My Parents Prevent Me From Doing Personal Development Work

[barry]

I don't know if is it legit to post something like this... but i really need help here guys... because I feel actually drained, and fatigued... a lot actually.

I am in self help since I was 15... but i began to take it seriously just 1 year a go... I live in italy, and now I am 20...

The biggest obstacle in my life are my parents, that prevent me to fully pursue personal development, I don't know if somebody can help in this, or this post has just to be a an emotional outburst or something like that... 

When I want to meditate, I always get interrupted by my mother that sees that I am doing that, and she asks me to do something for her, she calls me out and she asks me "Lorenzo go do this and go do that"... and often she tells me that I have to stop doing that because I am wasting my time... what can I do? 

My mother also sneaks in my room when I am outside to check everything, she even used to take my phone and read my chats, therefore, my computer and any other eletronic gadget is lock up with a password, anything I write in my room is written in english and with a very bad handwriting to ensure that she doesn't read what I journal and write about... I feel oppresed and observed all the time...

When I watch video from actualized.org my parent asks me what I am doing, what the videos are about, when I try to explain them they tell me to stop looking at them, because they influence me... S*** of course I want to be influenced by actualized.org...

I discovered my life purpose, using the course (that I purchased with my savings), which is to become a personal trainer, master nutrition and training, open a gym with my brother, who wants to do the same thing too, and apply personal development plans, creating like a "gym & personal development dojo"... then what.... to my dad that is ok... next year I am going to study "scienze motorie" at Bologna University, which means "science of motion", "fitness" in simple words... after i lost a whole year studing Industrial Chemistry, that my dad wanted me to study, but I hated with my whole heart... And now, if I spend my time reading book about nutrition, about training, my mother complains "you are not doing anything in life, all your life is about food and gym"... How can I explain her that I am going to study THAT... 

Last but not least, my parents had a very tough time when I was 11... my mother cheated on my dad for a year, I knew that, but I didn't do anything, my dad caughted her, they nearly divorced, and for 1 or 2 years at home was very difficult... that costed me to become over insucure about myself, and I think I have a very serious emotional trauma... that led me in personal development, so I have even to thank my mom for that... but know I am still depressed for a break up that I had 6 months a go with my ex, I feel I am super needy, and I am fighting that doing (obviously secretly) cold approach pickup, I need a therapist, but my parents don't support me, furthermore they clearly say that I don't need a therapist... I feel haunted... I can't let go...

I could keep talking about how my parents regularly go to sabotate anything I do about personal development, telling me that is useless, is a waste of time, or that is even ruining my life... I don't know what to do...

I watch videos from leo all the time... because they give me hope, and i think "if I keep fighting, if I keep pushing, I can make it", but really feel oppresed, I feel like i am in a cage... I don't know if is it legit to post anything like this... this is more an emotional outburst than something else...

[Prabhaker]

6 minutes ago, barry said:

I always get interrupted by my mother that sees that I am doing that, and she asks me to do something for her, she calls me out and she asks me "Lorenzo go do this and go do that"... and often she tells me that I have to stop doing that because I am wasting my time... what can I do? 

Meditation is not a separate process. Meditation is simply the name for life lived with awareness. 

Meditation means being in the moment, not leaving this moment. Someone asked Buddha, ”How shall we meditate?”

Buddha replied, ”Whatsoever you do, do it with awareness; this is meditation. Walking, walk attentively, as if walking is everything; eating, eat with awareness, as if eating is everything; rising, rise with awareness; sitting, sit with awareness; all your actions become conscious, your mind does not travel beyond this moment, it remains in the moment, settles in the moment – this is meditation.”

So understand well that meditation is not just one of life’s innumerable activities. It is not just one link in the chain of man’s endless doings. Meditation is a lifestyle, not an activity.

[barry]

1 minute ago, Prabhaker said:

Meditation is not a separate process. Meditation is simply the name for life lived with awareness. 

Meditation means being in the moment, not leaving this moment. Someone asked Buddha, ”How shall we meditate?”

Buddha replied, ”Whatsoever you do, do it with awareness; this is meditation. Walking, walk attentively, as if walking is everything; eating, eat with awareness, as if eating is everything; rising, rise with awareness; sitting, sit with awareness; all your actions become conscious, your mind does not travel beyond this moment, it remains in the moment, settles in the moment – this is meditation.”

So understand well that meditation is not just one of life’s innumerable activities. It is not just one link in the chain of man’s endless doings. Meditation is a lifestyle, not an activity.

I want to do strong determination sittings... I can't do it if any 10 minutes there is something that I have to do for my mom

[Prabhaker]

2 minutes ago, barry said:

I want to do strong determination sittings... I can't do it if any 10 minutes there is something that I have to do for my mom

Sitting in a buddha posture/ lotus posture is the last thing to do really; it should never be done in the beginning.

[Evilwave Heddy]

@Prabhaker Why?

[Prabhaker]

10 minutes ago, Evilwave Heddy said:

Why?

You can go into meditation just by sitting, but then be just sitting; do not do anything else. If you can be just sitting, it becomes meditation. If you can just sit, doing nothing with your body and nothing with your mind, it becomes meditation; but it is difficult. More difficult for younger persons, when his mother is disturbing him frequently, what's the point of doing it, when you can use other techniques without any conflict.

You can sit very easily when you are doing something else but the moment you are just sitting and doing nothing, it becomes a problem for most of the persons. So sitting can be used with ease only if you have done other things first.

[Marks199]

You can also make journals downloading a diary from the app store so you can download it. Play chess it will make you patient(increase your IQ, acquire organization skills, intuition, and combination skills) and try to do the concentration method with ear protectors so yo don't hear any one. I also personally have lots of problems with my parents chek my posts. 

[YaNanNallari]

Honestly what 

11 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

Sitting in a buddha posture/ lotus posture is the last thing to do really; it should never be done in the beginning.

I don't know why one wouldn't sit in a quite normal position while meditating even if they're a beginner. It's literally having your legs just folded in a way. Last thing to do? I hope there are maybe 2 steps then although I don't know if the whole position is even necessary.

10 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

You can go into meditation just by sitting, but then be just sitting; do not do anything else. If you can be just sitting, it becomes meditation. If you can just sit, doing nothing with your body and nothing with your mind, it becomes meditation; but it is difficult. More difficult for younger persons, when his mother is disturbing him frequently, what's the point of doing it, when you can use other techniques without any conflict.

You can sit very easily when you are doing something else but the moment you are just sitting and doing nothing, it becomes a problem for most of the persons. So sitting can be used with ease only if you have done other things first.

The second comment seems to have some flawed logic uhm he said he wanted to meditate strong determination way, it doesn't remove the techniques point which is to be better than other techniques. It doesn't have to be done with ease anyway or that's at least what a lot of people think including Leo so you might as well do it. Sure you might get scared off track easier but that's about it. I know prab's point might have been that just deal with it but man is he bad at explaining it.

And yes I'm tired salty and triggered but this is just stupid and don't want the starter to be confused.

[ThinAir]

Hej barry

is there any option u can go outside meditating or do u live in a city? Somewhere in nature where nobody disturbes you. Also beeing in nature is calming itself can help.

and as prabhaker allready said, meditation is a lifestyle. Take your time for everything you do, slow down, bring awareness into your doing.

one thing about your mother. You probably have relativly big aversion while she keep disrupting you. The moment she does, try to bring to your mind that she herself is very agitated and restless in her mind and therefor not rly happy herself. This will help you develop some compassion instead of negativ feelings. Practice that should help.

 

good luck!

[Prabhaker]

@YaNanNallari You can go into meditation just by sitting, but then be just sitting; do not do anything else. You can sit very easily when you are doing something else but the moment you are just sitting and doing nothing, it becomes a problem. Every fiber of the body begins to move inside; every vein, every muscle, begins to move. You will begin to feel a subtle trembling; you will be aware of many points in the body of which you have never been aware before. And the more you try to just sit, the more movement you will feel inside you. So sitting can be used only if you have done other things first.

If you begin with sitting, you will feel much disturbance inside. The more you try to just sit, the more disturbance will be felt; you will become aware only of your insane mind and nothing else. It will create depression, you will feel frustrated. You will not feel blissful; rather, you will begin to feel that you are insane. And sometimes you may really go insane.

If you make a sincere effort to 'just sit,' you may really go insane. Only because people do not really try sincerely does insanity not happen more often. With a sitting posture you begin to know so much madness inside you that if you are sincere and continue it, you may really go insane. It has happened before, so many times; so I never suggest anything that can create frustration, depression, sadness - anything that will allow you to be too aware of your insanity. You may not be ready to be aware of all the insanity that is inside you; you must be allowed to get to know certain things gradually. Knowledge is not always good; it must unfold itself slowly as your capacity to absorb it grows.

A meditation technique that begins with movement, action, helps you in other ways, also. It becomes a catharsis. When you are just sitting, you are frustrated; your mind wants to move and you are just sitting. Every muscle turns, every nerve turns. You are trying to force something upon yourself that is not natural for you.

3 hours ago, YaNanNallari said:

he wanted to meditate strong determination way, it doesn't remove the techniques point which is to be better than other techniques

I have already mentioned in my post that if you can go into meditation just by sitting, but then be just sitting; do not do anything else. Everyone can't begin with strong determination way, when his mother is disturbing him frequently, what's the point of doing it, when you can use other techniques without any conflict.

Meditation is not an hour-a-day affair where you sit for one hour and then it is over till tomorrow. No, if twenty-three hours are empty of meditation and only one hour is meditative, then it is certain that the twenty-three hours will defeat the single hour. Non-meditation will win, meditation will lose. If you are living twenty-three hours a day without awareness, and only one hour with awareness, then you will never attain to the state of meditativeness. 

Edited April 30, 2017 by Prabhaker

[schmitzy]

@barry  Hi Barry. It looks like you're facing some pretty hard obstacles there but you also really know what you want. Great!

To me as an observer of what you wrote it seems pretty obvious that you have to get a job that allows you to move out so you can follow your dreams.

I personally know how hard this is because although I moved out 7 years ago, I won't be completely financially independent from my parents until this summer. I still have difficulties to believe that I will make it on my own. But I will.

This taught me one thing: as long as you live under their roof and/or take their money, you give them power over yourself. Irrefutably.

[Shin]

Simple solution:

 

[ajasatya]

@barry what will your parents be able to do when you're about to die?

have you ever thought about it? have you REALLY thought about it? someday you'll get really SICK and all this bullshit will make no sense.

stop finding excuses and live your life. OR DIE FULL OF REGRET.

[Michael569]

First of all, take the responsibility in your own hands. Accept what is but note that you have what it takes to change your life. In your case it may mean that you need to MOVE OUT. For me that was one of the best things that increased my growth in life. Separating myself from my family location-wise. They weren't happy but got used to it over the time. 

From what you say, your parents would rather prefer that you were numbnuts with no brain who would do their bidding all day long. This is a common symptom in our culture and it is a reason why people domesticate pets because they can control them and they do not talk back. Same way many mothers love their babies until they start talking back becoming hard to control so they just get more babies. 

Stand out for what you believe in and start looking for other options. You say you are 20, so maybe you have a university life ahead of you. Think about moving to campus just so that you can separate yourself. To sustain yourself look for a source of income on a part time job or a student internship. You say you love fitness and nutrition so maybe become a part time fitness trainer in a local gym while you figure out what to do next. 

It is amazing that you are 20 and already know your LP, you have a nice head start against most of us. First of all however you need to build an infrastructure to create your life purpose. One of those being, get a place where you can actually do the conciousness work. Maybe go study nutrition or sports science, this way you combine your passion and separate yourself from your parents to go live on a campus. If you don't have money, look for support programs. I don't know where you live but there are many support programs for students in each country. European Union for example has many of them and they are quite easy to claim. 

Or look for an employment in another country to leave your parents. Lots of times they offer employment and accommodation with little salary. My girlfriend got started that way when we moved to London and from that point she got a decent job. She worked at a hotel, although she earned shit, she had accommodation and slowly in her free time acquired knowledge and some money to move on to better job. The possibilities are endless.