Is your dad emotionally available?

[Butters]

Growing up my dad was very emotionally unavailable and at the same time didn't give me any structure or guidelines whatsoever. I guess I could say I was raised only by my mother, and she did that extremely well. When my parents divorced and my dad started drinking he became even more emotionally unstable, depressed and unavailable. 

This has never corrected. For a while there I thought he was a serious covert narcissist because he often sees himself as a victim while completely isolating himself socially and blaming the world for his misery. He also never seems to have had any interest in my personal development or development as a man, only some interest on an extremely surface level. 

I can't really blame him because there are neurological issues at play, and he's had two strokes if I understood that correctly, though it was going on long before that. 

Over these past few years he has said "I love you" a few times, I'm guessing he realizes his own mortality. But I cannot say it back because of a lifelong emotional distancing. I simply cannot open my heart to this man because he chronically lacks empathy and this will never change. I can image I've been burned literally thousands of times as a child and I cannot afford this anymore, so now I don't trust this and I've emotionally distanced myself. 

I'm also often suspicious of him and think that he is a totally different person when I'm not around. Like he speaks bad about me, doesn't respect me at all. This is just a guess, but I also have 0 evidence that he respects me. 

Please understand that his functioning, in my opinion, is closer to that of a child and not an adult. I guess he was seriously traumatized in his youth that cause some massive brain development problem. Currently he doesn't seem to have any ability to reason or self-reflect. I don't know if he ever was able to do this, how could I know what his psychology was like when I was a child or teenager? 

But at the same time I thought maybe this is normal? Is your dad emotionally available, or is this quite rare and only with dads who developed themselves well? 

Edited September 30 by Butters

[PurpleTree]

No he’s not even physically available.

[Schizophonia]

Yes.

[Nemra]

3 hours ago, Butters said:

Is your dad emotionally available, or is this quite rare and only with dads who developed themselves well? 

He is not, and I don't think he's ever going to be emotionally available with me, and I have a lot of disagreements with him.

But he has given me a starting point in life. He's a very hardworking man and competent as hell.

Gosh, writing this brings me to tears.

[PurpleTree]

Not even available by phone.

When i call it says "this number is not active"

[Butters]

43 minutes ago, Nemra said:

He is not, and I don't think he's ever going to be emotionally available with me, and I have a lot of disagreements with him.

But he has given me a starting point in life. He's a very hardworking man and competent as hell.

Gosh, writing this brings me to tears.

❤️

39 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

Not even available by phone.

When i call it says "this number is not active"

Damn 😔 

[PurpleTree]

30 minutes ago, Butters said:

❤️

Damn 😔 

Nono it’s fine i was mostly joking.

I stopped talking to my father as a kid.

But your thread question isn’t that bad i guess many guys from older generations are often very emotionally unavailable or emotionally retarded. 

[Nemra]

I would love to have an open conversation with him one day, but he has a lot of repressed emotions and is logical.

Aside from the problems, I have enjoyed helping him build a house brick by brick.

[Kid A]

31 minutes ago, Lila9 said:

don’t know what it’s like to have a good, loving father because I’ve never experienced it. It feels like a myth to me. Who are you people with good fathers?

I would say I’m one, but me and my father only talk about the most practical and superficial stuff though. I’m not sure why…

Sorry to hear about you dad. That sounds awful.

Edited September 30 by Kid A

[Jannes]

Yes. I dont want to take it for granted. 

[PurpleTree]

39 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

last week i sent a hug emoji to my dad on WhatsApp and he marked it as read but never replied lol

he's also very logical and rational about everything 

Yea he’s probably not in the emoji generation 

[Ulax]

I think my dad was pretty emotionally unavailable. Had some positive traits for sure but also was/is a bit f*cked in the head too lmao.

[Kid A]

8 hours ago, Lila9 said:

Do you feel loved by him?  
Have you tried talking about more emotional and deeper things with him to see what happens?

I feel very much loved, yes. He does everything for me and contacts me almost daily. He’s the kindest father you could have.
There have been more emotional and deeper conversations in the past, but it’s been a long time since then. Now there seems to be some kind of barrier that neither he nor I seem able to break through.

[shree]

1 hour ago, Kid A said:

Now there seems to be some kind of barrier that neither he nor I seem able to break through.

Maybe it's just a phase where everyone is at their own stage of wondering, "What am I doing with my life?" But everyone approaches it differently, partly due to the age gap. I also think that's natural.

 

[shree]

@Butters

As you previously described your situation with your father (if I remember correctly), he seems very emotionally immature.

Chasing the love that you never got from him when you needed it most is a sign that you still haven't gone through your grief.

I'm sorry to say this, but there is probably no way you will ever reach any depth with him.

Maybe moving on is the best option, and working on the wound it caused you, as there's always a possibility that you'll search for that kind of unfulfilled love in others, which might lead to a few toxic relationships.

 

[Butters]

This thread made me appreciate my dad more because some people don't have a dad at all or are in a worse situation. Called him up last night and he was quite chipper, probably because it also reflected in my tone. 

There's probably some balance for me between letting it go while maintaining healthy boundaries. Would be nice to drop all the emotional baggage at some point, but it's also funny how the ego uses that baggage to procrastinate on my business for example.

Ego is a trickster. 

Old karmic cords 😌

Edited October 1 by Butters