I Had No Idea

[Danielle]

I wanted to share an experience I had last night. It was around midnight when I started to meditate and it was really hard. I felt frustrated and desperate. I kept opening my mouth and screaming silently and like punching my fists on my pillow. I just thought: I can't do this anymore, fuck this enlightenment bullshit, this is stupid, i will go insane etc. And then I started to cry, i just couldn't handle it anymore, I crossed my hands  like I was about to pray and then kept shaking my head saying I can't, I can't and when that didn't work I just let go, I surrendered completely. Then, it happend. OH MY FUCKING GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. ITS ALL ONE, ITS ALL ONE, ITS ALL ME,ITS ALL ONEEEE AAAA. Those were the thoughts I had for 30 minutes straight and my perception changed, I can't explain it,it was all oneeee!!! Like literally, that chair I was looking at was me just like "my" body. There wasn't a difference between the two.  I lost myself totally, there wasn't any "me" thoughts, just "its all one" over and over again .I started crying again out of pure love and gratitude because I recognized I was never truly alone, I was never seperate. I never felt that kind of intimacy in my entire life. After crying my eyes out I started to laugh my ass off because it was so obvious! So obviousssss that all of it is one, all me. It was so hilarious that I thought anything else. 

I woke up about an hour ago and I feel really different, my perception shifted, i can't explain how but it when I look at objects, i can look at them as they are, there is little to no monkey chatter. I feel really confused and just in awe. 

I had no idea what "all is one" meant.

I had no idea how frustrating and painful self inquiry is.

I had no idea how deluded I was and still am.

I had no idea that I was responsible for everything, all of emotions, all of my suffering.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started doing this.

I had no idea how closeminded I was and what love actually meant.

Thanks for reading. Has this happend to anyone here? Have I gone insane or am I on the right track? I feel like there was a dropping of the ego, but that's just ego talk 

 

Edited April 30, 2017 by Danielle

[Shin]

Now I'm starting to think that my obstinacy won't pay off

[Danielle]

I wouldn't be so certain lol 

 

[cetus]

@Danielle No, you haven't gone insane. You experienced ego death. Pretty cool isn't it! Now when you hear something about enlightenment it will have true meaning for you even though you may have heard it hundreds of times before.

[Danielle]

10 minutes ago, sweatergoat said:

Must be amazing. 
 

The feelings you felt while having this experience... are they superior to ALL other feelings? By what extent?

Yes they were, the terror and bliss weree amazing, there is no way to understand it if you haven't experienced it. 

Imagine the happiest moment in your life, now multiple it by 10000! It is not happiness, its bliss, but even bliss is a weak word. 

 

[Danielle]

9 minutes ago, cetus56 said:

@Danielle No, you haven't gone insane. You experienced ego death. Pretty cool isn't it! Now when you hear something about enlightenment it will have true meaning for you even though you may have heard it hundreds of times before.

It happend to me before, but it wasn't so intense. 

So true. And what really gets me every time is how obvious it was, the degree of deception is just mindblowing. 

 

[cetus]

I must not be awake for everything looks to me as it has never looked before.

Or  I'm awake for the first time and all that was before was just a dream. Walt Whitman

Edited April 30, 2017 by cetus56

[Barna]

I'm happy for you. Welcome to the club.  

Notify me when you have a method for going back to the experience.  

[Shin]

@Danielle Oh boy you hyped me up so much !

See you in 6 hours !

 

 

 

 

This gif is appropriate too

 

Edited April 30, 2017 by Shin

[Danielle]

Sure. I have been meditating for 10 months, mostly SDS combined with self inquiry, which I started only 7 months ago,it was hard to convince myself 

I have listened to a few audio books and that's it. Getting too lost in complex spiritual ideas and doing mental masturbation seems like a waste of time when I could be actually looking at what I am.

I only learned about the fundemental things by watching youtube videos and satsangs so I can leave some space in my mind

I haven't done any psyhcedelics because I think I'm not mature/ready yet. I'm 18. I feel like I have to lay the foundation first-at least a year or two of meditation and inquiry.

Yes,  I know what you're talking about, I experienced it too. No worries man, you will get there. Be patient and it will deliver itself 

Edited April 30, 2017 by Danielle

[Barna]

22 minutes ago, Danielle said:

I'm 18.

So, you're legal, huh?

Just kidding. :)) 

You had an enlightenment experience at the age of 18. I think you're the most interesting creature on this forum.  

[Danielle]

Hahaha yeah. To be fair, I'm not the only one, if I'm not mistaken @Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj and @Azrael had those enlightenment experiences and they are pretty damn young 

And how am I supposed to transcend my ego when you give me such sweet words? Lol 

[Barna]

Well, before you told us your age, I also considered myself "pretty damn young". :)) 

[Nahm]

Honed your focus.

Became  your increased focus.

Everything is thought, relative to each focus.

Can't be undone. 

What's more, is infinite.

Hocus pocus focus.

[Shin]

Did one hour of gazing mirror meditation and 1 hour of self-inquiry,

Holy shit I'm pissed off.

TELL ME WHAT I AM !

@Danielle

Oh, but I'm patient, just pissed off

If I have to do 1 year of dark room retreat to realize who I am, I'll do it :3

 

 

Edited April 30, 2017 by Shin

[Danielle]

34 minutes ago, Shin said:

Did one hour of gazing mirror meditation and 1 hour of self-inquiry,

Holy shit I'm pissed off.

TELL ME WHAT I AM !

 

 

Lool

Just 9000 to go 

http://www.kristisnyderllc.com/how-to-be-patient-while-waiting-for-a-spiritual-breakthrough/

There you go

[Barna]

@Danielle do you do the self inquiry in English? 

[Danielle]

I tried it but it didn't go deep enough into my subconscious, so I quickly switched it into croatian. 

[Shin]

Thank you Danielle.