Letting go of an ex has been really challenging for me

[NoSelfSelf]

3 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Of course, I see what you're saying here. What you describe alot though, is how to only be for yourself while never focusing on the other's needs. That's where I see the error. We have to first nurture ourselves before we can nurture others in an effective way but while still taking into consideration their wants, needs and desires.

Only if they showed they are worthy i told you already you dont listen.Also you misunderstand one is a selfish person but a selfless lover.If a woman is part of my program and shows cooparation, then im taking her as part of my world so her needs,wants are not met but exeeded.Her expectations and how she sees the relationships is broken her reality shift that's game its senting shivers down my spine when i talk about it 😄.

[LukeZ]

You may want to check out Alan Robarge on YouTube and find the video you feel best suits your situation. He's explained attachment related topics really well for the most part. 

[Princess Arabia]

20 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

its senting shivers down my spine when i talk about it 😄.

Lol. I hope your beau speaks as you do because that will be one funny convo trying to figure out what the other is saying.😜

 

[Ero]

@Lyubov I've been on and off with people for the last 2 years and I still can't get the ex before that out of my head. As @Princess Arabia said, sometimes one girl just hits deep. You gotta move on tho. Meet some people, socialize. May take time, but it will eventually fade. 

Edited October 11 by Ero

[Princess Arabia]

21 minutes ago, Ero said:

@Lyubov I've been on and off with people for the last 2 years and I still can't get the ex before that out of my head. As @Princess Arabia said, sometimes one girl just hits deep. You gotta move on tho. Meet some people, socialize. May take time, but it will eventually fade. 

It's not so much as needing it to fade but to see it in a way where it brings you joy to have had such an intense experience with someone that made you feel alive and you were able to express the love that you are and share it with someone. Now you have practice and can do it better next time around and now your capacity to love has expanded where the hurt won't feel as bad and the joyous moments seem to replicate themselves but through different people. Why would you want such joyous moments that you had with someone to fade...only if they were looked at as something to gain and not something to experience and your ego feels bad because it isn't gaining anymore, so let's fade it away, so I can concentrate on gaining from a new experience where i don't have to remember that other joyous lover i had because it was about me and what I'm about to hopefully gain from you too. 

You trying to get that ex out of your head is exactly why they are still there. 

Edited October 11 by Princess Arabia

[NoSelfSelf]

26 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Lol. I hope your beau speaks as you do because that will be one funny convo trying to figure out what the other is saying.😜

 

Happens alot, its not even funny no pun intended 😁

[Sugarcoat]

There’s probably many angles to look at this. But from my own experience I find that simply fully allowing the emotions to come up, not resisting, perhaps even triggering them to get them to come up, and having your full attention on them and the mental story around the emotion. Full embrace and allowance, as much as possible. Full neutral attention/concentration on it, creating that distance from it, this all can help in dissolving it and getting it to flow freely and unblock from your system 

[Lyubov]

Thanks for the replies and different perspectives everyone. This experience has been one of my greatest teachers. That one girl who was so special and beautiful can be really hard to let go. I am not going to pretend like I’m a player even thought I do have other options. We have these beliefs we hold and I know there is a degree of believing she completes me. Very normal I think when you grow so close. I think many of you can relate when you’ve spent years with someone. Working on so many issues together. So much sex and reflections of love. It really is like a family member going away. 

[Salvijus]

Maybe trying to forget that person is a mistake. Keep your love for her and all the good memories inside yourself. Wish her well on the path and let her go. Maybe that sort of attitude would be healthier. Not that I even read the thread thoroughly lol, sorry. 

[Lyubov]

3 hours ago, LukeZ said:

You may want to check out Alan Robarge on YouTube and find the video you feel best suits your situation. He's explained attachment related topics really well for the most part. 

wow thanks, I looked it up and this channel seems really helpful. 

[Lyubov]

 IC = Inner child
ME = Adult me

IC: I cannot accept my ex is not prioritizing me anymore.

ME: Why do I want to be with someone who won’t prioritize me?

IC: I don’t believe I can do better

ME: Why do I believe I cannot do better than her, a person who does not want to prioritize me anymore?

IC: because I believe there is no one else like her

ME: I do agree that there is no one else like her, every human is unique, why does that prove that I cannot do better than her? Wouldn’t the next person I’m with be unique and no one else like them?

IC: Yes, the next woman would be unique and no one else like them, but I’m not sure I will meet someone I will want to love as much as her.

ME: If I believe it is absolutely true that I will never meet another woman that I will want to love as much as her, then I absolutely should keep fighting for her.

I did some self inquiry and had a breakthrough, i realized the belief holding me back is that I believe I won't find a woman that I will want to love as much as her. I found the video above and am going to focus on this perspective. Can any of you speak on this? Please only if you have actual lived experience similar to mine and not some goofy ideology about game. If you went through the end of a long term relationship and then one day you met someone else you loved as much as your ex, if not more so. Is this possible? My inner child believes it's not exactly possible or at least the chances are low but my adult mind knows I could meet another woman I will love just as much as my ex and be able to build an even longer lasting relationship built on honesty and integrity. When did you turn the leaf on this belief that you may not meet someone you want to love as much as your ex? I loved this woman like the sun, we became one for years, we were everything until we weren't 

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

I did some self inquiry and had a breakthrough, i realized the belief holding me back is that I believe I won't find a woman that I will want to love as much as her. I found the video above and am going to focus on this perspective. Can any of you speak on this? Please only if you have actual lived experience similar to mine and not some goofy ideology about game. If you went through the end of a long term relationship and then one day you met someone else you loved as much as your ex, if not more so. Is this possible? My inner child believes it's not exactly possible or at least the chances are low but my adult mind knows I could meet another woman I will love just as much as my ex and be able to build an even longer lasting relationship built on honesty and integrity. When did you turn the leaf on this belief that you may not meet someone you want to love as much as your ex? I loved this woman like the sun, we became one for years, we were everything until we weren't 

I never really had this experience, but I felt every emotion that you felt writing this. I could feel the pain you were going through. It will take time. Don't try to think of another woman you can, will or may love as much as you loved her for now. Try not to think about another woman now. I will say, and even though it's not the same, I know you'll understand because I sense an air of maturity in you that can see the similarity. 

I had to let go if a cat I dearly loved and had for 14yrs. I cried like a baby and swore I'd never get another cat. Guess what, I have another cat. About 2yrs in between but I never went looking, she found me because I opened up my heart and was mentally ready to the point where I started dreaming about cats and one day a stray kitten was found in the back yard. Long story there but you get the drift. I thought I'd never find or even wanted another cat; but it happened when I finally allowed myself to open up to the possibility of having another cat again. 

So, allow yourself to go through the emotions and when you're mentally ready, it will find you, but not before. 

Edited October 12 by Princess Arabia

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0ctRMR8qXM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmNbrlmn00w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5qdBMIaS_c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eit85FAj4wg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p3-MJJm_R0
https://www.girlschase.com/content/coping-breakup-without-breaking-down
https://www.girlschase.com/content/what-do-after-break-heal-completely

Use these to move on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

I never really had this experience, but I felt every emotion that you felt writing this. I could feel the pain you were going through. It will take time. Don't try to think of another woman you can, will or may love as much as you loved her for now. Try not to think about another woman now. I will say, and even though it's not the same, I know you'll understand because I sense an air of maturity in you that can see the similarity. 

I had to let go if a cat I dearly loved and had for 14yrs. I cried like a baby and swore I'd never get another cat. Guess what, I have another cat. About 2yrs in between but I never went looking, she found me because I opened up my heart and was mentally ready to the point where I started dreaming about cats and one day a stray kitten was found in the back yard. Long story there but you get the drift. I thought I'd never find or even wanted another cat; but it happened when I finally allowed myself to open up to the possibility of having another cat again. 

So, allow yourself to go through the emotions and when you're mentally ready, it will find you, but not before. 

Thanks for sharing and I agree. I like your cat story as well and to be honest it isn’t so different from what I’m experiencing. I agree I think I need to really let her go and grieve and allow this inner resolution to unfold. I accept this has ended. I do not accept it has ended, but I am accepting that I do not accept this has ended. I do not accept she is gone but I accept I do not accept she is gone. I’m creating longing and will self inquire on this. I think the reason losing a loved one due to a break up can be so devastating and challenging is because there’s just so many dynamics that come to the surface. All the relationship issues and unresolved stuff, inner child issues, logistical stuff for example one person realizes how they have been neglecting their career due to this relationship, kids and money and divorce papers, just all this stuff that needs to be dealt with. I think I’m in a very good position in life given this break up. It hasn’t ruined me financially and I did not have kids with her. I think now it’s really being present for myself and understanding to myself and really listening, without going to extremes. 

[Princess Arabia]

6 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Thanks for sharing and I agree. I like your cat story as well and to be honest it isn’t so different from what I’m experiencing. I agree I think I need to really let her go and grieve and allow this inner resolution to unfold. I accept this has ended. I do not accept it has ended, but I am accepting that I do not accept this has ended. I do not accept she is gone but I accept I do not accept she is gone. I’m creating longing and will self inquire on this. I think the reason losing a loved one due to a break up can be so devastating and challenging is because there’s just so many dynamics that come to the surface. All the relationship issues and unresolved stuff, inner child issues, logistical stuff for example one person realizes how they have been neglecting their career due to this relationship, kids and money and divorce papers, just all this stuff that needs to be dealt with. I think I’m in a very good position in life given this break up. It hasn’t ruined me financially and I did not have kids with her. I think now it’s really being present for myself and understanding to myself and really listening, without going to extremes. 

❤️Wish you the best.

[Lyubov]

Woke up today and I’m doing alright 

I asked myself something like this “so I probably will choose to think about this for the next couple days if not weeks” 

“yes” 

“why?”

im going to self inquire on this.