Batshit Idiot

[Privet]

One two three four five six sex...

Speaking directly from your head, welcome to 3D!

Wassup cucumbers!

So, last time I posted was three years ago, but now I want to journal again so I make this journal.

These three years were really crappy. I got sick with schizophrenia and got hospitaized with psychosis three times. I spent the last year on disability.

After two first psychoses I didn't take neuroleptics and had jobs so everything was okay, but after the last (third) psychosis my mom convinced me to get disability and take meds. I agreed because the time between the last two psychoses was just a couple of months and I became afraid of getting psychotic again. The drug that was prescribed during my last hospitalization had more bearable side effects compared to all meds that I used previously. But this may they apparently stopped importing the drug and it disappeared from pharmacies. I'm not on the drug since may and I'm doing "fine".

The drug that I have been using is called zuclopenthixol, I was getting an injection every 2 weeks. The side effects that I have from this drug are apathy, anhedonia, lower libido and twelve hour long sleep. Yes, I wrote "have" not "had" because despite going off the med I still have all side effects and I really hope they will go away, otherwise it's really bad. I was also getting stupor sometimes because of the med, that's also one of the main reasons I signed up for disability, because I couldn't work because of the stupor.

The side effect that is killing me the most is apathy, and apathy is the reason I started this journal, because I hope that journaling will help me get over it. Disability ends in december, to prolong it I have to go to the hospital and stay there for a month, but if I do they will force me to take meds with unbearable side effects so instead I will just try to get a job and hope that I won't get psychotic again. I just don't see other options. They will most likely give me risperidone and on risperidone I can't do anything but to walk in circles, so I won't go to the hospital... For now... The best bet would be getting a private doctor and switch meds until I find another med with bearable side ffects and then get a job, but I have no money for that.

Because of the motherfucking apathy I haven't been exercising and meditating during the last year and mostly layed on the couch. I tried to force myself to do it real hard and I failed multiple times, and before taking zuclopenthixol I meditated and exercised effortlessly, so you can get the idea how bad the apathy is...

Meditation is number one commitment that I'd like to keep track of in this journal. I will download Insight Timer and post about hours that I meditated last week every sunday.

Unfortunately I don't want to start exercising now.

Okay, enough for the intro.

 

[Privet]

I don't wanna sleep so I'll write some more...

In my previous journal I mentioned that I started using antidepressant mirtazapine. I went on 30 mg dose and kept taking it for a year. I was aimlessly walking in the neighborhood before and mirtazapine let me get a job and commit to doing music. After a year I developed tolerance to it so I stopped taking it. It took me around four months to taper it off. First half of a pill was easy and took just a week but if I decreased more than that I'd just lose sleep. I had to slowly go down to 1/8 of a pill before I was able to quit completely. I'm a hell of an addict to everything but everything turned out to be fine with the antidepressant, I never overused it.

I've read a bit of my previous posts here and dammit, how much have changed since then. I don't really get depressed anymore, I guess meditation and exercise did it for me and probably mirtazapine also is responsible for that. But here is the surprise... One of the side effects of mirtazapine mentioned in Russian wiki is "worsening of the paranoid syndrome". Either mirtazapine is the cause of my schizophrenia or it triggered my genetic predisposition to it. I had multiple fleeting and subclinical cases of paranoia while I was on it. But the first full-blown psychosis started more than half a year after quitting the antidepressant. It seems to me that the main trigger for psychosis is having a job: working 9 hours a day five days a week sets my brain in enough stress to start generating delusions. All three times that I had psychosis I had a job.

The only thing that makes me depressed lately is neuroleptics, especially withdrawals from them, it's really, REALLY bad. On withdrawals from just a month or two on cariprazine and risperidone (separately) I was so depressed I ended up researching suicide methods in the internet. I also tried guitar cable on my neck with the tears on my eyes. But it passes in a month or quicker.

It's possible that I have delusional disorder rather than schizophrenia because I don't have all symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has two clusters of symptoms, they're called positive and negative. Positive are delusions, hallucinations and thinking disorders, negative are apathy, anhedonia, alogia, avolition. I only have delusions and this is it, at least before zuclopenthixol. But anyways the treatment is neuroleptics and I'm not sure if you really should distinguish these two diagnoses.

State psychiatry is really shitty in Russia. Do you know how they diagnose schizophrenia? A nurse comes to you and asks "how can I help?", if your response looks hostile to them they set the schizo diagnosis. This is it, nobody talks to you anymore. The doctors check 60-70 patients once in a week just a minute or two on each in one go. I got "lucky" that I actually am schizophrenic but I have seen people there who got the schizo diagnosis without symptoms, and not once.

I will write more about what happened during psychoses and psych yard in my later posts.

[Privet]

Week 1
Hours this week: 22
Hours total: 22

Not that many hours regarding the fact that I'm still unemployed. But I'd like to keep this tempo even when I'll get a job.

I've been practicing focusing on emotions for around 5 last years or more because I had intense emotions that didn't let me to focus on anything else and now I have switched to self-inquiry. It feels very confusing, I'm used to focus and in self-inquiry you don't really have an object to focus on so it makes me feel weird. During self-inquiry my mind wanders more than when I focus on an object. I'm not sure if I'll keep doing self-inquiry or switch to focusing, for some time I'll stick to self-inquiry and see where it goes.

I practice in 1 hour intervals and don't do SDS anymore.

On Wednesday I meditated 0 hours. Apathy backfired after the first two days and I spent the day laying on the couch, surfing a suicide forum and considering suicide. I just felt like my apathy is hopeless and nothing good awaits me in the future. But the next day I woke up and everything was fine.

I'd like to make a couple of commitments:

• NoFap. I have low libido because of a neuroleptic so I can stop jerking off for possibly unlimited amount of time. I did it before for around two weeks and didn't feel a thing. So I'll commit to not fapping.
• Not moving during meditation. I move a little too much and I need to stop it.