Should you tell your parents your issues with them?

[Basman]

As in telling them how their parenting turned you out, the issues you got from them, etc?

Personally, I think its a bad idea most of the time. It is just going to come of as judgemental and be emotionally distressing to the parents unless they are completely ambivalent to you (in which case you probably don't even have a relationship with them). Like, is it not enough for you to know for yourself how your environment shaped you?

I'm asking because recently someone I know who is a parent had their daughter visit (who has a diagnosis) and they basically laid into them with criticisms and blame. Obviously, quiet an extreme example but even if you are more cordial and less emotionally charged it doesn't seem wise in the majority of cases. Like its too close to home, don't you think?

 

[Sandhu]

@Basman What would be the purpose of doing such a thing? Releasing emotional build up?

[Basman]

25 minutes ago, Sandhu said:

@Basman What would be the purpose of doing such a thing? Releasing emotional build up?

I guess.

[Sandhu]

@Basman Let me tell you my case, my parents are totally uneducated. They are lowest on the conscious scale, very religious and political. They have completely fucked up financial situation. And we live in a joint family. There are times we don't  have money to buy food. I'm 20y old. I'm the only one in my family working. My mother is very abusive and curse all the time. They are very cynical and hypocrite and let me say they are very foolish. I could go on. What should I tell them?

Edited September 25 by Sandhu

[Basman]

19 minutes ago, Sandhu said:

@Basman Let me tell you my case, my parents are totally uneducated. They are lowest on the conscious scale, very religious and political. They have completely fucked up financial situation. And we live in a joint family. There are times we don't  have money to buy food. I'm 20y old. I'm the only one in my family working. My mother is very abusive and curse all the time. They are very cynical and hypocrite and let me say they are very foolish. I could go on. What should I tell them?

I don't know, man.

[Sandhu]

😒

[EdgeGod900]

Their ego will likely not take it. They'll probably just get defensive. 

Like... it already happened, so whats the point of telling them? They'll just feel bad. If you have wise parents, they might change -- but, this is indirectly just controlling them; I don't like controling people... so...

Edited September 27 by EdgeGod900

[Basman]

3 hours ago, EdgeGod900 said:

Their ego will likely not take it. They'll probably just get defensive. 

Like... it already happened, so whats the point of telling them? They'll just feel bad. If you have wise parents, they might change -- but, this is indirectly just controlling them; I don't like controling people... so...

The more I think about, the more unnecessary it seems.

[manuel bon]

I don't know how your parents are, so I can't give you an opinion. But what I can say is that I have tried having a conversation like that many times, but it has never worked. At all... my mom gets super defensive and starts acting like a victim, and it gets super toxic

[Hojo]

@Basman I've done it I got nothing in return emotionally. I got I'm sorry I was such a bad mother and God forgives me. If you want to get it off your chest go for it but don't get mad if you don't get anything out of it. I haven't said it to my father but I do not speak to him.

Edited September 27 by Hojo

[puporing]

I don't think that's gonna do much unless they seemed open already. It's like any relationships if one party is too far away (eg they failed to realize what happened and their contributions), it isn't something that will correct in a short period usually..

On the other hand if someone decided to I think it's usually probably out of desperation, especially if they've done some healing work.

People are very quick to judge the children though who are critical, but do not really ask why they have arrived at such criticisms, because society gives a sort of "automatic pass" to parents no matter how much the child might have suffered.

Edited September 28 by puporing

[max duewel]

The point is to tell them for the sake of telling them. If its your truth and you need to tell them to be in an respectful authentic relationship to them then do it.

[Basman]

1 hour ago, max duewel said:

The point is to tell them for the sake of telling them. If its your truth and you need to tell them to be in an respectful authentic relationship to them then do it.

I can see your argument if you think its necessary in order to continue the relationship somehow but in that case I think the relationship is already damaged to a point where its too late for a "normal" relationship.

I don't think its worth it if it damages the relationship assuming you maintain healthy boundaries moving forward.

[max duewel]

In any case It would be healthy for your identity to set boundaries with the people you struggle setting boundaries with. But its also challenging and emotionally expensive. If you have a therapist you have a safe space to operate from 

[Chadders]

@Basman Interesting that you have mentioned this

I I have been reflecting on my own insecurities and how best to integrate my shadow. I personally feel that if you have something you feel you need to say to your parents you tell them. It’s not about blaming or judging them, just telling them how you feel about whatever hurt you had as a child 

I will say that yes they may feel hurt and they may not accept what you have to say but I’d rather live in truth and honesty. I don’t like living a lie. Ultimately it’s about you not them and what you feel you need to do to grow yourself and develop

Sometime people have gotta feel the pain 

[Basman]

13 minutes ago, Chadders said:

@Basman Interesting that you have mentioned this

I I have been reflecting on my own insecurities and how best to integrate my shadow. I personally feel that if you have something you feel you need to say to your parents you tell them. It’s not about blaming or judging them, just telling them how you feel about whatever hurt you had as a child 

I will say that yes they may feel hurt and they may not accept what you have to say but I’d rather live in truth and honesty. I don’t like living a lie. Ultimately it’s about you not them and what you feel you need to do to grow yourself and develop

Sometime people have gotta feel the pain 

Considering that its just about releasing your own emotions essentially, it would be unethical to not honor the agency of your parents in this case. If given the choice, would they want to have this conversation? I don't see how you are losing anything by not having such a discussion with your parents.

Its not about living a lie but having the maturity to include other peoples wants and needs besides your own assuming you maintain healthy boundaries. You don't need to do this in my opinion, which is the problem. People are not obligated to suffer your pent-up rage.

[PurpleTree]

On 2024-09-25 at 5:26 PM, Sandhu said:

@Basman Let me tell you my case, my parents are totally uneducated. They are lowest on the conscious scale, very religious and political. They have completely fucked up financial situation. And we live in a joint family. There are times we don't  have money to buy food. I'm 20y old. I'm the only one in my family working. My mother is very abusive and curse all the time. They are very cynical and hypocrite and let me say they are very foolish. I could go on. What should I tell them?

Bye guys. See ya. I’m out.

[Chadders]

@Basman You gotta do what you see as right and sometimes it’s good for them to hear it

You misunderstand. When I have spoken to my parents I have never done so from a place of judgment or blame only that I felt they needed to hear it and yes it is for me personally and to reconcile my own shadow. However I think it is healthy for them to hear it as well because it may help them come to terms with their own background. There is no right or wrong you have to go with your gut

For me it is about being honest. The truth hurts but it’s better to live honestly than not. As the child my job is not to make their lives convenient but to develop and grow myself and if it means giving it to them straight and you feel you have to do that then do it but make sure to consider their feelings too. They are only human. I come from a place of understanding that they had their own difficulties and challenges 

In the end do what feels right the universe will decide the rest. The key is to bring up the truth in the most conscious way

Edited September 30 by Chadders