Need help with problematic family member

[Rishabh R]

I had an online confrontation over text with a family member who used to put me down and later I cut off contact with him. I rarely contact him.

[Rishabh R]

@Lila9 thanks.

[Consept]

@Letho

Hey man, thanks for the detailed reply. So yeah i have put in boudaries and had them for a while, the only thing that makes this different is that something genuinely bad has happened to this person but they have used that to justify bad behaviour to other members of the family. So the dichotomy from my side is feeling bad because it is something terrible they're going through but then also maintaining these boundaries and not accepting the behaviour. I decided to not accept the behaviour and haven't had much contact but I also believe that they will use what has happened to manipulate if that makes sense. I may be wrong about that but I have seen it in the past. 

What you said though makes me think, whether I have a negative perception which is slightly exaggerated. So I believe that they would feel pain if something bad happens, I don't think they're a psychopath, but I do believe that most things they say and do in their life is some sort of manipulation to get others to side with them or to get them to do their bidding. For example, I'm not aware of them calling someone close to just see how they were doing or listen, even with parents, but if they want something they will phone a lot until they get that thing or support or whatever they want. So because of this I find it hard to see the good in them mainly because they are so self focused. From a meta perspective I can love them but inter personally I don't want to be around them 

[Letho]

@Consept Intuition + Logic loop, where you have intuition questioning logic and logic questioning intuition from a calm peace of mind where you know your own sense of authority must be respected. Your desire for higher maturity will tell you how to guide it to the end.

For me, this is now more about you than it is more about them, as you already know their patterns and potential behaviours, but you don't know how to fully actualise yours. You're the one dealing with the guilt and the potential after-guilt, the way to listen to that emotion while having strong boundaries is to parent your guilt into understanding that while you're going to be fully open minded as you move forward in this situation while leading with a loving stance, you're going to feel empowered by the healthy boundaries you enforce. For me, tracking this into the future I feel that they need to know how I truly feel about their behaviours so that we can either find mutual ground or that we can establish that distance is going to remain, but that's just me. Their exploitational patterns which is not a true reflection of their essence need to understand that what you mirror back to them is a healthy authoritarian change point where you are only deeply respected for the authenticity that you are giving them as a gift as opposed to having to pretend like their aren't issues onto the surface that would only likely indirectly positively reinforce their negative behaviours.