning is essentially an arbitrary distinction regardless of how meaningful something is to us.

Assuming its true that we as humans create meaning and project it unto the world, consider that it doesn't really matter if things are meaningless in the grand scheme of things because we are the only ones that care about such. The "grand" doesn't have an agenda like that. If everything is meaningless in the grand scheme of things you will still feel certain things are meaningful to you personally. Something you'd pay to do for its own sake. Like petting kittens, raising children, helping others, be a teacher, make art, being a good lover, ending the day feeling like you've been an asset, etc.

Absolute meaninglessness is a good thing because it enables the freedom to live according to your values. It would suck if the classical biblical god existed and demanded that we live according to his values and his alone. You have the freedom to pursue your values, which is what you want. You are probably just not sure what they are exactly.

[Basman]

Its not too late to change your life. You'll just have less energy and more responsibilities as you get older.

[Princess Arabia]

3 hours ago, Inwhitelight said:

I've been trying to fix myself for so long.

I'm responding to the whole post, but only quoted this part because it's essential for why you're going through what you're going through. My response might sound woo woo but it's up to you to get what I'm saying or not. Some try to exclude these Universal truths and end up in positions like yours or other unnecessary challenges of other kinds.

Except for the obvious illness or biological deformities etc, that needs to be attended to and return to balance, THERE'S NOTHING TO FIX. The very notion of you thinking you need to fix yourself IS THE VERY THING THAT IS CAUSING YOUR INTERNAL PAIN. Imagine a table in perfect order, nothing wrong with it and you're trying to fix a broken leg where there's none. What would that look like. (that's just a random eg and can be extrapolated to anything). You would get frustrated and worn out trying to fix something that didn't need fixing. If you tell yourself you need fixing then you have, by your own claim CREATED something to fix. The mind now has to imagine things and put into your psyche things to fix. It will not work because it's all imaginary. (I don't mean that in the existential sense, but more on a practical level as you thinking about something, imagining something). The mind loves to solve problems and if it believes there's something there that is not, it will try to find the answers where there's none. It doesn't understand that it's not a real thing and it will create things that calls for tangible, real solutions in the physical world. 

Imagine trying to get rid of a ghost by shooting it with a gun, or trying to hit a thought with a hammer to make it go away. Same thing. I'm not saying don't go to therapy etc, what i'm saying is, do it under the mindset of maybe I might get to understand what the mind is doing, or why do I feel there's something wrong with me or to try and understand your emotions and anxiety or try to see where you can get better at understanding the underlying reason as to why you feel there's something wrong. That takes a special type of therapy; but not try to fix anything. Trying to fix implies you know there's something wrong and need to find solutions on how to fix it, VS reaching out for help as to why you have those beliefs and recognizing they are false, and trying to find solutions on how to replace those beliefs.

I will also suggest that you try to not include those past stories about your mom and sister and half-sister and all those stories of the past into your quest for help in trying to defeat your challenges. All that does us feed the mind some more of why it thinks it needs to fix something. It doesn't realize that that is partially the cause of your challenges because of not being able to stay present but live in the past and future. You have created those memories again and again and again, and is the reason why you cannot get pass this. Please understand what I'm saying, it's chain of events for the mind, NOT REALITY. 

This comment is already long even though I could go on to say a lot more, to get you to really grasp what i'm saying and I've seen cases like yours over and over again and they all are under the same category - living in the past, having beliefs that triggers certain emotions that makes the body relive those circumstances and not being able to recognize that they are doing this unconsciously. It's the things in common that all you have in cases like these. You're not alone; in fact, it's quite common. I'll stop here, any questions feel free to ask. 

[KoryKat]

On 10/12/2024 at 1:57 PM, Inwhitelight said:

I'm a 30 year old woman looking for guidance. Any perspective is appreciated. I feel stressed and lost, but I have never been more ready to change the trajectory of my life.

I tried keeping this short but if my text is too long you can skip to the questions further down. 

I’ve been working on my self for most of my twenties, like most people I guess. I went to therapy, did some shadow work, yoga, mediation, had experiences with ayuascha in Santo Daime ceremonies and in general improved my habits a little by little - but I’m still painfully self aware and awkward, with low self esteem and difficulties trusting others. My body gets easily triggered - waves of shame and stress flow through me for the smallest thing like saying the wrong word, bumping into someone or getting honked at by a car in the street. As I child my family assumed I was just shy and that it would sort itself out, but it never did. In fact it got much worse before it got better.

I've been trying to fix myself for so long. I got on SSRIs a couple of years for depression, but I felt it only numbed the symptoms so I quit. I got checked for ADHD but that was inconclusive. I went to group therapy for general anxiety, which helped a bit. At this point I have just assumed it's a mix of trauma, cptsd, ocd, genes and personality. I’m tired of looking for diagnosies and I want to take responsibility for my life and accept the things I can’t control.

I grew up with a single mom - my dad lived far away but supported us financially. I never lacked clothes, food or toys. I met him every few months or so, but it wasn’t enough for me to form a strong connection with him as I grew older. I was a shy kid and he was a man of few words. He died a few years ago from cancer. My mom was often emotionally unpredictable but she provided food, routine, story times and hugs. She later got diagnosed with ptsd and ME. I often felt responsible for her emotions growing up. I still love her and talk to her, but being too close to her takes a toll on my mental health.

I had a best friend that was manipulative and always testing my limits. She could put me on 'time out' if I said the wrong thing. She would belittle me and question my decisions and actions. Despite all that, she was my best friend, we had known each other since kindergarten after all. At 16 she was killed in a mass shooting. It took a long time to process that friendship and the brutal end of it. For many years I could only remember the bad things, but in the end she was the only one closest to me besides my mom. It felt like I lost a big piece of my life when she died.

I have a half-sister that was in her teens when I was born and I really liked being with her, but she moved out at 18. She never had a good relationship with our mom and was probably eager to start her own life. The older I get the more I realise how different we are. I moved from my hometown over a decade ago and I’ve realised that I don’t really know my family anymore, I don't think I ever did. I feel like they let me down, but they probably did their best. I don’t know what family is anymore apart from illusions and wishful thinking. I’ve narrowed in on a lot of negatives, but there were a lot of good things as well which I am grateful for.

Right now I’m in a stable relationship, I have a few close friends and I feel much better than I did just a year ago. I’ve learned to overcome my social anxiety in many ways and despite my awkwardness I believe I will always manage to build meaningful relationships. However, I lack purpose and self worth. I have an education in art, worked in a kindergarten, then a warehouse and now I'm doing a one year course in pedagogy in art and design as part of me trying to increase my knowledge and chances at getting a more meaningful job.

 

Problem nr 1) I can’t talk in front of a group larger than 2-3 people without getting anxious. The first month of my studies my body was in a non-stop stress response. I could barely remember anything from the lectures because I couldn’t get my body to relax. It's better now, but as the anxiety quiets the self doubt emerges. I've started going to improv theatre workshops as a form of exposure therapy for this, but I don't think that's enough. How do I grab my inferiority complex by the horns and dare to truly be myself when I feel like the things I know and the person I am have no value or isn’t applicable in any useful way?

Problem nr 2) I haven't done anything of value yet. I can’t remember a time when I trusted myself and my abilities to do anything. I feel useless and I so desperately want to be useful. I'm good at some things within the creative sphere but not as good as many others. I’m not even sure I want to become a teacher, considering how much I doubt my self. I think I could enjoy teaching at a later stage in life when I have more experience, but with the studies I'm diving in head first, getting work experience I don't feel ready for at all. I want to contribute to making a better world, but I don't know how. Is there a chance I will ever create real value for this world? I feel lacking in time and motivation. How can I know where to start?

Problem nr 3) Everything has a sense of meaningless to it. I’ve often had difficulties accepting the state of the world and the realities of it all. Ideally if I were to follow my ideals from when I was young I probably should have exited this world a long time ago. I’m so disappointed of the way we treat each other and the earth. There’s so much knowledge everywhere, from the depths of our own hearts to the core of the trees and flowers. Yet we keep on killing and allowing systems of destruction and distraction continue. Every sort of profession I consider melts away when I start to think about «what’s the point?». How do I navigate job searching and further education when it feels meaningless in the grand scheme of things?

For the first time in my life there's a tiny feeling growing inside me, telling me that I can do difficult things. I can do what I want to, even if it's scary, and it's okay to struggle on the way. However, I feel like I'm so late to realising this.. And what if there's something fundamentally wrong with me? Is it too late for me to create the life I want? How do I create a life in line with the highest good?

This is my first ever forum post online and I'm very curious to see your responses. I'm very grateful for Leos work, and for having an opportunity to reach likeminded souls through this forum.. I haven't listened to him in a while but it always feels comforting when I do. His words has often provided me with much needed illumination on some of my darkest days. 

 

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

all paradoxes get reconciled - you can change the way your relation to the internal/external world , like instead of pain being pain, you can re-associate pain as pleasure --- you can rewire yourself any way (and there are countless cases of how it goes wrong, like people wiring themselves to fall in love with a chandlier, i kid you not)

 

[Inwhitelight]

@Princess Arabia Thank you for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to write. I think I understand what you're saying. I have tried to look at my life from that perspective, as it is something that comes up in several modalities of healing and inner work. However, when my body becomes triggered from seemingly mundane situations I have a tendency to feel like there is something wrong, like my wires are faulty or that my software is malfunctioning. Every therapist I've been to has asked me about my life, family and past traumas and it has to some degree been helpful to share those things with an outsider, giving me new perspectives and validation for my experience.

I feel ready to not let my past define me, but I think it will require time and patience. I have begun to let go of the stories I tell myself, or rather I have created more space around them, especially through my meditation practice. I am much more than these stories I was stuck in for so long. I think it's scary but also liberating. I've felt so alone, but I know that's part of the journey. I wish I had a family I could seek comfort in, but I'm thankful for all the opportunities I have in my life, I just need faith in myself and courage to walk the path I'm meant to walk. Just reaching out on this forum was a challenge, but I'm happy to have reached a stage where I am ready to be vulnerable and seek connection and guidance from others.

[Yimpa]

59 minutes ago, Inwhitelight said:

I wish I had a family I could seek comfort in

Oh yes, you can create this as well. Family does not have to mean biological.

[Heaven]

@Princess Arabia I can’t agree more with your comment. I think that meditation can really help maintain this feeling and make it second nature. The brain will come up with many problems to solve but in Truth everything is fine. Of course if you have some real financial/health issues so you will need to take actions to change it.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxAajtqS_XE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRnEti4g57k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri4-HZxcEJg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1AjuygSNos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUH2XzXFZMs

 

Edited November 19 by Raze