10 years of Self-Help (My f*cked up journey)

[QandC]

This is gonna be difficult to write. I wanna share my story of what I've learned throughout my 10 years of falling in love with the idea of inner- and outer growth. I'm Swedish so bare with my grammar:

I'm 27, and I started my self-help journey back in 2014. Back then I had so many anxieties, fears and I always felt inferior. Because of this I always tried to prove myself, and take extreme measures to try and "change my mind". I started in the worst possible way - self-medicating. When I first discovered alcohol, I fell in love. I finally felt all of my self-doubts disappearing. I couldn't even walk into a bus without thinking everyone was judging me. So I kept drinking, at inappropriate times too like at my first summer job, in school, during family gatherings etc..

I went to a really "posh" private high school where there were very competitive students. Ofc. this kinda' shaped me in a way; both good and bad. But it wasn't until I discovered "Clasik Obas" on youtube talking about NoFap. According to him, it was gonna help with mental clarity and confidence. So I tried it for a week, and on my 7th day of not fapping, I felt the most naturally confident I've ever felt. Suddenly I was very talkative, confident and had more peace of mind. It kind of shocked me, I didn't know if it was placeboe or if it actually worked. Either way, the effects were the same - positive.

I realized that maybe I don't need substances to feel better about myself. And so I discovered Leo. This was like right before he started talking about Spiritual enlightenment etc. But when he made that video, I got so mindfucked and started questioning everything. I started a hard core meditation routine, and my self-help journey really took a start. I transformed, and finally had real purpose. I realized that I'm an all- or nothing type of person, so I had to devote my life to self-discovery. But I was very happy to do it.

A year later, when I graduated high school, I had my eyes on a top business college in Denmark, and I didn't think I was gonna get accepted... but since I'm a perfectionist I always made sure that my grades were good. So I got in. But at that time I felt like "if I start this route, the conventional college->job->wife->house->children-route I wouldn't really have the space to explore different lifestyles. I threw the acceptance letter in the garbage, and I started walking around a lake that I called "The Lonely Route". I don't know why, but I started imagining two voices in my head: one called Q and the other one called C. Q was always giving me very practical advice, while C always gave me spiritual advice. Weirdly enough they had different accents. Ofc. I was the one talking to myself, but I felt that the more I kept doing it, week after week, I became more aware of my true potential and that there was something else out there for me to discover.

By that time, after the summer was over, I started working a part-time job as a mail-man, which I enjoyed. At the same time, every day, I was listening to podcasts, self-help videos, Leo, Bob Proctor, Tony Robbins etc etc. I got so f*cking interested in the mind and how it works, so I felt I had to write everything down that I learned. I ended up writing my own self help book that I called The Manual. It was basically just my own manifesto so to speak, and I didn't intend on publishing it. At this time I was also deep into my Judo-career. I competed a lot and it added to my confidence. I eventually won a scolarship, and I felt like I had to use it in a productive way. My dad suggested me to go to Japan to train judo, but I wanted to do something different so I went to South Korea instead.

I got thrown into a country I knew nothing about, but oh man... best decision ever. I kept going there after that first visit, and I felt like I had found a place around the bent, where I didn't have any identity or anything to carry - just total freedom. I was very into the whole 'law of attraction' thing back then (2017~2018). So I started imagining a remote job I could do from home whenever, wherever. Had no idea how I was gonna find it, but somehow I did. this kept building my belief in the power of the subconscious and LoA etc. My time in South Korea was magical. I basically worked like 2 hours per day from my laptop, and then I was free to just live. Unfortunately I went a little bit crazy and over my head - super hedonistic lifestyle. Once I burned through that karma I started working on my life purpose. Over in Korea the focus on mental health is not as big as in the west, and many people I talked to seemed very lost. I was extremely liberal and individualistic in my mindset so I didn't take into account that their culture is different. Still, I somehow felt as if I had to help others. So I became a life coach (its basically just the art of asking questions, no matter how cringe the title sounds).

I started writing my second book The Inner Game in 2018, which focused on inner peace/happiness. I also got it translated to Korean. I felt that I'd already figured out the basics of self help, and Leo's videos were starting to become deeper, and I felt like I had to catch on. So my meditations and contemplations became more intense. I started having awakening experiences, I dabbled in psychedelics (when I visited Sweden at times), and things became very interesting. Effortless. Awesome. Love. Finally the happiness I was looking for. I started a business focused on coaching younger people who are lost in life. I had a few clients, and it paid well. I started doing lectures over in Seoul, talking about spirituality, self-coaching. I started networking like crazy and met some interesting people. I also met the girl of my dreams, or so I thought...

This girl, I tell ya. I wasn't that physically attracted to her at first, she looked like a little muppet, but still cute. However, her PERSONALITY, holy shit. It was like an old man in a young woman's body. So I could talk to her for hours without ever getting bored. So during 2019 I tried to spend as much time with her as possible over in Korea. At times I had to go back to Sweden cus' I had an apartment there as well. However, this virgin, catholic girl warned me "If I fall in love with you, I will become crazy, I am warning you". I just took it as a joke, but I was so in love that I ignored all the small signs along the way. Months went by, and I started walking on egg shells. She was super jealous, in extreme ways. If I just accidentally glanced  at another woman, we would have a 5 hour talk about it afterwards. And cus' of her strong personality, she manipulated me in ways that caused a future trauma in me I'mma get into later. Once the pandemic arrived, I had to go back to Sweden. But then already I knew our relationship was so toxic and unhealthy, still it crushed me that I couldn't go back there and visit her. We talked on the phone every day. I was in my lonely pent house, working a few hours from home, without structure... I was too free. I was so free that I became a prisoner in my own mind. My biological clock got all fucked up, started going to bed at 5 am and waking up at 3-4 pm.

And to  cope with the phone calls with her, I had to drink and get high. Every call ended in me spending hours explaining things I've told her, things I'd done, screaming, crying.. it was hell. I woke up with anxiety every single day, thinking that this might be the day she breaks up. To this day I don't understand why I put myself through that mental torture and why I didn't just break up with her. I was feeling so miserable, cus' I put my entire life on pause, always comparing my life in Sweden to my life in Korea. But still, the only emotional attachment I had over there was her. So in 2020, while all the chaos with her was going on, and I hurt myself day after day, I felt like I had to continue develop my business. I was not in the right state of mind to coach others, but I missed talking to people about self-growth. So I started my own podcast Staying Conscious, and had soooo many awesome conversations with amazing people arouind the world. I also met another member of this forum, a German life coach, super cool guy. He even came to visit me. In 2021 I had enough of my gf. so I broke up. It was such a relief out of this world. I still kept in touch with her though, because she had a lot of trauma and I promised her I'd always be there for her if she needed me. We're good friends now on the phone, but its cus theres no emotional thing anymore.

I started studying Behavioural science at a university (by distance cus' of corona), and since I still had my remote home job (not coaching) I was very free. Studying a few hours a week, a few hours of work - awesome. I got myself clean and I got myself a cat, lol. I didn't feel as lonely anymore and I felt better. This was the time I really went deep into psychedelics, marijuana, and experimenting with different drugs "for educational purposes". The spring of 2021 was, for me, just an entire trip. I experienced so many crazy fucking things that I became a full-blown spiritual mumbo-jumbo:ist. The more time went on I felt that sure, I was still studying for another 2 years, but I was sick of my remote job. It wasnt freedom anymore, it had become hell for me. I put way too many expectations on myself, and when I constantly didn't reach them, my anxiety and stress went through the roof. Autumn of 2021 was really bad for me. This is when I started with harder drugs - amphetamines and benzo. I was always anxious and depressed and paranoid.

Here's where things get nuts

Beginning of 2022 I knew things were soon to explode, so I had to sell my cat because I knew I wasn't gonna be able to take care of him anymore. I talked to my parents over the phone a lot, crying that I wanted to move back home. I landed myself a nice part time job, but at that time I was already experimenting with benzos and sleeping meds. No one ever discovered me, even though some people had suspicions cus I constantly looked miserable. And then, summer of 2022 came, and by that time I felt fully evil. I started listening to The Doors a lot, and I idolized Jim Morrison to the point where I became infatuated by the whole hedonistic-bohemian-lifestyle. (Even believed I was gonna join the 27-club, lol). I started living wrecklessly while rationalizing my behaviour.I went into a dark dark hole where I did some fucked up shit I can't mention here. Suddenly, I met another woman who I fell in love with very quickly. She lived in Stockholm, 6 hours away from me. But I started traveling there every weekend, and even though she didn't have much a personality, I loved her energy and she was really beautiful.

I thought that "finally! I have an escape now! Lets move to stockholm!". So after a few beers I convinced a landlord to allow me a place up there. Not a good place, basically just a small room. But hey, I was finally in Stockholm and could be near my girl! The idea was better than the reality though. Thus, I started drinking every day. I got alcohol delirium, and I wasn't satisfied with the security from her, from where I lived, from my new job that I hated so much I had to drink hand-sanitizer in the bathroom to pull through the day (yes, you read that right). I eventually found a new place to live, after my first week. So I moved there, it was a little bit better but still, so unplanned and impulsive that I wasn't satisfied with that either. I drank every night and went down town and picked fights and met strange people I shouldnt've have gotten involved with. During my two weeks up there in Stockholm, I ended up in the emergency 3 times. One of which when I was beaten down by a random guy and dragged out of his apartment - no idea how I even ended up there. Anyways, my disfigured face brought me to the hospital. My girlfriend also started noticing that I showed up drunk just to see her. She hated it ofc.

The second time I went into the emergency (remember, this was a span of 2 weeks) was when I got my alcohol tremens/delirium, I had to go to a detox-place. I received some benzos for my anxiety, was supposed to take only one, but I took 10 of them and slept for 2 days in a row. When I woke up after the weekend to go to work, I was suicidal (for real). I wanted to jump in front of a train and I was very close to doing it. Luckily I didn't, and I went to a treatment center because I wanted to receive Antabus (a medicine for alcoholics) and also be prescriped anti-depressants (that I had been against for years). I felt that I had to convince the doctor that I was really depressed, so I told him about all my feelings and that I was suicidal etc. It ended with him calling the police. They drove me to a mental hospital where I got checked-in. I called my mother and asked her to call my landlord as well as my workplace - to tell them I'm not coming back. They locked me into a very sterile room where I had to wait for 4 hours alone. I asked them how long I was gonna stay there, and they told me at least 5 days. I panicked and thought "wtf have I become?". For some weird reason they allowed me to talk to their Senior psychiatrist, and I convinced him that this was just a whole big misunderstanding. I just wanted anti-depressants, not this. He eventually let me out of there on one condition - that I left Stockholm and went back to my parent's house. I agreed. So I quickly called my girlfriend to break up with her, and told her I had to work on myself.

So I came back to my hometown where my dad picked me up. I've never felt such an empty, hopeless feeling ever in my life. But I had to choose between death(ening) anxiety and depression, so I chose depression. I admited to my parents I had a serious alcohol problem. I didn't tell them about the other drugs though, until he found all my benzo pills in my jacket. It didn't stop me, cus' me and my gf got in contact again and the anxiety of not knowing where she stands kicked in, so I started drinking heavily WHILE taking benzos. I ended up in drunk cells, I got picked up by my parents when I had randomly disappeared high as a kite. I went into the emergency like 5 times from nov. 2022 to april 2023. I finally got my hands on anti depressants, and they worked, but it didn't stop my addiction. I started having random seizures. Lol, the first one I got I remember was March 2023, at a new job, the first day!

By that time, my girlfriend had come to visit me and we started dating more seriously. But I don't remember much from that time dec. 2022 - april 2023, because I was mostly drunk or high. My parents were in shock, and the pain I caused them was fucking horrible. I started stealing jewleries from my mom so I could sell them to buy drugs. Me and my gf. were gonna travel to Amsterdam, but apparently I got kicked out of the plane cus' I started fighting the crew. That entire weekend is just a blackout for me. I have no idea what happened, but I do remember arriving at my parents house a few days later saying "Oh it was a wooonderful trip!". My gf. broke up with me over and over again because of the way I was behaving and treating her. Really awful stuff I can't get into here. My final grand seizure almost killed me, but luckily my father saved me with CPR. I am now diagnosed with epilepsy and have to take medications for it.

After this, I was at my absolute rock bottom. My girlfriend had left me, I was on the brink of losing my friends because they had noticed my addiction. I didn't have my own apartment anymore either because I was in no shape to work. However, it was the first time in my life I truly felt disconnected from my identity. And in a way it was the most beautiful, grand relief ever. I had totally destroyed my reputation, my honor, my self-image and trust from others - my ego. I had nothing now. So I was free. 

After all of that, my parents surrounded me in every way to help me get out of addiction. I've been clean for 1,5 years now. I started working more on myself, really investigating the tangled core of my problem - and I believe it was just an identity crisis. I now have a great place up in Stockholm, I work as a counselor at a school, I have stable finances and I am cogruent with who I think I am, and who I really am. Sprituality-wise, I experience daily gratitude, I don't have any obsessive thoughts, no bad impulses, no constant judgements and self-doubts, but the best thing is that I feel a radical acceptance with everything happening. Life hasn't been that easy since getting sober even if I started becoming a good person. I still experienced some hardships, but I haven't suffered from it. It's like there is a disconnect between my "sense of self" and the actuality of things. It's like I'm just watching my life as a movie, and I'm just moving along for the ride. 

I guess I had to die, to be reborn.

Stay conscious, stay humble. The road is never straight.

Thanks for reading!

PS: I'm writing my third book now, The Humble Duck. Kehehe

Edited October 1 by QandC

[jacknine119]

Oh damn i really don't remember when i read such long post recently😅😅 your life is really like a movie man! Good luck wish you all the best!

[chess_king]

The real gold is realizing that Self-Help is an illusion

[jacknine119]

@chess_king What do you mean please tell me in details. Im begginer in self-help.

[chess_king]

3 minutes ago, jacknine119 said:

@chess_king What do you mean please tell me in details. Im begginer in self-help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0CPzp95RZs

 

 

There is nothing called self-help

Edited September 30 by chess_king

[Ulax]

@QandC Congrats on the addiction progress dude. Sounds like it was a very tough place to be.

 

[jacknine119]

@chess_king Unfortunatelly, it's hard for me to realize what he talks and means.

[Sincerity]

I read from beginning to end. Wow, what a ride! You inspire me. 

[QandC]

Thanks guys

[Princess Arabia]

@QandCYou really should write and publish a book. You have great writing skills. 

Your journey was really a roller coaster ride. Thank God it came to a halt before it spiraled out of control. Your parents were very helpful in that. It's quite a thing that we sometimes have to go through trials and tribulations to see the light. Most people are just coasting through life and get comfortable in their suffering and challenges to the point where they believe that's just how life is supposed to be and get addicted to that. 

We're all addicted to something somehow because that's just the nature of the feeling of separation when there's none. It's just that drugs and alcohol are more noticeable and more common. I appreciate your transparency and maybe your story touches someone in the right spot to make them realize, no matter what the circumstances are, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you in your future endeavors.

[QandC]

@Princess Arabia Thank you 🌱❤️

[Epikur]

@QandC

Do you think reminding yourself at that time about some self improvement elements could have prevented you falling into these problems?

Something like concentrating on the fundamentals and blindspots?

[gettoefl]

Inspiring and wonderful. You have lived several lives in just a small part of this one. I will buy your book. Keep us updated. ❤

[Rishabh R]

@QandC Your radical acceptance remind me of acceptance part of shadow work . After reading this I did shadow work by using worksheet basically I was feeling down due to scoring bad marks in two examinations. I accepted those negative feelings and it dissolved. Right now I am dealing with other negative feelings caused due to lack of attention from girls. I am accepting that. I have been into self help since 8 years, 8 months and still counting. Thank you.

[QandC]

45 minutes ago, Epikur said:

@QandC

Do you think reminding yourself at that time about some self improvement elements could have prevented you falling into these problems?

Something like concentrating on the fundamentals and blindspots?

There have been many many times where I've gone in the total opposite direction of growth, i.e self-destruction. Going way over my head in a short amount of time; I forgot the basics. So yes. Fundamentals are everything

[QandC]

@Rishabh R We're just getting started! 

[Rishabh R]

@QandC But I have been lately practicing acceptance of difficult aspects of my life since, 2 months. Yeah, I am also just getting started.😂

[Sandhu]

Maaan

[LifeEnjoyer]

Thanks for sharing! I’m on 2 years now of my journey and this was really inspiring to read, after going through my own bouts of depression and anxiety. Thank you!

[QandC]

Btw. if anyone wants to read some more stories, I'm willing to share

There's one during march-april 2024 (me being sober and fine, but still paying for my old sins) about the connection between a spiritual seeker and someone whose survival depends on recycle:able cans. 

Its quite a spiritual experience. To survive the next day — never have you ever had thought of trash bins in such a glorified way 😄

 

 

Edited October 3 by QandC