Letting go of an ex has been really challenging for me

**NoSelfSelf** · October 11

3 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Of course, I see what you're saying here. What you describe alot though, is how to only be for yourself while never focusing on the other's needs. That's where I see the error. We have to first nurture ourselves before we can nurture others in an effective way but while still taking into consideration their wants, needs and desires.

Only if they showed they are worthy i told you already you dont listen.Also you misunderstand one is a selfish person but a selfless lover.If a woman is part of my program and shows cooparation, then im taking her as part of my world so her needs,wants are not met but exeeded.Her expectations and how she sees the relationships is broken her reality shift that's game its senting shivers down my spine when i talk about it 😄.

LukeZ · October 11

You may want to check out Alan Robarge on YouTube and find the video you feel best suits your situation. He's explained attachment related topics really well for the most part.

Princess Arabia · October 11

20 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

its senting shivers down my spine when i talk about it 😄.

Lol. I hope your beau speaks as you do because that will be one funny convo trying to figure out what the other is saying.😜

Ero · October 11

@Lyubov I've been on and off with people for the last 2 years and I still can't get the ex before that out of my head. As @Princess Arabia said, sometimes one girl just hits deep. You gotta move on tho. Meet some people, socialize. May take time, but it will eventually fade.

Edited October 11 by Ero

Princess Arabia · October 11

21 minutes ago, Ero said:

@Lyubov I've been on and off with people for the last 2 years and I still can't get the ex before that out of my head. As @Princess Arabia said, sometimes one girl just hits deep. You gotta move on tho. Meet some people, socialize. May take time, but it will eventually fade.

It's not so much as needing it to fade but to see it in a way where it brings you joy to have had such an intense experience with someone that made you feel alive and you were able to express the love that you are and share it with someone. Now you have practice and can do it better next time around and now your capacity to love has expanded where the hurt won't feel as bad and the joyous moments seem to replicate themselves but through different people. Why would you want such joyous moments that you had with someone to fade...only if they were looked at as something to gain and not something to experience and your ego feels bad because it isn't gaining anymore, so let's fade it away, so I can concentrate on gaining from a new experience where i don't have to remember that other joyous lover i had because it was about me and what I'm about to hopefully gain from you too.

You trying to get that ex out of your head is exactly why they are still there.

Edited October 11 by Princess Arabia

**NoSelfSelf** · October 11

26 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Lol. I hope your beau speaks as you do because that will be one funny convo trying to figure out what the other is saying.😜

Happens alot, its not even funny no pun intended 😁

Sugarcoat · October 11

There’s probably many angles to look at this. But from my own experience I find that simply fully allowing the emotions to come up, not resisting, perhaps even triggering them to get them to come up, and having your full attention on them and the mental story around the emotion. Full embrace and allowance, as much as possible. Full neutral attention/concentration on it, creating that distance from it, this all can help in dissolving it and getting it to flow freely and unblock from your system

Lyubov · October 11

Thanks for the replies and different perspectives everyone. This experience has been one of my greatest teachers. That one girl who was so special and beautiful can be really hard to let go. I am not going to pretend like I’m a player even thought I do have other options. We have these beliefs we hold and I know there is a degree of believing she completes me. Very normal I think when you grow so close. I think many of you can relate when you’ve spent years with someone. Working on so many issues together. So much sex and reflections of love. It really is like a family member going away.

Salvijus · October 11

Maybe trying to forget that person is a mistake. Keep your love for her and all the good memories inside yourself. Wish her well on the path and let her go. Maybe that sort of attitude would be healthier. Not that I even read the thread thoroughly lol, sorry.

Lyubov · October 11

3 hours ago, LukeZ said:

You may want to check out Alan Robarge on YouTube and find the video you feel best suits your situation. He's explained attachment related topics really well for the most part.

wow thanks, I looked it up and this channel seems really helpful.

Lyubov · October 11

IC = Inner child
ME = Adult me

IC: I cannot accept my ex is not prioritizing me anymore.

ME: Why do I want to be with someone who won’t prioritize me?

IC: I don’t believe I can do better

ME: Why do I believe I cannot do better than her, a person who does not want to prioritize me anymore?

IC: because I believe there is no one else like her

ME: I do agree that there is no one else like her, every human is unique, why does that prove that I cannot do better than her? Wouldn’t the next person I’m with be unique and no one else like them?

IC: Yes, the next woman would be unique and no one else like them, but I’m not sure I will meet someone I will want to love as much as her.

ME: If I believe it is absolutely true that I will never meet another woman that I will want to love as much as her, then I absolutely should keep fighting for her.

I did some self inquiry and had a breakthrough, i realized the belief holding me back is that I believe I won't find a woman that I will want to love as much as her. I found the video above and am going to focus on this perspective. Can any of you speak on this? Please only if you have actual lived experience similar to mine and not some goofy ideology about game. If you went through the end of a long term relationship and then one day you met someone else you loved as much as your ex, if not more so. Is this possible? My inner child believes it's not exactly possible or at least the chances are low but my adult mind knows I could meet another woman I will love just as much as my ex and be able to build an even longer lasting relationship built on honesty and integrity. When did you turn the leaf on this belief that you may not meet someone you want to love as much as your ex? I loved this woman like the sun, we became one for years, we were everything until we weren't

Princess Arabia · October 12

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

I did some self inquiry and had a breakthrough, i realized the belief holding me back is that I believe I won't find a woman that I will want to love as much as her. I found the video above and am going to focus on this perspective. Can any of you speak on this? Please only if you have actual lived experience similar to mine and not some goofy ideology about game. If you went through the end of a long term relationship and then one day you met someone else you loved as much as your ex, if not more so. Is this possible? My inner child believes it's not exactly possible or at least the chances are low but my adult mind knows I could meet another woman I will love just as much as my ex and be able to build an even longer lasting relationship built on honesty and integrity. When did you turn the leaf on this belief that you may not meet someone you want to love as much as your ex? I loved this woman like the sun, we became one for years, we were everything until we weren't

I never really had this experience, but I felt every emotion that you felt writing this. I could feel the pain you were going through. It will take time. Don't try to think of another woman you can, will or may love as much as you loved her for now. Try not to think about another woman now. I will say, and even though it's not the same, I know you'll understand because I sense an air of maturity in you that can see the similarity.

I had to let go if a cat I dearly loved and had for 14yrs. I cried like a baby and swore I'd never get another cat. Guess what, I have another cat. About 2yrs in between but I never went looking, she found me because I opened up my heart and was mentally ready to the point where I started dreaming about cats and one day a stray kitten was found in the back yard. Long story there but you get the drift. I thought I'd never find or even wanted another cat; but it happened when I finally allowed myself to open up to the possibility of having another cat again.

So, allow yourself to go through the emotions and when you're mentally ready, it will find you, but not before.

Edited October 12 by Princess Arabia

Raze · October 12

Lyubov · October 12

2 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

I never really had this experience, but I felt every emotion that you felt writing this. I could feel the pain you were going through. It will take time. Don't try to think of another woman you can, will or may love as much as you loved her for now. Try not to think about another woman now. I will say, and even though it's not the same, I know you'll understand because I sense an air of maturity in you that can see the similarity.

I had to let go if a cat I dearly loved and had for 14yrs. I cried like a baby and swore I'd never get another cat. Guess what, I have another cat. About 2yrs in between but I never went looking, she found me because I opened up my heart and was mentally ready to the point where I started dreaming about cats and one day a stray kitten was found in the back yard. Long story there but you get the drift. I thought I'd never find or even wanted another cat; but it happened when I finally allowed myself to open up to the possibility of having another cat again.

So, allow yourself to go through the emotions and when you're mentally ready, it will find you, but not before.

Thanks for sharing and I agree. I like your cat story as well and to be honest it isn’t so different from what I’m experiencing. I agree I think I need to really let her go and grieve and allow this inner resolution to unfold. I accept this has ended. I do not accept it has ended, but I am accepting that I do not accept this has ended. I do not accept she is gone but I accept I do not accept she is gone. I’m creating longing and will self inquire on this. I think the reason losing a loved one due to a break up can be so devastating and challenging is because there’s just so many dynamics that come to the surface. All the relationship issues and unresolved stuff, inner child issues, logistical stuff for example one person realizes how they have been neglecting their career due to this relationship, kids and money and divorce papers, just all this stuff that needs to be dealt with. I think I’m in a very good position in life given this break up. It hasn’t ruined me financially and I did not have kids with her. I think now it’s really being present for myself and understanding to myself and really listening, without going to extremes.

Princess Arabia · October 12

6 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Thanks for sharing and I agree. I like your cat story as well and to be honest it isn’t so different from what I’m experiencing. I agree I think I need to really let her go and grieve and allow this inner resolution to unfold. I accept this has ended. I do not accept it has ended, but I am accepting that I do not accept this has ended. I do not accept she is gone but I accept I do not accept she is gone. I’m creating longing and will self inquire on this. I think the reason losing a loved one due to a break up can be so devastating and challenging is because there’s just so many dynamics that come to the surface. All the relationship issues and unresolved stuff, inner child issues, logistical stuff for example one person realizes how they have been neglecting their career due to this relationship, kids and money and divorce papers, just all this stuff that needs to be dealt with. I think I’m in a very good position in life given this break up. It hasn’t ruined me financially and I did not have kids with her. I think now it’s really being present for myself and understanding to myself and really listening, without going to extremes.

❤️Wish you the best.

Lyubov · October 12

Woke up today and I’m doing alright

I asked myself something like this “so I probably will choose to think about this for the next couple days if not weeks”

“yes”

“why?”

im going to self inquire on this.

Lyubov · October 19

Thugging it out. One week down. It’s gotten better.

Ampresus · October 24

@Lyubov I think anybody who has had a remotely long relationship end, can relate to you. I come out of a one year relationship, but also used to heavily love a girl who didn't feel the same about me a couple years back. In both cases it was difficult to let go. But the first time did make me stronger in doing it the second time.

Lets call this one Mary. Mary and I played and called day and night. I was obsessed with her. I could always talk so authentically and intuitively to her and she really understood me. But she didn't love me the same way. For her it was almost always just friendly. The times she did have romantic interest in me, I was too clueless to notice. I ended all contact with her in the beginning of 2023. No more calls and gaming. It's been a year and 10 months. I still think about her regularly, but I no longer miss her. She congratulated me on my birthday and asked if we could call again some time. Part of me wanted to do this of course, but I rejected this offer. I was tired of being stuck to her. Together with the council of my therapist, I rejected her offer. She said she respected my decision and wished me all the best. I was only able to do this because of the long period of no contact, focus on other parts of my life and most importantly: finding a new girl.

Lets call this one Angela. Angela and I broke up around the end of June. Well... broken up... she ghosted me after travelling to her home country to visit her family. Shame how it went. I still see her from time to time, because we live in the same city. This was a real relationship and the break up really destroyed me. I went to see a therapist and sought council both from old friends as well as new people I met. Here are all the pieces of advice I heard and put to use:

1. (Old HS friend) You're free. Free to pursue any girl you want now. Go after it. Enjoy it. You're only this young one once in your life. Fuck it away. That's how I did it. Still took me a year to get over my ex, but I just tried to enjoy my life. It was shitty yes, but you deserve better. You deserve a good life.

2. (This old HS friend was the ex of the previous one, lol): I recommend just finding a girl to distract yourself with. Best way of getting over someone is just finding somebody new. That's what I heard a lot of people do and honestly what helped me too. Yeah it sucks, especially the fact that she will never be yours again. But such is life, we can't change the past. Still took me a year, but it's whatever.

3. (My bestfriend): You made a big mistake, but she wasn't necessarily flawless either. You're a young dude man. You're bound to make mistakes like these. Imagine this happened when you were married to her. You're free now, go off. Fuck all the hot girls you can find man. Enjoy life bro. Life is too short to waste on somebody who is no longer with you.

4, (Old co-worker): Break ups are always tough. Always. I still see my ex of a couple years regularly in my gym. But I'm just so used to it now. I never even deleted old pictures. Just because I feel like I don't need to now. I just kept distracting myself with others part of life. Still took me a good year.

5. Last but not least, my therapist: What you are experiencing is loss. Loss and regret. Although it may sound strange, it is very similar to losing a pet or a loved one to death. What you have to do is face reality. Feel the emotions whenever they come up, but also don't dwell on them. You have to find a balance. She is gone, accept that. Yes you will still mourn her. Waking up crying about her or not being able to function during the day because you're griefing. That's all okay. It's important to keep taking care of yourself. Keep training, eating healthy, studying, working, practicing your hobbies etc. And whenever thoughts about her, the break up, the fights or whatever come up, just remember to tell yourself this: I'm thinking about air right now. Nothing. Pure air. She's gone, why am I wasting time on this?

All this to say man: find hobbies and a new girl. Plan the fuck out of your life man. I took two jobs the month after the break up AND got a new girlfriend. I decided I needed new hobbies, so I started dancing lessons and am learning languages now. It's rough as hell. Especially every time I still see her. But fuck it man. Life is way too short to spend this much energy on a person who is gone.

There are two valuable spiritual lessons that this break up taught me:

1. Everything in life is impermanent: This should give you peace. For every bad time is only temporary here.
2. There is nothing new under the sun: I am no religious believer, but I do believe religious texts hold a lot of powerful messages. There was a time during my griefing process where I almost converted to Christianity. I was so emotionally touched by Jesus his teachings and his flawlessness, divinity and most importantly forgiving nature. I didn't end up converting, but did vow to incorporate his strengths. I decided I wanted to be forgiving, compassionate, open-minded and resilient. For there truly is nothing new under the sun.

You have loved this much before, so it only makes sense that you can do it again. I wish you the best man. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Lyubov · November 9

@Ampresus Hey dude I missed your post. Thank you so much. Reading it was helpful. I actually really liked the Bible verse you shared. I am not Christian but it got me thinking this verse.

I’ve realized at the core of my problem is basically these 2 beliefs

1) Without this person in my life I am unlovable, lacking value and unable able to cope in life

2) I do not want to accept and embrace uncertainty and change in life

These two beliefs I hold keep this issue from being entirely resolved and closing the door 100%

They also tie back to the Bible verse you quoted since the two beliefs I stated in essence are basically the core issues for most people in life, believing they are lacking value for a reason outside themselves and not accepting uncertainty and change

I think it’s eye opening to write this

Letting go of an ex has been really challenging for me

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